LDRbear Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 Hello, for the sake of some anonymity and a shorter passage I am leaving out some detail. I went abroad for school to a country that does not speak English as its local language. Here I met my boyfriend of the last year and a half (he is in his early thirties and I am in my late 20s). It started out like a fairy tale and he said he'd never leave me. After a year together he asked me to move in while we looked at nicer/bigger places that could be ours together. While living together he seemed to expect me to clean and cook and buy groceries. The decision had been that since I'm a student at the moment I'd buy groceries and home supplies solely, instead of paying rent (which actually ends up costing more than half the rent anyways (rent is cheap in this city)) we began having troubles because he seemed to expect me to do all the house stuff since he works full time and also disagreements about me not being sure I want kinds(and he really wants them like now). I thought it was fair to do most of the house work for now since he’s at work all day even though I am a full time MA student and also have school work. Disagreements happened and I constantly felt unheard and blamed. yeah it wasn't supposed to be such a huge issue about cleaning I was just worried that this would become the trend for forever: that he expected me to do it for him. It also made it worse when I did do these things like cook and clean for him and when he got home many times he would make passive aggressive comments insinuating that i am lazy. He actually did use the words "lazy" and "you" in the same sentence many times many different days. It was sort of a slap in the face. And also I am not used to so much home maintenance. He's a the kind of guy that uses a new glass each time he gets water and a new towel every time he showers so yeah it was surprisingly a lot considering it was just us two. I also don't usually eat much or have dinner(usually just one meal a day for me) so the cooking was mainly for him and he really did not seem to appreciate it so it was another sort of slap in the face. I thought about moving out but thought that would just cause more problems and felt we should just work on things. He ended up asking me to move out after only 6 weeks living together. He suggested it would only be temporary until we cooled down. I agreed. Since I can't speak the language and people are a little weird renting to foreigners, I had a really hard time finding something and it was way more money than I had thought since I the plan for me to stay in country was to live with him. He was really uncaring while this happened and I felt alone like the door had been locked on me and I was standing outside in a blizzard/ like he didn’t care about my safety, yet he wanted to stay together and he expected me to behave nicely (also insinuating that I would need to prove that I would not argue anymore before he wanted to live together again). He did not sympathize and instead blamed it on my being argumentative when we did live together. I just say that I didn't think it was fair for me to always keep my mouth shut when I think the way he treats me, or acts is unfair. And when he ignores me or refuses to compromise, I tend to yell. It's been 5 months and he still does not want to live together. Since I moved out the relationship has blown up and is basically destroyed. I just constantly feel rejected and ignored. The things that happened had been things that I thought we could get past but i guess he was just grumpy and maybe it was not even those things that caused him to be grumpy, it was something else for him. But I did not see it coming (that he would ask me to move out) at all. I was still at this point, over the moon and the most in love I had ever been with him. And when he did ask me to move put, he said it was because he wanted to save our relationship and that maybe we had moved in too soon. I think that since we were already living together we should just work through things that became an issue. In the end I don't think it was the cleaning or arguments it was the resentment and lost trust caused by the move out. That caused even more problems and wedged a gap between us. Each week that passes makes me resent him more. And we spend the night together basically every night but it is more difficult/uncomfortable since our things are at our own separate places. And we live 30 minutes away from each other. He didn't apologize until I basically begged him to apologize about having me move out (which meant it didn't feel like an apology) and he does not take any/much fault for our problems. Just recently he did finally admit to expecting too much from me( I waited 5 months for that admittance). He also makes no plans to move in together. He keeps saying he wants to have kids with me but then I think "how could I have kids with someone who made me move out, does not want to live with me, won't forgive or apologize" and who put me in such a crappy situation to where I do not feel safe with him. I'm finishing school now and think it will be a challenge to find work since I'm still not good at the language. So now I'm just thinking of leaving and breaking up/moving on. I'm not sure how others would respond in my position? He's a really great guy. Adorable, sweet, responsible, successful and attractive. Everything I could have hoped for but I'm a modern woman and it seems like he just wants someone that's more of a housewife even though he denies that when I suggest it. He says women have a certain place and men another. I cherish the relationship we had but after these last months it is so much more different/unfun. I've worked hard and have an advanced degree (he does too) and definitely plan to find a great job but he doesn't seem to support that(my life goals) nor believe that I want to pay my own way. Even though he seems to have traditional views on gender roles he does not want to support me, pay for dinner open doors etc which I find contradictory. Since I am a modern women that would be more fine but since he's expecting more domestic things from me it just makes me think he wants his cake and eat it too. During most of our relationship it was smooth sailing and i really had no need to talk to anyone about problems. The things that happened shortly after moving in actually came out of nowhere for me. I really didn't think the arguments were such a big deal. But I guess in his family they don't argue, in mine it's reallly not a big problem and you just get over it. When he did start acting grumpy and finally asked me to move out I was so shocked and too embarrassed to talk to anyone. When I finally did talk to my family my parents urged me (and still do to this day) to make it work with him. They really liked him. My siblings were back and forth and friends are the same age as me and know me so I wasn't sure if their support was so unbiased but they didn't like what was happening. I actually did not have any friends here when I moved in with him, I had no one. Since my program took me abroad a lot.. I didn't get to know this country so well. He also just seems to see the situation at the moment and doesn't have faith in the future and of us growing together.. or so it seems. I always had faith we'd work through things but how he is acting with the living together or staying apart really makes me dislike him. Also, I did make a lot of sacrifices. I got an internship in the country when I was able to get one anywhere in the world because he wanted me close, and ironically kicked me out even before it started. I was in the country for this chunk of time to be here for him when I could have gone home to save money and have some down time. I also took an expensive language class because I figured I would need to invest in the local language to make a life here with him. Now I am here fore him and we live separately. It just seems stupid. So the questions are: Has anyone been asked to move out before? What would you think if you were in this situation? Am I expecting too much? Do I just need to accept that we aren’t living together? Is he acting in a way that is stubborn or immature? Is it selfish? Is the fact that he still does not want to live together fair? And should I still be patient that he could compromise more in the future? Is there some growing up to do here?
Jersey born raised Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 He wants to marry a cheerful uncomplaining maid, a prostitute, a nanny, and a uterus all at no charge. Hey great deal for him, not so much for you. With him take this folk wisdom to the bank: when a woman marries she marries a man he will change and they will build a wonderful future together. When a man marries he knows his wife will never change. Both are doomed to failed expectations, she will will not, End it, share that pearl of wisdom and walk away.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 OP, I also live abroad. I very much understand the isolation and vulnerability you're describing, as I too met a guy when I first moved here and I felt so much better knowing a local, and having him as a support. He turned out to be the most toxic boyfriend of my life. I felt awful when I knew it was ending and I would be here on my own (even though I had come on my own to begin with!) And it completely made me question my ability to remain abroad alone, to do this all on my own. Though I never moved in with him, I had grown to rely on him for a number of different things from bureaucratic problems to simple translation. He was my connection to the local people, language and culture. But I am so grateful now that it ended and he's not in my life anymore. From that, I really learned to stand on my own two feet here. It wasn't easy but it was so worth it. I pushed myself to learn the language as much as I could, and 4 years later, I'm of course still learning. I made a concerted effort to build up my own friendship group, both with locals and other expats. In doing so, I have found great support. I no longer feel reliant on any one person. I tell you all of this because I recognize the fear you are describing. I know what you mean when you say you feel rejected and isolated. But take it from me - stay away from him. He is not looking for the type of relationship you are. You are stronger than you think. You have to try to detach from him and create your own happiness. PM me if you want to talk more. It sounds like we have a lot in common!
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