First date

January 23, 2017

I posted about this guy before. We talked on skype and then he didnt reach out the next day. Well, he did reach out the day after and we skyped one more time and texted every or every second day.

Last night we went out. Date was ok, we talked, had two drinks (he asked me if I was hungry, I wasnt so we only ordered appetizer). He asked questions about myself and once or twice touched my shoulder casually (I had off shoulder sweater). He wonderded if I liked the bar he picked and mentioned he was thinking about bowling but ultimately decided that bar was a better option.

However, he never mentioned the second date and at the end of the night he gave me a half hug.

I never offered to contribute to the bill because he took it from the table and walked to the bartender to pay while. I followed him and waited next to the exit. Also, I never texted him to say thank you because he gave me the impression that he is little conservative and... Idk.. not kind of a guy who would like it, maybe???

As we hugged he said thanks for coming out and I said thanks for the beer.

It doesnt sound like he is interested? Does it?

Edited January 23, 2017 by Gracieboo

January 23, 2017

Are you interested? Because if you are, he probably doesn't have that impression.

January 23, 2017

Are you interested? Because if you are, he probably doesn't have that impression.

I am. I liked that we got to know each other before we actually met up. We can talk for hours and I would love to see him again and see how it goes.

What did I do to give him that impression?

January 23, 2017

I am. I liked that we got to know each other before we actually met up. We can talk for hours and I would love to see him again and see how it goes.
What did I do to give him that impression?

Here's an idea, text him that you had a good time and you'd like to see him again. If he organises a follow up date, then he is interested.

January 24, 2017

I texted him. I aksed how's his evening going. He replied (immediately) and asked about mine. I said it was alright and then told him that last night I was doing my hw and made so many mistakes. I said "I was probably drunk." He replied you didnt seem drunk, you were probably tired. And that's it.

I guess, I have my answer.

January 24, 2017

I texted him. I aksed how's his evening going. He replied (immediately) and asked about mine. I said it was alright and then told him that last night I was doing my hw and made so many mistakes. I said "I was probably drunk." He replied you didnt seem drunk, you were probably tired. And that's it.
I guess, I have my answer.

You didn't really express much interest in the actual date and how you had a good time though. Unless you just didn't put that in your post. I probably wouldn't have brought it up either because now it appears you aren't as interested.

January 24, 2017

You didn't really express much interest in the actual date and how you had a good time though. Unless you just didn't put that in your post. I probably wouldn't have brought it up either because now it appears you aren't as interested.

But if I wasnt intrested I wouldnt text him. I would have been silent and hope he never reaches out. And, plus he didnt seem intersted in continuing the conversation.

January 24, 2017

OP you don't sound too interested in him based on your post. If you come across as lacking energy, he might perceive it as you not being interested.

You need to be vibrant and energetic on your dates, or it can be a real turn off for us guys.

Your follow-up texting put the nail in the coffin... If I was him, I wouldn't have thought you were still interested at the end of it. The fact that he said you were probably tired should be a sign it didn't go well.

The reason he was not interested in continuing the convo is due to your lack of enthusiasm.

January 24, 2017

OP you don't sound too interested in him based on your post. If you come across as lacking energy, he might perceive it as you not being interested.

You need to be vibrant and energetic on your dates, or it can be a real turn off for us guys.

Your follow-up texting put the nail in the coffin... If I was him, I wouldn't have thought you were still interested at the end of it. The fact that he said you were probably tired should be a sign it didn't go well.

The reason he was not interested in continuing the convo is due to your lack of enthusiasm.

Too bad. I liked him.

January 24, 2017

Too bad. I liked him.

Yes, but what we are telling you is that you seem to exude an aura of disinterest. He is definitely picking up on it, he said you seemed tired during your date.

Your texting had no excitement or indication of interest as well.

I'm going on a 4th date with a gal this week, and after Date #2 we were flirting hard via text and already had inside jokes with each other.

However, we were BOTH energetic on our dates, and it was obvious we were both interested in the other.

January 24, 2017

Also, I never texted him to say thank you because he gave me the impression that he is little conservative and... Idk.. not kind of a guy who would like it, maybe???

If a guy is interested in you, he will ALWAYS like a thank you text after a date.

January 24, 2017

If I treat a woman and she does not say thank you either in person or by text, she does not get a second date. Same goes with being rude to wait staff. No exceptions. When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them.

January 24, 2017

Too bad. I liked him.

Just assume guys are dumb. You might have to hit some of them upside the head with a 2 by 4 to let them know you are interested. Many of the women on here will tell you not to chase. To me there is a huge gulf between showing interest and chasing.

For better or probably worse, times have changed and a woman puts herself at a disadvantage if she passively waits for the guy to do all the initiating. I get the argument about not initiating in the beginning so you can get a feel for how interested he is. But when he does initiate you need to find a way to clearly communicate your interest. If you are passive like a dead fish he will probably get discouraged and try his luck with someone else who shows more interest in him.

Edited January 24, 2017 by Jj66

January 24, 2017

Totally agree!

OP, you don't appear to have portrayed your interest.

People aren't mind readers.

Try some courtesy following a date and some enthusiasm!

January 24, 2017

I did say thank you for the beer as we parted our ways. And I did send a text last night asking about his evening. He wasnt interested in continuing conversation or textkng me this morning.

I think he either didnt feel any chemistry or lost interest when we met in person. The date was 2 hours long but not sure it means anything.

January 24, 2017

I did say thank you for the beer as we parted our ways. And I did send a text last night asking about his evening. He wasnt interested in continuing conversation or textkng me this morning.

I think he either didnt feel any chemistry or lost interest when we met in person. The date was 2 hours long but not sure it means anything.

You can keep making excuses or you can look at the results and change your tactics. Every single one of us has pointed out that what YOU did seemed to show a lack of interest ON THE DATE and AFTERWARD. By the time you texted him it may have been too little, too late. I'd even go so far as to say that you sound uninterested and lack of passion even in your post here with us. Relationships are give/take. You want to be putting your BEST in and showing your interest and personality to get somewhere. That doesn't mean doormat. That means confident, engaged and interesting and interested. Not to mention grateful and gracious. Sometimes it won't work no matter what you do--because a guy just may not feel chemistry. What IS GUARANTEED, however, is that when you act uninterested, he will not be interested (unless he is a doormat, etc). It's up to both of you to create and sustain chemistry on the date and in between. Your responses and actions sound really lackluster.

Also I don't know why you have jumped to the conclusion that it's over. Maybe he's over it or maybe he's not much for texting especially when it's feeling like a downer or something better done in person or on phone. Anyway, see what he does next. And change your attitude for next time and/or next guy. Good luck

January 24, 2017

Can someone explain to me why so many women seem to be more concerned with if a guy is interested than if she's actually interested and showing it herself?

That's not a rhetorical question. How can one knowingly show disinterest only to expect an encounter to go a direction other than one that results in disinterest?

Seems like you either like him more than you're leading on or you don't like him at all but still want to be courted for validation

Edited January 24, 2017 by Pill

January 24, 2017

Can someone explain to me why so many women seem to be more concerned with if a guy is interested than if she's actually interested and showing it herself?

That's not a rhetorical question. How can one knowingly show disinterest only to expect an encounter to go a direction other than one that results in disinterest?

Seems like you either like him more than you're leading on or you don't like him at all but still want to be courted for validation

I think our OP doesn't realize that she showed disinterested. She seems like she doesn't get the concept yet. But if she does or to answer your question for other people (of both sexes!), i think the answer is insecurity

January 24, 2017

I think our OP doesn't realize that she showed disinterested. She seems like she doesn't get the concept yet. But if she does or to answer your question for other people (of both sexes!), i think the answer is insecurity

I think it is my defense mechanism. Somewhere in the back of mind I assumed that he is too good for me and he won't be interested anyway. And, I think I treated a date more like meeting a friend (I was really relaxed, probably because we talked a lot prior to meeting).

How likely is it that he just didnt like me? And decided not to pursue it further.

January 24, 2017

I think our OP doesn't realize that she showed disinterested. She seems like she doesn't get the concept yet. But if she does or to answer your question for other people (of both sexes!), i think the answer is insecurity

If someone can pick up on other people's disinterest it would take some remedial emotional intelligence to not realize when you're doing the same.

I'm not even trying to be difficult, I'm just curious as to why women seem to disregard their own conduct but then go on to question the man's interest. If you can draw assumptions based off his actions what's preventing you from realizing he's going to do the same? Does the entitlement behind courting lead you to believe he'll chase regardless? I think it's very fair to say this primarily shown with women more than men.

Edited January 24, 2017 by Pill

January 24, 2017

If someone can pick up on other people's disinterest it would take some remedial emotional intelligence to not realize when you're doing the same.

I'm not even trying to be difficult, I'm just curious as to why women seem to disregard their own conduct but then go on to question the man's interest. I think it's very fair to say this primarily shown with women more than men.

Pil, I am interested in this guy. Ok, I will admit I didnt feel crazy chemistry and wasnt nervous. But, I think he is smart, cute, normal (unlike 80 percent of people I met on OLD) and successful. Also, I told him almost everything important abput myself and he understands and accepts it (like my busy schedule and future goals).

So, maybe there was no much chemistry, but seriously, this guy is probably the best guy I have met on OLD, if not in my entire life.

But I believe that one date is not enough to determine chemistry and the level of interest. Of course if I didnt feel anything after few dates, I would stop seeing him. Bug I really wanted to see how things would develop between us.

January 24, 2017

So, maybe there was no much chemistry, but seriously, this guy is probably the best guy I have met on OLD, if not in my entire life.
But I believe that one date is not enough to determine chemistry and the level of interest. Of course if I didnt feel anything after few dates, I would stop seeing him. Bug I really wanted to see how things would develop between us.

I'm not trying to call you out I'm honestly just curious about this way of thinking. I see it so often,especially on the forum. I'm a logical person so I can help but analyze correlations so I'm just interested in how someone could come to this result. Your lack of effort to establish chemistry doesn't correlate to the way you see him it seems.

One date is most definitely long enough to establish chemistry we know that. Don't you feel theoretically you should display the nonverbal communication to make him interested and let him know you're just as interested? That way you wouldn't have to wonder if he's interested?

January 24, 2017

I'm not trying to call you out I'm honestly just curious about this way of thinking. I see it so often,especially on the forum. I'm a logical person so I can help but analyze correlations so I'm just interested in how someone could come to this result. Your lack of effort to establish chemistry doesn't correlate to the way you see him it seems.

One date is most definitely long enough to establish chemistry we know that. Don't you feel theoretically you should display the nonverbal communication to make him interested and let him know you're just as interested? That way you wouldn't have to wonder if he's interested?

I guess I should have. It was a combination of me being tired, stressed, insecure and afraid of rejection or getting hurt. Also, the fact that we talked for almost a month before we met and I told him so many details about my life made it look more like a friends meeting.

January 24, 2017

If someone can pick up on other people's disinterest it would take some remedial emotional intelligence to not realize when you're doing the same.

I'm not even trying to be difficult, I'm just curious as to why women seem to disregard their own conduct but then go on to question the man's interest. If you can draw assumptions based off his actions what's preventing you from realizing he's going to do the same? Does the entitlement behind courting lead you to believe he'll chase regardless? I think it's very fair to say this primarily shown with women more than men.

Well, I think people get stuck in their own heads, too concerned about themselves or hung up from past stuff.

I'm not trying to be difficult either---since my point was exactly that she should have displayed more interest, which I absolutely don't see as a man/woman argument--just analyzing what details she has given us. I have seen both sexes do things like this--probably for a variety of reasons.

Bolded=absolutely agree and this is why OP should show HER best to encourage his best...or at least feel like she gave it a fair shot. I don't know that OP was acting entitled, maybe yes, maybe no. Her date might have thought maybe yes, maybe no. The way she thanked him for the beer and the date seemed a little lackluster and she didn't thank him again by text--which i think is smart to do afterward because it's outside of the moment and the person will see you as gracious and truly grateful rather than doing a rote "thanks for the beer".

The way most dating just goes traditionally in that the guy asks the girl and she responds, sets up a chasing dynamic. That's just history. And experience has taught lots of girls, especially smart ones that works with a lot of the desirable guys. A mistake would be though to just turn up on the date and worry that you look pretty enough. Usually if you are there, you are attractive enough to the guy (online deceptive photos notwithstanding). Chemistry has to be tested and effort has to has to be emotionally & mentally attractive to the person, which goes both ways.

I wouldn't blame women however for a dynamic & tradition that has been set up long ago and will probably continue for quite a long time more. I don't think either person should act entitled. Guys don't like ungrateful girls or ones that seem to take their generosity for granted. And girls tend to like guys that court them without a chip on their shoulder about taking them out or having to play the game. I guess if you don't want to play it don't. There are some girls that don't mind non-traditional dating--seek them out. In the meantime, traditional daters and non-traditional, neither "should" act entitled. And I guess if some girl does it to you, see it as a red flag and don't continue dating her--be glad it only took you one date to see that unattractive quality. There are plenty of girls who date traditionally AND are grateful and put effort in as well.

January 24, 2017

I think it is my defense mechanism. Somewhere in the back of mind I assumed that he is too good for me and he won't be interested anyway. And, I think I treated a date more like meeting a friend (I was really relaxed, probably because we talked a lot prior to meeting).

How likely is it that he just didnt like me? And decided not to pursue it further.

See? That's insecurity, just like I guessed, PLL. So Gracie, yeah whatever date you go to in the future ALWAYS bring your confidence. That will give you more options than not. Lower your expectations (which it sounds like maybe you did because you were comfortable, treated him like a friend). But I wouldn't agree that treating him like a friend was the right thing to do. You should remember you're on a date. Try to flirt in your way.

I also think treating him like a friend, could have been a turn off to him. It might have seemed lackluster again. Too comfortable--not enough good tension, good anxiousness. I know you might have dialed it down to keep yourself calm but that can backfire on you. Try to find a happy medium. Also don't talk so much before meeting in person--that takes the momentum out of things or builds one or both people up so much with expectations that aren't based in realty. Try to get momentum and keep it going by meeting up right away. If you can't meet up right away logistically, than don't talk so much beforehand.

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