Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Say Goodnight, Gracie. Move on from this guy. It's a dead end. He's playing games with you. It's Thursday night and he hasn't asked for another date. Instead he's being sketchy and passive-aggressive. Actually, I think you are too. Unless the surgery was so personal or a lobotomy, why wouldn't you share that with him as a matter of making conversation. You withheld the information to see if he cared enough to ask about it and now he is. If it is that personal, you shouldn't have mentioned it all. Nevertheless, I don't think he's worth bothering with. That was a funny one Ok seriously though. I agree. It's passive-aggressive and immature. There's a communication breakdown. And you both are having chips on your shoulders. It's getting dumb. Or it's just dumb. Who wants to date someone that treats them like the enemy? This is supposed to be fun and you both keep shooting down opportunities for that. Even Gracie when he texted you, you could have taken that convo about 50 shades somewhere else but got defensive--that's NOT a good start to a dating thing with him. Plus like I said all along, consider that he is possibly lame too. And yes it seems like there is some of that going on as well. But your communication is totally breaking down. It's not cool to have to keep apologizing for basics in dating. This kind of stuff will get you nowhere with him nor further along with your experience, but likely to build more walls and bad perceptions about guys, which is maybe why you are acting so defensively with him.
Author Gracieboo Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 That was a funny one Ok seriously though. I agree. It's passive-aggressive and immature. There's a communication breakdown. And you both are having chips on your shoulders. It's getting dumb. Or it's just dumb. Who wants to date someone that treats them like the enemy? This is supposed to be fun and you both keep shooting down opportunities for that. Even Gracie when he texted you, you could have taken that convo about 50 shades somewhere else but got defensive--that's NOT a good start to a dating thing with him. Plus like I said all along, consider that he is possibly lame too. And yes it seems like there is some of that going on as well. But your communication is totally breaking down. It's not cool to have to keep apologizing for basics in dating. This kind of stuff will get you nowhere with him nor further along with your experience, but likely to build more walls and bad perceptions about guys, which is maybe why you are acting so defensively with him. When he mentioned the movie, my first thought was that he was talking about sex, and I got annoyed. Then, even when he said personality wise, it just sounded weird... like he is trying to tell me something is wrong with him, or is giving me warning what to expect if I keep seeing him... anyway, nothing positive. Submissive gf and such were running in my mind. I am totaly confused now by his actions and texts.... What was the purpose of these texts?
Jj66 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Yes, time to hit reset and try going out with someone else.
Author Gracieboo Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 Yes, time to hit reset and try going out with someone else. Why? Do you care to elaborate?
Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 When he mentioned the movie, my first thought was that he was talking about sex, and I got annoyed. Then, even when he said personality wise, it just sounded weird... like he is trying to tell me something is wrong with him, or is giving me warning what to expect if I keep seeing him... anyway, nothing positive. Submissive gf and such were running in my mind. I am totaly confused now by his actions and texts.... What was the purpose of these texts? Yeah, he might have been baiting you/trying to turn the conversation toward sex. And??? You can and should have handled it with confidence and in funny light-hearted way and maybe say something sarcastic or thrown out a challenge. Like "sure you are". He won't be the first or last guy to say something dumb trying to make conversation with you. There will be many more! If you had any desire to keep something going with this guy, you bat it back in a way that shows you have something. Defensiveness is a turn off and a barrier to get closer with him. If you think the comment is so offensive that it is a no-go at all anymore, than you can say a defensive statement that shuts him down and puts him in his place and there is no need to "wonder" his motives or try to figure him out because you wouldn't care. Like I said before, I always think the best tactic is to show the best of yourself, you can always decide to stop seeing him for whatever reason or stop communicating. So if you are unsure, keep playing the game that will put you on top--which is not to act defensive but handle his comment differently. He may just be looking for a way to talk to you but not so swift at doing it. Trust me, lots of guys say dumb things. You are going to have to get adept at handling it!
Author Gracieboo Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 Yeah, he might have been baiting you/trying to turn the conversation toward sex. And??? You can and should have handled it with confidence and in funny light-hearted way and maybe say something sarcastic or thrown out a challenge. Like "sure you are". He won't be the first or last guy to say something dumb trying to make conversation with you. There will be many more! If you had any desire to keep something going with this guy, you bat it back in a way that shows you have something. Defensiveness is a turn off and a barrier to get closer with him. If you think the comment is so offensive that it is a no-go at all anymore, than you can say a defensive statement that shuts him down and puts him in his place and there is no need to "wonder" his motives or try to figure him out because you wouldn't care. Like I said before, I always think the best tactic is to show the best of yourself, you can always decide to stop seeing him for whatever reason or stop communicating. So if you are unsure, keep playing the game that will put you on top--which is not to act defensive but handle his comment differently. He may just be looking for a way to talk to you but not so swift at doing it. Trust me, lots of guys say dumb things. You are going to have to get adept at handling it! Yeah, I guess. I just freaked out when I saw Christian Grey. I was like: noooo another weird guy, I cant take it anymore. And shut him down. But then, we kept talking to me... for a while. And drop the convo again.
Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Yeah, I guess. I just freaked out when I saw Christian Grey. I was like: noooo another weird guy, I cant take it anymore. And shut him down. But then, we kept talking to me... for a while. And drop the convo again. You need to switch your intention from trying to find out if he is interested and his motives to DECIDING if what he is doing is interesting or good enough for you. Take things on a shorter basis. Usually when someone is wanting to know the other person's interest they have already decided they want to be chosen. Decide to be the choser. Put yourself in evaluating mode. And don't think farther into the future than today, current text conversation or next date. NO FURTHER! This is where most girls make the mistake. Why do you want to know where he stands on you when you are not impressed by him? Listen to what you are saying on a moment by moment basis, not what you have decided overall that you want to happen. Moment by moment, you are not impressed. Why in the world do you want to know what the end point will be with him when you don't like what is happening now? Maybe you are disappointing in yourself because you know you aren't acting the best either. At this point, so what? Learn from it for you. But don't negate what he is acting like. You both are being kinda lame individually. Every opportunity to connect is getting messed up. When there is this much mess at the beginning and not much glue, I don't see much of a future. And think it's not smart to invest more of yourself. You can do much better if you act differently with the next one rather than try to fix things with this one, who has shown himself to be problematic. Take the lesson, move on.
Author Gracieboo Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 You need to switch your intention from trying to find out if he is interested and his motives to DECIDING if what he is doing is interesting or good enough for you. Take things on a shorter basis. Usually when someone is wanting to know the other person's interest they have already decided they want to be chosen. Decide to be the choser. Put yourself in evaluating mode. And don't think farther into the future than today, current text conversation or next date. NO FURTHER! This is where most girls make the mistake. Why do you want to know where he stands on you when you are not impressed by him? Listen to what you are saying on a moment by moment basis, not what you have decided overall that you want to happen. Moment by moment, you are not impressed. Why in the world do you want to know what the end point will be with him when you don't like what is happening now? Maybe you are disappointing in yourself because you know you aren't acting the best either. At this point, so what? Learn from it for you. But don't negate what he is acting like. You both are being kinda lame individually. Every opportunity to connect is getting messed up. When there is this much mess at the beginning and not much glue, I don't see much of a future. And think it's not smart to invest more of yourself. You can do much better if you act differently with the next one rather than try to fix things with this one, who has shown himself to be problematic. Take the lesson, move on. Dating sucks. So many weirdos out there. Not saying that this guy is but... it is def hard
Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Dating sucks. So many weirdos out there. Not saying that this guy is but... it is def hard If you truly believe that, it will show in your actions like it has. You are on the defense. Try to see the fun side of it or take a break. Walk away if you think a guy is weird--just turn it into a funny story. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 This is getting interesting now. He texted me asking if I saw fifty shades of grey. My first thought was maybe he will suggest movie for a second date. I said yes and there is a sequel (not a big fan of the movie but whatever). He said: well I am like Christian Grey. I was soooo annoyed and replied: ok, not that I have to know that. He replied: I mean personality wise. I texted: so you are abusive and controlling? He said, no not really, I am only slightly possessive. Anyway, in the end I asked him if he was going to see the movie and he was like when it is on TV. Wtf? Is he interested or what? Also, on our date I mentioned I had surgery but refused to tell him what kind of surgery. And now, he told me he will tell me more about his personality when I tell him about my surgery. That was obviously bothering him and looked like I was hiding something, I guess. He sounds freaking creepy
Author Gracieboo Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 If you truly believe that, it will show in your actions like it has. You are on the defense. Try to see the fun side of it or take a break. Walk away if you think a guy is weird--just turn it into a funny story. I have been on few dates so far. All the guys asked for the second date and so on. BUT, only weird guys wanted something serious. The rest of the guys that I actually liked wanted casual relationship or like this one started acting weird. Either, something is wrong with me or my standards are too high. The first guy I met was a good looking guy. But he put on his online profile that he was born in Florida and has masters degree. Turns out he moved to USA 6 years ago (even has a slight accent) and started his master program but realized it was too hard to continue. Wtf? Such a turn off... Second and third guy wanted only FWB and now this one...
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 (edited) I have been on few dates so far. All the guys asked for the second date and so on. BUT, only weird guys wanted something serious. The rest of the guys that I actually liked wanted casual relationship or like this one started acting weird. Either, something is wrong with me or my standards are too high. The first guy I met was a good looking guy. But he put on his online profile that he was born in Florida and has masters degree. Turns out he moved to USA 6 years ago (even has a slight accent) and started his master program but realized it was too hard to continue. Wtf? Such a turn off... Second and third guy wanted only FWB and now this one... There's probably nothing wrong with you. Welcome to online dating. Edited January 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I have been on few dates so far. All the guys asked for the second date and so on. BUT, only weird guys wanted something serious. The rest of the guys that I actually liked wanted casual relationship or like this one started acting weird. Either, something is wrong with me or my standards are too high. The first guy I met was a good looking guy. But he put on his online profile that he was born in Florida and has masters degree. Turns out he moved to USA 6 years ago (even has a slight accent) and started his master program but realized it was too hard to continue. Wtf? Such a turn off... Second and third guy wanted only FWB and now this one... I know you are frustrated while we are talking about this and airing the problems so they can be addressed but you do seem just defeated in general. It comes out in the way you speak and word your posts. In addition, the conclusions you come to (bolded above). Your standards are your standards, I don't think you should lower them. If you are unrealistic or not giving someone a chance bc you are working off a list of what status (job/money) or looks are acceptable that can be a mistake. But on some level that is part of your preferences and as long as you are not reaching so far out of what you offer, there shouldn't be a problem. 4 dates isn't much AND there are things you are not handling well. You need to keep trying and improve your own game/change your attitude. Not being interested in someone because they lied about being in a masters program sounds reasonable to me. Rather than seeing moving on from guys who don't meet your standards as a failure (liar, only wants FWB, etc), see them as just not a match and keep moving. Internet dating is tough as cookies pointed out and 4 isn't many. I think you should try meeting people through actives and friends as well. 1
Author Gracieboo Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 I know you are frustrated while we are talking about this and airing the problems so they can be addressed but you do seem just defeated in general. It comes out in the way you speak and word your posts. In addition, the conclusions you come to (bolded above). Your standards are your standards, I don't think you should lower them. If you are unrealistic or not giving someone a chance bc you are working off a list of what status (job/money) or looks are acceptable that can be a mistake. But on some level that is part of your preferences and as long as you are not reaching so far out of what you offer, there shouldn't be a problem. 4 dates isn't much AND there are things you are not handling well. You need to keep trying and improve your own game/change your attitude. Not being interested in someone because they lied about being in a masters program sounds reasonable to me. Rather than seeing moving on from guys who don't meet your standards as a failure (liar, only wants FWB, etc), see them as just not a match and keep moving. Internet dating is tough as cookies pointed out and 4 isn't many. I think you should try meeting people through actives and friends as well. I mentioned four that were kind of worth mentioning (I had some attraction with them). The rest, maybe another 4 were just no from the beginning- zero attraction plus they completely misrepresented them on their online profiles. I know 8 people is still not too many but I just feel defeated. And, no I am not looking for good looking guys with good career. I only want a guy I find attractive who is normal and confident (as long as he has his life more or less together, I dont care what he does for living). 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 He sounds freaking creepy Yup..... Made me want to cringe as well. Move on from this one OP
Mkn1010 Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Hey Gracieboo, I wanted to chime in and say that I understand your struggles with online dating all too well and why you would question if it's something you're doing/about you. I totally relate to the problem on not being attracted to the majority of them and only the weirdos wanting a relationship. The few guys I've liked out of the maybe 20 dates I met this last year wanted to get in my pants quickly. So it's not you, it's just the nature of it! I think it's because the really attractive/charismatic men don't need internet dating if they want a GF, therefore they're online just for cheap thrills! The desperado/weirdos are the ones that can't get a GF in real life! That being said, there are exceptions to everything and I think a very small percentage of 'good catches' are there for a relationship. But it will be like finding a needle in a haystack, 8 guys (or even 20 in my case) can possibly be nowhere near enough for that unlsss you're extremely lucky. You just need to decide if sifting through the bin to find one gem is a worthwhile process for you. At the moment, for me, I've decided it's not but that's following on from a recent experience with a seemingly great guy totally playing me to try to get sex. Perhaps I'll re-engage with it at some stage in the future but my attitude at the moment is off, as other posters have mentioned and it comes across in my defensiveness. Nothing wrong with a little break to regroup, even for a month! 2
Author Gracieboo Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 Hey Gracieboo, I wanted to chime in and say that I understand your struggles with online dating all too well and why you would question if it's something you're doing/about you. I totally relate to the problem on not being attracted to the majority of them and only the weirdos wanting a relationship. The few guys I've liked out of the maybe 20 dates I met this last year wanted to get in my pants quickly. So it's not you, it's just the nature of it! I think it's because the really attractive/charismatic men don't need internet dating if they want a GF, therefore they're online just for cheap thrills! The desperado/weirdos are the ones that can't get a GF in real life! That being said, there are exceptions to everything and I think a very small percentage of 'good catches' are there for a relationship. But it will be like finding a needle in a haystack, 8 guys (or even 20 in my case) can possibly be nowhere near enough for that unlsss you're extremely lucky. You just need to decide if sifting through the bin to find one gem is a worthwhile process for you. At the moment, for me, I've decided it's not but that's following on from a recent experience with a seemingly great guy totally playing me to try to get sex. Perhaps I'll re-engage with it at some stage in the future but my attitude at the moment is off, as other posters have mentioned and it comes across in my defensiveness. Nothing wrong with a little break to regroup, even for a month! Thanks for sharing your experience. It is exactly as you described it. But, if only desperate guys (not such a great catches) are dating online, while good ones are taken, doesnt it make us desperate too? I mean we are dating online as well. I really dont have any other way to meet people. I am new in the city, have school in the morning and then I run to work. Two evenings that I have off, I have to study. And that will be my life for the next two years. I think the problem is that weird guys have a hard time getting girls and that is why they put more effort and would want a relationship with every girl. Good looking ones probably get more dates and they are more picky, but still have no problem trying to get sex from their dates. 1
Mkn1010 Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Yes, it probably does make us desperate so that's why I've decided to give it a rest to reset my mindset and refocus on all the parts of my life that I like otherwise. I think it can become an overwhelming focus when you're going on dates all the time, always chatting to guys, you get caught up like a desperate mouse on a wheel trying to catch that bit of cheese. So I'm just stopping the wheel
Author Gracieboo Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 Yes, it probably does make us desperate so that's why I've decided to give it a rest to reset my mindset and refocus on all the parts of my life that I like otherwise. I think it can become an overwhelming focus when you're going on dates all the time, always chatting to guys, you get caught up like a desperate mouse on a wheel trying to catch that bit of cheese. So I'm just stopping the wheel Agreed. I just read some of your threads. What happened with that guy that booked horse ride?
Mkn1010 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 Haha that guy actually ended up having a secret baby he forgot to mention
Author Gracieboo Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 Unbelievable. Yup, if it is too good to be true...
mortensorchid Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 Remember the 48 hour rule: If you have not heard from him within the first 38 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again. Some say that a text is appropriate for his interest, I disagree. It should be a phone call. Texting is a passive way of communication. I have been on many internet dates where the next day (or an hour or so afterward) the man has texted me and said he had a nice time. We'd text for another few days afterward, but he never said he wanted to see me again or hoped I would see him again. Eventually we just taper off and I'd never hear from him again. Based on your description, it didn't sound so great, just a casual encounter. Move on.
Author Gracieboo Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 Remember the 48 hour rule: If you have not heard from him within the first 38 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again. Some say that a text is appropriate for his interest, I disagree. It should be a phone call. Texting is a passive way of communication. I have been on many internet dates where the next day (or an hour or so afterward) the man has texted me and said he had a nice time. We'd text for another few days afterward, but he never said he wanted to see me again or hoped I would see him again. Eventually we just taper off and I'd never hear from him again. Based on your description, it didn't sound so great, just a casual encounter. Move on. I wouldn't agree with 38 hour rule. The guy before him texted me exactly 3 days later. He however seemed interested in casual relationship but we did go out on maybe 5 dates. This guy, however, kept texting me every day (after I texted him first the next day). But then the conversation got weird when he mentioned that movie. Still not sure what was the point of the conversation.
Recommended Posts