Lucy44 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for a year now, and recently he has started calling me names when we fight. He knows I have boundaries regarding the types of labels he can say in general and he used to respect that, but now he does not care if he hurls the names around whenever we argue. After the fight though, he always says he doesn't mean it and he "is a different person" when he is mad. I was just wondering if he actually means the insults he says or he really is just mad? 1
Satu Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 He definitely means it when he says it. You both need to look at why your arguments go to this extreme, because if you don't, your relationship will not last. Harsh and demeaning speech is the #1 relationship killer. He needs some help with anger management. You need to think about why you are tolerating his unacceptable behaviour. Take care. 2
OnlyHonesty Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 The more important question is why bother to set boundaries that you do not enforce, and why are you putting up with this name calling? I'm seeing a pattern on these forums in the relationship posts. People being afraid to enforce boundaries and allowing their self esteem to be slowly chipped away. I ditched a girl for being rude (after 1 warning). People have free will to act how they please, we have the free will (and hopefully self esteem) to chose not to put up with it. 2
Author Lucy44 Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 Thank you. I've told him to get some help before when I started noticing his behavior, but he always disregards it. In all honesty, he was the one who was my only friend. I didn't have a lot of people to talk to, and he would always cheer me up, so I guess I would have no one if I ever left? It's just terrifying to think about moving on with no one to talk to. 1
OnlyHonesty Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Thank you. I've told him to get some help before when I started noticing his behavior, but he always disregards it. In all honesty, he was the one who was my only friend. I didn't have a lot of people to talk to, and he would always cheer me up, so I guess I would have no one if I ever left? It's just terrifying to think about moving on with no one to talk to. Better to have no one, than the wrong one. I can see from what you wrote, it's all about self esteem. It's up to you whether you have anyone if you left. Friends are made. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 I've been with my boyfriend for a year now, and recently he has started calling me names when we fight. He knows I have boundaries regarding the types of labels he can say in general and he used to respect that, but now he does not care if he hurls the names around whenever we argue. After the fight though, he always says he doesn't mean it and he "is a different person" when he is mad. I was just wondering if he actually means the insults he says or he really is just mad? he "is a different person" when he is mad. -- He needs to learn how to manage his anger. This is unacceptable to you and you need to establish and enforce your boundaries. You tell him that you cannot tolerate that behavior and then you sit back and observe whether he makes a sincere effort to curtail it. If he doesn't you end the relationship. This is a boundary that cannot be entertained because, as most abused people will tell you, the behavior will escalate. Nevertheless, you say this started recently. What has changed for him? What's going on in his life outside of the relationship? People will sometimes behave this way to sabotage the relationship because they are looking to get out of it but don't have the resolve/nerve to end it themselves. Ask him what's going on in his life that may be causing him to be stressed and taking it out on you. If he's evasive or dismissive or doesn't talk to you more intimately, you end it then. It means something else is going on that he doesn't want to include you in. 1
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Two things, one you should try and invest more time and energy into developing new friendships. Reconnect with old friends if possible, join some groups and try and make some new friends... Whatever you can do. This will bring more balance to your life. And yes, if you set a boundary you have to enforce it. And you are not wrong to ask him not to insult you when he is angry. Best wishes. 1
preraph Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 You're just now getting to know the real him. Early months in dating people are on their very best behavior. This is why you don't just marry someone after six months, because it can take years to see the dark side. A friend of mine dated a guy for 3 years. She was very popular, especially with men, had lots of options. She had friends and family there in town, plenty of support. He joined the Navy and she married him and moved across country to the base he was stationed at, and it wasn't even a full week in before he started hitting her -- now that he had her separated from her friends and family. You cannot care whether he means it or not because he knows it hurts you and knows it's wrong and doesn't care enough about you to not do it. Now you know who he is, you should definitely leave. He's abusive. 1
enddeck Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Thank you. I've told him to get some help before when I started noticing his behavior, but he always disregards it. In all honesty, he was the one who was my only friend. I didn't have a lot of people to talk to, and he would always cheer me up, so I guess I would have no one if I ever left? It's just terrifying to think about moving on with no one to talk to. That is classic abuser behaviour,isolate your victim,disregard agreed boundaries,verbal abuse initially then physical abuse.You need to either enforce your boundaries or leave,this will not end well for you otherwise. 1
Tressugar Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Coming out of an abusive relationship, it always starts out with name calling then progresses to being physically assaulted or worse.
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