Deal Breaker? 2 years later?

[surprised32]

This is the first time I have ever posted on a forum so please be patient with me. We have been married for 32 years and 2 grown children. Dated since 17. She is and always has been my best friend. I am going to try and put a long story into a shorter version. DD was 2 years ago almost to the day. I was going through my cell phone bill online and checked my wife's history came across hundreds possibly thousands of text messages to a number I didn't recognize. So I asked her to see her phone and she let me use it and it came up a male coworkers number. So I looked at the texts which there weren't any they had been deleted. Make a long story short I checked her secured work email and found love texts back and forth.

 

I confronted her about them and she broke down crying. Then of course all the lies started. The trickle truth has been pretty consistent for at least a year and a half. The only things she admits are the times and places that have proof and cannot be argued. She has never offered up anything I have not found out. She had sex with him on various outings all being over nighters that I know of. She would lie about going on work trips.

 

She is claiming that while her best friend was dying the hospital the AP offered up a shoulder to cry on. She also was having serious pulmonary issues and seeing specialists and were not giving her any hope. The reason i bring this up is that she is claiming I wasn't there supporting or being there for her emotionally. I somewhat disagree but I agree that I could have offered up more both emotionally and compassionately.

 

She also had a previous emotional and possible physical affair 5 years prior with a high school crush after finding him on Facebook and reuniting but he lived a few thousand miles away. They met once at another work meeting she claimed they had sex then recounted it during MC. Said she used it to make me leave. I discovered this affair also on the cell phone cause of texts and the online bill. This totally tore my world up and we went to MC for a few months. We reconciled then like I said 5 years later here we are again.

 

My issues 2 years later is that she is very, very unhealthy I spent over 1 month in the hospital and physical rehab with her and I feel that I am abandoning her if I leave now. I don't like hurting her because it breaks my heart but I really want to separate at this point. I am so angry I cannot sleep half the time. I feel that after forgiveness for the first time and seeing how much it hurt me. How could you make a conscious decision to have another affair? How could you continue this for months possibly a year or so? the only reason I feel she needs me is because its a must. Now she cannot drive for the time being but will be able to soon. So she has to rely on me for everything. Since DD 2 years ago she has been a model wife. She does everything I ask. Anything I need she takes care of. She is so remorseful to me its crazy. She tells me she loves me and hugs and kisses me every waking moment.

 

This may be a game changer for me . I also have some baggage from 7 years ago. After I found out about the affair with the high school flame I went out and had meaningless sex with a couple of escorts. I told the wife about these after finding out about the second affair. I don't condone or recommend a retaliatory or revenge affair or sex it puts you at there level and makes you feel terrible later.

 

Please tell me your thoughts. The story has more twists and lies of course.

Edited January 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[BluesPower]

First please put some paragraph breaks in your text.

 

It is far to difficult to read.

 

Do you think she is cheating now? Not while she is sick of course, but again and after the last dday?

 

She is a serial cheater, I guess you know that. I don't know, she may be too sick to cheat anymore after she recovers.

 

But the way that she handled the dday tells me that she was carrying on the affair after dday.

 

When she gets well you could divorce. When the WS do not do all the things necessary for the BS to heal it just remain a burning cinder forever.

 

I have lived that, I am divorcing, but not because of her affairs or her drug addiction, I am divorcing because she does not love me and brother that woman has not had to work a day in her life since she married me.

 

I really don't know what to advise you to do. Yours is kind of a tougher than usual situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

We reconciled then like I said 5 years later here we are again.

 

As you've found out, there's a big difference between reconciliation and recovery. While you may have had the former, you're a long way from the latter. I wouldn't stay long-term in your present relationship, it's not sustainable.

 

Out of consideration for marital history, you might want to stay in a supportive roommate situation until she gets back on her feet. But with children grown and gone, I'd be thinking how I wanted to live the rest of my life.

 

And I can tell you:

 

The story has more twists and lies of course.

 

That isn't it.

 

Keep posting, lots of support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katielee]

You guys need IC and MC. Don't make any decisions until you have your head on straight.

Own your actions. You wrote 10 times as much about what she did than what you did. Figure out why you had to do that. People have affairs because they're trying to distract ourselves from something and use it as a coping mechanism, mostly. Why did you choose that? Why not divorce?

If it's a deal breaker that's ok. But be honorable about it. Don't lie to her.

By the way, I had an affair and my husband had two RA. If didn't make things fair or equal. Just more screwed up.

I'm sorry you're here.

[WilyWill]

Do your grown children know? I'd require her to tell them as proof of her remorse.

 

Frankly, the fact that she's done this twice would be a dealbreaker for me. If you still feel like taking care of her, that's your prerogative. But you are perfectly within your rights to divorce her while you care for her. You can find a decent woman who values you and treats you with respect, and who might be understanding of your lingering feelings of obligation to the mother of your children.

 

If your wife is ever healthy again, it's likely she'll repeat her serial cheating patterns.

[Popsicle]

Your kids are grown, why did you stay with her after you found out about the 2nd affair? That was 2 whole years ago and now you want to leave her after she's gotten sick?!

[BettyDraper]

There's no need to keep enabling your wife's behavior.

Your kids are grown so it isn't as if you want to stay together for them.

I could see why you wouldn't want to leave until her health improves though.

[tough love]

This is going to sound very harsh, but I would say leave if you are miserable but seek IC first to prepare you. I understand she is sick and perhaps it's karma. I wish your wife a full recovery but ultimately wish you happiness. You shouldn't be guilted into staying with her. Just my honest opinion. I agree that your kids should know why you are lleaving her if this is the path you take and I wouldn't be bashful about letting others know why because Lord knows you will be painted the SOB for leaving your sick wife. Best of luck to you.

[S2B]

She's not willing to do anything to heal the marriage since she hasn't stayed faithful after cheating last time...and she isn't OFFERING you her truth now.

 

She's sick and recovering - she can call her OM to caretaker her or hire someone to do everything for her.

 

Divorce her. She's only sorry she got caught.

 

There's no trust or respect in this marriage so it's nothing to save.

 

It's really been tainted and battered for so many years.

 

Cut your losses knowing full well she hasn't changed when she had that prior chance to be a faithful wife...her choice was to cheat again? No need to waste MORE years waiting for her to become a decent person.

 

You can't make her change = this is who she is.

[whichwayisup]

The story has more twists and lies of course.

 

Those twists and lies will affect advice given to you so you might as well tell your story completely if you feel comfortable enough.

 

I feel for you both. Even more so for you because if you leave and divorce her you're gonna look like the a-hole in everybody's eyes regardless of the fact she cheated and had 2 affairs. She could very well throw out there that you slept with escorts... Anyway, for the sake of 32 years and your family that you two built, really take time to decide what you want to do. Seek counseling, on your own and with your wife. She should do counseling on her own as well.

 

Her health now is a huge problem, is this going to be on going or is it just a health bump in the road?

[anika99]

If she is still being dishonest about her affairs then she is not truly remorseful.

[Poutrew]

Here's the facts. She is being a model wife now because she needs you. Once that is over, she will put you to the curb so fast that your head will spin... how you deal with this simple fact is gonna determine how you treat the rest of your life, so deal wisely.

[whichwayisup]

You wait until she's on the mend and able to drive again, and feeling better, functioning and not relying on you for everything. Then make a final decision. Leaving her at her worst, regardless of her affairs, I think isn't something you could live with. Just wait it out a bit longer.

[Simple Logic]

2 years and you are so angry you can't sleep at night? Were you that angry 2 years ago?

 

I have not read much in your post that says you really want to separate/divorce. I think the anger and sleep loss you suffer today is a result of your wifes affair, but you have a self imposed addiction to anger. As most addictions, it doesn't get better with time. Irregardless if you divorce or not, you will likely remain angry. I would get some IC before you made a decision because being that angry this far out isn't warranted.

Edited January 24, 2017 by Simple Logic

[aliveagain]

How can you reconcile if you don't know the truth? Perhaps she already knows that if you had the truth you would probably leave her. Friend, each time you know about you caught her, she never confessed, you had to drag it out of her. I wonder how many times you didn't catch her? The other issue here is she is a sneak and a trickster, all her betrayals were planned and well thought out. These were no drunken one night stands, she had to create a fictional work function so they could take their time doing the porn star sex thing.

 

Did you ever expose the other men to their spouses? If not do it immediately. Did you make her get independent counselling as a requirement for reconciliation? If she didn't get professional help then she still is broken and a very high risk partner. Since her affairs were with people she works with did you make her quit her job? Is she no contact with her affair partners? What is she doing to make you feel safe? Perhaps you should offer her a choice, a polygraph test or divorce. Like they say fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, well you know how the rest of that goes. If she still has secrets from you, you are not in reconciliation.

[surprised32]

First I want to say thanks for your replies. Her health is getting much better and is not life altering. She should be able to drive any time soon. We went to MC after first affair both together and individually. After the second affair we went to MC both separate and as a couple. Then I didn't like the counselor so I sought a individual counselor. They have helped but are more concerned with working the marriage out rather than whats best for me.

[BTDT2012]

I suggest you change your focus from the marriage to you. Figure out what will make you happy. List your pros and cons for leaving and staying. If your current counselor can't help you with that, find another counselor.

[surprised32]

Even more so for you because if you leave and divorce her you're gonna look like the a-hole in everybody's eyes regardless of the fact she cheated and had 2 affairs.

 

This is so true. I have voiced that to her.

[surprised32]

How can you reconcile if you don't know the truth? Perhaps she already knows that if you had the truth you would probably leave her. Friend, each time you know about you caught her, she never confessed, you had to drag it out of her. I wonder how many times you didn't catch her? The other issue here is she is a sneak and a trickster, all her betrayals were planned and well thought out. These were no drunken one night stands, she had to create a fictional work function so they could take their time doing the porn star sex thing.

 

Yes, these were all conscious calculated decisions. I am really having a hard time dealing with that. The last trickle truth that came out was an email to another male coworker in another town that made no sense at all to that person. It however made total sense with the second AP. It was time dated in March 2014 she has only confessed to being with him since July 2014. She said she missed him and called him Babe. That is what she called the AP. So? is it a third AP or is it the second that had been started much before she has admitted?

 

Did you ever expose the other men to their spouses?

 

Yes I told both wives.

 

Since her affairs were with people she works with did you make her quit her job? Is she no contact with her affair partners?

 

I know this will start some discussion. I managed to beat up the second affair partner at his work and have him removed from his office and have him transferred. There is no contact that I know of.

 

What is she doing to make you feel safe?

 

She is totally transparent

[S2B]

She is not being transparent if she is trickle truthing and only allowing you to know what you've found on your own.

[aliveagain]

Friend. your children are grown up, last thing you need is a part time wife, what is so special about a lying cheating wife that keeps you there? Best friends don't stab you in the back the way she has, rethink just how much of a friend she is when she chooses her affair partner over you. I am not telling you to divorce or to stay, you need to decide that for yourself. Personally, I don't see this working out too well for you with her history.

 

Think about your options, have an open relationship so your both on a level playing field, stay knowing that more then likely your going to get more of the same from her once things cool off, tell her she's free to date other men but not as your wife and go see your lawyer immediately and start the process of taking yourself out of infidelity.

 

Should you decide on reconciliation one of your conditions should be that she passes a polygraph so you know what your dealing with the other has to be she agrees to a postnuptial agreement giving you most of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Why waste anymore time on her if she won't agree to your terms. If giving you her vow isn't enough to keep her faithful perhaps a severe financial consequence might. Get tested for STD's, make her do the same, the humiliation of testing acts as a future deterrent. She's too sick to leave but not sick enough to stop banging another man. You can do better then this.

[drifter777]

It's a horrible situation for anyone to be in - I'm sorry you are suffering.

 

Let me review a few things just so we are on the same page:

 

1) your wife has serious health problems that seem to be improving at this point

 

2) your wife is a serial cheater - this is not her first rodeo

 

3) your kids are grown

 

4) you are very angry with her. Certainly feel resentment toward her and maybe even gotten to the point of feeling contempt.

 

Unless these points are dead wrong I'd like you to consider a few things. First, your wife is never going to stop NEEDING external validation from other men. Never. Even if she understands this, I doubt she will be able to set and enforce boundaries that will keep her panties on. She's probably tried this after some of her cheating episodes but, obviously, it didn't work. If you stay married to her than you will deal with her cheating until she no longer is able to attract or chase men.

 

You mention "forgiveness" for her first affair but, clearly, you haven't forgiven her. I seriously doubt you have it in you to accept what she did and ever forgive her. This is very common. Lots of men tell themselves they've forgiven her because they want so desperately to put it all behind them and find some peace of mind. Then, like you, the pain and anger begin to resurface at some point and forces them to do something about it. Failure to forgive does not make you a bad person. It sounds as though she has done NOTHING to earn any forgiveness for her disgusting behavior. Don't believe people who say that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself - for most of us it simply isn't true. You've tried it and it's definitely not worked out well at all. The betrayer has to earn forgiveness through action - something she is not doing. She has only blame-shifted, gas lit, and trickle-truthed you - these things are not worthy of forgiveness. You will likely never get to "forgiveness" for her cheating but you can find acceptance and peace of mind if you act in your own best interests and reclaim your self-esteem and sense of fairness & worth.

 

If you will not leave her because you are afraid you will feel guilty for abandoning her - I understand. So perhaps you have to do this in phases. Like phase one is to make it clear to her that you reject her behavior and since she is a serial cheater you do not believe it is possible for her to change. Phase 2 is end all unnecessary contact with her. That means anything that is NOT related to logistical matters like visits with your kids & grandkids or having to help her with some medical thing. Nothing more. Phase 3 is to move to another room in the house and make it as self-sufficient as possible. Like bed, closet, TV, fridge, microwave - those kinds of things. You are doing these things to prepare you both for divorce. You need to detach from her, emotionally, and find ways to help her become self-sufficient so you won't feel like you've abandoned her when you finally divorce.

 

Finally, if you cannot face the thought of living without her then just accept she is a cheat and ask her to do a better job hiding it. Tell her you don't want to know about her escapades and maybe she shouldn't ask you about yours. You can work on this in marriage counseling as many married couples take this route. They won't divorce but they won't stop the nookie on the side so they need to learn how to live with this situation. Maybe this can work for you.

 

Good luck.

[surprised32]

I really hate to say how hard this will be for me. I have financially set myself for a comfortable retirement and have no debt. She also has a very good income.

 

It is going to be very hard to get back to this situation being in my mid 50s but I am intellectual enough to know what I need to do.

 

I was going to tell her next week that I am going to move out and distance myself from her. This is going to destroy her.

[S2B]

I really hate to say how hard this will be for me. I have financially set myself for a comfortable retirement and have no debt. She also has a very good income.

 

It is going to be very hard to get back to this situation being in my mid 50s but I am intellectual enough to know what I need to do.

 

I was going to tell her next week that I am going to move out and distance myself from her. This is going to destroy her.

 

It won't destroy her - she will be free to seek the attention of other men - something she seems to need more than being a wife that respects you and the marriage.

 

Her actions have proven that this is her priority. She has left you very little to work with within a marriage.

[ShatteredLady]

I used to be a very loving, fun, easy-going, affectionate, self-confident lady. I moved to the USA for his career & confidence. He was trapped in a dead-end job & suffered with depression.

 

12 years ago he had an affair with a coworker & it totally destroyed me. We had been together since I was 21. He watched me shatter. I lost way more of myself than I ever realized at the time. It changed me in so many ways but like you, we reconciled. I became more like my old happy self.

 

THEN he did it to me again!!

 

It's not about the infidelity. I could get over that! It's the fact that the man who professes to love me so deeply can (knowing the utter devastation) make the deliberate, calculated choice, to put me through that AGAIN!!

 

She is PROVEN capable, knowing the emotional & mental consequences to YOU, of doing this AGAIN!! People have questioned why now, after 2 years, are you still feeling this anger? I understand. I completely get-it!

 

At the time d-day hits we go into shock. Then we go through the stages of grief. At the time there's unimaginable pain & rage but for survival we fight to get back our lives. As time passes & we are supposed to "get over it" the reality & resentments truly hit & it's horrific!!!

 

Now it's time for YOU to be selfish. It's time for YOU to take care of YOU. Time is on your side. There's no need to decide today what you really need to find peace & contentment in your life. Really focus on your needs. If you want to stay married what do you need to be happy? Can you ever honestly process what she has done to you REPEATEDLY & live a happy life?