midwestgirl8429 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 My BF and I have been together for a little over 4 years. He was separated for a few years before the divorce finally went through. His ex wife will not let go and I'm not sure he completely has at times either. He has 2 young adult children that don't live at home, 1 older teen and a tween. The ex is always asking him to come over to the house to fix things, join them for dinner and a movie at home, inviting him to go do things with them. He recently went out of town and she wanted to know why he didn't say good bye the right way after dropping his daughter off. Many times he won't acknowledged those text but he did send her small details and pics of his recent trip, telling her when he has extra work from his second job and other little things going on in his life. I know you can't stop others actions no matter how much you ask them to stop. I told him maybe he needs to be a little more firm and straight forward, but he says he just doesn't respond to her. When I asked why he keeps her in the loop, he says it ease emotions as they are still trying to keep communication open. She just isn't letting go, but he isn't exactly helping remind her that part of their life together is over.
kendahke Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 My BF and I have been together for a little over 4 years. He was separated for a few years before the divorce finally went through. at what point in the continuum did this divorce take place? Before you began seeing him or was it during the 4 years spate of time you were involved with each other that he was waiting on the divorce to become finalized? His ex wife will not let go and I'm not sure he completely has at times either. He has 2 young adult children that don't live at home, 1 older teen and a tween. The ex is always asking him to come over to the house to fix things, join them for dinner and a movie at home, inviting him to go do things with them. He recently went out of town and she wanted to know why he didn't say good bye the right way after dropping his daughter off. Many times he won't acknowledged those text but he did send her small details and pics of his recent trip, telling her when he has extra work from his second job and other little things going on in his life. I know you can't stop others actions no matter how much you ask them to stop. I told him maybe he needs to be a little more firm and straight forward, but he says he just doesn't respond to her. When I asked why he keeps her in the loop, he says it ease emotions as they are still trying to keep communication open. She just isn't letting go, but he isn't exactly helping remind her that part of their life together is over.I think you need to face the fact that he is not emotionally done with her nor is he in any hurry to be emotionally done with her. If he hasn't told her "you and I are parenting partners and that's it", by now, then he's not going to do it.
kendahke Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 I know you can't stop others actions no matter how much you ask them to stop. I told him maybe he needs to be a little more firm and straight forward, but he says he just doesn't respond to her. That's called "being avoidant". It's akin to him sticking his head in the sand and hoping that this will go away, unaddressed by him. He has really poor boundary-keeping skills. When I asked why he keeps her in the loop, he says it ease emotions as they are still trying to keep communication open. You can keep communications open and still be clear with someone that you have no further interest in them romantically. They are not mutually exclusive concepts.
Redhead14 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 My BF and I have been together for a little over 4 years. He was separated for a few years before the divorce finally went through. His ex wife will not let go and I'm not sure he completely has at times either. He has 2 young adult children that don't live at home, 1 older teen and a tween. The ex is always asking him to come over to the house to fix things, join them for dinner and a movie at home, inviting him to go do things with them. He recently went out of town and she wanted to know why he didn't say good bye the right way after dropping his daughter off. Many times he won't acknowledged those text but he did send her small details and pics of his recent trip, telling her when he has extra work from his second job and other little things going on in his life. I know you can't stop others actions no matter how much you ask them to stop. I told him maybe he needs to be a little more firm and straight forward, but he says he just doesn't respond to her. When I asked why he keeps her in the loop, he says it ease emotions as they are still trying to keep communication open. She just isn't letting go, but he isn't exactly helping remind her that part of their life together is over. He needs to make it clear to her that he wants to work with her in order to have a successful co-parenting relationship and nothing beyond that. He doesn't know how to, or perhaps, doesn't want to establish and enforce boundaries. All that being said . . . you've been seeing him for 4 years. I can't believe you haven't addressed this before with him, so I'd say you have and he isn't making an effort to accommodate your needs and do what is necessary to support your relationship with him. If he hasn't tried or isn't making progress at least, he isn't going to. If this isn't working for you, you need to move on. When you address a need or concern, you sit back and observe whether they make the effort to address it themselves. You do it once, maybe twice -- because habits are hard to break, but you don't keep rehashing it. It just says you aren't capable of establishing and enforcing boundaries either. If you have to say it 10 times and they know there are no consequences and that things will go back to usual, then you're just repeating history over and over again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. 1
preraph Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 When you say the kids don't live at home, who do they live with? I can't tell if you meant don't live with him or don't live with her. If they live with her, then he probably should help repair things once in a while. He has to stay civil with her because of the kids, but yes it sounds like she still wants him and because of that, he needs to have very firm boundaries. He shouldn't be going over there for dinner unless it's a shared Christmas or something like that, in which case you should be his date and also go. Men LOVE having two women after them, so just bear that in mind. I broke up with someone because of something similar. I'm not down for polygamy and if I was it would be with multiple men and just me, not the other way around.
Author midwestgirl8429 Posted January 23, 2017 Author Posted January 23, 2017 The 2 youngest live at home with the ex. They were separated when we started dating, divorce took place 3yrs into our relationship..we have been together over 4 years. I just have the sense he isn't completely over her emotionally. They get into explosive arguments in person, by phone and text. She is still wanting to be there for major doctor appointments, business events, going to events such as concerts or sporting events..etc. he doesn't say yes but he doesn't say no either. She sent him a selfie while he was out of town for business and he sent one back. Reading your post and he's other little signs making me realize I don't think he is really emotionally over her. Even though he says my heart belongs to you I'm here with you you're the one I want to be with. It's hurtful. I want him to have a good co-parenting and even friendship with his ex but I don't think he knows where to draw the line and neither does she
Simple Logic Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 My BF and I have been together for a little over 4 years. He was separated for a few years before the divorce finally went through. His ex wife will not let go and I'm not sure he completely has at times either. He has 2 young adult children that don't live at home, 1 older teen and a tween. The ex is always asking him to come over to the house to fix things, join them for dinner and a movie at home, inviting him to go do things with them. He recently went out of town and she wanted to know why he didn't say good bye the right way after dropping his daughter off. Many times he won't acknowledged those text but he did send her small details and pics of his recent trip, telling her when he has extra work from his second job and other little things going on in his life. I know you can't stop others actions no matter how much you ask them to stop. I told him maybe he needs to be a little more firm and straight forward, but he says he just doesn't respond to her. When I asked why he keeps her in the loop, he says it ease emotions as they are still trying to keep communication open. She just isn't letting go, but he isn't exactly helping remind her that part of their life together is over. When his ex asks him to come to the house to fix things, have dinner, or go to movies, does he go?
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 The 2 youngest live at home with the ex. They were separated when we started dating, divorce took place 3yrs into our relationship..we have been together over 4 years. I just have the sense he isn't completely over her emotionally. They get into explosive arguments in person, by phone and text. She is still wanting to be there for major doctor appointments, business events, going to events such as concerts or sporting events..etc. he doesn't say yes but he doesn't say no either. She sent him a selfie while he was out of town for business and he sent one back. Reading your post and he's other little signs making me realize I don't think he is really emotionally over her. Even though he says my heart belongs to you I'm here with you you're the one I want to be with. It's hurtful. I want him to have a good co-parenting and even friendship with his ex but I don't think he knows where to draw the line and neither does she They just had separated when you met. I am sorry but that's what people get when they date men or women barely out of relationships. You have put up with this for 4 years so why would he change it now? On top of that you dated him for 3 years while he was still married. You have laid yourself at his feet and he didn't hesitate to use you as a carpet. 1
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