Author Sandwoman Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 I think I'll go and see what happens... I guess it's too early to make judgements about anything after one date... but I have to admit it doesn't feel too good.
Author Sandwoman Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 He probably just bailed out/changed his mind about seeing me altogether -- YEAH. And, now he's looking to fill the spot or setting up the next one . . . Semantics -- bottomline, he's not confirming because he's not interested. You gotta let this go. Ok he just confirmed...six hours after reading the text... 1
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I really wouldn't invest another min of my time in someone who pulls stuff like that. Leaving a girl hanging for 6 hours the day before to confirm a date she initiated like her time isn't valuable? Lack of communication since she asked? What the hell? Not even once. But I hope it turns out for the best.
Author Sandwoman Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 I really want to text him: look you don't have to come if you don't want to. I have other things to do.
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 you'll probably always wonder because you seem to really like this guy. just go and try to have fun and be friendly. He'll reveal himself entirely soon enough.
Author Sandwoman Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 you'll probably always wonder because you seem to really like this guy. just go and try to have fun and be friendly. He'll reveal himself entirely soon enough. Thanks so much dear... I'm so torn sometimes between the fear of being a doormat/pushover and acting cold out of insecurities 1
winny Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I really want to text him: look you don't have to come if you don't want to. I have other things to do. DONT text that..! 1
Author Sandwoman Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 DONT text that..! I know... that will just make the whole thing a negative experience than it already is... He said "yea 7pm sounds good! Either food first or event first is fine with me"
winny Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Thanks so much dear... I'm so torn sometimes between the fear of being a doormat/pushover and acting cold out of insecurities You are having all these reactions coz you are giving him wayyy too much importance after one date. Why shouldn't he log into the dating app and see what else is out there? I say, let him go and see what is out there (if you are a catch, you shouldn't be worried about any competition) and if he finds someone else .. good for him. Everyone has the right to choose what's best for them. And if he went over all his options in the 6 hrs and then decided you are the best then you are at advantage coz he made a decision after weighing pros and cons. There is a off chance that he had nothing better to do or no one else agreed to go out with him or his other date got cancelled so he is going out with you. Even in that case, why do you care so much after just 1 date. Even when he met you first time, you don't know what made him decide to see you! At this point he is also not obligated to respond to your texts within 2 mins nor are you. If he took 6 hrs, then you also take few hours to respond. Play it super cool. Remember you have nothing to lose... go out have fun and don't worry about all this till you at least get to know him bit more. Right now you are totally this insecure woman who has nothing to do other than tracking each and every move of his and overanalyze and draw conclusions without any proof. You need to instead be this super secure woman who is not worried about any other women he finds online, whether he decides to cancel on you, goes out with another woman instead of you, responds to you after 6 hrs (you are too busy living your life to take notice and he is so little important that it makes no difference to you!), can totally handle never having a second date or third date... and not feel worthless because of it. His actions, decisions are no way going to affect you, your worth or your future. So cut yourself some slack and give him less importance... chill and just be secure in who you are. 1
Author Sandwoman Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 You are having all these reactions coz you are giving him wayyy too much importance after one date. Why shouldn't he log into the dating app and see what else is out there? I say, let him go and see what is out there (if you are a catch, you shouldn't be worried about any competition) and if he finds someone else .. good for him. Everyone has the right to choose what's best for them. And if he went over all his options in the 6 hrs and then decided you are the best then you are at advantage coz he made a decision after weighing pros and cons. There is a off chance that he had nothing better to do or no one else agreed to go out with him or his other date got cancelled so he is going out with you. Even in that case, why do you care so much after just 1 date. Even when he met you first time, you don't know what made him decide to see you! At this point he is also not obligated to respond to your texts within 2 mins nor are you. If he took 6 hrs, then you also take few hours to respond. Play it super cool. Remember you have nothing to lose... go out have fun and don't worry about all this till you at least get to know him bit more. Right now you are totally this insecure woman who has nothing to do other than tracking each and every move of his and overanalyze and draw conclusions without any proof. You need to instead be this super secure woman who is not worried about any other women he finds online, whether he decides to cancel on you, goes out with another woman instead of you, responds to you after 6 hrs (you are too busy living your life to take notice and he is so little important that it makes no difference to you!), can totally handle never having a second date or third date... and not feel worthless because of it. His actions, decisions are no way going to affect you, your worth or your future. So cut yourself some slack and give him less importance... chill and just be secure in who you are. Omg thank you so much!!! I can't help but smile reading this... instead of focusing on this nobody, I should really be working on myself and live my life. I should read this again. And again. And again. I shouldn't care. I guess the reason I care so much is I'm really doubting my communicative skills from the feedback he gave me. Last time after I sent him the "I'm shy" text he replied that he felt he might not be fancy enough for me because I sort of joked about his crappy phone and he lived far from downtown. And I was wearing designer clothes and I told him I never really cook... I realise when I'm nervous, I feel the need to impress people, I sort of act cold and people feel that I am very distant and think I'm better than them... clearly that's how he felt. He could be offended and turned off. Which has happened to my previous friendship and dates when people don't know me well... I was just bummed that I did it again...because I'm not really like this in an actual relationship
Author Sandwoman Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 By nobody I only meant we just met... he seems interesting and I hope to get to know him...
winny Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Have some faith in the universe, if it is meant to be... it will work out. You cannot control everything. You are shy and it is okay. You already made up for it by asking him out and clarifying why you behaved the way you did in the first date. Don't think about it anymore. When you meet him next time just try to be more relaxed and happy and don't worry about all these little things. Let him see you in all your glory... ha ha.. think positive and hope for the best...if he is smart he will recognize the goodness and value in you. If he doesn't, then thats fine too... someone better will show up... Remove all these negative thoughts and vibes and feelings.
winny Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 he felt he might not be fancy enough for me because I sort of joked about his crappy phone and he lived far from downtown. And I was wearing designer clothes and I told him I never really cook... I realise when I'm nervous, I feel the need to impress people, I sort of act cold and people feel that I am very distant and think I'm better than them... clearly that's how he felt. He could be offended and turned off. Which has happened to my previous friendship and dates when people don't know me well... I was just bummed that I did it again...because I'm not really like this in an actual relationship Its good that you recognize the areas that you need to work on. Use your interactions with him to work on your communication and nervousness issues. But if you know what you are doing something wrong and instead of thinking of ways to improve yourself, you wanna spend your time stalking him on a dating app --- then no one can help you 1
Jj66 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 It's only one date. He doesn't need to be invested in you at this point. It's not a problem in my mind that he was on the dating app. While he doesn't owe you much after one date, I think he does owe you common courtesy. And waiting 6 hours to reply after he read your text is not very courteous at all. Unless is is a social idiot, he would know you'd be anxiously waiting for a reply. This is date 1/date 2 and he is supposed to be on his BEST behavior. What's he going to be like when he reverts to normal? This lack of common courtesy is a big red flag in my book. I would be wary of other rude/disrespectful behavior. If you get confirmation of that type of behavior I think it's time pull the plug and try dating someone else unless you want someone who doesn't value your time. 2
Author Sandwoman Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 It's only one date. He doesn't need to be invested in you at this point. It's not a problem in my mind that he was on the dating app. While he doesn't owe you much after one date, I think he does owe you common courtesy. And waiting 6 hours to reply after he read your text is not very courteous at all. Unless is is a social idiot, he would know you'd be anxiously waiting for a reply. This is date 1/date 2 and he is supposed to be on his BEST behavior. What's he going to be like when he reverts to normal? This lack of common courtesy is a big red flag in my book. I would be wary of other rude/disrespectful behavior. If you get confirmation of that type of behavior I think it's time pull the plug and try dating someone else unless you want someone who doesn't value your time. Yes, I do agree it signals a lack of interest at least, a disrespectful behaviour pattern if more. I will look out for sure. I don't want to waste time on someone who doesn't respect me enough.
Author Sandwoman Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 UPDATES!!! So we had our second date yesterday. Overall, it was an amazing and lots of fun! We met at my friend's event, he was late for fifteen mins (I know!!! not good). Apologized. We had some in-depth conversation about the event, my work, his work, common interests, books we are reading...The chemistry was great and we do share many things...He complimented on my look, I said thanks I decided to try something different... So naturally talked a little about what happened ... he said he had a really nice time the first date, that's why he's here but wasn't sure if we fit in the long-term. He got the feeling that he wouldn't meet my expectation of fanciness... (apparently I did intimidate him quite a bit, and my jokes scared him off...)And he was very glad that I asked him out...I said sure I like him... So we are sort of clear on that...(I hope) Then we hang around with my schoolmates (they adore him), I often bring friends to these, guys and girls, just to hang out and sometimes network, so they are cool. It was very natural and genuine. After more than an hour, he was supposed to leave for an event, but he said it's ok, so we just hang out longer with my friends. It was pretty clear he enjoyed it. Then I asked him if he has to go to this thing, he said he probably should...and asked if I'd like to join him! I said ok... So, we took a long subway and went to his thing. It was a social/professional networking cocktail party, many of his friends are there. He introduced me to everyone and we just mingled and hang out for an hour or two. A guy approached me while we were talking. He naturally held my hand, not so obviously in front of his friends, but still...? When we got out of there, he asked if I'd like to get some dinner. We've been talking to each other and people for a few hours, and only had drinks. I said sure, anything is good. I don't mind casual diners or dumplings, but it seems he wanted to take me to somewhere a little bit nice. So we ended up taking the subway to somewhere near my place (I suggested because it's usually busier, it was 10:30). We had a super nice first kiss on our way and have been holding hands since. We went to a nice french bistro. Had some proper food and wine. Great conversation...very natural and friendly. He insisted paying. I said I'd buy him drinks next time. He replied well maybe you could cook something...I have a full kitchen lol I said I could try... Then he walked me home and kissed me goodnight. He said he had a really nice time. He then took the subway home. I sent him a text saying thanks for dinner and hope he gets home safely. He said yea it's not that far. Let's hang out this weekend? I said yes. I think it went great. He does seem a bit insecure, but more on that later.
Author Sandwoman Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 I just want to thank everyone. I really would not have texted him out of pride and insecurities if you haven't encouraged me. Whatever happens next, I am really glad that I had put myself out there. 1
Jj66 Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Sound like a very long and also very nice second date. 1
Author Sandwoman Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 I guess if he doesn't change his mind...we will meet this weekend! I guess my question is...I heard there's a third date rule? I'm new to this country and I'm not quite sure if it's common practice... I don't have anything against having sex on a third date, I'm just very surprised to read it online. Where I came from many people who are looking for LTR don't have sex until commitment or exclusivity is agreed upon, or at least knowing each other for a while? I would like to hear your thoughts on this! I don't want to send wrong messages again.
Author Sandwoman Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 Sound like a very long and also very nice second date. Yes it was almost five hours! I was surprised he decided to prolong the date by inviting me to his event, but it was great.
Redhead14 Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I guess if he doesn't change his mind...we will meet this weekend! I guess my question is...I heard there's a third date rule? I'm new to this country and I'm not quite sure if it's common practice... I don't have anything against having sex on a third date, I'm just very surprised to read it online. Where I came from many people who are looking for LTR don't have sex until commitment or exclusivity is agreed upon, or at least knowing each other for a while? I would like to hear your thoughts on this! I don't want to send wrong messages again. In the US, women can and do sleep with a man anytime she feels like it. However, I always tell women that the first time she sleeps with a man, even if after a few dates, she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless and until he shows her otherwise by maintaining consistent communication and scheduling regular/proper dates. I don't recommend sleeping with a man at one date, but that's up to the woman. She just shouldn't expect anything as a result. It's important to have a conversation early about what each person's dating goals are, i.e. if you are hoping to find a committed, long-term relationship for yourself and the other person says they are only dating casually, you aren't on the same page in terms of goals. At this point, you aren't saying you know you want a relationship with this person, it's just about common goals. Even if the man says he's looking for a relationship, the woman needs to observe how he dates her. A guy might say he's looking for a relationship because he knows that's what most women want, but the woman still needs to observe his behavior and approach with her in the dating process.
winny Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I guess if he doesn't change his mind...we will meet this weekend! I guess my question is...I heard there's a third date rule? I'm new to this country and I'm not quite sure if it's common practice... I don't have anything against having sex on a third date, I'm just very surprised to read it online. Where I came from many people who are looking for LTR don't have sex until commitment or exclusivity is agreed upon, or at least knowing each other for a while? I would like to hear your thoughts on this! I don't want to send wrong messages again. First of all, glad you had a good time. Thank god you didnt send that text! LOL Now just wait for him to initiate the third date plans. DO NOT have sex on third date. YOU wont be able to handle the after effects. The way you are so insecure if he took 6 hrs to respond and were ready to write him off... you will get totally clingy n needy after sex. Also you guys have just kissed, way too many things to do before you do the deed. Progress very slow... take baby steps. Remember its YOU who is evaluating him. There are no rules to be followed. First try to avoid a third date at his place but if u do go to his home watch what is he doing. Is he at any point trying to push you to sleep with him... whether he is full of sweet nothings... whatever it is DO NOT sleep with him! 2
winny Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Yes it was almost five hours! I was surprised he decided to prolong the date by inviting me to his event, but it was great. Dont be surprised.. be confident that you are amazing enough for him to spend more time with you. 3
winny Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I just want to thank everyone. I really would not have texted him out of pride and insecurities if you haven't encouraged me. Whatever happens next, I am really glad that I had put myself out there. Never say or text anything in the heat of the moment... thats how you set yourself apart from most. And however bad the situation might be there is always a way to respond where you still keep your dignity and most of the time that response is - silence. Ha ha its true 1
Jj66 Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I guess if he doesn't change his mind...we will meet this weekend! I guess my question is...I heard there's a third date rule? I'm new to this country and I'm not quite sure if it's common practice... I don't have anything against having sex on a third date, I'm just very surprised to read it online. Where I came from many people who are looking for LTR don't have sex until commitment or exclusivity is agreed upon, or at least knowing each other for a while? I would like to hear your thoughts on this! I don't want to send wrong messages again. No. While it happens, there is no general expectation of sex on the third date. A lot of people advocate waiting for the 6th date or even longer just to see if all he is after is sex. I don't really buy that. Even after 20 dates they can still bail on you after sex. The first thing I'd say is you can tell when someone is trying to get to know you or not. If they're not trying to get to know you they just want to bed you. The exclusivity things is a matter of personal choice but a lot of people even in this country don't like the idea of dating around after becoming physical. My read on you is that you are relationship minded and not looking for something casual You should ask him what his philosophy about dating is. When things are starting out does he like to see more than one person at a time or does he like to concentrate on one person to see where it goes. Also ask him, if he is seeing someone else. You've already kissed and held hands and met friends. It's not too soon to ask if he is seeing anyone else. This needs to be asked before you have sex. About his saying you could cook for him... You need to decide before you go to his place for any length of time what your parameters are for sex. As I like to say, the kitchen is just down the hall prom the bedroom. If things appear to be headed toward sex and you have decided you are open to sex but you also need to be the only one you might say something like: It's important to me that when I am physical with someone that I am the only one for him and he is the only one for me. I'm not asking for forever, but I want to know that as long as we both choose to be together that we are only sleeping with each other. Note: this does not prevent him from lying or cheating. You just have to use your intuition and other things you have observed about him to decide if you trust him. If you don't trust him and exclusivity is important to you then you shouldn't have sex with him. If you want to know him longer before you have sex then say something like this. I'm really attracted to you but it's very important for me to get to know someone better before I take that step. We can still kiss (or make out- if that's also ok) but I need to wait before having sex. If he's into you he will wait. He may not wait forever, but he will wait for awhile. The important thing to take away is to decide what you want and what you are comfortable with and then express that whenever it's called for.
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