The Unthinkable Happened...A Guy Said 'Hi' To Me

[Shining One]

I think you are seeing the world through a lens of "I'm gorgeous; so that's why this or that happens". I think this doesn't serve you.

Well said.

 

OP, I'm a man who is almost completely desensitized to rejection. I've been rejected by 100+ women over the years (not counting OLD). With that being said, I would not approach you if your demeanor is unwelcoming. It has absolutely nothing to do with how attractive you are. While I hate the 1-10 attractiveness scale, I've approached 9+ women who were welcoming and avoided 6+ women with RBF.

[Miss Spider]

How old are you and what age of men are you referring to?

 

 

 

I'm 26 and it's with men of all ages. I haven't discerned much of a difference. It's been happening my whole life. I've gotten the whole "I figured you had a bf" thing. I've had guys stare me down a whole semester then finally one asked me out on the last day. Ran into a guy who I ran into at a bar with my friends on OkCupid and he said he wanted to ask me out but "couldn't get a chance" please! He wasn't my type and a little weird,but. I'm predominantly attracted to objectively 'average' looking guys with good personalities. Extremely handsome men often know it and have arrogance im not really into. However, if we click I would give it a try, There's no excuse not to ask a woman you're interested in out. The worst she can say is no and no one ever died from rejection. If she reacts with anything more, she's crazy. I'm beginning to think it's some vestigial behavior from when communities were smaller and when one female rejected you and other women saw, it reduced your chances with all females due to preselection. We don't live in that world anymore lol. You're just missing your chance with a woman because women are not socialized to ask men out to the point of that if a beautiful woman were to approach a man it would send him huge red flags. so they don't do it

[Shining One]

I'm beginning to think it's some vestigial behavior from when communities were smaller and when one female rejected you and other women saw, it reduced your chances with all females due to preselection.

This still happens today. If you saw a guy who you found attractive strike out with another woman before approaching you, would you be open to his advances? I've learned from experience that once you're rejected by one woman, you're automatically rejected by all of her close friends and anyone within close proximity of the rejection.

[Miss Spider]

Women's rejections are usually very harsh.

 

Example please? Are you asking out,,pardon me for being crude lol, but "9s" and "10s"?

[Shining One]

What can I do to facilitate things?

What can I do to be more approachable?

As I mentioned in my other post, adjust your demeanor to be more welcoming.

Maybe I'm kind of unapproachable?? I'm more approachable in scrubs though.

Ask a friend (one capable of giving honest feedback) how your demeanor differs when you're wearing scrubs. I'm willing to bet the difference is more than the clothes.

When do I give a guy my number?

When he asks for it. Alternatively, you can ask for his.

How do I act less like I'm in hypovolemic shock when a guy says hi to me?

Time and experience. Like just about everything else, you get used to it. I bet a lot of your medical procedures were scary the first few times and they are a lot less shocking now.

[Miss Spider]

This still happens today. If you saw a guy who you found attractive strike out with another woman before approaching you, would you be open to his advances? I've learned from experience that once you're rejected by one woman, you're automatically rejected by all of her close friends and anyone within close proximity of the rejection.

 

 

 

I understand that, but if you live in a moderate size city, chances you're going to run into that girl again are slim...I live in a moderate size city..may be different in a small one.

 

 

Betas, tone of voice? Just move on..there are more women...and if women only like the" top 5%" of men and all the rest are harshly rejected, the "<5's" women are getting bombarded by approaches by men..that's probably why they're so angry. They're tired of 95% of men asking them out because they think think they don't have a shot with the really attractive women. Lol I'm not serious..pointing out the absurdity of that logic

 

I don't think I'm all that attractive but I do get what OP is saying because I've seen it first and secondhand. It might have a little to do with attitude. Being friendly has helped me a bit but even then some men will reason you're being friendly. It's not limited to real life either. I got around 100 messages daily on online dating (means nothing as a woman) but over half were "are you real person?" "You're too good looking to be on here. Can you take a picture with such and such obscure object to prove you're real"

 

It happens and I disagree with just blowing off op experience as her problem. There are other factors. But definitely work on approachability and openness, OP

Edited January 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[umirano]

Yes mouth and eyes are important to me to decide whether or not to approach a girl, while things like walk, behind, hair determine her overall attractiveness.

 

I think smackie's, C&D's and preraph's advice is accurate for OP. The girls I've been dating the past few years were probably at the upper end on the attractiveness scale for the rest of the world too, and I met two of them not by chatting them up and I don't know if I would have. The third kind of approached me. I'm working hard on improving the so called cold approach. I don't think there's much more a girl can do other than having a friendly face and posture. In the end the man has to make his intention clear and that means piping up.

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nobodyIam]

I would never believe this before untill I saw it with my own eyes. 2 girls on a night out, both single and similair personality. One is average and the other is super hot. Well, all guys that came to our table were all over the average one,not one approached the hot girl.

 

But my advice would be to smile at the guy when you like him. Or do the aporoach thing by yourself.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

OP, two things:

 

Eye Contact

Smile

 

 

 

Voila

[winny]

In my history every woman who ever made self proclamations of being gorgeous...usually are pretty damn average at best with delusions of grandeur. My current GF was recruited to model for Victoria Secret, and men have done nothing but break their necks to say hi...and she would never refer to herself as gorgeous...

 

Looks matter very little is what I have come to realize. Some people exude warmth, compassion and positive vibes and thats what attracts others.

 

And yes, some of the most amazing people are amazing because they have no idea or bother about their looks... They have so much other stuff to offer.

[preraph]

Great advice

 

Tbh, I'm a little shy with men. If I have a date with a guy from OLD, I'm super outgoing and friendly but random guys in real life...I have a hard time making eye contact sometimes when I walk past them in the halls. But I've been working on it since I started at this hospital 2 weeks ago and I'm getting better at it. I've just never had to be approachable before because my 2 long term relationships kind of fell into my lap and the other short term relationships came from OLD.

 

I know some people might 'know' how good they look...and just flaunt it. But I'm not one of those poeple. I'm confident but I dont use the 9/10 card to act like I deserve every guy in the room. I'm actually a little timid

 

smackie, I wear neutral, light makeup to clinical. My hair is up in a ponytail. Scrubs are the great neutralizer of bodies hahaha...so guys arent going to be intimidated by that

 

Listen,for all of my 20s and beyond, I was one of those people who only wore black and NEVER smiled randomly. I was very intimidating. It took a bad breakup where I HAD to learn to fake not being sad and tried to look brave and unconquerable to teach me the benefits of making yourself smile and look up proudly. I did okay with my social life, but if I had been approachable, no telling how many stalkers I'd have had to shoot! Or maybe I'd have had a good boyfriend to shoot them for me.

 

AND you do not have to be gorgeous. If you are smiling and approachable, it increases your attractiveness a LOT.

[Dis]

I DO NOT think you are a jerk.

 

I think you are seeing the world through a lens of "I'm gorgeous; so that's why this or that happens". I think this doesn't serve you. You need to see that there are a lot of beautiful and appealing women around, this isn't something unusual. Plenty of beautiful women have boyfriends and/ or are married. You can listen to a bunch of replies that agree with your inner dialogue and stay in your comfort zone OR you can be outgoing, friendly and stop looking at the world through the lens of your looks.

 

I like this GuildedLady. It was productive and helpful

 

While I do not look at the world from a place of superiority or vanity because of how I look....I do need to be more friendly and outgoing with the random people I meet. Its just hard for me because I'm shy at first (not at all concieted) just shy

 

I guess I try to come up with reasons why guys dont approach me, I was told by a guy friend of mine that its because of my looks...maybe I just need to smile more

 

 

Thanks for this one though

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Dis]

Ok so you're a very attractive woman. How would you feel about very average men approaching you? Would you be interested? Willing to go on a date?

 

I have many times in the past so yes!!

[Dis]

Well said.

 

OP, I'm a man who is almost completely desensitized to rejection. I've been rejected by 100+ women over the years (not counting OLD). With that being said, I would not approach you if your demeanor is unwelcoming. It has absolutely nothing to do with how attractive you are. While I hate the 1-10 attractiveness scale, I've approached 9+ women who were welcoming and avoided 6+ women with RBF.

 

Hahahaa

 

I totally get what you mean!

 

Ok going to work on being more welcoming!

 

Its weird because with my dates from OLD, I was always super friendly and smiling and outgoing but in real life, with random guys...I clam up

[ReformedPUA]

I'll give you my take as a guy, Disillusioned373.

 

Many many men see a woman they'd like to approach, but they find themselves intimidated by a closed-off facial expression that seems to signify that you'd rather not be bothered. And so they won't even try.

 

It really is too bad that it has come to this. I could go on a bit more as to why. But culturally, our gender--including the men who'd make a great boyfriend--have had it ingrained in us not to be "that creepy guy" who can't read a woman's social cues that she wants to be left alone. Also, starting a conversation with a stranger can be tough. So there is a tendency for a guy to see a closed-off facial expression as a 'you better stay away' sign. The guys who DO work up the courage to cold-approach though are often really glad they did though, but I digress.

 

Anyway OP, next time a guy asks "how are you?" say something like "I am great....just got off my shift and now I am getting a snack. What are you up to?" It's not on you to carry the conversation, but a woman who is willing to do some of the heavy lifting herself is often quite rewarded, see below......

 

An attractive woman WITH open body language (the open body language being the most important), well, that's just MONEY:

 

THIS.

 

My looks are quite average, I do not, and have never had a "hot" body (beyond thick thighs and a booty if that's his thing).

 

But I SMILE, I strike up conversations with strangers easily. I make eye contact often - and like Smackie said, I will end up with follower at the grocery store. Hell some young dude made my day a few weeks ago and asked me out in the yogurt aisle. And it happen to be a zero make up, hair in a pony tail day.

 

MY demeanor is open and welcoming - I have aquaintances remark that I am always smiling and seem happy - and that equals approachable / people want to be around you.

 

Actually it sounds that you are many men's physical type. The media has it completely wrong about what men are physically attracted to. Many many guys like strong athletic women.

Edited January 22, 2017 by ReformedPUA

[Dis]

I DO NOT think you are a jerk.

 

I think you are seeing the world through a lens of "I'm gorgeous; so that's why this or that happens". I think this doesn't serve you. You need to see that there are a lot of beautiful and appealing women around, this isn't something unusual. Plenty of beautiful women have boyfriends and/ or are married. You can listen to a bunch of replies that agree with your inner dialogue and stay in your comfort zone OR you can be outgoing, friendly and stop looking at the world through the lens of your looks.

 

 

Pretty sure I was agreeing all along that I need to be more outgoing and friendly and never did I once say that I'm looking at world through the lens of my looks...if I was you can bet I wouldnt be as shy as I am

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed poke

[Dis]

I'll give you my take as a guy, Disillusioned373.

 

Many many men see a woman they'd like to approach, but they find themselves intimidated by a closed-off facial expression that seems to signify that you'd rather not be bothered. And so they won't even try.

 

It really is too bad that it has come to this. I could go on a bit more as to why. But culturally, our gender--including the men who'd make a great boyfriend--have had it ingrained in us not to be "that creepy guy" who can't read a woman's social cues that she wants to be left alone. Also, starting a conversation with a stranger can be tough. So there is a tendency for a guy to see a closed-off facial expression as a 'you better stay away' sign. The guys who DO work up the courage to cold-approach though are often really glad they did though, but I digress.

 

Anyway OP, next time a guy asks "how are you?" say something like "I am great....just got off my shift and now I am getting a snack. What are you up to?" It's not on you to carry the conversation, but a woman who is willing to do some of the heavy lifting herself is often quite rewarded, see below......

 

An attractive woman WITH open body language (the open body language being the most important), well, that's just MONEY:

 

Wow this was stellar advice Reformed! Super helpful! Thank you so much!

 

I can see what I did wrong with that convo now. I shouldve opened it up to a dialogue. Instead I was kind of short and cool. Thats wasnt inviting at all

 

And I do agree that men that are bf material are a little more on the shy side and more afraid of rejection that some other guys...which isnt good because those are the guys I'm looking for

 

I'm starting to view myself from an outside perspective now...I'm usually rushing around. Have my arms crossed. Not really making eye contact with guys. Have resting fierce face. How can a guy feel comfortable approaching that???

 

I think maybe I need to relax! Its kind of a paradox because I know what I look like (here comes the haters) but I act like no guys would want to talk to me...maybe I dont have as much confidence as I thought?

 

I think it might take some time for me to open up....

[Jj66]

It really isn't about looks. It's how you carry yourself. Are you open and approachable or closed off and unassailable?

 

I must have been giving off a very positive vibes since I was in no way the best looking or most fit guy in the bar one evening.

 

I stopped at a bar and grille after working late at my office. As I was sitting at the bar a singles meetup mixer descended on the place while I was talking to the guy next to me and the bartender. I didn't have a name tag but Women would come by and ask me if I was in the meetup. I was the only customer being asked this. I said no. A few, before moving on, would say too bad, do you want to be? That wouldn't be a good idea since I'm seeing someone already, but good luck. Finally this very attractive and gregarious woman comes up to me. Without asking me if I was in the meetup she starts a conversation about a current event on the screen behind the bar. I made some sort of joke and she laughed. We got engaged in a conversation. This attracted more women from the meetup. Pretty soon we are the liveliest group in the bar. The men were outnumbered but one of the fellows did not like what he was seeing and told the group very loudly. HE'S NOT IN THE MEETUP AND HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. I laughed and confirmed it. The first woman said "No wonder you seem so happy! I know you're not part of the group and you're already taken but do you mind if we keep talking? You just seem so comfortable here, like you could own this place. You just exude warmth and happiness!" The other women eventually dispersed one by one but she kept talking to me until it was time for me to leave.

 

The "you could own this place" comment echoed a few months later when a drunk gay man was hitting on me. He said, you are obviously the king of this bar. You own it even more than the owner does and you still have the biggest heart in the room.

 

No honey, it's not looks. I'm a slightly overweight middle aged man with no sense of style and I get approached by women (and men) quite often. I think it's presence. It's openness. It's warmth. And especially for us men, it's a quiet confidence in our ability to be equal to any occasion. People can see that stuff.

[Dis]

This thread made me laugh. It's so true, though...Men are scared ****less these days to approach women!!! They just stare at you...??? I'm not even a 'gorgeous' woman and I've noticed this phenomenon. I can only imagine how much worse it is for really beautiful women..I wonder when/why this happened. Who chewed these guys out and publially humiliated them to the point they don't approach women they're interested in? Not even in bars...When a guy strikes up a conversation with me, which is soooo seldom, I'm always in shock. Haha. I'm done with OD too..It's so much preferable to meet someone in an 'organic' way rather than forced. I suggest meeting guys through friends or take hobbies where you're forced to interact and talk to someone for awhile and hope they ask for your number x.x also, do you try striking up convos with them? I'm shy...but if you can start talking that does increase the likelihood they'll go in.. not by much, but... Anywag, don't give up! It'll happen.

 

Yayyy! I'm so glad I'm not the only woman who sees this!

 

Thanks for the encouragment Cookies

 

Ya I was so shocked this guy said hi, I totally blew it lol. I shouldve opened up a convo. But honestly that was a practice run...thats how I see it now. Next time I'll hopefully be less shocked and open up

[Dis]

It really isn't about looks. It's how you carry yourself. Are you open and approachable or closed off and unassailable?

 

I must have been giving off a very positive vibes since I was in no way the best looking or most fit guy in the bar one evening.

 

I stopped at a bar and grille after working late at my office. As I was sitting at the bar a singles meetup mixer descended on the place while I was talking to the guy next to me and the bartender. I didn't have a name tag but Women would come by and ask me if I was in the meetup. I was the only customer being asked this. I said no. A few, before moving on, would say too bad, do you want to be? That wouldn't be a good idea since I'm seeing someone already, but good luck. Finally this very attractive and gregarious woman comes up to me. Without asking me if I was in the meetup she starts a conversation about a current event on the screen behind the bar. I made some sort of joke and she laughed. We got engaged in a conversation. This attracted more women from the meetup. Pretty soon we are the liveliest group in the bar. The men were outnumbered but one of the fellows did not like what he was seeing and told the group very loudly. HE'S NOT IN THE MEETUP AND HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. I laughed and confirmed it. The first woman said "No wonder you seem so happy! I know you're not part of the group and you're already taken but do you mind if we keep talking? You just seem so comfortable here, like you could own this place. You just exude warmth and happiness!" The other women eventually dispersed one by one but she kept talking to me until it was time for me to leave.

 

The "you could own this place" comment echoed a few months later when a drunk gay man was hitting on me. He said, you are obviously the king of this bar. You own it even more than the owner does and you still have the biggest heart in the room.

 

No honey, it's not looks. I'm a slightly overweight middle aged man with no sense of style and I get approached by women (and men) quite often. I think it's presence. It's openness. It's warmth. And especially for us men, it's a quiet confidence in our ability to be equal to any occasion. People can see that stuff.

 

I'm lmao about the guy getting jelly and saying you dont belong in the group! Thats awesome!!!

 

I'm a very warm person, very sweet. I treat my friends, my patients, my family like gold but I dont know what it is about random guys. Its like I turn into a different person. Guys I dated from OLD all said I was so easy to talk to and made them feel comfortable...but with random guys, I'm pretty closed up.

 

I think youre right. Its all about how I carry myself...not so much looks.If I was a guy, I'd be pretty hesistant to approach me

 

I need to work on carrying over how I usually am...to the random guys that approach me

 

If I can be my usual warm, friendly self...I think I'll be golden

[Dis]

Listen,for all of my 20s and beyond, I was one of those people who only wore black and NEVER smiled randomly. I was very intimidating. It took a bad breakup where I HAD to learn to fake not being sad and tried to look brave and unconquerable to teach me the benefits of making yourself smile and look up proudly. I did okay with my social life, but if I had been approachable, no telling how many stalkers I'd have had to shoot! Or maybe I'd have had a good boyfriend to shoot them for me.

 

AND you do not have to be gorgeous. If you are smiling and approachable, it increases your attractiveness a LOT.

 

Thanks preraph...really great advice. I'm thinking now that had I smiled more and seemed warmer in public...I wouldnt be single now

 

Look up proudly, smile and be brave...I like that

[preraph]

Thanks preraph...really great advice. I'm thinking now that had I smiled more and seemed warmer in public...I wouldnt be single now

 

Look up proudly, smile and be brave...I like that

 

You seem naturally friendly and nice, by your posts, so I know if you take baby steps, you can eventually be more comfortable being approachable. I mean, I still have times that for no reason, maybe a mood, I will just look down and avoid, but other times I'm much more engaging with people. Now, I'm 64 and obese, so I think I'm living proof that people will be friendly if you just look open to it. And I don't mean to only smile at men! I mean be open and approachable to everyone who doesn't look like they're about to mug you -- and the good thing about that is if anyone IS kind of watching you, they will see that you are like that with everybody, so you don't have to feel conspicuous and like the guy will get the wrong idea.

 

Today I went to eat Mexican food alone and my waiter was trying to make conversation the whole time I was there. I hadn't been there in months and didn't remember him, but he said "Good to see you again" when I first got there and then after I ordered he asked me if I had pets (no friends to eat with = pets I guess). Anyway, that led to an indepth discussion of his empty saltwater aquarium. He was in his 30s, so huge age gap. Don't know if he was just friendly or more. But I get into these type discussions on the regular...

[Miss Spider]

Yayyy! I'm so glad I'm not the only woman who sees this!

 

Thanks for the encouragment Cookies

 

Ya I was so shocked this guy said hi, I totally blew it lol. I shouldve opened up a convo. But honestly that was a practice run...thats how I see it now. Next time I'll hopefully be less shocked and open up

 

 

Totally practice run and a good start. I'm always so startled I try to get out of the situation and it gives off the wrong vibes. ahhhhh.. You said you're shy like me. Shyness makes it all closed off even if we think we are being open and using all the 'tricks'. Most people can pick up on 'subliminal' body/face language. So we might think we're taking it good, but not. Working on your shyness would be a really good idea too. The eye contact thing -there are different kinds of guy contact..You might thinking you're making eye contact but they see it as a bitchy glare. I don't know..Im so tuned out with that stuff. But most men won't approach you without some IOI. Good luck!

[basil67]

I don't know if you will take this comment as positive or negative....but you may not have blown anything because he may not have been interested in dating you.

 

I talk to everyone when I'm out. Especially those who I'm stuck in queues with. Young men, old women...everyone. Being friendly doesn't necessarily translate to romantic interest. That said, getting talking with chatty people is a great way to learn to talk with strangers. Don't assume they mean anything other than friendliness...but be open to more if they seem nice.

[Dis]

I don't know if you will take this comment as positive or negative....but you may not have blown anything because he may not have been interested in dating you.

 

I talk to everyone when I'm out. Especially those who I'm stuck in queues with. Young men, old women...everyone. Being friendly doesn't necessarily translate to romantic interest. That said, getting talking with chatty people is a great way to learn to talk with strangers. Don't assume they mean anything other than friendliness...but be open to more if they seem nice.

 

Lol ya I'm aware it might have been just a friendly hello and nothing more

 

I'm glad it happened either way though. I def needed all this insight!