lizzieb Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Hi need some advised on whether I should move on from this guy. Cause I'm thinking of dropping him before waisting my time. So I met this guy from online dating. Really nice guy though, I can have really cool deep conversations. He wants to see me tomorrow, this our third date. I asked him what he was looking for. He stated that he was looking for friendship first and than see what happens after that. He stated that he does want to be married and have kids now that he is older. I'm looking to date and be in a relationship. I was getting bored of him texting me. He takes sometimes 3-4 hours to text back sometimes. So I told him, that he should call me. He stated that he doesnt feel comfortable talking on the phone. Even though on the second date I went to his place, talked for hours and left but yet is uncomfortable to talk on the phone. Should I drop this guy and if I should what should I say to him?
basil67 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 It depends on how important phone conversation is to you. If you're local and could see each other regularly, I'm not sure that phoning each other is vitally important. 3
Author lizzieb Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 It depends on how important phone conversation is to you. If you're local and could see each other regularly, I'm not sure that phoning each other is vitally important. It's not like I want to talk on the phone all the time. Texting does get boring. I've only seen him on the weekends. Cause he is busy with his job and my schedule too is not very good for the weekdays. I do believe talking on the phone you get to hear the persons tone of voice. Get to be more emotional connected as well. You get to have full conversations than having short texts that are sometimes meaningless. 1
Alamo657 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 So what you're saying is that an otherwise great guy will soon be single because he can't talk on the phone ? This is so shallow...
Author lizzieb Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 So what you're saying is that an otherwise great guy will soon be single because he can't talk on the phone ? This is so shallow... How is it shallow of me of wanting to hear someones voice and have a conversation to connect with over the phone. We are not in a relationship. 1
Author lizzieb Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 (edited) It is not shallow. It is a red flag recognition. Not talking on the phone is either shady or antisocial. Red flag either case. Thank you! I actually called him this week cause an emergency happened to him. So I called him to ask him if everything was ok. He talked to me fine on the phone. Yet when I texted him, hey call me. It's Friday night, I just got out of work. Do I wanna sit and wait for a text, when Im tired. I just wanna catch up for 30 minutes, set up for the next date. Be done, no need to be texting 3 hours for 4 messages only. He comes up with that lame excuse. It was such a turn off and a bumber. On to the next than. Edited January 21, 2017 by lizzieb 1
mightycpa Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Oh, I get it. He prefers texting to phone conversations? I missed that in your first post. Yeah, I don't know if it's shady or whatever else anybody called it, but it's definitely not me. My preferences, in order: To touch To see To hear To read Texting is great for communicating information, but it is no substitute for communicating. 1
Shining One Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Oh, I get it. He prefers texting to phone conversations? I missed that in your first post. Yeah, I don't know if it's shady or whatever else anybody called it, but it's definitely not me. My preferences, in order: To touch To see To hear To read Texting is great for communicating information, but it is no substitute for communicating.Here's my communication preference order. 1) In-person 2) Good Voice Call (Properly implemented VOIP solution or POTS line) 3) Text/Email/Messenger 4) Cell Phone Call OP, believe it or not, some people just don't like talking on cell phones.
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Say, " I think you're awesome, but I'm looking for someone who is willing to talk on the phone [your requirement]. If you can't do that, I don't think we're a good match." Cringe at the absurdity of what you said and wait for a response. If he says he can and he does, keep dating him. If he says he can't, move on.
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 lol! I'm totally on board with you he's shady as can be. I dated a guy nearly rendered mute by anxiety and social awkwardness and he talked on the phone. But OP probably wants to give ol boy a chance.
basil67 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 OP, you don't have to sell me on the benefits of talking on the phone. I'm old and it's what I'm used to. The reason I asked about how often you see each other is because if you're seeing each other every second day, it's probably not necessary. But as you can only see him on weekends, I can understand it being a problem.
Shining One Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 So I told him, that he should call me. He stated that he doesnt feel comfortable talking on the phone.I think you should ask him to elaborate on his discomfort. It can be any number of reasons that we haven't considered in this thread. Perhaps it can be addressed, perhaps not. Only you can determine if it's worth delving into or not.
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 (edited) Maybe he does have a legitimate reason for not wanting to talk on the phone. Maybe I'm wrong but "uncomfortable" itself makes it sound like an anxiety issue.? Which you would see a little of in person.. Unless it's anxiety limited to telephone communication.... like a traumatic experience. Sounds shady to me...llong replies, won't talk on the phone at all,even briefly. I loathe talking on the phone too but when they guy I like calls I pick up. I say "I'll let you go..." I'd look more into his other behavior besides telephone communication, as Basil said. Edited January 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough
SolG Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Woman here. I actually empathise with your guy. I HATE talking on the phone with anyone I'm not really close to, or for work. Someone I'd been on three dates with certainly would not yet tick my I'm comfortable to talk on the phone with box. I'm an introvert and I can't stand small talk. And that's inevitably what phons calls end up being when ypu don't know someone well. For an actual conversation with meaning for me voice only doesn't cut it. When I don't know someone well yet, I need a richer medium for real communication; eyes, body language, etc to fully understand and engage. I would be exactly like your bf at such an early juncture. Texts for the routine catch up stuff, and in person until I know someone well enough that I've got the full vibe of how they communicate and can reliably infer from voice alone. When I can actually 'see' what they're saying because I know them well enough. A happy medium I find is Skype. Have a glass of wine after work together 'face to face'. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 (edited) Hi need some advised on whether I should move on from this guy. Cause I'm thinking of dropping him before waisting my time. So I met this guy from online dating. Really nice guy though, I can have really cool deep conversations. He wants to see me tomorrow, this our third date. I asked him what he was looking for. He stated that he was looking for friendship first and than see what happens after that. He stated that he does want to be married and have kids now that he is older. I'm looking to date and be in a relationship. I was getting bored of him texting me. He takes sometimes 3-4 hours to text back sometimes. So I told him, that he should call me. He stated that he doesnt feel comfortable talking on the phone. Even though on the second date I went to his place, talked for hours and left but yet is uncomfortable to talk on the phone. Should I drop this guy and if I should what should I say to him? You two are not on the same dating goals page. This guy told you he's looking for friendship first and see what happens. That is code for "I don't want a relationship. I want a casual dating scenario that includes sex for as long as you will do that. I'll let you string yourself along . . ." He stated that he does want to be married and have kids now that he is older. -- Then that's what he should be saying is his dating goal. Not giving a the caveat he gave above. Developing a "relationship" via texting only isn't good. And, I'd say this guy has low interest anyway, because since he prefers texting, you'd think he be a little better at responding. He's not only bad about talking on the phone, he's bad with texting too. You went to his house on the 2nd date? Even if nothing happened, you put yourself in an unsafe position. He's virtual stranger. That's not smart. And, I also wonder that if another possible reason for him to prefer texting is that he has a girlfriend and can't talk on the phone, which also explains why he doesn't respond in a timely manner. I'd move on from this one, there are two many questions and ambiguity about his intentions, interest and availability. Edited January 21, 2017 by Redhead14 1
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 The reality is, lots of people who have grown up texting on their phones have not developed the skills or the ability to be comfortable talking on the phone. If you live nearby, talking on the phone may not be essential. I think the bigger issue is the fact that he doesn't respond when you contact him. Perhaps you should, if you chose to have a relationship with this guy, discuss your expectations in terms of communication. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to get back to you within a reasonable time frame, whether that is by text or phone. 1
Jj66 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 (edited) I don't like talking on the phone. Never have. Never will. But I still do it. My gf is a busy professional who lives over an hour away so we will never be able to see each as much as we might want unless one of us moves. We do a lot of texting, but text lacks the warmth of voice communication, so I grit my teeth, face my phone-o-phobia and call her. We usually only talk 5 or 10 minutes unless we have something to talk about. I like the sound of her voice and I think it helps us stay close when we are apart. Edited January 21, 2017 by Jj66 1
Author lizzieb Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 You two are not on the same dating goals page. This guy told you he's looking for friendship first and see what happens. That is code for "I don't want a relationship. I want a casual dating scenario that includes sex for as long as you will do that. I'll let you string yourself along . . ." He stated that he does want to be married and have kids now that he is older. -- Then that's what he should be saying is his dating goal. Not giving a the caveat he gave above. Developing a "relationship" via texting only isn't good. And, I'd say this guy has low interest anyway, because since he prefers texting, you'd think he be a little better at responding. He's not only bad about talking on the phone, he's bad with texting too. You went to his house on the 2nd date? Even if nothing happened, you put yourself in an unsafe position. He's virtual stranger. That's not smart. And, I also wonder that if another possible reason for him to prefer texting is that he has a girlfriend and can't talk on the phone, which also explains why he doesn't respond in a timely manner. I'd move on from this one, there are two many questions and ambiguity about his intentions, interest and availability. Thank you, your post helped a lot. It's true, I shouldn't have gone to his place at all. Even though, nothing happened he didn't go for a kiss or anything. Still not a very good idea. Yes the situation between him and me are not very clear, specially his intentions. I'll be letting him know tonight, if he does text me. Cause like I said he asked me out tonight, didn't put a time frame. So not gonna waste my time. 1
SwordofFlame Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 As a guy in the millennial generation. I grew up texting. I don't enjoy conversing on the phone with anyone. Be it work, friends, or family. I can do it, but much prefer to schedule the call in advance. I'm an introvert, it takes a lot of brain power to keep a conversation going and that's why I don't like taking unexpected calls. Cause then I have to drop what I'm doing and focus on the call. I'm not one of those people that can just chat away on the phone mindlessly while watching TV.
Author lizzieb Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 As a guy in the millennial generation. I grew up texting. I don't enjoy conversing on the phone with anyone. Be it work, friends, or family. I can do it, but much prefer to schedule the call in advance. I'm an introvert, it takes a lot of brain power to keep a conversation going and that's why I don't like taking unexpected calls. Cause then I have to drop what I'm doing and focus on the call. I'm not one of those people that can just chat away on the phone mindlessly while watching TV. I understand that though, I'm an introvert. When your asking for my time, I'm spending hours talking to you face to face on a date. Which is taxing on my energy. Yet you can't do one phone call or even attempt to do the same for me. We have a problem though. You take 3-4 hours sometimes to reply with a basic answer. Not very meaningfull at all and I feel like I'm not connecting with you. Not everyone is going to a be a phone person, when you like someone you go miles to do something that might be uncomfortable. Either way it showed he is not the into me.
Author lizzieb Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 **UPDATE** So I ended it with him, via text since he is so umfortable with the idea of being called. He was cool with it, meaning was not into me or not wantint to express himself. Which was a bummer cause we connect in a deep intellectual conversation which is my type of tea. What sucks his emotional IQ is super low. The good thing is I have more dates lined up. 1
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