Does it matter if he has a low EQ, if he is a good man inside?

[Redhead14]

Hi guys

 

I have been dating my bf for almost two years. I have generally noticed that he has a low EQ as in he doesnt know how to comfort me if I am feeling upset (for example, if i cry because I dropped and broke my phone). He doesnt seem to be able to handle me when I get emotional about something. If I cry, he will tend to stare at me blankly and not try to comfort me. He is also unempathetic, because he will tend to say things bluntly, and not take into account my feelings, but he never means to say these things to hurt me. If I let him down in any way, he wont automatically forgive me, but he says where I went wrong and how disappointed he was. He is also very inflexible, it is very hard to persuade him to think of things in my view, and also he doesnt want to compromise a lot of the time. He's also quiet, and my friends see him as a bit of a loner. He doesnt have any close friends, and has never had a gf for more than a few months. He seems a bit socially awkward cos he doesnt have much conversational ability. Most of his vocab are one word replies, and he doesnt know how to continue a conversation. He also never says that he loves me, he doesn't say I am beautiful or pretty (he sometimes says I am cute), he never writes me cards, or send me flowers. He says he finds it difficult to buy a gift for me because he doesnt know what i like. I asked him if he loved me, and he said that he did, but he doesnt come out with it himself. He sometimes says things like he wishes I was more logical and resolute. I ask him so what he likes about me, he says he likes other aspects of my personality like my considerateness and also my sense of humour. He never gushes about me, or says how lucky he is, or how amazing I am etc etc.

 

However, despite these things I really do love him as I want to see his good side. He doesn't intentionally do these things to upset me, he is just a bit socially awkward. And it is in his personality that he doesnt know how to comfort me when I feel upset. He is a really good man inside. We have an amazing time when we are together, we share tons of common interests- the same foods, activities we like to do on holiday and we have our own little code speak as well. He is generous because he was willing to pay for everything on our most recent holiday. He is also intelligent because he studied at Stanford. He is really adventurous and life is not dull with him. I have a lot of good memories with him. I am also really attracted to him physically as well. He shows that he cares about me from his hugs, kisses and he never fails to talk to me everyday. He is also insanely loyal, trustworthy and honest. I don't know if honesty comes with his straightforward, no nonsense nature, but he is honest to a fault. I would never mistrust him. He is also very undramatic. He never plays games, is very straightforward and is ready to settle down.

 

I used to date another guy for 6 years, who had all the qualities that he didnt have (eg. very sympathetic and supportive) but he was also insanely boring.

 

I have often thought about whether or not there is someone better for me out there, but I don't really know whether I will find someone with the unique traits of my bf that I love. The loyalty, honesty and adventurousness and being physically attractive is so rare, I find.

 

Do you think that it matters if your partner is a good hearted man inside but has low EQ (but it isn't his fault)?

 

It doesn't matter what he's got going on on the inside. What's important is that what he's showing you from the outside doesn't work for you. He's not going to turn himself inside out for you.

[Sweetfish]

You know what people with high EQ don't do? Depend emotionally on others. They conduct self-management. No way a person with high EQ would cry over a broken phone and then hold grudges for not being comforted. I would barely comfort a 7 y o if he or she broke their most expensive toy, to show them that material things are not to be cried over.

 

And then expecting him to offer to pay for it... Why wouldn't you want to pay for something you broke yourself? I'd be embarassed if someone offered to pay for my clumsiness, it's like a parent suggesting to replace a candy I dropped on the ground.

 

Your guy is a piece of work as well and you two seem to bring out the worst of each other. You say you wouldn't over eact if he was more empathetic, but he might feel the same. Maybe he'd be more empathetic if his partner didn't demand sympathy over spilled milk? But otherwise, he doesn't sound like a catch either.

 

OP, don't take pride in being emotionally immature. It's not cute. Actually it's the definition of not cute. The only thing admirable in adults is acting like adults, when situations calls for it. Try to make it your goal to not be this way anymore, hold back the tears and don't let yourself be associated with children's behaviour. It will help you tremendously in life.

 

 

1000 likes

[basil67]

I appreciate all of what you guys are saying. So it's my problem really for needing a lot of attention and reassurance. Do you think it's possible to find a man out there who can handle my moods with kindness, patience and love?

 

<snip>

 

In my boyfriends defence, he does things like:-

1) hold my hand, gives me hugs, kisses me a lot

2) says I'm cute or likes my outfit

3) knows when I'm upset at something and willing to talk about it

4) paid for activities, dinners, and anything else we occur on our outings out

5) buys me small presents when he goes abroad

6) always carries the shopping, always opens doors for me, carries luggage for me

7) always replies to my messages as soon as he reads them

8) asks me about my day

9) tries to introduce me to new activities

10) asks me if I'm okay a lot

11) says he wants me to be happy

12) obliges in whatever I want to do, like activities, foods wise

13) helps me to clean up if I make a mess

14) he did pay me back for the missed flights later on when he had money

15) offered to pay for my schooling

16) he said he neutral about meeting my family because he was scared my mum would interrogate him.

17) takes time to plan holidays and doesn't mind travelling half way across the world to visit me

 

I've kind of put him on an emotional rollercoaster over the year really, and I'm worried that his patience is now stretched. He said that he was worried we wouldn't get along as I was too spontaneous and scatter brained for him.

 

Now obviously I want to settle down soon, I just don't want to be looking for another man if A great guy in front of me!!

 

Well, nothing is impossible - so yes you might find him. More likely you will find a man who will start out being patient and then when he realises just how much support you need, will get fed up with your behaviour and either stop giving sympathy or leave you. I think it's far smarter to become a self sufficient 30yo woman who can regulate her emotions.

 

Yes, you may well have tested his patience too far. But you need to remember that the reason this "great guy" is with you is because he can't be bothered getting back into the dating scene. And there's the whole distance thing to be dealt with.

 

Leave this guy. Grow up. And then start over with realistic expectations of a partner.

Edited January 21, 2017 by basil67

[BluesPower]

Has anyone thought...

 

That BF may have a low level for of aspergers???

 

Not that he should be you a new phone. But inability to emphasize emotionally with other people or understand intuitive emotional situations, are def some signs of this...

 

And for the record... When are you going to dump this guy. Everyone have told you that he is not the right guy for you.

 

Also, I think that you have some growing up to do as well.

[BaileyB]

There are men (and women) who have poor social skills and emotional intelligence who may meet diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder (Aspergers has been removed from the DSM as a formal diagnosis).

 

These people can be very productive in life - holding very professional jobs, getting married, and having children. In the past, people probably would have said they were shy, socially awkward, a little odd...

 

It doesn't really mean anything. OP, you need to look at the person he is and the things he brings to the relationships and decide if it is enough for you. Maybe, some of the things you have described are not a problem for you... but, if they affect your happiness within the relationship, then you need to think hard about whether this could be a successful long term relationship for you.