Broke the 9 days of NC but that was the last call I needed to give me closure!

July 20, 2005

I did it, I broke the NC rule after 9 days.

I had to, I got into his email and read that he had asked her to spend the night. I knew any chance of us was over the moment I saw that. Thats why I called him. There was no pride or anxiety in the call. I knew there was 0 chance EVER.

I told him all the lies and all the betrays completely shattered any friendship that could ever happen. That if he had any respect of what we had had, to pull down those pics w/me in them and for her to take down that naked pic w/her in it. That is, if he had any respect for me at all. That the man I once loved is dead now and that I cannot be friends with his ghost. That I could never be dropped down to a level of friendship after being lovers for so long. (and had to add, be friends so I could ask you how your sex life is? HA!) That if he could do that to me as a gf, imagine what he'd do to me as a friend. Taht he didnt deserve to have any idea what was going on in my life, let alone this phone conversation. I told him that I used to think all the good outweighed the bad, but this time all the bad has outweighed the good.

I also told him how he tried to string me along, to act like a good guy thinking he could get away with his cheating to try to come back to me later on, that I would never catch him. That all of his apologies were insincere. I told him that he could never come back to me, 2,3,or 10 months down the road. That he could never think of me as a friend, or even someone he could ever come back to, someone to call home. That I gave him a multitude of opportunities with me and that if he was willing to disregard our 4 year solid bond, that it was foolish of him and that he would have to learn with her. I also stated how foolish he was to mess around w/a girl w/such disrespect and immaturity. (also added how gross it was for her to still want him the same night I had him). And that when I look back at our relationship, he leaves me with the monster he left me with, the cheating he left behind. No good memories can ever uphold the betrayal he left behind.

I pretty much told him everything on my mind in a half an hour, with no crying.

I told him that I had to give myself closure b/c he hadnt given me the proper closure.

Your thinking - I, I , I. What the heck did this loser have to say?

He said he wasnt the same person, he wanted to find the good back in him. That he tried with me for the 3 months he'd been cheating, tried to get that "feeling" back. That he knows this relationship w/the other girl is going so fast (b/c they call each other baby and love only after 1 month). That it didnt have anything to do with the sex and that he still cared for me, but he just didn't have that feeling anymore. He apologized that he ended it that way, apologized that he hurt me. That he wanted to maintain a friendship b/c he wanted to know what was going on in my life.

To tell ya the truth, I dont remember much what he said b/c it was a bunch of crap. I felt like he was still trying to string me along, but I wasn't gonna take it.

All I know is, that is all the closure I needed. To hear some truth from him and DEFENITELY for him to hear me out b/c all he did was leave a sour taste in my mouth, and frankly I needed that SHIET to be heard not just from LoveShack, but from him.

So thats it, I am officially available and will start dating immediately - starting this weekend at a fraternity bbq this saturday. And hey, to everyone good luck, dont put up with crap you know you dont deserve. Try not to really believe in the saying "if its meant to be, they'll come back". Because I think thats a bunch of horsecrap. If they come back, thats b/c they're done screwin around and found out the grass aint greener on the other side. So dont wait around and go find someone that'll love YOU to the core. At least u know when u do find someone, your not cheating and starting it on good terms!

July 20, 2005

You and chkguy should get together.

you need more than 9 days to get closure in your situation.. You need weeks if not months

July 20, 2005

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall
You and chkguy should get together.

hahaha

Fly, I was thinking exactly the same thing and was gonna post it to but didn't...

July 20, 2005

im sorry u had to put up with that crap

July 21, 2005

something that I have figured out, and I think many of those who have "recovered" would agree, is that you must provide your own closure. ultimately, you don't get closure from a phone call/txt message/conversation, it comes from within. when it happens, it's a beautiful thing let me tell you. for so long I just wanted my feelings for my ex to go away because I knew what a terrible person she was to me, now I can look back on it all and honestly not feel much of anything. I dont' long for the good times we had, I'm not bitter about the bad times, I am just glad I am a stronger person today because I went through all of this. Stay strong, keep your head up, and be happy about your new life without this scumbag.

P.S. his excuses are pure BS. If he has falling out of love with you he should have told you like a man, instead of going behind your back like that. there is no excuse for that behavior, and to be honest I'm pretty sure that girl he's with is gonna ruin his life from the way it sounds.

July 21, 2005

i forgot to mention that i told him i dont plan on paying him back on the $4000 cc debt, I said maybe in the long run, but for now he can worry about that. i said that was the break up fee and that he was lucky he got a 2 for 1 sale = breakup fee + cheating fee. Oh and I'm keeping the purse!

And truly the feelings arent complete closure, but it was a big step in closure for myself. but i ended up talking to him again later on (i called), repeating still how messed up it was for him and gradually i started talking normal again to him, saying that i was moving on and have been talking to somebody at work. i think he was surprised at how quickly i looked back on us and how giddy i was talking about the other guy, and he kept asking questions about it. i wasnt looking to make him jealous, but rather if he could help me figure out if the guy liked me or not! my intentions were more that i make it known to him that i'm not going to twiddle around for him, that once i walk away i wouldnt look back. i talked normal to him as i did to my other friends, i told him if i was this strong in 7 days, i cant imagine what a month would be like. thats why i said we couldnt be friends, too much feelings involved and that close friends wouldnt be able to talk like this b/c it wud be just too awkward.

it was weird, i talked about moving on and how i wanted my life to be, but in a good mood. in a way im kinda glad he's glum about it (maybe it was all an act), he still wants to be friends, and im like are you craaazy? but at least he took those pics down. at least he did some sort of gratitude for the 4 years we had had.

i left the conversation happy and confident of my decisions/answers.

theres one funny part, i swear im psychic - i've said alot of crap that came true like 10 times. i was like what does this girl have to give u? she has no job, school, blah blah. and he's like she has a job, and i was I bet u she works at the mall dear gawd. at first he wudnt tell me where, and i was like cmon tell me the job industry. later on i got it out of him and what does he say? Retail. hahha everything i've said about her have blatently come true. i need to put my psychic powers to better use than on a cheating man.

so now on to my next problem - is this guy interested in me or what? b/c i am soooooooo attracted to his personality! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t67210/

July 21, 2005

Originally posted by totallyconfused
i forgot to mention that i told him i dont plan on paying him back on the $4000 cc debt, I said maybe in the long run, but for now he can worry about that. i said that was the break up fee and that he was lucky he got a 2 for 1 sale = breakup fee + cheating fee. Oh and I'm keeping the purse!

You amaze me.. Please use condoms and birth control

A break up fee .. WOW are you immature. Are you really an adult or are you a 12 year old posting as an adult? Seriously ?

How would feel if the roles were reversed and he charged you a breakup fee ? I'll bet you would be upset..

I would say that it looks like you two are not getting back together..

July 21, 2005

condoms and birth control?! yikes, hello as if i'm that sleazy, granted i like sex but I def. dont sleep around, ive been with people on less than one hand. probably less than you or any other posters lol.

and the break up fee? it was term coined from a friend - i liked it. obviously the x does not subject to it b/c he knows how messed up things were and he knew the kind of relationship we were in and the trust i expected back.

if the roles were reversed, i would not cheat on him, i wouldve told him face to face just like i did before my ex when i was 18y/o and just like i did to this current x 6 months ago. he knows i never lie and that i will always uphold honesty, shoot i even told him that i plan not to return the purse and about the cc debt and told him to close the account.

money never meant anything in our relationship, it still wont thereafter. u can think i'm immature, sometimes i am. havent graduated college just yet...so cant grow up too fast. i can be a twinge horrible, but my actions he FULLY understands, why do u think he hasnt dared to ask for it? probably cuz he knows hes done alot more than i even found out.

so blah on u flyonthewall.

July 21, 2005

Originally posted by totallyconfused
money never meant anything in our relationship, it still wont thereafter.

And yet, you had spending sprees, to increase the debt on his cc?

July 21, 2005

grrr i already paid $500 down on it that last time i saw him and i went on a spending spree when he wouldnt talk to me.

and i still might pay him back...down the road. but honestly he can worry about it just as much as i worried about if i got an STD from him cheating on me

July 21, 2005

Originally posted by totallyconfused
condoms and birth control?! yikes, hello as if i'm that sleazy, granted i like sex but I def. dont sleep around, ive been with people on less than one hand. probably less than you or any other posters lol.

I meant so you don't reproduce.. You don't have the maturity it takes to deal with raising a child

July 21, 2005

It sounds to me like you're a Beverly Hills rich girl saying "You cheated on me and I don't want you so you have to pay me $12,1289038, 1238973429, 432849 to make me feel better, LOSER"!!

But that's beside the point. So, you got your closure NOW move on!! Don't think this is going to take a week or even two weeks for you to get over, you have a couple of months ahead of you that you have no idea what's going to happen. Let me give you a clue.

You're going to start dating, having wonderful conversations but thinking of your EX. This date is going to take you to the most romantic place, but you're thinking "I wish I was here with Mr. Cheater". Once the date is over he takes you home and a kiss good night is appropriate and as you close your eyes you pretend it's your EX. POOF open your eyes and it's NOT. You rush inside, to cry and never pick up this dates phone calls because he reminds you to much of your EX. This will go on for about 3 or 4 months maybe longer. At this point your very weak, DON'T CALL MR. CHEATER!!!!!

Then once you start getting use too your EX not in your life, and you can kiss and go on dates and not think about your EX. YOUR CURED!!

It's funny cause I can so picture this with you!

July 21, 2005

am i really the bad guy here?

it seems that its just the men that are all taken aback with my actions. sure it sucks for him, but its obvious he think this is a way he can feel better about his actions and i almost with mine. and my dear flyonthewall i dont plan on having kids or get married until i am settled with house and FT job w/benefits, let alone a faithful man - thats like when im 26 or 28...so i've got a 4+ years, of course i am being selfish and immature. at least i know it and recognize it.

question: how am i suppose to raise my maturity level in 1 week of the biggest life-altering crisis? raise my maturity level, raise my trust in which wasnt returned back 3 WHOLE MONTHS of cheating, lying, betraying? its asking alot of a 22 y/o VULNERABLE WOMAN. he doesnt deserve any kindness out of me, even he said it himself. he knows how much i was there for him when he NEEDED me when he cried and BEGGED me. i never closed a door on him, never turned my back on him b/c i was truly his best friend and he knows just how much he betrayed me with every single lie.

btw, who said i wanted to raise a child? who said i wanted to reproduce? i just wanted to buy a house with him as a real estate investment and rent the rooms out.

hey i just remember, i was honest throughout the entire time, high or low.

July 21, 2005

Originally posted by totallyconfused
am i really the bad guy here?

No you are not the bad guy .. He hurt you ..

"In life you are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it".

So your bf is responsible for cheating on you.. You are responsible for how you react to this.

Your reaction has not been a good one.

July 21, 2005

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall
No you are not the bad guy .. He hurt you ..

"In life you are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it".

So your bf is responsible for cheating on you.. You are responsible for how you react to this.

Your reaction has not been a good one.

I wouldn't go as far as her reaction isn't a good one. When you're hurt you do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better which in the end may bite you in the azz but I will say you're going about it the 'wrong way'. Your mind is going crazy right now trying to figure out what to do now. It's hard for you to move on when you can't because you're emotionally stuck on how fast he can move on or for that matter not give a crap, when you still do.

I can't tell you not to stop thinking about him because it's impossible all I'm trying to say is find ways to take him off your mind for at least 5 minutes. You're going to make yourself sick to your nerves if you keep looking on his web sites or calling him to get closure. He cheated you broke it off what other closure do you need. Oh yeah and you got a $600 purse, that's a sign of hey buddy I'm moving on so ACT LIKE IT!!

July 21, 2005

im actually quite the opposite of a beverly hills girl...i've worked all my life since i was 15 from waitressing to telemarketing to the corporate world of aerospace & defense. ive been there, i know EXACTLY where money comes from. literally from sweat and blood, and some achey feet.

i have pictured him in "dreams" but lately im not. when i crush on guys, which i am right now, i crush HARD. this guy is very different from my x. since we are both minorities, the communication is there, its awesome. i ALWAYS had that problem with my x, b/c maybe he was white. i even wrote school reports on org. behavior/racism on that relationship, like why wasnt that communciation there?

when i left my prior x, i never looked back. at least never looked back with wanting to get back together. sometimes u just gotta push out of sight, out of mind stronly. when i look at him, i dont think of good things anymore. it will probly take me at least a month to push him outta my mind. im just glad that i voiced out all the things i needed to and called him out on every single lie he put on me.

i dont think i cud ever think of wanting to be with mr.cheater. why wud i want to picture that when he did me so wrong? b/c that man i loved is dead, he died 3 months ago. all i can picture is me getting to know myself and having fun with my girlfriends, and of course carrying gleefully on with my secret crushes.

truthfully, i think its torture if it takes someone more than 2 months to get over someone. sure its hard, but why go through torture when u can easily make ureself forget by surrounding yourself with people who want to spend time with YOU.

[edit] it was a $200 purse, 2 eyeglasses @ $150/ea and a bra. i'd be too scared to run around with a $600 purse. and i know how fast people can fall for others, i've done it myself right after a long-term relationship. if ive felt those feelings, surely everyone has then

July 21, 2005

all i can picture is me getting to know myself and having fun with my girlfriends, and of course carrying gleefully on with my secret crushes.

truthfully, i think its torture if it takes someone more than 2 months to get over someone. sure its hard, but why go through torture when u can easily make ureself forget by surrounding yourself with people who want to spend time with YOU.

Exactly, just be strong you'll get through it and you'll find someone who's actually worth something.

July 21, 2005

Originally posted by totallyconfused
i forgot to mention that i told him i dont plan on paying him back on the $4000 cc debt, I said maybe in the long run, but for now he can worry about that. i said that was the break up fee and that he was lucky he got a 2 for 1 sale = breakup fee + cheating fee. Oh and I'm keeping the purse!

And truly the feelings arent complete closure, but it was a big step in closure for myself. but i ended up talking to him again later on (i called), repeating still how messed up it was for him and gradually i started talking normal again to him, saying that i was moving on and have been talking to somebody at work. i think he was surprised at how quickly i looked back on us and how giddy i was talking about the other guy, and he kept asking questions about it. i wasnt looking to make him jealous, but rather if he could help me figure out if the guy liked me or not! my intentions were more that i make it known to him that i'm not going to twiddle around for him, that once i walk away i wouldnt look back. i talked normal to him as i did to my other friends, i told him if i was this strong in 7 days, i cant imagine what a month would be like. thats why i said we couldnt be friends, too much feelings involved and that close friends wouldnt be able to talk like this b/c it wud be just too awkward.

it was weird, i talked about moving on and how i wanted my life to be, but in a good mood. in a way im kinda glad he's glum about it (maybe it was all an act), he still wants to be friends, and im like are you craaazy? but at least he took those pics down. at least he did some sort of gratitude for the 4 years we had had.

i left the conversation happy and confident of my decisions/answers.

theres one funny part, i swear im psychic - i've said alot of crap that came true like 10 times. i was like what does this girl have to give u? she has no job, school, blah blah. and he's like she has a job, and i was I bet u she works at the mall dear gawd. at first he wudnt tell me where, and i was like cmon tell me the job industry. later on i got it out of him and what does he say? Retail. hahha everything i've said about her have blatently come true. i need to put my psychic powers to better use than on a cheating man.

so now on to my next problem - is this guy interested in me or what? b/c i am soooooooo attracted to his personality! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t67210/

wow....just wow. i don't really know what to say, you are quite possibly the most immature 22 year old on the planet. your still vindictive (which is why you told him about this other guy and don't try and bs otherwise) and acting like a little kid. personally, i wouldn't put up with your bs for one second. no, it doesn't make what he's done right in any way, but you certainly don't have the upper hand in this situation because in some ways you are still acting down on his level. and trying to get into another relationship this fast is just your way of numbing the pain, and believe me it won't work. i suggest you read No Foolin's NC thread.

July 21, 2005

OMG so i called once. thats all i did. im done calling him. i'm just not the type to walk away from an exploding bomb. i needed some time to think, i got just that in 9 days. sure i wont get over it jsut from 1 call - maybe in a month or so. but sometimes this whole NCing deal is a little too stiff. i called him to explain to him that i knew everything he was up to and wanted him to know i wont be around to wait for him while he makes up his mind. and that he should never think of me as home again. and even after talking to him, i was actually able to talk to him as a friend, and yes it was awkward, so awkward thats why i cant do it again.

and yes, you'd be surprised what kind of feelings come up - such as immaturity levels - after 4 years of trust is shattered.

its not like im calling him begging him to take me back or threatening him. all i told him was how much he messed up and if he truly wanted to be there for me as a friend, was to listen to me and man up to his actions and respect for what we had had- yes it was hard for him to listen to every lie he told me, every time he turned his back on me like a coward. i told him myself that i more than realized it was over, i told him i was moving on, not b/c i wanted so badly to but b/c it was for my own good.

NC is kind of a chicken way out if u just do it to avoid the confrontation, to avoid the fear in "hearing their voice" and falling in love. that was not the case for me. sometimes, im just not the person to desert and get up and go. its like driving, if im gonna cut you off, i'll put my blinker on to at least let you know im gonna cut u off. granted NC is good if u CANNOT handle the emotional aspect of it, but if u TRULY can do it w/o all that crying or yelling than do it. if u can see that its over and dont want it back and REALIZE its bad u want it back, then do it.

the feeling of talking to [them] as a friend is so weird, you'll hear things that u dont normally think they'd say. like wow he actually is even dorkier than my friends! idk thats just IME, thats what happened for me in 9 days of NC and then calling him. i didnt give him an explanation, i just wanted him to realize that his cheating wasnt just gonna go away, it was gonna stay there with him haunting him and that any girl he talked to he shud be extra careful in being honest. where i talked to him about the other guy - i really wasnt trying to make him jealous but i'd been talking about that guy to my other 2 guy friends all the other days - asking them what i shud do. so talking about that to him was not out of the question. B/c i really am interested in this guy! i even talked to him [my x] about his new gf and how that was going. it was so awkward, i ended the conversation with - see now u understand why we cant be friends? and he got the point. thats when i realized my x was always on the slow side, i had to kinda speed him up to par, but then again maybe he was playing dumb.

u think that by acting "mature" and being the "good" person on the end from a cheater is gonna feel good? nah im not that, he can learn his mistakes, just as i will mine. if i have to act down on his level, so he can actually understand me and what his actions did to lead to mine then so be it. [which acting down on his level was what? leaving him w/a cc debt that he never asked to be repaid?] b/c thats all i've done.

i think it wud be alot harder for me to carry that anger/hurt knowing he didnt know how much he betrayed a best friend. even after that 1 call - i feel like a load is off my chest. at least the anger part. now i feel like i am just beginning a new life, frankly to take advantage of my new found freedom. im trying to recover as fast as i can - going thru all the break up phases in less than 3 weeks, b/c times a wastin.

some ppl heal faster than others, i dont think its best advice to say - 'oh man its going take alot of time, like 3-4 months for u to get better". i honestly think thats the worst thing to say. whenever ppl told me that they just broke up w/someone - i say hey! now you are free to do whatever u want. lets go out meet people. look at it as an OPPORTUNITY w/OPTIMISM in the next week. not like oh man your gonna be in the dumps for like the next month so it'll go away eventually. NO WAY. say heal up as fast as u can girl b/c we need to have some fun asap. thats dealing with it. thats looking at crapholeism in the most optimistic way.

glass = half full

how about your glass?

July 21, 2005

Originally posted by totallyconfused
OMG so i called once. thats all i did. im done calling him.

Have you ever heard of the saying that for an Alcoholic " one drink is too many and 1000 drinks are not enough " ?

What it basically means is don't take that first drink because you will want more and more.. Just like calling him once.

Now that you have called him you are going to want to call him again.. You should've never called him the first time.

It is understandable that you are hurting.. My god I'd be hurting to if I had gone thru what you have.

It's now time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and move on..

Hopefully you got some closure out of it all..

I expect that soon you will be posting that you have a new guy all lined up..

July 22, 2005

Fly, you're saying reasonable and wise things, but. I see a lot of people on this forum that are hurt over a breakup and others reply to their posts by saying you've gotta move on and accept that it's over. Well, of course it is a sound advice and very solid to everyone else except for the person who's suffering. Of course they know it's over. I know it's over for my relationship, I'm sure, totalyconfused, you know it's over for you as well. But fly brought up an interesting point about closure comming from within. I agree, and I think it's something to think about when you have an urge to call him and try to justify it by saying you need closure. It may have felt like you've got this closure but that doesn't mean that later on you'll come up with another excuse to make another contact. And we've seen it all, getting your stuff back, his birthday's comming up, telling him something you think you've forgotten to mention earlier (which doesn't nesessarily mean is something he/she never heard before).

I guess what I'm trying to say is, closure indeed does come from within but one does need a sign or some kind of spiritual awakening to see the big picture and really, not just hear, but comprehand that it's over. It's a problem you need to solve, and you can't move on until it is solved. Think about what was it about this guy that made you cling to him so much? after all of what he did to you? He obviously wasn't good for you, but why did you stay in a relationship for so long. Look for the answer, it's there...

July 22, 2005

reinforcement is how I did it. everytime you long for your ex, reinforce that thought with all the bad things they did. pretty soon those longings won't affect you as much as they did before.

July 22, 2005

it takes 8 weeks to break a habit.

July 22, 2005

sanne,

it works. For one ex one time only. Well and then of course for another ex, next time and another one and so on. Then you keep doing it each time. There is always something wrong with an ex isn't it?

JS17,

how long does it take to break a lifestyle?

July 22, 2005

depends on the lifestyle that we're talking about.

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Broke the 9 days of NC but that was the last call I needed to give me closure!

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