Brwniyedlady Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 Hi All, So, I've been going on a few dates with this guy. In the past, if a guy and myself really liked each other we would text frequently throughout the day. With this guy it hasn't happened so much. He does plan dates but more so later in the week. Also, we slept together for the first time this past weekend. I made him stop due to me kind of internally panicking. I think due to the fact that this was the first guy I've slept with since my ex ( we broke up in Nov ), and the fact we had been drinking. I wanted for us to be sober. Didn't seem to bother him too much the next day - he asked me if wanted to go to a show next month. Also, he only seems to show affection to me and tell me how he feels when he's drunk. I guess we don't really bring up that topic unless we had been drinking. Anyways, I guess bottom line is - I kind of want to know where he stands with me. As I don't want to waste his time or mine. I don't want a relationship but I don't do casual sex either. What's something that I could ask that wouldn't scare him away. Thanks!
kidm Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 Hi All, I don't want a relationship but I don't do casual sex either. Thanks! So what is it your looking for? Serious and committed FWB? ha. 6
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 You are unsure of this guys intentions, you are unhappy with his communication, he only shows you affection when he's drunk... But still, you almost had sex with him. You need to decide what you want, if it's casual sex that's fine. But, if you want more than that, you need to really think about this and decide if this is really the guy that you want to date. 2
salparadise Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 (edited) Good grief! I can't tell if you're coming or going, and he probably can't either. So you don't want a relationship, don't want casual sex, but you need to know where he stands with you––WTF for? You had sex but called it quits in mid-stream because you had been drinking, wanted to be sober. Did that sober you up? You want to know how he feels but are concerned that he only tells you when he's been drinking that evil alcohol, and concerned that he plans dates but doesn't text you all day, every day. Right, gotcha. I think you need to simply tell him what you told us... no relationship is possible, but you do want assurances that he's madly into you. You like the dates, but you'd prefer that he text all day every day as well. You only want sober sex, and it can't be casual sex, so he needs to stay sober and act like he's head over heels as you holding him at arms length... and if he does all of this exactly as you prefer, he may get a little nookie sometimes, subject to termination in the middle of the act of course. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to get clarification because he's probably as confused as hell right now. Edited January 22, 2017 by salparadise 4
Author Brwniyedlady Posted January 22, 2017 Author Posted January 22, 2017 Yeah - I know I'm all over the place. I don't even know if I even know what I want. Haha. Probably need to figure that out
BaileyB Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 Yeah - I know I'm all over the place. I don't even know if I even know what I want. Haha. Probably need to figure that out Um, yeah! Do what you want... But really, you have no business sleeping with someone you hardly know if you don't even know what you want. That's how you get yourself into trouble... Be smart! 1
mikeylo Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 Yeah - I know I'm all over the place. I don't even know if I even know what I want. Haha. Probably need to figure that out Lol! In that case , take it very slow.
Jj66 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 The things you want seem incompatible on the surface but when I look deeper here is what I see you might be saying... You want sex with someone who cares about you. It doesn't have to be in the confines of a loving committed relationship, in fact you don't think you are ready for that level of seriousness, but you want to know you are not just a random piece of tail to him. 1
Author Brwniyedlady Posted January 22, 2017 Author Posted January 22, 2017 Jj bingo!! So how do I bring this type of conversation up with him, without coming across as desperate or needy. I think I've done a pretty good job of not coming across that way to him so far. But I know dudes hate these type of conversations. Maybe start with apologizing for stopping mid way?
Redhead14 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 Jj bingo!! So how do I bring this type of conversation up with him, without coming across as desperate or needy. I think I've done a pretty good job of not coming across that way to him so far. But I know dudes hate these type of conversations. Maybe start with apologizing for stopping mid way? You make a statement about what your dating goals are -- "You know, Xname, I am hoping to have a long-term, committed relationship for myself. What are you looking for? And, then let him talk. If he says he is only dating casually, you two aren't on the same page to start with. If he says he dating for a relationship, you sit back and observe how he dates you. If he's consistent with communication, schedules regular dates, doesn't call last minute, etc., he will at least be demonstrating sincerity. And, you aren't telling him you know you want this with him. Just stating what you're looking for overall. without coming across as desperate or needy -- It really helps if you actually aren't . . . You need to be clear in your own head about what you want and need before you have this conversation too. You need to get centered and focused on YOU and your needs/goals. You can't be wishy-washy or inconsistent. 1
ThisisIt606 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 From how you say "no relationship" and "no casual sex". It SEEMS as though you want to date and "see where it goes". That seems to be a good way to go about dating so you aren't putting too much pressure or pushing for a relationship up front. You could very well want relationship, but soon find out the guy you are dating is cr*p and realize you don't mesh well. By "seeing where things go" still gives you that out early on so you're not stuck in a relationship with a nut. So just think about what you want... act in a way that enforces what you want, and also mimic his leads at the beginning of the relationship. Don't over text him if he's not a huge texter.
smackie9 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. You shouldn't have to "have a discussion" on how you would like things to go with someone you have only a few dates with. This guy isn't the type you are looking for, I suggest you keep looking. I think that is your best bet.
leogirl876 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 You don't want a relationship but don't want casual sex....so what do you want? That makes no sense at all. A serious, committed FWB? A serious committed booty call that you see on a regular basis? You've got to get clear on what you want and then decide if this guy is right for you or not.
smackie9 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 I think I understand...you want to be dating exclusively and see where it goes...hopefully develop into something serious down the road, just not rushing into things that is all. This guy and his drinking doesn't sit well with me....someone that has to be impaired in order to interact is a fail in my books. TBH this isn't the guy for you.....remember you don't have to commit to the first guy that comes along after your breakup. 1
salparadise Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 (edited) Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. You shouldn't have to "have a discussion" on how you would like things to go with someone you have only a few dates with. This guy isn't the type you are looking for, I suggest you keep looking. I think that is your best bet. ––––––– I think I understand...you want to be dating exclusively and see where it goes...hopefully develop into something serious down the road, just not rushing into things that is all. This guy and his drinking doesn't sit well with me....someone that has to be impaired in order to interact is a fail in my books. TBH this isn't the guy for you.....remember you don't have to commit to the first guy that comes along after your breakup. Smackie, where do you get enough information to be ragging on the guy? So he doesn't text her all day long, and they imbibe a bit. She didn't say they were getting smashed all the time, and apparently she's imbibing at the same time. She just wants to be pursued for validation. She doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want casual sex (which adds up to - doesn't want sex or a relationship), and it doesn't count if he says affectionate things when they've been drinking. All she wants is to hear professions of undying love while she feigns demure and plays avoidant. That's it. Dead end for what seems like a sincere guy. Edited January 22, 2017 by salparadise 1
Pill Posted January 23, 2017 Posted January 23, 2017 You don't want a relationship but don't want casual sex....so what do you want? That makes no sense at all. A serious, committed FWB? A serious committed booty call that you see on a regular basis? You've got to get clear on what you want and then decide if this guy is right for you or not. Sounds like she wants to be chased without giving anything up. The break up probably wrecked her self esteem now she's looking for validation. 1
Author Brwniyedlady Posted January 23, 2017 Author Posted January 23, 2017 Yep you're accurate on that as well. My ex cheated on me and was checked out of the relationship heck probably the whole time. Extremely afraid of getting hurt and am just not ready for something serious. I wouldn't be opposed to meeting someone - but we would just have to take things super slow.
Author Brwniyedlady Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 Soo I haven't heard from him since Sunday. We were talking about the concert we're going to in Feb, and he showed me his fitness progress that night lol. Random. Would it be appropriate to ask him how he feels about me? Apologize for stopping mid way during our hook up?
Jj66 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies. Let him be the one to show you how he feels. From reading this thread, I would say not much. Never apologize unless you feel you did something wrong. I can't tell you how you feel, but I don't think you did anything to warrant an apology.
Pill Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies. Let him be the one to show you how he feels. From reading this thread, I would say not much. Never apologize unless you feel you did something wrong. I can't tell you how you feel, but I don't think you did anything to warrant an apology.it's not proper manners to just up and stop in the middle of sex.
strawberryshortstack Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 it's not proper manners to just up and stop in the middle of sex. Manners are irrelevant when it comes to giving/rescinding consent for sexual acts. A woman (or man) has the right to change her mind at any point - before, during, or after (for subsequent dates) sex. Is it polite? No, but it's her right, and she owes no one an apology for it.
Author Brwniyedlady Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 Hey everyone - so this is what I texted him today and his response. Let me know your thoughts. Me:Hey there! Hope you're having a good Tuesday. So, this has been weighing on me for the past day or so. But I just wanted to get your thoughts on Saturday night? I apologize for stopping mid way while we were hooking up. I honestly kind of panicked a little bit cause we were drunk and I felt like we were having casual sex, and that's not what I'm looking for. I am not necessarily looking for something serious, but more so someone I get along with and has the potential to grow into something more. I think you're attractive and I have a good time with you. Hope that we are on the same page. I promise I'm not trying to have this super awkward conversation. I just don't want to be "that girl" His response: Sorry I'm moving I just got all my stuff. You're not "that girl". I'm not looking for anything serious I want to stay single for a while because I have never been single for more than a couple months at a time ever. But I do enjoy hanging it with you a lot. Is this just a nice way of him letting me down? Or are we on the same page?
Redhead14 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Hey everyone - so this is what I texted him today and his response. Let me know your thoughts. Me:Hey there! Hope you're having a good Tuesday. So, this has been weighing on me for the past day or so. But I just wanted to get your thoughts on Saturday night? I apologize for stopping mid way while we were hooking up. I honestly kind of panicked a little bit cause we were drunk and I felt like we were having casual sex, and that's not what I'm looking for. I am not necessarily looking for something serious, but more so someone I get along with and has the potential to grow into something more. I think you're attractive and I have a good time with you. Hope that we are on the same page. I promise I'm not trying to have this super awkward conversation. I just don't want to be "that girl" His response: Sorry I'm moving I just got all my stuff. You're not "that girl". I'm not looking for anything serious I want to stay single for a while because I have never been single for more than a couple months at a time ever. But I do enjoy hanging it with you a lot. Is this just a nice way of him letting me down? Or are we on the same page? It couldn't be clearer that he is not interested in dating you seriously or regularly. He probably would be fine with occasional casual sex though . . .
Author Brwniyedlady Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 Would the easy let down still hold true if he just got out of a serious relationship?
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