Love, boundaries, respect and jealousy

[marinero]

called off our relationship a few days ago. I am here because I am confused as to whether I am crazy.

I met my gf almost 4 months ago. She started off telling me how her relationships never work out and guys get jealous and she always is the one to breakup. She is very good looking and charming when she wants to be so it wasnt hard to believe.

 

So I was skeptical but I really liked her. Well after several weeks, she seemed really happy, saying she hasn't felt this motivated about a guy in a really long time and has been settling or being single. So again I'm skeptical. But I roll with it.

 

Everything is going well. We would see each other every weekend, and she would call and text, showing interest and caring.

Well at 2 months she starts up about having very strong feelings and being scared of them. She is insecure about whether I'm just interested in sex. I say no that I have feelings similar to hers. At 3 months she tells me to let her know when I fall in love with her. Then a week later she tells me she wants to tell me she loves me sometimes. I say I feel the same way.

I start thinking she is wanting a commitment so she can feel safe about having feelings. So I bring it up. She gets upset and thinks I'm trying to pressure her into a relationship. She says she already told me she is not looking for anyone else so me trying to hold her down to a definition of our relationship with a boundary discussion showed lack of trust.

I say ok not how I intended it to be. She asks what I want and then just let's say we are exclusive if that's what you need to hear. Then the rest of tge dsy is good but she gets really weird that night. It ended with her snapping at me over simple conversation. She apologized and I just fell asleep.

 

The next day she is acting very depressed. I start feeling like she is not ready for a relationship. So I say that maybe we should just step back a bit. She says ok and we will try to build it up again.

 

Then she texts next morning that she will make a better effort to call me. I had mentioned she seemed more distant lately. And I said I don't like text conversations. Well she tried a little but then one day she completely ignored me. And I am not a clingy type. I made sure not to text call more than she did. So I get fed up with the wishy washy attitude and end it. I told her I loved her but she does not seem ready. She said she understands and got mad saying I didn't respect her need to get to know someone before investing strong feelings and 3 months doesn't cover it. I then start saying that she didn't give me a timeline and she mentioned love and feelings first and told me to let her know when I loved her. She says I twisted things and took them out of context and I was freaking out and messed up, that she thought I had it all and sad that it only took 3 months to see my true colors so take care. I was fed up at this point and it was obvious through my text since I said I was angry about the lack of respect and unclear communication. She said to listen to her next girlfriend.

 

There is more about things she did that I thought were weird that fed into my decision. Such as how she thought it was ok to fly out of state for one week alone to visit an ex boyfriend who is occasionally her best friend but is too emotionally damaged to have a relationship. I'm ok with opposite sex friends but this was just really pushing it for me. She did that to her last boyfriend, not me.

 

Anyways. Did I do something wrong here? Did I really misinterpret things? I feel like she is not clearly analyzing her own behavior and words.

[Satu]

snip

*Did I do something wrong here? **Did I really misinterpret things? ***I feel like she is not clearly analysing her own behaviour and words.

 

*I don't think you've done anything much wrong.

 

**I don't think so.

 

***It sounds like she's projecting her issues onto you, rather than working on them herself.

 

She sounds like she's not a very self-aware person.

 

I think you did right by ending it.

 

 

Take care.

[preraph]

It sounds to me like she is not ready to commit. Not sure if that's in general, but i suspect so. She sounds unsure of her feelings in general.

[marinero]

I was in a seemingly healthy relationship with someone recently. What tore it apart was my issues with what she thought was acceptable behavior with exes and opposite sex friends. There were some communication problems too, apparently.

I am wondering what your opinions are

 

She thought these were acceptable

1) flying out of state, alone, for a week, to visit an ex because he was occasionally her best friend

2) spend a 3 day weekend skiing and staying at a lodge, alone, with a prior friends with benefits, as long as she slept in a different room.

3) spend a whole week with an older guy friend, alone, going fishing, snowboarding, long car trips for various things, go to a dance and sit on his lap. And this guy would give her kisses on the mouth or cheek, but it is like "gramma kisses", he pays for everything, etc.

 

She did number 3 on Christmas. Planned to do number 2 while with me. And did number 1 with her her recent ex before me.

 

I tried to figure out her reasoning behind this by calmly talking to her about it, and she stubbornly said she will not be controlled.

 

She was married to someone who she says was very possessive and she left him for another person. Then he killed himself in front of her. He has been dead for 10 years. And when I first met her she talked about him non-stop for weeks. Then just stopped one day.

 

So I was trying to be understanding and trusting of her. Maybe she needed to know I wouldn't be that way. But I thought those things I listed above were just btoo much. Overnight trips alone with exes, the time and financial commitment involved with it.

 

I could not figure out way to reason with her and didn't want to fight about it. It's like she used this story of her husband to blackmail men into having unhealthy boundaries. Or She was like that with her husband which would explain the suicide. I did find out she was taking medication for anxiety and tremors, which she said eas for PTSD from her husband's suicide and the marraige in general. So I just ended it.

 

Do you think I was being unreasonable about these boundary issues, especially given her history? I mean I tried but couldn't wrap my head around it. Just seemed risky, and that I would be a doormat.

Edited January 23, 2017 by marinero

[VeveCakes]

this is beyond boundaries...this is a woman who is dating several men and you and lying about what is happening. All these overnight trips? She is definitely sleeping with them or knows they want to sleep with her.

 

You did the right thing. Shes a cheater, liar, manipulator...

[Gaeta]

People's history or stories do not matter, if what they do isn't aligned with your core values then you don't date them.

 

If I met a man that thought going away on weekends with exs is ok because he had some type of trauma in his past I would not put up with it, I'd give him his freedom to go sky all he wants with who he wants but he wouldn't be my problem any longer.

[marinero]

Lol this is how i was thinking. I was irritated with the accusations of jealousy. I could not figure out if she thought this was ok or of it is her way of being a relationship sabatoger.

[Gaeta]

Lol this is how i was thinking. I was irritated with the accusations of jealousy. I could not figure out if she thought this was ok or of it is her way of being a relationship sabatoger.

 

She is far from being relationship and commitment material. With what happened to her she may never be. Like I said don't let this be your problem anymore. Plenty of women out there who do want to be in a committed relationship and understand what it means.

[Larryville]

Like I said don't let this be your problem anymore. Plenty of women out there who do want to be in a committed relationship and understand what it means.

 

Is this woman like seriously hot or something?

 

Do you think I was being unreasonable about these boundary issues, especially given her history? I mean I tried but couldn't wrap my head around it. Just seemed risky, and that I would be a doormat.

 

No you were not being unreasonable..

 

relationship sabatoger…

 

My guess……… walk away, life is too damn short to deal with people like this

[LivingDeadGrl]

You did the right thing in ending it. Regardless of what she has been through it's not an excuse for her behaviour. Move on and find someone more suitable

[CaliforniaGirl]

Come on, you already know those things would bother at least a percentage of people and that being taken aback by them don't exactly denote an unbelievably overblown, overly-jealous response from out of nowhere.

 

The bottom line, of course, is that you felt uncomfortable with it, there was not going to be a resolution, so this was a bad match one way or another (no matter what anyone else had/has to say about it/how other people may judge your decision here)...so you know it was time to move on. And that's it.

[marinero]

Is this woman like seriously hot or something?

 

 

 

No you were not being unreasonable..

 

 

 

My guess……… walk away, life is too damn short to deal with people like this

 

Yep she was hot. I can handle the attention hot women get. But trips with men who want to sleep with you or whom you've slept with already is just ridiculous. It's not even about whether they're going to cheat. It's just a respect thing.

[marinero]

She is far from being relationship and commitment material. With what happened to her she may never be. Like I said don't let this be your problem anymore. Plenty of women out there who do want to be in a committed relationship and understand what it means.

 

The problem I mentioned here was not something I argued about with her. The reason I called it off, what iwe actually argued about, was because I attempted to define our relationship as a way to show her I was taking her serious. She asked several times if I was invested enough to consider the long term. She said she felt like telling me she loves me but is scared of feelings. Then she said to let her know when I love her.

 

So then 2 weeks later when I tired to define the relationship, she says I'm pressuring her into something after she already made it clear she was not interested in anyone else. She got weird after this. So I called it off when she ignored me a whole day. Then she says I didn't listen to her about neefing time to know if I she should invest feelings in me. But she had feelings for me. She also said she assumed we were already bf/gf, but me asking about was going too fast?? . Makes no sense.

I am not sure what happened. I just had enough.

[smackie9]

makes no sense because she is gaslighting/manipulating you or at least trying to in hopes you would just put up with it. Just one of those that thinks just because she's hot she can get away with it.

[marinero]

makes no sense because she is gaslighting/manipulating you or at least trying to in hopes you would just put up with it. Just one of those that thinks just because she's hot she can get away with it.

 

Ya I said that to her in harsher words. "I don't appreciate the mind ****, not a pushover, know my own value".

 

This was of course me freaking out and showing true colors. Lol. I do still wonder if she is just bad at analyzing her own behavior. She seemed pretty genuine, just not willing to let go of male attention. She was very reclusive. Seemed hurt I was hinting at things not working out. Then promised she would make more effort again. I missed a call one night so I think she ignored me the next day. I just had enough of the bs

[mystificatecg]

You did nothing wrong, she may have been cheating or using you as a rebound, but who cares. Ghost her and just move on. She's not worth it.

[dumbass2]

"She started off telling me how her relationships never work out and guys get jealous and she always is the one to breakup. She is very good looking and charming when she wants to be so it wasnt hard to believe."

 

That's a huge red flag to tell someone if your looking to get into a relationship with them. She's done and out and you did nothing wrong except missing this red flag. Also, the good looking and pretty much using that and her charm to win guys over then make them feel insecure by the crap she does and then blames them and leaves. She is not relationship material AT ALL. You did nothing wrong. She is the one with issues and you can't nor should you want to try and change her.

Edited January 24, 2017 by dumbass2

[bubbaganoosh]

You did the best thing possible and let her go. She's got too many issues going on and it was winding up in your lap. You did the right thing.

[LostOnes05]

You did the right thing. She sounds like the type to give you blatant signs of interest in a relationship (saying they love you, etc.) and when you reciprocate they kick the chair from under you...and you know the rest. I had a similar experience, best to let them go. And if I know anything about this type of person, they don't like to be ignored. They'll resurface several times just to drop breadcrumbs. Let her feed them to the birds and not to you.

 

You'll be fine though. Some people have no concept of what the word love actually (haha...love actually) is supposed to stand for. They say it openly and freely to anyone they are with and when it comes down to the commitment part....Things Fall Apart (Chinua Achebe style...sorry I had to).

 

Also, ( and I learned this the hard way too) If someone says that their relationships never work out and the guys are ALWAYS jealous/controlling/etc. and she breaks up with them...guess what? She's the one doing something that isn't kosher.

[marinero]

You did the right thing. She sounds like the type to give you blatant signs of interest in a relationship (saying they love you, etc.) and when you reciprocate they kick the chair from under you...and you know the rest. I had a similar experience, best to let them go. And if I know anything about this type of person, they don't like to be ignored. They'll resurface several times just to drop breadcrumbs. Let her feed them to the birds and not to you.

 

You'll be fine though. Some people have no concept of what the word love actually (haha...love actually) is supposed to stand for. They say it openly and freely to anyone they are with and when it comes down to the commitment part....Things Fall Apart (Chinua Achebe style...sorry I had to).

 

Also, ( and I learned this the hard way too) If someone says that their relationships never work out and the guys are ALWAYS jealous/controlling/etc. and she breaks up with them...guess what? She's the one doing something that isn't kosher.

 

 

I saw the signs. It's why I was very cautious. But it started going well. I was surprised, thought maybe there are exceptions. But what quickly put this all into a tailspin was her older guy friend. We're late 30s, and he's mid 50s I think. She swears she has never done anything with him and that he's a friend of the family. I just thought whatever. And she had hung out with him a lot when we first met. I didn't care.

 

But before Christmas vacation, I saw her texting him and she sent him 3 hearts in a row. I didn't think too much of it. Some people are just really close with their friend. But on Christmass vacation she spent almost the whole week with this guy, driving around and going on a snowboarding trip and then sleeping at his house. I was actually not too bothered by it until about the 5th day when it just seemed to be getting weird. It was a weird text explaining why she went with him to drop off his nephew 150 miles away -- she needed a haircut so just hitched a ride, and her hairdresser had moved there and she's really picky about who cuts her hair, and the hairdresser let her cut 3 places in line. Really? 150 miles away? What a coincidence. And what hairdresser just lets a friend cut in front of their customers? Maybe they do, I don't know. And the night before she didn't text me after 3 in the afternoon. So that was weird to me. She said they got home early and fell asleep on the couch.

 

So here's where I set it into a tailspin. I just straight up asked her through text (because she didn't answer my call) "Do you have feelings for John?"

 

She replies "No why are you jealous? I said he is my friend. If you are asking again it is because you are jealous and we need to talk". Then she sends me these novel long texts about how I was the only person she was interested in and to please not be upset. And this is what pissed me off about her. She would always text. Text, text, text...text. I mean pick up the phone and call me about this stuff, right? Why spend minutes writing this crap when you can call and talk to me?

 

Anyways, I did not ask before this, about her friend. I just listened to her. And what got me thinking was that when we first met, she said her other "friend" used to make her ex boyfriend jealous so it led to their breakup. But later after we starting having sex, she started telling more about this other "friend" and she basically said he was an ex and was afraid to tell me because guys get jealous and intimidated.

 

So I'm thinking now that she could be lying about this friend on Christmas vacation. And I just tell her all this. I wasn't fighting. I just said well ok I don't like the jealous accusation. But have a good time at the New Years eve party tonight.

 

 

This was a real turn off to her. Or she felt that she was losing my trust because she knows I was on to her game and she felt guilty. I don't know.

 

But when she returned home, she was much more quiet. I wasn't sure if she felt guilty about cheating to some extent, or if she just thought I was insecure and irrationally jealous. And she told me she was annoyed about what happened. The rest I already told here.

Edited January 24, 2017 by marinero

[marinero]

Also, ( and I learned this the hard way too) If someone says that their relationships never work out and the guys are ALWAYS jealous/controlling/etc. and she breaks up with them...guess what? She's the one doing something that isn't kosher.

 

Her husband killed himself because she left him for another man. Why did she leave him? Well, according to her, because he was jealous and didn't trust her.

 

I was a real prick when I dumped her. I told her I had recently started talking to someone else and realized that I was starting to feel neglected (not really, just a female friend, actually for advice about my gf, eventually told her the truth but she still probably wants to think I cheated).

 

She told me that I cheated which means I'm insecure. So I blasted back "that's your game, to make men jealous and then call them insecure when they speak up. It's why your husband killed himself. And that's the guilt you have to live with. "

 

So I don't think I have to worry about her coming back and giving me breadcrumbs. I like it to be over for good. I know this was a prick move, especially since I had been very supportive of her having to deal with that issue. It really messed her up apparently. She had PTSD from it, happened right in front of her. But still, I see how she is and wonder how she hasn't learned her lesson.

[Been]

She is the type of woman that always has another guy lined up on the side-she can't be by herself and you can't trust her-she's all about herself. One minute you'll be the greatest man the next minute you suck.