Fearing the LDR [ending the distance]

[Hamburger]

Long time lurker, first time poster

 

I'll get to it: got out of a decade+ relationship a while back. Not my decision, but I accepted it pretty quickly. In many ways I felt it was a gift; we met when we were young, and while I was able to do a lot of the things I wanted to do, and it was a pretty solid relationship for majority of its life, there were obviously sacrifices on behalf of the relationship. It wasn't a turbulent relationship, but life and changes happen. I took the opportunity with my new freedom to go for the things I wanted. Now I'm not talking romantic relationships, but other things - activities, interests, outdoor activities, travel, career goals, etc.

 

Everybody copes in different ways, but I was happy being single and didn't even want to hook up or be in a relationship for a while. There was too much to do. So I didn't.

 

Fast forward a few months and, naturally, when I wasn't "looking" I met somebody. Me (30/M) her (40/F). It was an innocuous and slow start. Trouble is she lived far away. But over time we saw each other more and more, doing trips to other places near and far. Now we're at about 8 months.

 

While physically present, things were, I would say, pretty swell. We had fun, did some really cool things, and over time got to know each other in a more intimate and deeper manner. Good, right? We would text but mainly talk when we weren't together.

 

Now the time has come to end the LD component of the LDR. She's planning to move where I am and we'll find a place together, and with such an impending and large decision, I've really had to face my doubts and fears. It is also hard to necessarily pinpoint what they are. I am trying to avoid overthinking and simply go with "my gut."

 

My gut is conflicted: there are many facets I could see long-term with her. We've shared quite a few of these ambitions, and they could work really well. But...

 

Here are some kickers:

She wants kids. I don't really. At least not now. Classic, right? Well it is complicated because of our age difference. I really don't want to get tied down with something like that at this moment, but that timeline is accelerated for her. We've talked about it, but I really think she's been pushing aside her desires for the stability of the relationship now, but I do fear that will not last.

 

There is an insecurity issue that has been bubbling about.

This is typically a "red flag" and not something I experienced in my previous relationship. At first I thought (and she stated) it could be attributed to the distance, but there have been a couple of moments where this insecurity reared its head even when we were together, doing things where expressions insecurity and jealously were unnecessary. We're not talking massive outbursts or rage, but just obvious displays of insecurity and many instances of distrust. From everything I've read and talked through, these issues seldom get better with time, and I sincerely worry this will manifest itself in a destructive manner down the road. I have noticed on a couple of occasions where I've definitely felt like I was in a "guilty until proven innocent" position. Even when I could actually "prove" my side, I didn't because of the precedent it would set. Not healthy for a relationship.

I've been pretty open with her, but I really don't think that will be sufficient.

 

There is also a financial component. She's fairly well off, I'm not. Moving in together will be a financial challenge for me. Even though I've brought this up a couple of times, she's almost outright dismissed its importance to her. To be frank, that has given me even more worry since it can be such a major factor in relationships. Beyond that, with such added strains, I feel it could totally affect my ability to meet some of my other goals, and honestly I don't want that kind of resentment to brew up.

 

Minor goals. I wasn't single very long, and while I was just going through life with purpose, I do fear that some of my goals will once again go to the backburner. I do not want that to happen. I genuinely think some can happen with her, which is cool.

 

And finally there are just moments where things feel "off" - we're not talking massive, but palpable. Some things I've heard from her just don't quite match what I am seeing. As I mentioned, I'm not sure if some of it is just cold feet or just adding it together in my head.

 

Overall, I'm not sure I'm really seeking advice. I'm sure there will be some that will say "if you had to ask, you already know" or "talk with your partner" - all valid points. But I am open to reading whatever advice y'all have. I was more interested if some of you have had similar experiences and what decisions you made.

 

Cheers

[Miss Spider]

At first glance it sounds like a case of cold feet brought on by the pressure and commitment of her moving to where you are and you guys settling in together. But closer look tells me guys have some communication issues and other legitimate concerns. Finances, children(my mom had me at 46, but if she wants it sooner rather than later), distrust, mismatched goals can all be big dealbreakers in relationships. These red flags need to be discussed and ironed out, or could explode things later on down the line. You guys are still in the honeymoon phase at 8mo long distance. May not be concentrating on the problems as much as much. Need to really talk to her about your concerns.

[Popsicle]

Well LDR's are great for people who really don't want a real relationship. They keep you safe. But the problem is, once someone wants to close the distance gap, you won't be safe anymore and the gig is up. I advise breaking it off before she changes her life to move near you.

[PegNosePete]

You must be nuts to even consider moving in with someone you have spent to little time with - let alone buying a house together!

 

How about she rent a flat for 6 months first, locally to you?

 

If things go well, seeing each other every weekend and some weeknights too, then you can consider moving in together.

[Lilyana76]

There is a lot more going on than the LDR. I would seriously consider your "hang ups" and have a serious discussion about them before moving in together. Moving from one area to another is a big decision and all issues should be discussed before it happens. Things will not go well after the move if you don't hash things out before hand.

 

Good luck

[Whodatdog]

Im reading a lot of major issues between you two. At this junction, I certainly wouldnt move in together. It doesnt feel right for you for many reasons, and you should listen to this. Moving in together is a much bigger commitment than you may realize. Its all well and good now, but if things just dont work out, and you break up....uh, you're living together. One of you will have to move out. Its not like you just go to your individual apartments. You said financially she's well off, have her get her own apartment.

 

Dont be in such a hurry. Eight months is hardly any time, especially being long distance. Dont be pushed into something so important, theres a lot of big issues here. I think its still important for you to have your private space, and you wont have that living together.

Edited January 24, 2017 by Whodatdog

[Hamburger]

Greatly appreciate the perspectives from you all. In my previous relationship, it was years before we moved in & later got engaged. The outcome notwithstanding, there was ample time and clarity in communication, so this tremendous lack of certainty never really surfaced; it felt good. While that isn't the gold-standard I'd aspire for again seeing as every relationship is different, the way I feel right now is extremely different and it just doesn't feel very good.

 

Even despite bringing these feelings up with her since posting, it doesn't feel like there was substantive progress. Some clarity has been a relief. Thanks again all!