xfacto Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Well i have been dating this woman(24) since about 3 months ago, I(24 male) like her a lot. Before she was dating me, she was my best friend. At one point she was in a relationship with someone else, and he hated me. Constantly insulting me, saying how i was hitting on her(and trust me I wasn't, i did my best to not do that), and saying that she liked me the whole time she was dating him. They eventually break up, not for that reason, but because he didn't have a drive in life. Well for the first time we were single at the same time, i started looking at her differently, and so i ask her out. its goes great for the first month, i mean a few bumps but really really tiny arguments that lasted maybe 10 minutes. Then all the sudden her ex shows up at her place, unannounced. He starts asking to get back together with her and she is like no, I do not want to. then she comes to my place and then goes back to her place and im with her, and he is still there! five hours later. He told her he read her diary where she confessed feelings for me, and that he was right all along and stormed off. So she had a talk with me about him, saying how he is ridiculous and mad as hell he read her diary, and she doesn't want me to think she wants him at all. And she doesn't, she gave him a firm as heck NO. then a few weeks go by, and she sees a text from him, asking "why you don't want to be with me?", "im sorry i read your diary i was wrong", all that and she gave him a firm no again and "don't talk to me." then me and her start getting in fights, like she gets mad over everything im doing, and i ask whats going on. She says she doesn't know, she then talks to her sister and my girlfriend comes back to me and says "i think i feel bad about dating you because of my whole ex situation, he really messed with me mentally" and I said i understand but the past is the past, she then said she needed closure with him... and I was thinking okay thats fine. but the more I thought about it, the more mad I got. Are started thinking "whats the point? Why? you dated this guy, you know what he is going to say, why do you want to know why he texted you?!" really negative thoughts, but i just held it in(which was bad, should have said something). So she went to go have a talk with him, and it lasted 5 hours. for the first time in my life, I got mad as heck at girlfriend talking to an ex. The conversation went well apparently and she says he is not a bad guy(i beg to differ). So i'm even more irrationally mad, so i talk to friend and she says I'm being selfish for being mad, and another one says I understand why your mad. Idk she is still with me, why am i so upset over this? Why can't i get over this right now? I know its not fair for me to get upset over it, but I am and I feel like crying and I genuinely do not know why, can someone help me out here to know what i'm feeling?
umirano Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 You're mad because it looks like your GF entered a relationship with you before she was ready. While your anger is explicable it isn't helping. What you need to do now is to make sure she's either fully committed to you and the new relationship or to break up with her if she's not. 3
Author xfacto Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 You're mad because it looks like your GF entered a relationship with you before she was ready. While your anger is explicable it isn't helping. What you need to do now is to make sure she's either fully committed to you and the new relationship or to break up with her if she's not.damn thats it, thats freaking it, can't believe i found the answer. lol how exactly do i deal with this? I feel she is committed to me, but i'm just bothered by the whole situation, i can't just like start over and start dating her now.
Satu Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 From my journals: Getting back on the horse "Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before. Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before. By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future. The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if the breakup was particularly traumatic.. 'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do." Take care. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 OP, you were well within your rights to be upset. Your girlfriend hasn't been enforcing appropriate boundaries with her ex at all. There should be no need to have a closure talk at this point, let alone one that drags on for five hours. The day he read her diary - I'm assuming she let him into her place? And left him alone there while she came to see you? That is also very inappropriate to me, if that's in fact what happened. I think you are upset because it seems like your girlfriend still wants to talk to him. In other words, she might not be over him. How long was she single before she started dating you? 1
Author xfacto Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 OP, you were well within your rights to be upset. Your girlfriend hasn't been enforcing appropriate boundaries with her ex at all. There should be no need to have a closure talk at this point, let alone one that drags on for five hours. The day he read her diary - I'm assuming she let him into her place? And left him alone there while she came to see you? That is also very inappropriate to me, if that's in fact what happened. I think you are upset because it seems like your girlfriend still wants to talk to him. In other words, she might not be over him. How long was she single before she started dating you?she broke up with him mid august, and I started dating her in halloween
JS84 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 It sounds like you're in a rebound relationship. 1
preraph Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Of course you are annoyed with this. Anyone would be. And it happens all too often, but it happens and it's beyond our power to control what they do and we can only decide if we want to go through it and hang in there setting crappy precedents or not. I dated some separated guys and always had to go through this kind of crap. I would finally get fed up with it when it seemed to me they were enjoying it too much, having two women pulling on them. Where I fall on it is this, and this is just me: If they are not enjoying it and let it go on anyway, I see them as gutless and no boundaries and that disgusts me. If they enjoy it at all, and most of them seem to, then I don't need to be involved if they aren't focused on me. I have actually had two separated men who divorced tell me "I can't imagine never sleeping with my wife again." Men and women are a little different that way, though. With women, sex may be the very thing they will never do with him again, while remaining friends and coddling him and using him for a travel pillow. You let her know where your boundaries are on this. After all he's done to try to pry you apart, you have every right to tell her to block him or you're leaving. If she doesn't think you care, she will just keep doing this probably. You do that now and remind her that's why you went along with the "closure." Because you want him OUT. I don't know what your turnstile is, but mine is if someone isn't focused on me, I'm insulted that they're wasting my time. Wherever you draw the line, tell her about that. Don't let her think you're cool with this continuing in any fashion. 1
smackie9 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 What I see is two little boys fighting over a prize. You are upset because YOU WERE THAT GUY waiting in the wings, now that the tables are turned he is THAT GUY and you know it.....so how does it feel buddy. It doesn't matter that you didn't make a move on her back when they were together, you had intent/motivation, you were an orbiter, hoping she would notice you instead. I know you were carefully manipulating your way into her heart without detection. Her ex wasn't stupid he knew what you were doing so he had every right to hate you. You ain't no innocent. You are making it as he is the enemy, well you were the enemy too when they were together, so I have no sympathy for your situation at all. The only mistake she made was getting together with you only after a few months after the breakup. I suggest you give her lots of space to sort her emotions out, because if you keep pulling something is going to break and you will lose her forever.
Author xfacto Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 What I see is two little boys fighting over a prize. You are upset because YOU WERE THAT GUY waiting in the wings, now that the tables are turned he is THAT GUY and you know it.....so how does it feel buddy. It doesn't matter that you didn't make a move on her back when they were together, you had intent/motivation, you were an orbiter, hoping she would notice you instead. I know you were carefully manipulating your way into her heart without detection. Her ex wasn't stupid he knew what you were doing so he had every right to hate you. You ain't no innocent. You are making it as he is the enemy, well you were the enemy too when they were together, so I have no sympathy for your situation at all. The only mistake she made was getting together with you only after a few months after the breakup. I suggest you give her lots of space to sort her emotions out, because if you keep pulling something is going to break and you will lose her forever. thats a lot of assumptions you just made, but i never not once looked at her liked that when we weren't dating. The minute he felt uncomfortable with us hanging out, i stopped hanging out with her, cold turkey. Straight up, did not look at her with any intent. In fact I was dating someone and very much infatuated with her. me and my girlfriend started being friends again after they broke up. my girlfriend actually intentionally came up to me in late September and asked to date me, and guess what? I said no, i wasn't interested, i just didn't feel for her that way that she felt for me. Then I grew into my feelings for her and i asked her out. I probably should have clarified this, but the dude she dated had some made jealously problem. He didnt even like when she went to a concert and was looking at the singer and they got into a fight about it apparently. Do I understand why he doesn't like me? Absolutely, do I still think he is jerk for reading her diary, saying awful racist things to her like "typical angry black woman" and many more horrible things like that? Yes, yes i do.
kendahke Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Idk she is still with me, why am i so upset over this? Why can't i get over this right now? I know its not fair for me to get upset over it, but I am and I feel like crying and I genuinely do not know why, can someone help me out here to know what i'm feeling? Well, #1--she's messy. #2-- she never blocked him. #3--she continues to give him an audience and allows him to get in touch with her to work on her head--and she's getting something out of that--if she wasn't, she wouldn't do it. #4--she's too busy trying to be "nice" and to minimize the damage her moving on with you has caused him instead of telling him to back the eff out of her life forever and stay gone. I'd be upset too, if the person I was with refused to declare for me and walk in that truth. I dont' believe you are being selfish at all. She's talking out of both sides of her face. Don't be surprised if the next thing out of her mouth is "I'm so confused". Only people who are giving someone space in their intimacy--who don't belong there--while attempting to hold onto someone else get confused. I'd back out of her life altogether. For me, the fact that she's spending time with him like she is tells me she's not done with him and it's going to be a wrestling match between you and him. Question is: do you want to be a part of this level of messiness? 3
kendahke Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 how exactly do i deal with this? I feel she is committed to me, . Stop trying to convince yourself of this. She isn't. Her ex would have absolutely no audience with her if she was committed to you. She made a choice to let him back in and didn't really care how it made you feel. 3
smackie9 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 He's a desperate man in love......love can make one cray cray. 3
spiderowl Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 I can understand why you feel upset. Your girlfriend finished with this guy and yet she needs 'closure'? Like you, I would have thought 'what closure, it's over'? She felt like she had unfinished business of some sort. Maybe he was pestering her and she felt she had to clarify things for him so he would not do that any more. It could be a positive thing her sorting this out. However, I can also see that if a relationship is completely over, it does not make sense to seek closure. She also went and talked to him without you agreeing to it, so she went against your will. Going against your will is not necessarily a bad thing. You surely want a girlfriend who has a mind of her own and stands up for herself, who will not be dominated? Yes, it must have hurt when she displayed her independence of thought. Is it a breach of your mutual understanding and trust though? Hard to tell. I think you need to see how this plays out a bit more. If she seeks to communicate with him further or needs more closure, then yes I think you have cause for concern. She is still emotionally entangled with him in some way. Whatever the situation, it is possible for someone to genuinely love more than one person. As long as you are the one who has priority in her life, this guy isn't necessarily a threat to your relationship, even if she still has some emotional connection with him. It should only be minor and weak though. 2
Author xfacto Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 Well for an update on this, I thought about it a lot, and the fact that it was still in my head and couldn't stop thinking about it, I felt it was best for me to move on. When I told i was breaking up with her, I tried to be as grown up and mature as possible. I told her "I felt you aren't ready for this relationship, I feel you still have some wounds you need to take care of, I know you wouldn't cheat on me, but the fact that you needed closure in the middle of this relationship, not even at the beginning, and the fact that it cause problems with us, I just can't be with someone thats not 100 percent committed to me. I feel you need to take some time for yourself " she was defiantly upset, saying things like "I really disagree with you I already took the necessary time, I can't lose you" But I just felt this was the right decision right now. So yea... feel really bad though :/ 2
Miss Spider Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 (edited) I think you did the right thing and handled it maturely. She was on some bull about needing "closure" with an ex but had no feelings for him while she has a new bf. Sorry it didn't work out, though. Edited January 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Poutrew Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 You did the right thing. You said she was upset but how you described her behavior shows she wasn't upset at all - merely put out. She is going to get back with her old boyfriend. Do you think that all they did for 5 hours is 'talk'? There is a reason she wasn't upset any more - he banged her. If you stayed in the picture, she would be cheating with him. Now she doesn't have to. And you can find a woman who is into you completely. Good luck. 1
kendahke Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Well for an update on this, I thought about it a lot, and the fact that it was still in my head and couldn't stop thinking about it, I felt it was best for me to move on. When I told i was breaking up with her, I tried to be as grown up and mature as possible. I told her "I felt you aren't ready for this relationship, I feel you still have some wounds you need to take care of, I know you wouldn't cheat on me, but the fact that you needed closure in the middle of this relationship, not even at the beginning, and the fact that it cause problems with us, I just can't be with someone thats not 100 percent committed to me. I feel you need to take some time for yourself " she was defiantly upset, saying things like "I really disagree with you I already took the necessary time, I can't lose you" But I just felt this was the right decision right now. So yea... feel really bad though :/ You did the right thing and don't let her or anyone else tell you differently. If you were her priority, as you said, she wouldn't still be giving an audience to an ex. And she lost you the minute she ok'd it with herself to take his first phone call. No, what she meant was that she couldn't lose the attention of a second man. If she could stand to lose the attention, the ex wouldn't even been able to get through to her on her cell phone. It's hard, but the adjustment will right itself and you will now know how to spot behavior that doesn't comport with what someone is saying. You are now further along the curve than most people who choose to live in denial and end up getting really, really hurt. But know that you stood up for what you needed with someone who is unwilling to provide it and who, instead, would rather gaslight you than admit the truth, even to herself. That's complete messiness there. Go easy with yourself. This is new to you, but it will build your confidence in the future to not settle for less than what you feel you deserve-and you deserve so much better than she's given you.
Poutrew Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 she was defiantly upset, saying things like "I really disagree with you I already took the necessary time, I can't lose you" But I just felt this was the right decision right now. So yea... feel really bad though :/ So what did she say when you asked her what they 'talked' about for 5 hours? All I know is that if I had 5 hours with a girl at the right time of the month, I could create my entire family - marriage, 3 kids, and a dog to curl up near the fireplace. The only thing that would take longer than 5 hours is to buy the house with the white picket fence in the front (escrow takes at least 2 -4 weeks)...
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