Complicated Situation With Best Friend. Should I Stay or Should I Go?

[WhoAmI26]

I have/had this friend. Let's call her K. We met online due to a mutual dislike of a former friend of ours. The first day I talked to her we chatted for hours on end: she was so chatty but she was funny and deep. It turned into a fast friendship, partly due to how eerily similar we were.

 

Over the course of a few months our friendship grew. I ended up in a bad situation and she ended up being an amazing friend and she lived hundreds of miles away. She expressed later than she wanted to meet me, and took the steps to make that happen. This was two years ago. We finally meet and became roommates. I still remember how I was seeing a very attractive young girl in flannel and skinny jeans, pulling up in a mustang and saying " Nice to finally meet you, get in."

 

You ever met someone for the first time and it felt like you knew them for a long time? Normally my meet ups usually end up with lots of awkward silences, she and I talked for hours and I loved every minute of it. It was so refreshing not having to be the sole enteratainer.

 

I took back and forth trips in and out of the city, and we mutually parted ways as roommates. We were still very good friends despite that and our arguments.

 

She had her flaws, one more notably her competitive nature around men. She was a feminist and a lesbian leaning pansexual. We butted heads over her general stances on issues facing genders today. At times I felt disrespected purely because I was male, as her attitudes changed into a more submissive nature around females in general.

 

One day while I was out of the city seeing family, we had a late night talk and I made the classic mistake: I ended up developing feelings. When I saw her again my attraction to her was so magnetic. But it was different. The majority of my thoughts with her involved just kissing, cuddling, and spending time with one another. Sex rarely, if ever, crossed my mind and I never had these feelings for a woman before. She found out and in classic fashion, said she wasnt ready for a relationship. I believed her, and decided to wait months before asking her out again. Got the same answer.

 

We told each other our darkest secrets, made each other laugh, and we read each other well. I never had a connection of that emotional level with anyone before. Then, something changed. She made a new friend. Let's call her "C"

 

C was someone she knew from her volunteer work. They ended up becoming good. K, as it turned out, came from an upper middle class background. So did C. They bonded. As they did, she and I spent less time together. Many times she claimed to be busy with work but was found with her new friend. I felt slighted but stuck around out of fear of being the bad guy because a girl I like doesnt feel the same way.

 

One day K admits frustration that she likes her friend a lot but said friend is straight. I sneerly said "I wouldnt know the feeling." To which she rolled her eyes, saying "I treat her better than her bf does, I wish she liked girls."

 

I made another classic mistake: I tried setting her up with girls...none of which my friend was interested in.

 

When we saw each other again, she had changed. The once down to earth, soulful, hilarious girl became more ambition minded and decided to a path to financial success. She wanted me to join her in this endeavor. I asked "Are you asking me out? She said "Sorry, youre not wealthy nor ambitious enough for me, but that could change in the future. Who knows? But I believe you can do it. You're my best friend

 

That sounded like a pep talk, but it just...hurt. I hid my pain and just hung out. I had a great time. Things deteriorated from there. In many ways she really was my best friend, I thought, so why am I suddenly so unhappy?

 

The texts became less and less. She lived two miles away from me but would go 30 miles or more to visit other female friends and not stop by to say hi. She claimed she was always busy and hardly had time for anyone. I still stuck around.

 

One day she came to me, depressed, after admitting that C had hit her because she wanted K to move in and help her pay the bills. I refused and was struck for it. I took her out for lunch and cheered her up. Well, actually, I tried. What happened was that upon hearing that, I told K that I was going to give the girl a piece of my mind. K threatened to end our friendship right then and there if I talked to C. I was fuming mad. Fuming. I said " Three years of friendship, three years, and you are willing to trash it so easily over this woman?" She told me she didnt want to make things worse for her.

 

Things kinda snowballes from there. She told her that she is too busy to text anyone these days and that she isnt ignoring me, but that im not entitled to her attention.

 

After that, I sent her a goodbye text, since she refused to see me or pickup the phone so we could talk about it in person.

 

Right now, because of how great of a friend she was in the past, I think I might have jumped the gun a bit. She has priorities and ambitions that I fully respect her for. But I had busy friends and they still take time to talk to me, if only for a hi. Dont think thats much to ask from my best friend.

 

But I also have strong feelings for her that has affected my judgment, and I told her Id be her friend no matter what, because I do love her.

 

When I sent her the goodbye text, she just shrugged and wished me luck.

 

It's been three weeks of no contact. What should I do? Should I get over her and try for friendship again later or just move on completely?

[preraph]

By threatening to have a talk with the other woman, if you had done that, it would have been a huge breach of her privacy because she told you that in confidence. And yes, she knows you are not neutral so she has no reason to take your advice on relationships.

 

You are more invested than she is. Her saying that about the financial stuff may literally have been her way of just telling you what SHE looks for in a romantic interest, what she envisions, someone well off and/or ambitious. I can see where it would sting, but she is your friend first.

 

You have a complex relationship. It's honestly probably only going to hold you back from meeting someone who reciprocates your feelings if you remain focused on her.

[WhoAmI26]

Crap. I never saw it that way.

 

At this point, im sure I owe her an apology. However, I'm not sure, after all of this, if I can still be just her friend.

 

It is all so complicated.

Edited January 24, 2017 by WhoAmI26