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Have no idea how to read this situation [UPDATE should I swipe right on him?]

floralnochip

By floralnochip
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floralnochip New Member

floralnochip

Posted
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I apologize for the length of this post! I just want to be thorough.

 

Me: F, 27

Him: M, 31

Guy I've been on two dates with from Tinder has stopped texting as much after initially texting a lot and making lots of future plans. Told me up front he's looking for relationship and not a hookup.

 

He did say before our first dinner date (Dec 30) that he works a lot and that he would be busy moving across town: "I'm moving in a couple of weeks, please bear with me and not have a boyfriend by then!" Our first date was awesome--good vibes, compliments, conversation flowing. He texted me a lot for days with compliments, heart emojis, etc. Our second date was Jan 7, we went shopping for apartment stuff for him. The move was Jan 8.

 

On the second date I knew I was being somewhat shy/nervous because I was into him, much to my chagrin. But he was chatty, we kissed three times, held hands in the car. I told him I was feeling shy but he said not to worry about it, I'd open up later. After the second date he texted me that he got home.

 

I texted him Tuesday Jan 10, and it just felt a little off. He didn't really flirt. I told him I missed his face and he sent me a really goofy selfie which I found hilarious, I told him so and then he said it was funny except for the ingrown hairs on his neck. I said I didn't notice them (I really didn't) because everything else going on in the picture. He said he was super broken out and self conscious about them so I replied, "Aww, I'm sorry babe! I'm sure you can find something to clear it up. You're still hot though. ;-)" He replied "Oh wow. <3" and I sent a kiss emoji and then asked how was work, and he told me. Then I told him I was goofing around at work, he laughed "Bahahaha" and I sent a smiling emoji and that was it. I wondered if I came on too strong, but he's called me babe before and I was just trying to make him feel better about his skin since he mentioned it.

 

Then almost three days of nothing until I texted him Friday night Jan 13 asking what he was up to, intending to see if he wanted to come meet me and my friend at the bar. But I never got that far because he didn't respond. I have (shamefully) Facebook stalked him and see that he's active on there making posts.

 

Monday Jan 16 I sent:

Me: _____, hey! What are you doing Wednesday night? I'd love to catch up, maybe over Korean food. :-)

Him: Hi babe! That sounds amazing. Buuutt...After moving. I just bought a couch and a bunch of other stuff to make the place livable and I'm rather broke at the moment.

Me: No worries! Just let me know when you're free and we'll set something up. Xoxo

Him: I am free! I just don't have anymore entertainment budget this month.

Me: It doesn't always cost to have fun. Maybe we can cook or something!

 

That was the end of the conversation. Neither one of us has texted since then, so it's almost been a week since we've talked and two weeks since we've seen each other. Why say you're free, only to not take up my offer to do something cheap?

 

At this point I'm wondering if I should just give up and move on. I don't know if he's uninterested, putting me "on ice", or actually that busy.

PinkPampies Established Member

PinkPampies

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If he was really interested, he'd find something to do with you. Sounds like he's blowing cold. See others and keep your options open. Maybe you came on too strong?

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floralnochip New Member

floralnochip

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If he was really interested, he'd find something to do with you. Sounds like he's blowing cold. See others and keep your options open. Maybe you came on too strong?

 

That's what I think. I mean, we could grab a cheap coffee or go to a park, walk on the beach, anything.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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There are a lot of guys on here that would love to have an attractive woman be hitting on them, I don't buy that he got turned off on your advances.

 

He pretty much was hinting that you pay for the next date, that is all. Maybe suggest buying him dinner like take out, nothing fancy, or a nice little casual place. I'm sure if you twist his arm the right way he will agree. It's worth a shot. If he gets all weird then dump the chump.

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Brittybritt92 Member

Brittybritt92

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Some of the best advice I've always received is "if they want to see you, they will make it happen." It sounds like he was making some excuses but wants to keep you on the back burner. If I were you I would keep dating and move on, if he has a new place and no cash, there's still plenty of things to do at his place like watch movies or something. Prbly talking to multiple people, just keep moving forward. I would lay off the texts, pull back and see what happens.

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floralnochip New Member

floralnochip

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Some of the best advice I've always received is "if they want to see you, they will make it happen." It sounds like he was making some excuses but wants to keep you on the back burner. If I were you I would keep dating and move on, if he has a new place and no cash, there's still plenty of things to do at his place like watch movies or something. Prbly talking to multiple people, just keep moving forward. I would lay off the texts, pull back and see what happens.

 

I have definitely pulled back. Since that conversation I haven't texted him and tomorrow will be a week since we've talked. Because at this point it's me doing too much initiating.

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ShyLove Established Member

ShyLove

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He's probably checking out and matching with new girls on Tinder in his new location. Hope its not true for your sake but I'd be willing to bet it probably is

:(

Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

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He seems to be very open... and insecure at the same time.

 

Sounds like he created pressure on himself and your assisting with that pressure.

 

The other side is maybe he is pushing you away. Sounds like he created excuses to avoid you... but just at the moment. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and not rush anything or come to any conclusions yet.

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floralnochip New Member

floralnochip

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He seems to be very open... and insecure at the same time.

 

Sounds like he created pressure on himself and your assisting with that pressure.

 

The other side is maybe he is pushing you away. Sounds like he created excuses to avoid you... but just at the moment. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and not rush anything or come to any conclusions yet.

 

Can I ask why you say I'm assisting with adding pressure? Possibly because I asked him out instead of waiting and letting him do it?

joseb Established Member

joseb

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He was probably hoping you would offer to come over and christen the couch / bed.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Let the man to all of the initiating for the first few dates. In the very beginning you are in "receptive" mode. You respond in a timely manner and accept dates. This guy has dropped off a couple of times with communication already. When that happens early, you sit back and wait it out, no matter how long it takes. This way you are getting a true view of his level of interest. If the guy has been consistent in communication and seeing you in the first few dates, then you can and should start doing some initiating and keep it balanced. You initiate, then turn the "reigns" back over to him.

Jj66 Established Member

Jj66

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He turned down your offer of cooking together. It's amazing how close the kitchen is to the bedroom. Guys know this. Hard to imagine a guy who knows what he is doing and who is interested in you, turning that offer down.

 

I say he is probably no longer interested.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Pretty obvious to me. He doesn't have an "entertainment budget" meaning he doesn't want to do a date, but you're probably welcome to come over and 'Netflix and chill' on his new couch.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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floralnochip New Member

floralnochip

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Pretty obvious to me. He doesn't have an "entertainment budget" meaning he doesn't want to do a date, but you're probably welcome to come over and 'Netflix and chill' on his new couch.

 

I think if that were the case he would have taken up my offer to cook together. Which then circles back to him probably not being interested anymore.

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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I think if that were the case he would have taken up my offer to cook together. Which then circles back to him probably not being interested anymore.

 

Not necessarily,IMO. I edited to "do a date" instead of "go out on a date" because he doesn't want to do anything date-like at all.I'd bet just wants to have nsa sex. Quite common on there. That's why he said "I am free!" It's clear from your texts to him you want more than that so he backed off.

winny Established Member

winny

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He doesn't wanna go into the effort of cooking.

Don't text him anymore.

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Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

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Can I ask why you say I'm assisting with adding pressure? Possibly because I asked him out instead of waiting and letting him do it?

 

Me: _____, hey! What are you doing Wednesday night? I'd love to catch up, maybe over Korean food. :-)

Him: Hi babe! That sounds amazing. Buuutt...After moving. I just bought a couch and a bunch of other stuff to make the place livable and I'm rather broke at the moment.

Me: No worries! Just let me know when you're free and we'll set something up. Xoxo

Him: I am free! I just don't have anymore entertainment budget this month.

Me: It doesn't always cost to have fun. Maybe we can cook or something!

 

Im not to sure if you don't know the going price of furniture.. but a good couch can be 2-4k. So i believe he maybe broke and I believe he is also insecure about having you come over. Question is have you been over his place? Maybe he is focusing on that? Is he going about it the best way.. by being distant. I don't know.

 

So I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet.

CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

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Im not to sure if you don't know the going price of furniture.. but a good couch can be 2-4k. So i believe he maybe broke and I believe he is also insecure about having you come over. Question is have you been over his place? Maybe he is focusing on that? Is he going about it the best way.. by being distant. I don't know.

 

So I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet.

 

So they couldn't go for coffee, go on a hike, wander their local city and grab a hot dog (or nothing at all), go to a friend's party, wander a farmer's market, get a froyo, go for a drive...? Is this guy planning on never going out for coffee again until his couch is paid off in 2019? :D KWIM?

 

Even the Netflix part of Netf!ix and chill costs SOMETHING and for that matter, so do groceries to make dinner..Somehow I doubt this is about literally not having two tin nickels to rub together.

 

I feel like if he were interested he would have suggested something cheaper rather than let things trail off like that...OP, why not directly ask him: "Hey, money can be tight at times for me too, I get it, want to go out for a cup of coffee instead?"

clia Established Member

clia

Posted
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You've been on two dates, haven't seen him in two weeks, and he hasn't initiated anything since your last date. It's abundantly clear that he is not interested. Yes, you should move on.

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floralnochip New Member

floralnochip

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Im not to sure if you don't know the going price of furniture.. but a good couch can be 2-4k. So i believe he maybe broke and I believe he is also insecure about having you come over. Question is have you been over his place? Maybe he is focusing on that? Is he going about it the best way.. by being distant. I don't know.

 

So I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet.

 

I know it's been days since I posted this but I forgot to mention that he told me he suffers from anxiety on our first date, and on the second one he told me he was anxious about the move. Do you think that could have anything to do with all of this?

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I know it's been days since I posted this but I forgot to mention that he told me he suffers from anxiety on our first date, and on the second one he told me he was anxious about the move. Do you think that could have anything to do with all of this?

 

NO. He's not interested PERIOD. Telling a dating partner what their weaknesses are on the first date, is simply about giving themselves an "out" and you're using it to spin things to your favor. You are essentially deluding yourself. "He really does want me, he's just too anxious". Moving does cause some stress, but, it's not debilitating. Nor does it take weeks to move. He may have needed a few days to get organized and set up but not weeks. I've moved a number of times in my life and didn't let two weeks go by without seeing/communicating with someone I was interested in.

 

"Hey, I suffer from anxiety and I'm moving in two weeks, so I'm going to disappear for a while, but you hang on and wait for me, OK? This way I can call/see you on MY schedule and you'll be there" Paleeze. Classic string along.

angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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He was probably hoping you would offer to come over and christen the couch / bed.

 

She offered to cook for him. That's not it...

 

He claims it's money. Yet, when she suggested a free date, he declined that too!

 

He's not really interested, but he doesn't want to close the door just yet.

 

I suspect he's pursuing more interesting opportunities right now and has the OP on the back burner if those don't pan out. He's hedging his bets. He'll be back with some flimsy excuse after disappearing for an extended time period.

 

floralnochip, forget about him and move on. Obviously he's not that interested after a date. He'll blow hot and cold depending on his options and just waste your time. This isn't the type of guy to invest in emotionally.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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I know it's been days since I posted this but I forgot to mention that he told me he suffers from anxiety on our first date, and on the second one he told me he was anxious about the move. Do you think that could have anything to do with all of this?

 

 

If he is SOOOO anxious that he cannot set up a date or agree to one when you make all the moves, then what good is he to you? He needs professional help.

 

This has nothing to do with anxiety or moving home, he is just not interested full stop.

By Jan 10 he had relegated you to the bin, but he kept up the friendly vibe. then nothing.

On the 13th, you initiated but he never even replied.

On the 16 you again initiated and he blew you off.

DO NOT contact him again, he doesn't want to know...

 

People who are interested act interested. If he had been interested he would be contacting you from the middle of Siberia, he'd be blowing up your phone when he was half way up a mountain, he'd be sending you emails from a trek across the desert.

Here this guy has a new couch, he needs to arrange some knick knacks in his new apartment and put his clothes in the wardrobe, and it is so traumatic for him that he is essentially unavailable...

 

Forget him.

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floralnochip New Member

floralnochip

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She offered to cook for him. That's not it...

 

He claims it's money. Yet, when she suggested a free date, he declined that too!

 

He's not really interested, but he doesn't want to close the door just yet.

 

I suspect he's pursuing more interesting opportunities right now and has the OP on the back burner if those don't pan out. He's hedging his bets. He'll be back with some flimsy excuse after disappearing for an extended time period.

 

floralnochip, forget about him and move on. Obviously he's not that interested after a date. He'll blow hot and cold depending on his options and just waste your time. This isn't the type of guy to invest in emotionally.

 

As much as I know you all are probably right I'm wondering why it's so difficult to let this go and just move on. At the end of the day it was only two dates but I'm just still hanging on to the "what ifs".

angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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You made the mistake of becoming emotionally invested way too early.

 

Understand that most early dates go nowhere. This guy was also full of potential "outs"/excuses in the lead up to your first date and on your first date. That rarely bodes well.

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