HelenaTroy Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 I need some advice about how to manage my concerns about my boyfriend's female friends. Some background: Boyfriend and I have been together for about six months. He is amazing in so many ways -- good-looking, smart, funny, affectionate, emotive -- and the relationship has been going very well, hitting appropriate milestones such as saying "I love you" and meeting each other's children as the relationship progresses. It's clear that we both prioritize spending time with each other, and we are (tentatively) planning a future together. When we met, we were both coming out of long-term (decade-plus) marriages. In our respective marriages, we were each the "left-behind" spouse trying to save the marriage when our partners walked away. (His wife had an affair; my husband had simply decided he was no longer happy.) I mention this because we have bonded over the shared experience and have discussed at length how seriously we take commitment (especially marriage) and fidelity. Because of this, when we met, neither of us was interested in anything serious and were just looking for a steady, but casual/non-exclusive, relationship. After a few weeks it became clear that there was something more between us, Boyfriend initiated the exclusivity conversation, and I readily agreed. At no point did I ask or pressure him to be exclusive, and in fact I would have continued to date him casually for an indefinite period if he'd not brought it up. The problem: After a couple of months, he revealed to me that he had a history of cheating on previous girlfriends (before he was married) as a means of ending those relationships. I was, understandably, quite disturbed by this news, but he told me that he regrets what he did, that he would never cheat again, that if a problem came up in our relationship he would address it with me and try to work it out. He told me that he was willing to set boundaries in his relationship with his (female) best friend (whom he once had a crush on), but for a few reasons I chose not to take him up on it at the time. (I didn't feel like two months of dating gave me the right to do that, the friend lives several states away and is now married/committed to staying that way, he is no longer interested in her romantically, etc.) I told him I would manage whatever insecurity I felt on my own until I couldn't anymore. And I still don't see her as any kind of threat. However, one of the girls he dated during our non-exclusive period has popped back up. He definitely saw her as more of a friend (although they did sleep together a few times back then) and she was aware of his other dating exploits at the time -- in fact, she was one of the people who said, "You seem to really like this Helena person. You should stop dating other people and just be with her." They weren't in touch for a while because she had some health issues (I think it was mental health related.) But now he has mentioned hanging out with her again, and I'm anxious. I know that if I said "I'm not comfortable with that," he wouldn't do it. But it feels awfully controlling to say that, and it implies that I don't trust him, which is not the message I want to send. (I think the reality is I don't fully trust him but I'm not sure if that's because of my baggage or his, and how fair it is for me to feel that way.) I'm curious to hear your opinions ...
ashy555 Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 He wants to hang out with someone he dated at the same time as you. Someone he slept with a few times before you were exclusive? Absolutely not. That is crossing a big line. It is not respectful towards you at all. He dated her and then chose you. He cannot go back to her for a friendship when he chose YOU. It would be a little different if he had been friends with her for years prior and they were never sexual. You have to stand strong here. That is not on. 1
Gaeta Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 I When we met, we were both coming out of long-term (decade-plus) marriages. In our respective marriages, we were each the "left-behind" spouse trying to save the marriage when our partners walked away. (His wife had an affair; my husband had simply decided he was no longer happy.) I mention this because we have bonded over the shared experience and have discussed at length how seriously we take commitment (especially marriage) and fidelity. This is the part that got my attention. Relationships that are based on bonding over a common hurt rarely last. You are each other's bandage on the wound. Eventually people heal and move on. And they don't move on with the one that nurtured them back to health. While in a relationship it's highly inappropriate to get back in touch with someone you've dated and had sex with. When ex fwb, or ex bf, or just ex contact get in touch with me I tell them I am glad they're doing well but I am in a relationship now and do not wish to entertain any men from my past. If I were you, I would not say a word and observe his behavior. You cannot change who he is, you cannot control him or keep him from cheating. He'll do what he wants to do. If he acts in an inappropriate way then terminate the relationship and tell him you're looking for another kind of man.
central Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 I can certainly understand your concerns, but it also sounds like he isn't hiding anything from you, and also came clean about his past indiscretions. I would give him the benefit of the doubt - just keep you eyes open until you feel fully comfortable that this is just a friendship now. I am close friends with several ex-gfs. Yes, I had sex with them. And yes, my wife is fine with all this - she's met them, and likes them. Besides, she has an ex-bf as a friend, and he's my friend now too. It's all good - we can maintain good boundaries, and trust our friends to do so as well (else they would not remain friends!).
Gaeta Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 I can certainly understand your concerns, but it also sounds like he isn't hiding anything from you, and also came clean about his past indiscretions. I would give him the benefit of the doubt - just keep you eyes open until you feel fully comfortable that this is just a friendship now. I am close friends with several ex-gfs. Yes, I had sex with them. And yes, my wife is fine with all this - she's met them, and likes them. Besides, she has an ex-bf as a friend, and he's my friend now too. It's all good - we can maintain good boundaries, and trust our friends to do so as well (else they would not remain friends!). You or your GF have a history of cheating on your mate?
PinkPampies Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 Why would he even WANT to hang out with her when he has you. It doesn't sit right. You shouldn't even have to say anything. He should recognize that this is not okay. She's not a long term friend. He was having sex with her while dating others, including you. This is a big red flag, op. Recognize it. 4
mightycpa Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 (edited) Oh, I don't know. I've turned banging partners into friends before, with no real desire or intention to bang them again. Sometimes, they're just fun. Although, on the other hand, I probably could have if I'd wanted to. If you trust him, let it go. If you don't, then why are you with him? Edited January 20, 2017 by mightycpa
viatori patuit Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 I have something similar but it is my girlfriend. Eh is friends with a man she was intimate with 10 years ago. My approach was to tell her that I wanted nothing to do with that person. I can't tell her who to be friends with but I can determine who I associate with. I never want to met any exes of a person I date. For me a relationship is about looking forward. Hanging out with someone you slept with is living in the past. Now, if they are friends with someone of the opposite sex with which they have never had a physical relationship then I am fine with that.
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 Why don't the three of you spend time together? Just be honest with him and let him know what you're comfortable with. Have boundaries and rules when it comes to previous friends with benefits and how much contact should happen vs opposite sex friends who are truly just friends. Trust could be an issue but he did say he isn't that person and doesn't cheat anymore. Just because he did so before he was married, doesn't mean he will now that's he's divorced and now with you. He's grown and much older, wiser. Have faith. And also meet this past flame of his, it might put your mind at ease.
Author HelenaTroy Posted January 20, 2017 Author Posted January 20, 2017 Thank you for your thoughts everyone. I really do value your input and each of you made comments that really made me think. I ended up telling him: "I want so badly to be the cool girlfriend who is ok with this friendship, but I'm not." Right away, he said, "Being my cool girlfriend does not mean that your heart should hurt at my expense." We talked a bit about it and he said that because he had talked about possibly continuing his friendship with her before, he thought I was ok with it. But then he said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have put you in the position of having to bring it up. I should have asked and offered to set boundaries in the first place." I was surprised to hear him say that because in a way I didn't think it would have been fair to expect him to read my mind, but in saying that he basically said, "I should have read your mind." To answer the question that some of you raised as to why he even wants to be friends with her, it's because 1) he doesn't have many friends here and 2) he feels obligated to be her friend bc he told her that he would. But for him, neither reason is as important as his relationship with me, so he is not going to pursue a 1:1 friendship with her. (They go to the same church, so she can't be avoided entirely.) I feel better but great. I just wish it had never come up because I feel a bit like a crazy person/controlling girlfriend and I'm worried that it's going to bite me in the end, even though he was very reassuring to me when I expressed those fears during our talk.
Gaeta Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 To answer the question that some of you raised as to why he even wants to be friends with her, it's because 1) he doesn't have many friends here and 2) he feels obligated to be her friend bc he told her that he would. But for him, neither reason is as important as his relationship with me, so he is not going to pursue a 1:1 friendship with her. (They go to the same church, so she can't be avoided entirely.) He can make other kind of friends. Making ex fwb your friends while in a relationship is inappropriate. This was not a friendship that existed already. As for him telling her he'd be her friend, sorry, at the time he was not in an exclusive relationship with you, circumstances have change. She'll survive. I am glad everything fell in place for you. You are not controlling, you know what you want that is all. Controlling would be to force him.
kendahke Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 (edited) I am glad you talked with him. Communication is key to the success of any relationship. He's right--he cannot read your mind. You have to speak up for what you want if it's that important to you. Edited January 20, 2017 by kendahke
smackie9 Posted January 20, 2017 Posted January 20, 2017 You have every right to set firm boundaries if this relationship is to continue, like no date like one on one hanging out, meeting up for drinks, etc. Everyone knows you can't keep your single life type activities when you are in a relationship. You need to adjust things to what is appropriate and respectful to your partner. OP you need to have that conversation again, no just for him but for you too. You both need to come to some kind of agreement of expectations. This is why it's so important to communicate, rather than sit there biting your nails wondering what is going to happen.
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