Does it matter if he has a low EQ, if he is a good man inside?

January 20, 2017

People don't change THAT much during their 20s. I think maybe in the US, people grow up faster? Also since I have a baby face people always baby me. And i only graduated school at 26, so i am a bit of a late bloomer. I still played with toys and watch kids TV at 18!! I always wanted to grow up slowly.

Maybe YOU didnt change that much during your 20s. Your 20s covers the day after you stop being 19 to the day before your 30th birthday.

I changed an awful lot from the day of my 20th birthday to the last day I was 29 right before I turned 30.

I am from the UK please speak for yourself and not the population of the UK when you say we dont grow up fast.

I dont think your BF is the problem. If I had a partner who cried over a broken phone, expected me not to be annoyed because they made us miss a flight and needed their hand holding every step of the way through the most ordinary life events, I would lose patience and stop offering comfort.

It is a big bad world out there. You are going to get old. So are your friends. Your parents will get old and die. You will have problems at work, if you have children, there will be illnesses and tantrums to deal with. They will shout at you and say they hate you when you impose rules they dont like.

If you cannot cope with a broken mobile phone, you are never going to cope with real problems.

January 20, 2017

I expected to receive sympathy and reassurance from him that things would be fine (even though I know they would be).

Why would you expect to receive sympathy and reassurance? Not just from him, but from anyone? Sympathy is for when something happens which has a significant negative impact. Injury, illness, pain, death, loss of a job, loss of an animal etc.

I think that it's fair to say that when any of us sees a friend or partner break a phone, we'd give them an "Oh crap" kind of commiseration. We'd possibly also give a recommendation to a good repair shop. And let them use our spare phone for a while. But sympathy and reassurance? Nope.

"It will be fine" is about as meaningless comment as can be given.

January 20, 2017

Yeah a broken phone?

For a friend my reaction is "gah, I hate it when crap like that happens!"

For my husband? "Why wasn't the case on!?"

Turning on the water works because you didn't get the reaction from him that you wanted is straight manipulative.

What did you want? "Oh dearest princess I will make it all better and buy you a new phone!"

Honestly, what would have made you happy in that situation?

What are you doing to become more rational and less emotional for him?

January 20, 2017

For my husband? "Why wasn't the case on!?"

hehe. I probably wouldn't say it, but I'd sure be thinking it LOL

January 20, 2017

Let's assume he has low EQ. It's very difficult for low EQ people to empathize, react supportively in the face of emotions, validate feelings and to communicate in general.

My husband is in the tech field and has very low EQ. It's a huge struggle as I am high EQ. We argue all the time. It's like we are out of synch. I feel misunderstood ALL the time. He says weird things that are hurtful every day. I love him but it's difficult.

Be prepared for defensiveness and stonewalling anytime you are upset. He may even get angry instead of compassionate. I wouldn't sign up for that kind of life if I had prior warning.

In my case, my husband was being fed what to say to me during dating from a female friend. The sweet things he said weren't even from his own mind or heart, even though he may have felt them after prompting.

It's also hard to trust someone who can't communicate well and repeats as his own what you or others say. I suspect low EQ people aren't in touch with their own feelings and thoughts so they have a hard time with other people's thoughts and feelings.

Of course, I love my husband and will always work on things. I just wish it wasn't so much work to get to baseline normal reactions. It's like teaching an alien how to be human!!

Try talking with him. If he gets angry or defensive, then I would cut bait and find someone else who has a higher ability to connect emotionally.

Edited January 20, 2017 by blueskyday

January 20, 2017

Just to say it again, don't move to the US to be with this guy. Relationships between two emotionally healthy people don't have this kind of drama and conflict.

It definitely sounds like you need to develop better self management skills. You should have developed the maturity and skills to know what is important and what is not important and thus, you should be able to manage your own emotions over the little things in life. You also need to learn to manage your expectations about relationships.

And, I can appreciate that there are things that you enjoy about this man and other things that are not so good. But, I have to say that when I read your first paragraph describing all the things that you do not like about this man, I was thinking to myself - I don't know if this is such a good guy? Yes, he lacks emotional IQ but what you've described would not be enough for me... I'm not sure that he is great "relationship material" and I know without a doubt, I wouldn't be moving to another country and uprooting my entire life for this guy...

January 20, 2017

IMO, most men are stoic and "matter of fact".

When they see you crying, hurt, etc. - their first instinct isn't going to do what a woman would do (i.e. hug you, ask you to talk about it). Men see a "problem" and want to "solve" it.

In other words, if your phone is broken, his response probably will be "Ok, how do we get another one?"

Maybe try telling him what you need. If you feel bad say "Can I get a hug"? That way you can let him know what you need ("solution") for what's bothering you ("the problem"). And ta-da!!! He solves your problem.

January 20, 2017

Agreed. Men are problem solvers. If you tell them that your phone is broken, they will see a simple solution - buy a new one. No need to be upset. Just get a new phone.

January 20, 2017

I think if I were not with my bf I would be fine with the broken phone. I would have sorted it out without feeling upset for long. But cos I was with him, I expected to receive sympathy and reassurance from him that things would be fine (even though I know they would be).

Nobody really wants to be responsible for someone else's emotional well being. Its not really fair to put him in this position. This is a good example of how you should manage your expectations for the relationship...

Save the times that you want his support and reassurance for the hard things, not the mundane things in life... Of you will wear him out!

January 20, 2017

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I would accept him for who he is. Understand his short comings and don't ignore his strengths.

My father was a very smart man. Accountant, CPA, MBA, member of Mensa High IQ society yet his EQ and social skills were awful. My mother would complain how embarrassed she was at his behavior at social get togethers and she would complain how he had no idea how to understand her emotionally. He was an accountant very good with math, scored like a 740 on the math section of his SAT. When it came to Emotional Intelligence and people skills he was awful. Very poor communicator, often got in arguments, seemed to totally not be able to read people's feelings or figure out that they were upset. He also had a habit of wanting to show people up on word puzzles and card games, often called friends and family members "stupid" for losing. He would always be able to solve the New York Times crossword puzzle and would call his brother stupid for not being able to solve it.

My mother accepted his strengths and weaknesses, even though his low EQ did cause a lot of problems.

Edited January 20, 2017 by LoveFiend

January 20, 2017

Yeah a broken phone?

For a friend my reaction is "gah, I hate it when crap like that happens!"

For my husband? "Why wasn't the case on!?"

Turning on the water works because you didn't get the reaction from him that you wanted is straight manipulative.

What did you want? "Oh dearest princess I will make it all better and buy you a new phone!"

Honestly, what would have made you happy in that situation?

What are you doing to become more rational and less emotional for him?

UM, yes? An offer to replace it would have been what I expected or at least a big hug and say it will all be fine. I know that my first bf would have rebought me a new phone, he used to buy me a lot of things.

January 20, 2017

Let's assume he has low EQ. It's very difficult for low EQ people to empathize, react supportively in the face of emotions, validate feelings and to communicate in general.

My husband is in the tech field and has very low EQ. It's a huge struggle as I am high EQ. We argue all the time. It's like we are out of synch. I feel misunderstood ALL the time. He says weird things that are hurtful every day. I love him but it's difficult.

Be prepared for defensiveness and stonewalling anytime you are upset. He may even get angry instead of compassionate. I wouldn't sign up for that kind of life if I had prior warning.

In my case, my husband was being fed what to say to me during dating from a female friend. The sweet things he said weren't even from his own mind or heart, even though he may have felt them after prompting.

It's also hard to trust someone who can't communicate well and repeats as his own what you or others say. I suspect low EQ people aren't in touch with their own feelings and thoughts so they have a hard time with other people's thoughts and feelings.

Of course, I love my husband and will always work on things. I just wish it wasn't so much work to get to baseline normal reactions. It's like teaching an alien how to be human!!

Try talking with him. If he gets angry or defensive, then I would cut bait and find someone else who has a higher ability to connect emotionally.

Thank you for sharing your experience! I can empathise with a lot of what you're saying, e.g. Trying to teach him my perspective, him getting defensive if I don't agree, we have little arguments about things like politics and he is adamant his view is correct etc etc. Won't really take account of my opinion and my view- he doesn't change his mind, quite stubborn.

Yes my bf also says things that aren't the normal reponse that I would expect- his tends to be exactly what he thinks, unfiltered, and does not take into account. How it could affect others.

January 20, 2017

You know what people with high EQ don't do? Depend emotionally on others. They conduct self-management. No way a person with high EQ would cry over a broken phone and then hold grudges for not being comforted. I would barely comfort a 7 y o if he or she broke their most expensive toy, to show them that material things are not to be cried over.

And then expecting him to offer to pay for it... Why wouldn't you want to pay for something you broke yourself? I'd be embarassed if someone offered to pay for my clumsiness, it's like a parent suggesting to replace a candy I dropped on the ground.

Your guy is a piece of work as well and you two seem to bring out the worst of each other. You say you wouldn't over eact if he was more empathetic, but he might feel the same. Maybe he'd be more empathetic if his partner didn't demand sympathy over spilled milk? But otherwise, he doesn't sound like a catch either.

OP, don't take pride in being emotionally immature. It's not cute. Actually it's the definition of not cute. The only thing admirable in adults is acting like adults, when situations calls for it. Try to make it your goal to not be this way anymore, hold back the tears and don't let yourself be associated with children's behaviour. It will help you tremendously in life.

January 20, 2017

You are way too old for this behaviour, OP. You regress to behaving like a child, which isn't appropriate for a 30-year-old woman, no less one who is considering uprooting her entire life to move overseas.

I also live abroad. You need a thick skin to make the jump. It's not easy, and I find new challenges all the time. I have been abroad for 4 years now. If your response to a broken phone is to declare you'd rather have malaria, how on earth are you going to manage when US Customs ushers you into an interview room to determine the validity of your visa, and your relationship? Or when your application for a work permit is denied? Or when you have to prove financial solvency and have your records combed over by authorities? These are just a few examples of the potential obstacles of living abroad, which you may or may not encounter, but I'm not sure you'd have the emotional strength to deal with it. You have a low tolerance for challenging situations.

I do agree that your boyfriend isn't all you wished. A man telling a woman she'd be sexier with a flat stomach is just plain rude. Him not caring whether he met your family when you two are considering marriage is - to me - a bad sign on its own.

However, I would not necessarily call his reactions to your tantrums inappropriate. I think you have an immature and entitled attitude about this, to be honest. It's not reasonable to expect to be babied at your age. And it speaks poorly of your ability to problem-solve and keep calm in the face of stress. He, at 40, is surely turned off by this. Most men want a woman who can handle herself, not a woman who cries and throws fits when she doesn't get her way or when something relatively minor happens.

January 20, 2017

UM, yes? An offer to replace it would have been what I expected or at least a big hug and say it will all be fine. I know that my first bf would have rebought me a new phone, he used to buy me a lot of things.

This is another example of placing expectations on the relationship... "My old boyfriend would buy me things, so you should too..." This man is different, this relationship is different, and you need to let go of those expectations.

To think that he would replace your broken phone is a very entitled expectation. Sorry You are responsible for yourself and your belongings at this point... But even if you were married and it was "our" phone, you should replace it. It's just not a big deal.

January 20, 2017

[]
Do you think that it matters if your partner is a good hearted man inside but has low EQ (but it isn't his fault)?

I'm sorry, but what is "EQ"?

Edited January 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
condensed quote ~6

January 20, 2017

I'm sorry, but what is "EQ"?

Low emotional intelligence. Like low empathy, not in tune with their own feelings, not understanding others emotions.

I don't profess to have a very high EQ myself btw!!

I appreciate all of what you guys are saying. So it's my problem really for needing a lot of attention and reassurance. Do you think it's possible to find a man out there who can handle my moods with kindness, patience and love?

In my boyfriends defence, he does things like:-

1) hold my hand, gives me hugs, kisses me a lot

2) says I'm cute or likes my outfit

3) knows when I'm upset at something and willing to talk about it

4) paid for activities, dinners, and anything else we occur on our outings out

5) buys me small presents when he goes abroad

6) always carries the shopping, always opens doors for me, carries luggage for me

7) always replies to my messages as soon as he reads them

8) asks me about my day

9) tries to introduce me to new activities

10) asks me if I'm okay a lot

11) says he wants me to be happy

12) obliges in whatever I want to do, like activities, foods wise

13) helps me to clean up if I make a mess

14) he did pay me back for the missed flights later on when he had money

15) offered to pay for my schooling

16) he said he neutral about meeting my family because he was scared my mum would interrogate him.

17) takes time to plan holidays and doesn't mind travelling half way across the world to visit me

I've kind of put him on an emotional rollercoaster over the year really, and I'm worried that his patience is now stretched. He said that he was worried we wouldn't get along as I was too spontaneous and scatter brained for him.

Now obviously I want to settle down soon, I just don't want to be looking for another man if A great guy in front of me!!

Edited January 20, 2017 by firefly123

January 20, 2017

Ok, so I'm sure what to think here. In some of your posts he sounds like a jerk, but then you go again and provide information that makes him look like a decent boyfriend.

With this new info I'm inclined to think that it's all you, OP. It sounds like he's about to get enough of your drama and is getting immune to all those unnecessary tears. It's not cool to put someone through an emotional rollercoaster. You're doing a lot of damage and it's about time you stop.

January 20, 2017

Ok, so I'm sure what to think here. In some of your posts he sounds like a jerk, but then you go again and provide information that makes him look like a decent boyfriend.

With this new info I'm inclined to think that it's all you, OP. It sounds like he's about to get enough of your drama and is getting immune to all those unnecessary tears. It's not cool to put someone through an emotional rollercoaster. You're doing a lot of damage and it's about time you stop.

Yes there are many times when he is a great bf. But there are also times when he isn't being very sensitive/ empathetic/ stubborn.

There are many times I am very happy with him, but there are also a few occasions where I just feel upset that my expectations are not met. So my question is are my expectations unrealistic? Should I be happy with he current bf I am with? I did have a case of GIGS with my first bf- he was amazing, adored me etc by I was just bored of the stability and predictability. Now I don't think that would happen with this one cos he keeps me on my toes as he likes to try new things. He is also a dance teacher too so he tries to teach me how to dance and he is very interesting

January 20, 2017

Yes there are many times when he is a great bf. But there are also times when he isn't being very sensitive/ empathetic/ stubborn.

There are many times I am very happy with him, but there are also a few occasions where I just feel upset that my expectations are not met. So my question is are my expectations unrealistic? Should I be happy with he current bf I am with? I did have a case of GIGS with my first bf- he was amazing, adored me etc by I was just bored of the stability and predictability. Now I don't think that would happen with this one cos he keeps me on my toes as he likes to try new things. He is also a dance teacher too so he tries to teach me how to dance and he is very interesting

Yes. Yes, they are.

January 20, 2017

I do think he is rather clueless because when I correct him on his behaviour then next time he won't repeat it. For example I got mad at him for not offering me the only seat on the bus. But every time after that he would always give me the seat.

I can relate to this. Sometimes we men really are clueless and if you let us know, we'll make sure not to make the same mistake again. Careful not to confuse this with trying to fundamentally change a man. That won't work. But if it's a minor thing here and there, no biggie.

January 20, 2017

You know, I was thinking about this, and it comes down to RESPECT.

I wouldn't ever want to conduct myself in an overly emotional way, because I know people would lose respect for me.

I wouldn't expect men to pick up the bill because I broke my phone, or made us late - because I want to be respected as a capable, responsible adult, who doesn't come off as needy and dependant.

I do not conduct myself like a child, as I want to be respected as an adult.

I don't know how your boyfriend could wish you were more rational, say rude things to your face, be inflexible in his choices - and yet RESPECT you.

I want a partner in a relationship, an equal, intellectually and emotionally. A man who I respect immensely, and he respects me.

This acting like a baby stuff isn't part of that equation, but I suppose respect and equality perhaps are not things you desire in a relationship.

January 20, 2017

Even with a good relationship, moving to Seattle would be a big issue for me.

The relatively isolated west coast. Not many places to go from there. If it was the east coast, maybe. New York is only what a 5 hour flight away from Iceland and you're back in Europe again.

The UK being within arms reach of the whole of Europe, North Africa & so many places to go cheaply and easily, think long and hard before you give that up especially for a relationship like that.

Edited January 20, 2017 by ElizabethIII

January 20, 2017

UM, yes? An offer to replace it would have been what I expected or at least a big hug and say it will all be fine. I know that my first bf would have rebought me a new phone, he used to buy me a lot of things.

This is entitlement at its finest.

Do you expect someone else to bail you out of every irritating issue that life throws you your way?

January 20, 2017

This is entitlement at its finest.

Do you expect someone else to bail you out of every irritating issue that life throws you your way?

Quite. You broke your phone, why should anyone else replace it?

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Does it matter if he has a low EQ, if he is a good man inside?

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