palmsand Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I haven't read the whole thread, not sure what has happened the last few days. But wanted to say this. Definitely text him. Even tell him you have some anxiety, tell him you really like him even if you didn't come off that way. I'm sure he will be understanding. I would be flattered if I was him.
stillafool Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I guess if he doesn't change his mind...we will meet this weekend! I guess my question is...I heard there's a third date rule? I'm new to this country and I'm not quite sure if it's common practice... I don't have anything against having sex on a third date, I'm just very surprised to read it online. Where I came from many people who are looking for LTR don't have sex until commitment or exclusivity is agreed upon, or at least knowing each other for a while? I would like to hear your thoughts on this! I don't want to send wrong messages again. There are no rules for when you are suppose to have sex. You do it when you feel comfortable and if you want to wait until commitment do so.
Author Sandwoman Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 In the US, women can and do sleep with a man anytime she feels like it. However, I always tell women that the first time she sleeps with a man, even if after a few dates, she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless and until he shows her otherwise by maintaining consistent communication and scheduling regular/proper dates. I don't recommend sleeping with a man at one date, but that's up to the woman. She just shouldn't expect anything as a result. It's important to have a conversation early about what each person's dating goals are, i.e. if you are hoping to find a committed, long-term relationship for yourself and the other person says they are only dating casually, you aren't on the same page in terms of goals. At this point, you aren't saying you know you want a relationship with this person, it's just about common goals. Even if the man says he's looking for a relationship, the woman needs to observe how he dates her. A guy might say he's looking for a relationship because he knows that's what most women want, but the woman still needs to observe his behavior and approach with her in the dating process. Thanks so much! I know I should manage expectations as the level of physical intimacy it does not equal to level of interest or commitment here... I guess my question is that...does it change the game? I mean does that hurt or help my chances of developing a LTR if I sleep with him on the third date? Some men think if they don't have sex on 3rd or 4th date, it means it's going nowhere? Like on the first date, I didn't respond to any physical contact or kiss him because he was a stranger. That's just my culture. But he interpreted as I was not interested at all... Bottomline is, I would like to sleep with him if it's the norm. I'm very attracted to him. But I don't want to come across as either playing hard-to-get or too easy...
Author Sandwoman Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 I haven't read the whole thread, not sure what has happened the last few days. But wanted to say this. Definitely text him. Even tell him you have some anxiety, tell him you really like him even if you didn't come off that way. I'm sure he will be understanding. I would be flattered if I was him. Thank you so much!!! I did already! We went on a great second date just yesterday! I'm really glad I sent the text...
Author Sandwoman Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 There are no rules for when you are suppose to have sex. You do it when you feel comfortable and if you want to wait until commitment do so. I totally agree. However, I do want to know the norm here, just to have an idea of what he expects and what I should expect.
Redhead14 Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Thanks so much! I know I should manage expectations as the level of physical intimacy it does not equal to level of interest or commitment here... I guess my question is that...does it change the game? I mean does that hurt or help my chances of developing a LTR if I sleep with him on the third date? Some men think if they don't have sex on 3rd or 4th date, it means it's going nowhere? Like on the first date, I didn't respond to any physical contact or kiss him because he was a stranger. That's just my culture. But he interpreted as I was not interested at all... Bottomline is, I would like to sleep with him if it's the norm. I'm very attracted to him. But I don't want to come across as either playing hard-to-get or too easy... It is not about "a norm". It's about YOU. If you like him enough, you should at least kiss him. You do not "have" to have sex with any man. The reality is that individuals have different views. If you do sleep with a man at, say, one date and he decides that only women who are "loose" do that, then you two aren't on the same page in terms of what's acceptable or not in terms of being intimate. The best thing to do really, is find out if you're on the same page at least, before sleeping together. And, after sleeping together the subject of exclusivity should be addressed. Exclusivity would be the next "dating phase". The period where the couple is focusing more deeply on the potential for a committed relationship. Some men think if they don't have sex on 3rd or 4th date, it means it's going nowhere? -- Communicate. If the subject of intimacy comes up, tell him you are attracted to him in that way but want a little more time to develop the relationship. If he pushes for sex/doesn't understand, then it's a sign that he's not really that invested and probably only wanting sex. If he respects your wishes, great. You have sex when you are comfortable enough to do that. Plain and simple. You don't have sex because you're trying to "hold on" to him either. Sex does not bond a man to a woman. Lots of women have sex with men and she assumes that he's all in by virtue of the fact that he had sex with her. That's not so. 1
Author Sandwoman Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 No. While it happens, there is no general expectation of sex on the third date. A lot of people advocate waiting for the 6th date or even longer just to see if all he is after is sex. I don't really buy that. Even after 20 dates they can still bail on you after sex. The first thing I'd say is you can tell when someone is trying to get to know you or not. If they're not trying to get to know you they just want to bed you. The exclusivity things is a matter of personal choice but a lot of people even in this country don't like the idea of dating around after becoming physical. My read on you is that you are relationship minded and not looking for something casual You should ask him what his philosophy about dating is. When things are starting out does he like to see more than one person at a time or does he like to concentrate on one person to see where it goes. Also ask him, if he is seeing someone else. You've already kissed and held hands and met friends. It's not too soon to ask if he is seeing anyone else. This needs to be asked before you have sex. About his saying you could cook for him... You need to decide before you go to his place for any length of time what your parameters are for sex. As I like to say, the kitchen is just down the hall prom the bedroom. If things appear to be headed toward sex and you have decided you are open to sex but you also need to be the only one you might say something like: It's important to me that when I am physical with someone that I am the only one for him and he is the only one for me. I'm not asking for forever, but I want to know that as long as we both choose to be together that we are only sleeping with each other. Note: this does not prevent him from lying or cheating. You just have to use your intuition and other things you have observed about him to decide if you trust him. If you don't trust him and exclusivity is important to you then you shouldn't have sex with him. If you want to know him longer before you have sex then say something like this. I'm really attracted to you but it's very important for me to get to know someone better before I take that step. We can still kiss (or make out- if that's also ok) but I need to wait before having sex. If he's into you he will wait. He may not wait forever, but he will wait for awhile. The important thing to take away is to decide what you want and what you are comfortable with and then express that whenever it's called for. Thanks so much for the explanation! I feel like because we just met, I don't really know him well, so I'm not ready for exclusivity yet. I want to observe him more, spend more time together. However, I also like him enough to be intimate. I think it'd be very fun and nice...it's also a great way to get to know someone... I'm only worried that if I do have sex with him on third date...he's not going to take me seriously?...
Author Sandwoman Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 First of all, glad you had a good time. Thank god you didnt send that text! LOL Now just wait for him to initiate the third date plans. DO NOT have sex on third date. YOU wont be able to handle the after effects. The way you are so insecure if he took 6 hrs to respond and were ready to write him off... you will get totally clingy n needy after sex. Also you guys have just kissed, way too many things to do before you do the deed. Progress very slow... take baby steps. Remember its YOU who is evaluating him. There are no rules to be followed. First try to avoid a third date at his place but if u do go to his home watch what is he doing. Is he at any point trying to push you to sleep with him... whether he is full of sweet nothings... whatever it is DO NOT sleep with him! hahaha thx! I know...I think you know me so well better than myself. I know now I'm thinking I can handle sex, it's totally fun and cool...I may actually go crazy after the act... I doubt that he'll push me, but he's very insecure (so obvious in many ways...), I also don't want him to feel rejected like he did the first time...
Redhead14 Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 hahaha thx! I know...I think you know me so well better than myself. I know now I'm thinking I can handle sex, it's totally fun and cool...I may actually go crazy after the act... I doubt that he'll push me, but he's very insecure (so obvious in many ways...), I also don't want him to feel rejected like he did the first time... I may actually go crazy after the act... Be careful with this . . . you need to manage your emotions and expectations after you become intimate with a man . . . women tend to get attached/clingy, etc. 3
winny Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I also like him enough to be intimate. I think it'd be very fun and nice...it's also a great way to get to know someone... I'm only worried that if I do have sex with him on third date...he's not going to take me seriously?... Stop lusting...! You do not like him enough. It's just the feelings after a good date that are affecting you. He is still a stranger. Someone that you don't trust yet. And it is NOT a great way to know someone. Your first priority should be to establish an emotional connection which is based on trust, honesty, mutual interests, goals etc. That's how you get to know someone. If you are a woman who has nothing other than sex to offer then for sure he will bail after sex. If you are someone who has a lot more to offer then you shouldn't be worried about whether HE takes you seriously or not. You know your own value and it doesn't come from what HE thinks or assumes. 3
winny Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I doubt that he'll push me, but he's very insecure (so obvious in many ways...), I also don't want him to feel rejected like he did the first time... If he is insecure, that's his problem. You don't need to sleep with him to prove your interest and make him feel secure. Isn't that a bit too much to do for someone who you met only twice? 2
stillafool Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I'm only worried that if I do have sex with him on third date...he's not going to take me seriously?... There's no guarantee. The sex can be good and he will want it again but he may not feel the right chemistry with you. He may like your conversation but didn't think the sex was so great. He may like the chemistry and the sex and fall for you. Who knows there are no rules when it comes to love. 1
stillafool Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Stop lusting...! If you are a woman who has nothing other than sex to offer then for sure he will bail after sex. If you are someone who has a lot more to offer then you shouldn't be worried about whether HE takes you seriously or not. You know your own value and it doesn't come from what HE thinks or assumes. ^^^^This^^^^ Take this advice as this is the type of woman every man goes for. Sex alone will not win men over.
olivetree Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 On your last date, he said he wasn't sure if you fit long term. That would give me pause. It's not so much the fact that he doesn't know (it is still early), but when someone expresses that, it sounds like he already has doubt. I would hold off on sleeping with him until you both get the sense that you could be a good match long term. Obviously sexual compatibility is part of that, but everything else should seem like a good fit. As others said, you should feel comfortable and secure with where you stand, as this sounds like it is something YOU need to do for yourself. 2
Author Sandwoman Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 [/b] If he is insecure, that's his problem. You don't need to sleep with him to prove your interest and make him feel secure. Isn't that a bit too much to do for someone who you met only twice? Omg you are so on point lol
Author Sandwoman Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 Stop lusting...! You do not like him enough. It's just the feelings after a good date that are affecting you. He is still a stranger. Someone that you don't trust yet. And it is NOT a great way to know someone. Your first priority should be to establish an emotional connection which is based on trust, honesty, mutual interests, goals etc. That's how you get to know someone. If you are a woman who has nothing other than sex to offer then for sure he will bail after sex. If you are someone who has a lot more to offer then you shouldn't be worried about whether HE takes you seriously or not. You know your own value and it doesn't come from what HE thinks or assumes. I so need to hear this right now!!! Everything you said is true. We still don't know much about each other. Emotional connection takes time to build. And its really not my style to have sex so early. So yesterday I asked him if he texts, he said he does. I said it seems he doesn't use watsapp much. He said he usually use text messages. Anyway he initiated texts this evening, asked what I was doing etc. Haven't mentioned plans for the weekend yet...
Author Sandwoman Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 On your last date, he said he wasn't sure if you fit long term. That would give me pause. It's not so much the fact that he doesn't know (it is still early), but when someone expresses that, it sounds like he already has doubt. I would hold off on sleeping with him until you both get the sense that you could be a good match long term. Obviously sexual compatibility is part of that, but everything else should seem like a good fit. As others said, you should feel comfortable and secure with where you stand, as this sounds like it is something YOU need to do for yourself. You are right! He has doubts and is insecure...I think it'd be nice to spend more time together to see if we are at the same page...
Sara1989 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I so need to hear this right now!!! Everything you said is true. We still don't know much about each other. Emotional connection takes time to build. And its really not my style to have sex so early. So yesterday I asked him if he texts, he said he does. I said it seems he doesn't use watsapp much. He said he usually use text messages. Anyway he initiated texts this evening, asked what I was doing etc. Haven't mentioned plans for the weekend yet... So are you guys meeting this weekend?
Author Sandwoman Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 So are you guys meeting this weekend? Now I really don't know. He texted me last night but no mention of a plan. It's Sat morning already... I don't know what to say. he probably has other priorities.
Author Sandwoman Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 Maybe he's dating others at the same time. It's ok. I'm just going to distract myself and focus on work.
dumbass2 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 (edited) What was the last text between you two last night? Do you know what he has going on this weekend? Edited January 28, 2017 by dumbass2
Author Sandwoman Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 What was the last text between you two last night? Do you know what he has going on this weekend? Last texts goes..."I'm going to xx (a friend) place for dinner!" I said cool. After a few hours, I asked "what did you have?" He replied. I fell asleep and replied this morning "umm...nice!" It appears he hasn't read the message yet. But it's 1pm? He asked to hang out this weekend?
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 Now I really don't know. He texted me last night but no mention of a plan. It's Sat morning already... I don't know what to say. he probably has other priorities. Even if he texts Saturday night, decline. He should be confirming plans with you not setting up something last minute and not telling you he's having dinner with a friend. The text he used for that purpose should have been something like "I'm having dinner with a friend but I'd like to take you out on Xday (Saturday or Sunday or even Monday, perhaps), at Xplace and Xtime". I wouldn't be thrilled with an invitation for a date via text either but I know lots of people who think that's OK. To me it's impersonal. It's like driving up to pick me up at my house and beeping the horn for me to come out. Either way, don't let this guy set up last minute dates. If he texts or calls last minute, create a boundary. "Hey, I'd like to go tonight, but I am making other plans because I hadn't heard from you. But I am available on Xday". Your time is important and he should respect that. And, stop chasing him. Do not initiate any texts, phone calls or meetings for a while. Sit back and observe. 3
Author Sandwoman Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 Thank you so much for your suggestion! I will take it. IF he texts me today. I will let him know that I have made plans. I have no problem with texting. Phone call would actually scare me away... have never called anyone unless it's an emergency or very close friends or family members who want to have in-depth conversations...I guess people have different 1
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 it seems like a recurring theme for this guy to wait until the eleventh hour before setting up/confirming plans? But it's a bit different to not have a time or activity planned.
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