SillieBillie Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 So I'm not sure if I am being the cray one or being overly sensitive in this situation so I came here to get other people's opinions and an outside perspective. I have been living with my boyfriend for about 10 months now, and I will start off by saying that I am very introverted, I need my headspace so I can pursue activities in solitude- but I do enjoy the company of other people. I don't feel like my boyfriend gives me very much space... Both physically and mentally. He will interrupt me multiple times while I am reading or studying for no other reason than to get attention, and even though its clear I need to concentrate he will get offended if I respond negatively after a while of being interrupted numerous times. I've noticed that when I have essays to work on (and especially as the due date gets closer) he makes us both busy. Last essay, we went to the shops to get groceries, but then he drove around the city looking at different stores and trying to find every possible thing he could do before going home. I got very upset over this, because he had not let me have enough space in the previous week to work on my essay and now had physically removed me from study- on hindsight I know not to go anywhere with him next time I have an assignment due at least. In the beginning of the relationship he made me afraid of disappointing his parents. He said that they would be upset if I didn't go to dinner every Sunday, and that really stressed me out and it has been super awkward for me to go there for dinner ever since because he made me think it was this really scary situation, and now I feel like his mother is actually judging me for real- so maybe he wasn't exaggerating? But he says that he was being dramatic now that I have expressed over and over that it stresses me out, but he still makes it sound like I am expected to attend (which I don't think it fair). My own family is very relaxed when it comes to these kinds of formalities and his family seems rather uptight and they never really discuss anything in depth with each other- its all very small-talk-ish and it feels rather uncomfortable. I feel like they all judge each other and that kind of scrutiny makes me feel paranoid. The other thing is that he gets super upset when I don't want to spend time with his social group (which is very large) and even calls me rude for not talking much but I am just very introverted! I probably just don't fit well with these people and he is very hard on me for it. His friends all get upset with him and each other if they don't catch up all the time and have even threatened him if he doesn't go to an event... by threaten I mean, they make it sound like he won't be in with them anymore and I think that is super immature. He got pretty angry at the guy who did it and went to the next gathering regardless and made me feel bad about not being gregarious enough afterward. I dunno, I just feel like he doesn't understand that I have my own thing that I do... He's had a go at me and shamed me for not having friends previously, and I think he thinks there is something wrong with me because I am a homebody. 3
ElizabethIII Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 Dump him and move out. Seriously. There is no fixing that. He doesnt respect you or your school work. He wants it all his own way right now. You'd be better off alone. 7
ExpatInItaly Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 It doesn't sound like you are very compatible. I don't think there is much of a future here, because there appears to be little compromise. 4
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 (edited) Expat beat me to it. Not compatible. He certainly doesn't respect you nor your needed space and studies. Edited January 23, 2017 by simpleNfit 1
elaine567 Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 He has expectations of how a relationship should be and they do not meet with your expectations of how a relationship should be. He is the social type who needs people around and to be out and about, to feel good about himself, and you are a home body with a loner streak. You don't sound very compatible 1
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 You moved in together, you gave it a try, now you see it's not gonna work you are too different. How long did you date before moving in together? how old are you 2? If dating was perfect than go back to living apart till he matures some more. 1
GoreSP Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is just frustrated with your introvert ways and not expressing it in the best way... How often do you willingly go out with him and his friends/go see his parents/do activities he wants to do that don't involve staying in? As much as he needs to respect your need to be left alone at times, you need to respect his need to be with people he loves. If there is no way for you to get out of your shell and do stuff with him, then you might want to find yourself an more introvert partner or stay single. If you want the relationship to continue, I suggest you sit down with him and have a conversation about it if you want to relationship to continue. If needed make a schedule of times you need to be left alone and times you will be joining him for various activities. I'm an introvert too and I find knowing the next time I'll get time to myself helps me get through the Friday night shows my boyfriend likes to go to (he's more of an extrovert) 1
Author SillieBillie Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is just frustrated with your introvert ways and not expressing it in the best way... How often do you willingly go out with him and his friends/go see his parents/do activities he wants to do that don't involve staying in? As much as he needs to respect your need to be left alone at times, you need to respect his need to be with people he loves. If there is no way for you to get out of your shell and do stuff with him, then you might want to find yourself an more introvert partner or stay single. If you want the relationship to continue, I suggest you sit down with him and have a conversation about it if you want to relationship to continue. If needed make a schedule of times you need to be left alone and times you will be joining him for various activities. I'm an introvert too and I find knowing the next time I'll get time to myself helps me get through the Friday night shows my boyfriend likes to go to (he's more of an extrovert) In the beginning I was okay with going to his parent's house and going to his social events, and I tried hard to not be upset by it all. But he always spoke over the top of me in front of EVERYONE. If someone asked me a question he'd jump in and answer it... even at dinner with his family. So now they all think I just don't talk much and its really hard for me to try and start conversation because I almost feel like I'm not supposed to. So I have expressed to him that I feel disrespected and I've stopped going to his stuff all the time... He was already talking to me like I never made an effort so nothing has changed between us except that I don't have to be in these high stress situations as much. I feel bad about not going anywhere with him much anymore, but last time I forced myself to go to dinner with his family when I didn't want to I broke down and had a panic attack because he had told me how rude I was the night before when we went to dinner with his friends (12 of them, and 2 of them bothered to even listen to me when I tried to join the conversation, one of his friends was literally pretending I wasn't responding at all and looked away whenever I tried to ask him a question). Its not that I have never made an effort- I spent so much time going out to see his friends and family that I barely had time to myself. And that was because he would get upset if I spent time to myself- even study. Recently I have been putting my foot down and staying at home because I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if I don't. He has brought up his ex a few times and made a point of saying his friends and family didn't like her- he said she had no friends and hated it when he went to see his friends, said she was rude to his parents, basically made her sound like a rude person that nobody liked... But then the problems he finds with me (even when I did socialise all the time) were the same, and recently now that I've started to stop going as much he has said that his ex wasn't as rude as me. I do love this person, but I feel like he some some kind of issue in this area and nothing I do will make him happy. It's actually easier for me to lay of the socialising because I get berated either way. Also, if he was this disrespectful about other areas of my life I would dump him, but socialising isn't something that is an issue for me- like, if he thinks I'm a loser that's his own issue not mine... But at the same time I don't want him to feel like I am not trying. 1
normal person Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 He will interrupt me multiple times while I am reading or studying for no other reason than to get attention, A grown man who interrupts you studying because he needs "attention?" Jesus. y. Last essay, we went to the shops to get groceries, but then he drove around the city looking at different stores and trying to find every possible thing he could do before going home. I got very upset over this, because he had not let me have enough space in the previous week to work on my essay and now had physically removed me from study- on hindsight I know not to go anywhere with him next time I have an assignment due at least. A mature adult would not make you forego things that will benefit you and your life (like your schoolwork) just to keep him company. That's something a selfish, immature person does. I would break up with this guy so fast if I were you. Best of luck.
purrrfectlyflawed Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Your introvert anti social ways can be frustrating I am sure. If you don't want to socialize with anyone then why even date someone who is not a loner or introvert? You 2 are not compatible at all. I am surprised you have lasted this long.
elaine567 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 In the beginning I was okay with going to his parent's house and going to his social events, and I tried hard to not be upset by it all. But he always spoke over the top of me in front of EVERYONE. If someone asked me a question he'd jump in and answer it... even at dinner with his family. So now they all think I just don't talk much and its really hard for me to try and start conversation because I almost feel like I'm not supposed to... I do love this person, but I feel like he some some kind of issue in this area and nothing I do will make him happy. It's actually easier for me to lay of the socialising because I get berated either way.. This is troubling and along with the comparison of you to his ex in which you now come off poorly, I guess this relationship is on its way out. He is attacking your self esteem and chipping away at your confidence. He has essentially "forced" you into not socialising by his actions. Yes, as an introvert you may say you like staying at home but he has almost given you no other option. He and his friends have driven you out. This is not a healthy dynamic. Relationships are meant to be easy, comfortable and fun, there is nothing easy, comfortable and fun about this, and as for him ruining your study time... He sounds exactly the type of man you do not need in your life, he is bringing you down. YOUR life partner should add value to your life, support you and be a positive influence, I see none of that here. Life is short, do not waste time. (btw people who keep talking about their exes (even in a negative way) have not got them out of their system, and that is very bad news for you. Proceed cautiously)
GoreSP Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 In the beginning I was okay with going to his parent's house and going to his social events, and I tried hard to not be upset by it all. But he always spoke over the top of me in front of EVERYONE. If someone asked me a question he'd jump in and answer it... even at dinner with his family. So now they all think I just don't talk much and its really hard for me to try and start conversation because I almost feel like I'm not supposed to. So I have expressed to him that I feel disrespected and I've stopped going to his stuff all the time... He was already talking to me like I never made an effort so nothing has changed between us except that I don't have to be in these high stress situations as much. I feel bad about not going anywhere with him much anymore, but last time I forced myself to go to dinner with his family when I didn't want to I broke down and had a panic attack because he had told me how rude I was the night before when we went to dinner with his friends (12 of them, and 2 of them bothered to even listen to me when I tried to join the conversation, one of his friends was literally pretending I wasn't responding at all and looked away whenever I tried to ask him a question). Its not that I have never made an effort- I spent so much time going out to see his friends and family that I barely had time to myself. And that was because he would get upset if I spent time to myself- even study. Recently I have been putting my foot down and staying at home because I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if I don't. He has brought up his ex a few times and made a point of saying his friends and family didn't like her- he said she had no friends and hated it when he went to see his friends, said she was rude to his parents, basically made her sound like a rude person that nobody liked... But then the problems he finds with me (even when I did socialise all the time) were the same, and recently now that I've started to stop going as much he has said that his ex wasn't as rude as me. I do love this person, but I feel like he some some kind of issue in this area and nothing I do will make him happy. It's actually easier for me to lay of the socialising because I get berated either way. Also, if he was this disrespectful about other areas of my life I would dump him, but socialising isn't something that is an issue for me- like, if he thinks I'm a loser that's his own issue not mine... But at the same time I don't want him to feel like I am not trying. Why are you staying with this guy if he makes you feel so bad about yourself? If he thinks you're a loser, it is not his issue; it is also yours because you are in an unhealthy relationship. He doesn't get to guilt trip you into becoming more social if it makes you uncomfortable. Also, if social situations give you panic attacks and make you so nervous, you could be dealing with social anxiety on top of being introverted and this is something you might want to seek counselling for. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 In general extroverts and introverts can make a great combination in a couple, but it does require some flexibility and growth on the part of both people. But I agree with the rest, that he sounds like a jerk in this case... just move on... you are better than this! 2
kendahke Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 I have expressed over and over that it stresses me out, but he still How much longer are you going to keep slamming your head against the wall and not equate your headache with the growing red stain on said wall? If you have to use the word "still" to qualify an action, then you're allowing him to continue to negate you by remaining with him. He's not going to stop. In fact, most likely, he will continue to double down on his behavior because it's how he controls you. I would never allow anyone to have this critical an impact on my education/work. I don't care how cute he is, what family he belongs to, how many other chicks are chasing him. He'd have to go. No one is that special to allow them to ruin your mental well being. No. One. 3
niji Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 If someone does any one of these things: - Interrupts my activities for attention - Makes me attend social activities I don't like, then - Talks over me as I'm attending the things I'm already detesting - Keeps mentioning his ex and comparing me with her Then it's already grounds for a break up. It screams incompatibility plus childish and immaturity. I'm an introvert and while I don't have panic attacks and pretend to enjoy socializing pretty well (people are always shocked to know how much of a loner I am once they know me), I always feel mildly anxious before a large gathering or social functions. Small talk is not my thing, I despise and detest them and would much rather spend time in my room alone than to socialize with strangers. So I am with you. Now that's done, let me ask you, what do you like about this guy? He doesn't respect you, doesn't give you space, and is annoying. How is being with him better than being single? 2
Author SillieBillie Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 If someone does any one of these things: - Interrupts my activities for attention - Makes me attend social activities I don't like, then - Talks over me as I'm attending the things I'm already detesting - Keeps mentioning his ex and comparing me with her Then it's already grounds for a break up. It screams incompatibility plus childish and immaturity. I'm an introvert and while I don't have panic attacks and pretend to enjoy socializing pretty well (people are always shocked to know how much of a loner I am once they know me), I always feel mildly anxious before a large gathering or social functions. Small talk is not my thing, I despise and detest them and would much rather spend time in my room alone than to socialize with strangers. So I am with you. Now that's done, let me ask you, what do you like about this guy? He doesn't respect you, doesn't give you space, and is annoying. How is being with him better than being single? Well, at this point I am stuck in a situation where I am studying and not able to work a job to supplement rent- the place I was living at previously was exceptionally cheap and I gave it up because he wanted me to move in. So now I am in this stupid situation that I could have avoided really- I don't have many options anymore. I have been thinking that I can just finish my degree and get a job and then look at moving out but that is like 3-4 years away. In the mean time maybe just ignore him, I don't know. I know that sounds selfish but I don't know if I have any other option- besides emergency housing, which I have lived in before and the standards are terrible and I will never end up in that situation again if I can avoid it. On hindsight, I think he was relying on the fact that I am a student... His ex left him as soon as she finished uni from what I know. And he has bluffed the threats of kicking me out during arguments quite a few times, I guess to see if I will leave on my own... So he knows I can't just go whenever I want. I liked the relationship before he started actually berating me. I actually did like him, but I don't have any amorous feelings toward him anymore. No butterflies, or excitement to see him in the evenings... Couldn't care less if he has to work late or anything. He put down the mask real quickly I suppose.
Author SillieBillie Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 This is troubling and along with the comparison of you to his ex in which you now come off poorly, I guess this relationship is on its way out. He is attacking your self esteem and chipping away at your confidence. He has essentially "forced" you into not socialising by his actions. Yes, as an introvert you may say you like staying at home but he has almost given you no other option. He and his friends have driven you out. This is not a healthy dynamic. Relationships are meant to be easy, comfortable and fun, there is nothing easy, comfortable and fun about this, and as for him ruining your study time... He sounds exactly the type of man you do not need in your life, he is bringing you down. YOUR life partner should add value to your life, support you and be a positive influence, I see none of that here. Life is short, do not waste time. (btw people who keep talking about their exes (even in a negative way) have not got them out of their system, and that is very bad news for you. Proceed cautiously) I feel like they've driven me out as well... Because he has been pretty harsh about the whole friends thing. And to be honest, that's all he really has going for him. He has no hobbies or interests outside of that. He makes a point about telling me I should make an effort to make friends and then when he is angry that turns into making me feel bad about not having a large group of friends. And regardless of how his friends treat me I am always to blame. His so called 'best friend' (one of many who barely even talk to each other) keeps trying to get him to go out of town and spend a few days away- and he has even gotten his girlfriend to try and make him feel bad about not doing it. I have told him I am not that comfortable with it, and I am sure his friend knows this. The reason I'm not okay with it is because if I were to go away without him for a few days he would flip his lid... And the second reason is because this guy has gotten his girlfriend to basically call him a bad friend for not taking time off work to go see this guy. And I am the bad guy for pointing out how unfair the whole situation is! So I really just give up to be honest, I don't like his friends and how immature they are. Of course, they're not all like that, but the ones he spends the most time with are. I actually like some of his friends, but the sensible ones with respect he chooses not to catch up with.
elaine567 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 I liked the relationship before he started actually berating me. I actually did like him, but I don't have any amorous feelings toward him anymore. No butterflies, or excitement to see him in the evenings... Couldn't care less if he has to work late or anything. He put down the mask real quickly I suppose. Ok so what are you going to do about it? What do you plan to do?
LoveFiend Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 He should be happy to be with you and should be putting you on a pedestal everyday telling you how your the most wonderful woman in his life. He should be lifting you up not dragging you down. If he is constantly complaining all the time you should dump him and tell him to go find a girl who is good enough for him. If he can't appreciate you and accept who you are and constantly brings you down that is a toxic relationship that you don't deserve to be in. Dump him and find a man who will treat you right.
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