Brandi Renee Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Okay - we have a signifigantly decreased sex life since living together. IS this normal? He says it is . I on the other hand want the sex every day or every other day - maybe twice a day. I am really needing allot of sex. I masturbate everyday just to shut my body up. On the other hand -he says when you live together and the newness is gone, that any guy will tell you that sex life decreases. WHY WHY WHY ? My libo increased! He says he could care less about sex really and its not on his priority list. His libido was not like this when we dated - or did not live together. He also has suffered thru finding his brother and grandfather brutally murdered since then as well. Actually as a result of the murders we decided to move in together. Its been a year and a half now of living together. BUT .......... i notice when I leave or go on trips and I am gone for a few days - the first thing he wants to do it HIT IT ! To where a week will pass when we are present in the house and then sex will pop up, basically once a week sex, I cant take it. I have gained weight - like 35 pounds since we moved in - and my sexual sexiness is not exactly there. I would like to hang my thong out for him when I pass by like i used to but its just not the same anymore. Can the way I feel about my body since weight gain play a dramatic role in decreased sex life or is it true the sex life decreases? IF that is the case then I have to get some somewhere else and I don't want to have to to that at all because I want him only ya know? HELP !
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 I'm not trying to be rude .. Lose the weight .. Bang ... it'll come right back .. 35 lbs is enough to change someones look..
Blackfrost Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Amazingly enough, some guys actually care and think about other things besides sex. Twice a day everyday.......even I would complain and slow that down too
ConfusedInOC Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 I agree. Lose the weight and he'll be more rearing to go. And I don't think 2x a day is too much. If I was married to the ex, we'd probably have been like rabbits....
clandestinidad Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 I agree about the addition of 35lbs....that does change someone's whole look...I'm sorry if I sound rude. I actually read a great book about preventing affairs. It talked about the main things women and men need from each other to keep the love there....and one of them is that He needs her to look good. I know this will probably spark some disagreement, and thats obviously okay....I'm just passing along some info I happen to agree with. It talked about how men need her to try to look her best, and take care of herself, and physically stay somewhat similar to the woman he fell in love with (having kids, and getting old are obviously changes that he'd be okay with). It said that women who dont do these things indicate to their man that he's not worth it....besides the fact that she just might not be attractive anymore...and it "empties his love bank" Its harder for women to understand I think b/c we dont really care (for the most part) if our men get big jelly bellies and stuff, but it registers as something different in a man's mind if his woman lets herself go. Again, I dont know if this is what's going on in your situation. I only addressed it b/c you mentioned questions about weight. How long ago were his family members killed???? Maybe he's been depressed about it, and doesnt feel very sexual (??) Can you give some more info??
Blackfrost Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 And I don't think 2x a day is too much. Hired! come by and take the wife off my hands for a few days so I can have a few unitterupted days and nights to work on a painting I'm trying to complete for a client next week
lilmoma1973 Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 hey brandi, if the relationship is built on sex get you a toy !! if you don't love him move on
Thinkalot Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Just as an additional comment here, yes, usually sex does decrease after initial dating days..you tend to find a balance somewhere...doesn't mean it should drop right off, but it will usually not be as often as it was at the start, because initial lust drops off, and things settle into a different kind of love, which is just as good.
XNemesisX Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 1.Lose weight 2. Stop putting such emphasis on sex. Like the above poster said...get a toy or something. Poor guy just had a traumatic experience so he's probably not feeling as sexy as he used to. Cut him some slack.
Author Brandi Renee Posted July 21, 2005 Author Posted July 21, 2005 Thanks for the advice - I have been hitting the gym pretty hard again with intention on losing weight and I really ruin it at night time,, that is another post. Anyway - weight is probably the key. He used to ask me to wear a thong while we were, ya know...... recently I told him i cant anymore because I am not comfortable .......that was really a let down I bet for him. He has not asked since. I feel sad. It really seems like its going to take forever to get off the 35 pounds. Really hard not to get discouraged.
kara Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Hi Brandi, I was actually going to start this thread if you hadn't! I married this guy about half a year ago and we've been living together for a year before that. During that time we've been under a lot of stress schools, moving countries etc. and I have changed several sizes- lost a lot of weight and then gained loads, like 20 pounds since the marriage. Everytime I change body shapes my guy's sex drive went straight down- and I am one sex craving bunny- but that wasn't the thing that hurts me most, he wouldn't say anything, you know he wouldn't speak out and I had to start all the fights. I had to drag the words from him that for instance my breast have gone a bit saggy since I came off the pill and that turns him off. Even then he wouldn't accept it and just try and pretend nothing is the matter. It's the dishonesty that kills me- I can get a nice toy and get off anytime I want, the mechanics of sex aren't what I am after. Sex alone really isn't the point- it's wanting to be close to someone you believe you have an intimate relationship with. Last couple of months I had to be the one initiating all the sex and I told him how this humiliates me as a woman. Then this morning he gets some email off some old friend and makes remarks how her pupils will do anything for her in that sexy body- shall I kill him or what?
Outcast Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Gaining 20 lbs and 35 lbs is an awful lot in a short time! Those guys must feel like you've pulled a 'bait and switch' on them. Sure, when you are with somebody, the tempation is to eat more to keep the other person company when they eat, but you have to resist that. I agree with the others that all that weight is a turnoff and that those guys must think you just don't care enough to take care of yourselves for them. Never again buy junk food or have it in the house and just say no to fast food for any meals. Make your own lunches and find a bunch of fast and healthy recipes you can make for dinners and lose the weight! Of course the men lie. They don't want to say to your face that all that new flab is unattractive! For the sake of your health and your relationship, make losing that weight your #1 priority and you'll see the sex drive come back.
JadeStar Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 You're putting way to much emphisis on wanting too much sex. Its like the sex is what you think will make yourself feel better. maybe its cuz you feel its all you have to hold on to and without it you feel empty. I agree with the others take care of your self. If the weight bothers you or your b/f, try to get some of it off. Good luck. Jade
Debster Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 I quite frankly am shocked at all the comments about how she needs to lose weight. My husband and I have been married for almost a year now. BOTH of us have gained about 30 pounds since our wedding. That doesn't change the way I feel about him or how attractive I think he is. He feels the same way. I still look at him and think he's the hottest thing in the world. He still tells me daily how beautiful he thinks I am. We are trying to get our bodies back though by going to the gym together but we accept and love each other the way we are. When we're old and gray and wrinkly, I'm still going to find him sexy because I love him for who he is, not how he looks. Mind you, he does look pretty hot! As for the frequency of sex, yes it does start to slow down once you are comfortable with the relationship and are living together. It was hard for me to adapt to as well. However the quality can make up for the quantity! Have you thought that maybe the decrease in sex is also due to his reaction to the murders of his brother and grandfather? It could be that he is still dealing with that and not feeling very sexy or sexual.
lilmoma1973 Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 hey all , i totally agree with debster.. noone looks the exact same as they did when they first got married!! the way i look at it you should love them for the inside not how they look on the outside !! that to me is true love!! we all grow old and gain weight after marriage and kids.. if you want to do it for you thats fine but don't do it for him !! he should love you no matter what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good luck
Stone Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 I think it's due to depression not weight.... I'd be pretty messed up if I found my faimly that way I don't think it's the weight at all depression can decrease your sex drive
hotgurl Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 brandi, I am kinda in the same boat. i have a very high sex drive and recently my BF does not. I also put on 20 lbs because I got sick and was unable to work out for 1 1/2 yrs. I am now getting back on my feet and trying to lose weight. They sex dropped off when we moved in together but at the same time our commute increased. As an aside blackforest what kinda painting do you do. You can pm me.
New_Wife Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Weight is such a tough thing. You feel bad, and you gain some weight. Then you feel bad about gaining the weight, and you gain some more. Now you feel even worse, and you can't seem to stop gaining. Add to that the new increased anxiety over the weight - poof. Bad Times. Now, your partner should still love you through all of this, but it's not realistic to expect our partner to be sexually attracted to us no matter what. If I suddenly erupted in boils all over my face, I can guarantee you that my husband would not sprint to the sack for some lovin'. He would still love me, he would probably take me immediately to the doctor to find out what was wrong, but I'm guessing sex would be dead last in his mind. Because of all the emotional baggage weight carries, it's a little trickier to approach. He can't very well say "Well, Babe, I see you've been packing some pounds on - what say we run to the Doc's and find out what's wrong with you?" That would be like an engraved invite to drop a lamp on his head. But with the rest of what's been going on in his life, it's possible that he really hasn't noticed, and is just doing his best to cope with life on a day to day basis. Really, the only way you'll know is to have a nice talk with him. Tell him you are feeling insecure because of the weight gain, and you want reassurance that you're still the one he wants. He'll most likely give you that, then ask how he is doing? And listen. You might consider counseling, individually or as a couple, until things feel normal again.
Author Brandi Renee Posted July 21, 2005 Author Posted July 21, 2005 Sadly - he wont attend counseling to talk about the murders. We just finished the trial this month and the man was convicted to two life sentences. Both me and him had to testify as well. I was with him the day we went to his grandpas house when he made the brutal discovery. All the posters here say , "NOT TO BE RUDE< BUT LOSE THE WEIGHT". Let me tell you this is really sticking in my head now and all last night. I was "fat " when we first started dating and lost 80 pounds very quickly thru the new found motivation I had while dating my hot man. Then I got implants and huge boob and i kind of tapered off and gained 34 pounds over the next year and half while we moved in ect ect. He like me when I was fat - he also had a lot of pornos of fat ladies - not HUGE but you know obviously chunky. I had asked him the other day if he still loves me even though I got fatter, he said yes and its okay it happens. He also told me I have always been fat when I asked him - even though I got down to 160 at 5foot 8...... .he said you should be glad because i don't like skinny girls anwya. That was so terrible to hear that even at my lovely 160 he felt I was still bigger - and I was - but I might add hot and curvaciou as all get out and sexier than all get out. I member at that wright he said not lose more tahn 10 or 15 pounds becasue I would be to skinny. I just want to get back to that 160 boy ! The point is not getting enough sex. Maybe he is depressed from him brother and grandpas murders - but will it be like this forever ? All I can do is try to hottie myself out and get those pounds off and start feeling like a sexy mamma again. And mind you - I wont do the manuevers I used to do in the bed WHEN WE HAD ALLOT OF SEX, because I am worried about the swinging gut . PS - he has lost most of his motivation for rhte gym and lsot 15 pounds of muscle mass since we have been dating seriously and living togeterh - he also blames it on all his bike wrecks that resulted in injuries but whatever.
ConfusedInOC Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Originally posted by Blackfrost Hired! come by and take the wife off my hands for a few days so I can have a few unitterupted days and nights to work on a painting I'm trying to complete for a client next week Heh If there was ever a male version of a nympho (with someone I love) then that's probably me. But, I'm waiting till I am married. Hopefully when I do get married, I'll be with a woman who doesn't mind sex quite often
Author Brandi Renee Posted July 21, 2005 Author Posted July 21, 2005 How can I change my user name? I was trying to edit my profile and cant figure how to change user name
New_Wife Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 I think that if someone close to me was murdered, I'd react in all sorts of ways too. I can't even begin to guess what those ways might be. It's good that you are understanding of that. If he's okay with you as you are - I guess the challenge then is for you to be. If you are not, then change it - but no need to second guess everything. There is no time limit on healing - but all things fade a bit over time. If you love this person, the patience is the key here (in my opinion)
XNemesisX Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Brandi~ I'm looking at your picture and you are very beautiful and you don't look fat to me. Given, I can really only see your face but you are really very attractive and since he liked you back when you were heavier than you are now, maybe that is not the problem. I'm going to guess it is more a depression problem he has or maybe just the natural transition to a more "comfortable, companionate" type relationship. Sooner or later, all relationships turn into this. Maybe you could try to spice it up a bit? Get all decked out and tell him you want to go for a night on the town. Have some drinks, go dancing, then come back and give him a lap dance
clandestinidad Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 I was glad to read your part about how he fell in love with you when you weighed a bit more!! Thats important to know in this situation, and if I had seen that before my answer would have been a bit different. I agree that its probably more of a traumatic/depression issue for him. To explain what I said earlier, since it seems that some people interpreted it differently than I intended: When I said that stuff about men feeling unloved/unworthy when their women let themselves go, I was meaning people that dont ever get dolled up, dont wear a little make-up, eat really badly, gain a lot of weight, and pretty much give up on looking good for him. For some reason many men love it when we try to look good for them...makes them feel special I guess...and makes them proud to be with us. But if someone's had kids, gotten old, has a medical condition, then men dont mind it as much b/c they know that its to be expected. If the woman recognizes her weight gain and at least TRIES to do something about it (even if she doesnt look like she did before), then the fact that she's at least trying makes him feel good. I just mean that men realize things change over time, and expect it, but we should try to look and be our best no matter our age or how long we’ve been married. Yes, they will love us no matter what we look like, but they feel love FROM us when we make an effort for them. If the man is providing and trying to do other things for us (or the family), shouldnt we at least try to look good for him, and make him feel like he's important enough to do it?! Think of it like flowers....most women love to get flowers from him b/c it means he thought about us and took the time to do it. I think its the same as taking care of ourselves for them. I know my boyfriend loves it when I do my hair a certain way, so I go out of my way to do it for him when I can....and it makes him SOO happy to know that I did it for him. I’m 24 and have a 2 y/o daughter, so my body doesn’t look like it did before…and it will look very different in 10, 20 years (esp. b/c I have some medical conditions…if I’m even still living by then..hahaha), but I will certainly try to look my best for whoever I’m with (and yeah, it makes me feel good too) if it makes him feel good/loved. Anyway, I strongly suggest he see a psychologist.....thats all waaaay too much trauma and stress to deal with without getting professional help. Maybe you could look up info about Post-Traumatic stress disorder, and stress in general, to tell him what this will do to him long-term....its critical that he get help. It will affect every aspect of his life, and damage his physical health in numerous ways too. (i'm probably saying things you already know...but I'm bored, and have lots of time to kill here!! )
StillHurtin Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 I really don't think it's the weight gain myself. He has went through a traumatic experience and I am sure that sex is just not his main priority right now. I also have lost, and gained weight throughout our 13 years of M. Right now I am 30lbs heavier than the day we got M. H said he is still very turned on by me, but he does say I would look even hotter if I lost the extra weight. My H had an A 2 years ago during out separation and in the time I lost about 20lbs. I was thrilled about how I looked, and of course so was he. We had sex every chance we got (we were still separated living 100 miles from eachother). As soon as we got back together and started working on our M I started gaining the weight back in the course of a year and now the sex has decreased so I know it has something to do w/ my weight or just the simple fact we don't have the 100 miles separating us anymore. I told H I wanted more sex, I want it every day or at least every other. I think I hit my sexual peak b/c I want it all the time, lol.
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