CloudyHead Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I rejoined the dating pool last year. I met a guy on an online dating site. We went out once in August. About twice in September. He was adamant that he was not interested in a relationship and he only wanted to text and did not like talking on the telephone. I was okay with that . . .more of a friendship and doing things together. We went out a few times in October. At the end of October he told me that I was growing on him and he was liking me more. I told him that I liked him too. In late November, he told me that he had purchased a pair of $160.00 boots that I had told him I liked and was looking to purchase for myself. I was shocked as I thought that was a lot of money to spend. He said they were a Christmas present for me and gave them to me at Christmas. In December, he invited me to his house to meet his family - siblings, nephews, nieces, etc. He also became very sick and asked me to take him to three doctors' appointments wherein he introduced me as his girlfriend to his doctor. At this point, we see each other every weekend. We either do things with friends or go out alone. Every time I mention the word "relationship" he immediately freezes up and gets this pained look on his face. He says he has walls up and cannot deal with a relationship. He wants to take things slow. He does not like talking about his past relationships and after several attempts to get him to talk about them, I have stopped asking him. Oh, and not talking on the phone? Now, he calls me at least once a day. I do not initiate the telephone contact. He texts me "good morning" and "good night" every day and we randomly text during the day if work allows it. He's 44. I'm 48. I think he likes me. I think we are in a relationship. I just cannot get him to talk about it. What do you think?!
Brittybritt92 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Why do you need a label? If everything is going well, just enjoy it.
Logo Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 My educated guess is he's been scarred by a previous relationship and can't admit it to himself that he's in a long-term committed relationship. He's in denial. I think that's ok, though. Who needs labels if you guys are good together and are exclusive? Sometimes it's best to let things be than dig into the past.
LoveFiend Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 So um let me get this straight he introduces you as his "girlfriend" to his doctor yet freezes up and refuses to accept he is in a relationship. Lol this guy is really funny 2
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 He's 44. I'm 48. I think he likes me. I think we are in a relationship. I just cannot get him to talk about it. What do you think?! I think at 44, and everything we went through by that age, there isn't enough time left to waste it on men suffering from emotional constipation. One day he'll be over what ever is his problem and he'll move on and he'll tell you : I've never promised you a rose garden. Your choice. I know at 50 I am done pulling my hair out because a man can't or won't express his feelings. At my age I want thing to be clear, mutual, smooth, easy, and fulfilling. How do you want things to be at your age? 5
preraph Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Listen, at his age, plenty of people don't want to remarry or mix money and have that type of commitments. He sounds decent with things as is, but of course, if you have not had the marriage experience and that is your dream and nothing else will do, then of course, he's not the guy for you. He doesn't even want to talk about it. Now, I would at least want to know if he's keeping feelers out and still dating. But then if he assured you he wasn't, I'd just go with the flow and enjoy this. Now, if he IS dating others from time to time, you must do that too. 1
Author CloudyHead Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 Thank you for the comments/feedback. I do think I am trying to put a label on "us" for some reason . . . Guess I just like labels. We both agreed not to see other people at this point in time and I have told him that if he changes his mind on that issue, to let me know.
smackie9 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 You are "exclusively dating" which would be acceptable for the first month or so. BUT don't wait 6 months for him to "Put a label" on it. 3
kendahke Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Do you two have a sexual relationship? Do you have 5-10 years to spend being his "exclusive buddy"? When someone who wants to give you the label of relationship and girlfriend eventually comes along, you're going to be tied up with this dude trying to negate you and the dynamic of what is going on, If he's saying "I don't want a relationship", "I don't want labels", blah blah, I'd tell him in the moment the next time he calls you his girlfriend to a stranger, "I'm his friend, not his girlfriend". 3
Author CloudyHead Posted February 20, 2017 Author Posted February 20, 2017 After reading the responses to my post, I backed off and just enjoyed being with the guy I am dating. I'm not interested in getting remarried at this point in my life as I feel I need to get my kids out of middle school and high school, which is a personal preference. I gave him a Valentine's Day gift before Valentine's. We hadn't discussed Valentine's at all. I wanted to give him something and had no expectations of getting anything in return (really I didn't). For the most part we see each other only on weekends. We talk every day. On Valentine's Day he said he was ready to change our relationship to boyfriend/girlfriend. This past weekend he had gifts for me, took me to an escape room (love those), took me out to eat one night and cooked dinner for me the next night. We also had sex four times (initiated my him). Previously we might have sex twice a month amd when I brought up the lack of sex he stated that he didn't want to have something based on sex so I backed off on that issue. No "I love you" has been exchanged between us although I do love him. I think saying these words to him would make him freeze up.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 He doesn't want to put a label on it?! Rubbish. Do you understand commitment? A declaration means a lot and he may or may not realize this. He may be playing games or he really believes that that word means a lot. It should. See how it's affecting you? For him to avoid using the term 'relationship' is simply absurd. That word has power for some, for most. For him to told back doesn't make sense as it will not help him being hurt again, if it's in the cards. You two are in a relationship. Full stop.
Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 Thank you for the comments/feedback. I do think I am trying to put a label on "us" for some reason . . . Guess I just like labels. We both agreed not to see other people at this point in time and I have told him that if he changes his mind on that issue, to let me know. The only reason I "like" a label if you aren't going to marry that person, is to at least distinguish each other as more than side pieces or plus 1's for things. Otherwise, if both parties are getting what they want and need from the relationship, they should just enjoy that.
GoldSparkz Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 Previously we might have sex twice a month amd when I brought up the lack of sex he stated that he didn't want to have something based on sex so I backed off on that issue. No "I love you" has been exchanged between us although I do love him. I think saying these words to him would make him freeze up. It seems as though you are progressing at different paces and his slow pace is due to his past experiences. The fact that he doesn't want to base the relationship on sex suggests that he has had a bad experience with a past relationship and wants to take his time with you. It shows that he cares and values the time spent with you. From what you said, everything seems to be progressing fine, so I wouldn't worry about labels. Definitely back off and give him time to open up. The more you push, the more he'll start pulling away.
Miss Spider Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 (edited) If labels are not important, and it would make you happy, then why wouldn't he just label it? Tell you why. It means something to him. Yeah, it means a lot. That's why he's reluctant to use it. He's drawing a line separating you two that even he oversteps at times. I suggest this articlehttps://www.google.com/amp/s/www.inverse.com/amp/article/5326-the-evolving-language-of-exclusivity-means-you-re-not-in-a-relationship?client=safari Particularly this excerpt: “When I’m exclusive with someone I like, it’s primarily my desire that I don’t need to worry about if she is being with other people,” says 25-year-old Bryn. “When you’re not bf/gf’ there is less of a pressure to analyze that relationship in terms of having a defined future with them. There’s also a difference in that, if someone is my girlfriend she is representative of me, which I wouldn’t equate to someone I’m just exclusive with.” I think what this guy said elucidates what a lot of guys feel when they're reluctant to slap on a 'label' or even talk about it. Edited February 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough
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