Logo Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I somehow got myself into an LDR with someone who is planning on moving to my area. We haven't talked much, but from the few conversations we've had over the last few weeks, she's already head over heels. She told me she's inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I don't know what to do. I was planning on taking things slow after my last relationship. I'm still thinking about my ex. Even though I want to be in a relationship, I'm still at that stage where I don't feel the same excitement as I used to before my last relationship. I still feel indifferent when I go out on dates. But I keep going out on dates because I feel that I need to keep my hopes up. It helps. I made a mistake, I know. And now, this wonderful soul has fallen head over heels for me, and I don't want to hurt her. I haven't made any romantic overtures, but she's already leaps and bounds ahead of me, excited about her new found feelings. I don't know what to do. I want to take things slow. If we're not a good fit, I want to be able to still be friends, but I can tell that it will break her heart. I really feel ***** about this and I have no idea what to do. Help! 1
smackie9 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Being honest with her is all you can do. You hurt her more by not saying anything.....man up. 1
Gracieboo Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Please, tell her exactly how you feel and that you want to take things slowly. Avoiding the subject and telling white lies will do much more harm. At least, that was my experience. 1
Jj66 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Or you could just bang her until it gets boring. Your choice.
Satu Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Tell her exactly what you've told us. There's no better alternative. Take care.
Author Logo Posted January 23, 2017 Author Posted January 23, 2017 Thanks for all the suggestions, well, Jj66's was humorous so thanks for that too.
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Tell her the truth that you don't share her feelings and maybe never will and you are not over your ex. Do not tell her you want to take things slow. She has no experience so she won't be able to translate the true meaning of it which means in reality : i am not into you! Us old daters would see through it but not her. 1
Author Logo Posted January 23, 2017 Author Posted January 23, 2017 Do not tell her you want to take things slow. She has no experience so she won't be able to translate the true meaning of it which means in reality : i am not into you! What makes you say that?
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 What makes you say that? Experience. Isn't it true? you are not that into her. You said it yourself, you do not share her feelings and excitement. Telling her you want to take things slow = not that into her You are emotionally unavailable to offer her what she needs, be honest. Also by experience I know people need a few transition relationship after a break up before settling down. She will be one of your transition relationships. If she had experience she could embark in this with you knowing exactly what it means but she doesn't. This is really not the type of woman you should use as band-aid on your wounds. Find someone with dating experience that knows exactly the type of chances she is taking if dating you
Author Logo Posted January 23, 2017 Author Posted January 23, 2017 you do not share her feelings and excitement. Telling her you want to take things slow = not that into her I don't share her feelings because that's how I have felt about every person I have met since my last relationship ended. You are emotionally unavailable to offer her what she needs, be honest. Not at the moment. But, by the time she's ready to move to this area, I will be ready. Is that reckless? Also by experience I know people need a few transition relationship after a break up before settling down. She will be one of your transition relationships. I don't know. Is that set in stone? This is really not the type of woman you should use as band-aid on your wounds. I'm not trying to use her as a band aid. Why does it seem that way?
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I don't share her feelings because that's how I have felt about every person I have met since my last relationship ended. Than why waste her time. If you were to feel excited about her you'd feel it already. You know how it works Not at the moment. But, by the time she's ready to move to this area, I will be ready. Is that reckless? Oh how do you know you will be ready? didn't you say you dated a series of women and your feeling never developed? How do you know your feelings will develop? To me it is reckless to take that chance on a woman with no experience that has already thrown herself at your feet. I'm not trying to use her as a band aid. Why does it seem that way? You are emotionally unavailable. You are using this poor woman for all the wrong reasons. You said you feel nothing but you think it's a good thing to keep dating to keep your hopes up. How would you feel if a woman you fell hard for just dated you to keep herself busy after her last break up? and she felt nothing for you but kept dating you?
Author Logo Posted January 23, 2017 Author Posted January 23, 2017 I don't know. My ex used to use beautiful language to describe how she felt and after she betrayed my trust anytime someone speaks to me in the same language it doesn't trigger the same excitement it used to because I feel jaded and cynical. But I know that this is not the case with this woman. But still, whatever she says doesn't move me the way similar words used to move me and that applies to anyone and everyone I have dated since the relationship with my ex ended. I just chalk up such talk to infatuation and realize that infatuation doesn't last and the real test is when you get to know someone after a few months.
Author Logo Posted January 23, 2017 Author Posted January 23, 2017 Than why waste her time. If you were to feel excited about her you'd feel it already. You know how it works Oh how do you know you will be ready? didn't you say you dated a series of women and your feeling never developed? How do you know your feelings will develop? To me it is reckless to take that chance on a woman with no experience that has already thrown herself at your feet. You are emotionally unavailable. You are using this poor woman for all the wrong reasons. You said you feel nothing but you think it's a good thing to keep dating to keep your hopes up. How would you feel if a woman you fell hard for just dated you to keep herself busy after her last break up? and she felt nothing for you but kept dating you? I understand what you're saying. I agree. I'm not doing it out of malice. I'm afraid that I will never have what I had with my ex and I'm trying to get back out there as quickly as possible. It just feels that way.
BlueRidgeMT Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I understand what you're saying. I agree. I'm not doing it out of malice. I'm afraid that I will never have what I had with my ex and I'm trying to get back out there as quickly as possible. It just feels that way. OP...then...should you really be dating ANYONE if you are still harboring such feelings? This may sound cliché, but maybe you have not experienced total 'closure' with this last relationship. Is it fair to be out there in the dating world when you still are a bit .....out of it, for lack of a better way to say it? It seems from how you describe what you are feeling that ANY woman you meet right now just may not get the fairest shake from you because you are a tad bit ...bitter...dare I say? Now, that is the way it APPEARS to me. I cant say what you are actually feeling. But...do you think just not dating anyone for a bit until you are over it a bit more..or...maybe AS SOON AS you meet people you tell them you do NOT want a relationship and only want to hang out casually. It doesn't sound like you are ready for anything more yet. 1
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I understand what you're saying. I agree. I'm not doing it out of malice. I'm afraid that I will never have what I had with my ex and I'm trying to get back out there as quickly as possible. It just feels that way. I am sure you are not doing this out of malice but you will still hurt women along the way. When I was doing online dating I came across many men like you. They did everything right, they gave me hope to only disappoint me a couple of months down the road. You need to mourn your relationship and everything you lost with it. The only fact you are searching for the same feeling she made you feel confirms you aren't ready to seriously date. Not one love will feel the same to you. You can't chase with someone else what you had in the past. This woman is probably a terrific woman but you cannot fully appreciate it because you are consciously or unconsciously comparing her to your ex and what you had. Then there is the fact you are afraid of being hurt again. We all go through that after a break up and only time will give you back the will to trust someone else again. There is no magic to it, it's time. You are not ready to date seriously. You can be out there and go out, and have fun and date but you have to be clear with women you are not ready for serious dating. 1
Author Logo Posted January 23, 2017 Author Posted January 23, 2017 You can't chase with someone else what you had in the past. I'm not comparing. I'm past that stage. I just don't feel excitement about anything anymore, relationships or not. Maybe I have more issues to deal with than I realized.
BlueRidgeMT Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I am sure you are not doing this out of malice but you will still hurt women along the way. When I was doing online dating I came across many men like you. They did everything right, they gave me hope to only disappoint me a couple of months down the road. You need to mourn your relationship and everything you lost with it. The only fact you are searching for the same feeling she made you feel confirms you aren't ready to seriously date. Not one love will feel the same to you. You can't chase with someone else what you had in the past. This woman is probably a terrific woman but you cannot fully appreciate it because you are consciously or unconsciously comparing her to your ex and what you had. Then there is the fact you are afraid of being hurt again. We all go through that after a break up and only time will give you back the will to trust someone else again. There is no magic to it, it's time. You are not ready to date seriously. You can be out there and go out, and have fun and date but you have to be clear with women you are not ready for serious dating. Exactly! It sucks dealing with people who are going through that. I mean I get it. Been there, felt that. But, I sure don't want to meet anyone whose going through that because they put you through emotional rollercoasters.
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I. Maybe I have more issues to deal with than I realized. How long ago did you break up? How long was your relationship? It's normal to feel depressed after a break up. It took me 3 years to get over a 4 year relationship. I call it my trip down to hell. I was numb to a lot of things. I could not stand the sound of music for an entire year. The difference with me is I did not seek men. I worked on myself and on healing from my pain without dragging someone else in it with me. I read a lot, I traveled, I made new friends, I pursued new hobbies, and built strong relationship with family and friends. One morning I got up and I was ready to welcome someone in my life again.
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