Does it matter if he has a low EQ, if he is a good man inside?

[basil67]

Haha I have definitely learnt better how to self soothe, or at least not be so dependent on my other half to reassure me.

 

Before this bf, I had my first bf. He was great at soothing me, but I still had complete melt downs. Now I dont have these melt downs as I've grown older. y first bf used to call them 'my depths of despair moments'. I did dentistry at uni, so it was a really tough course. My first bf knew how to manage me, by trying to remove all those things that made me feel sad. I once cried the entire night, cos I was feeling annoyed he always left his socks on the floor and I had to pick them up for 3 years!! I would also cry about my worries about having children, and how my body would change etc....

 

LOL typing this out makes me sound like a drama queen, but I'm quite calm normally to everyone else who knows me!!!

 

It's great that you have made progress here. Recognition that we have problems is the first step in personal growth.

 

As much as we could chalk up your previous (and current) behaviour to being a drama queen, perhaps there's an underlying issue which needs addressing. Thing is, the amount of distress that ordinary life causes you is truly concerning. Have you spent any time with a psychologist to try and get to the bottom of it? Do you feel that there may even be some underlying diagnosis in there?

[GemmaUK]

My last relationship was with a woman that behaved similar to what you have been describing in this thread. She also hid this behavior from everyone but me. It was an emotionally exhausting relationship and I ended it solely due to these issues.

 

As would I.

I'm very shocked a 30 year old woman would behave this way.

I don't even know women in their early 20's who behave like this.

[firefly123]

Well he is in tech right? And you are used to doctors.

 

One is a profession choose by people who wish to help and nurture others.

 

The other is a field predominanted by engineers and like minded, rational, extremely logical types. I know, we have thousands of them here, and they tend to be a different breed.

 

How do you think you would feel living in a strange place, with no family or friends nearby, and nothing but your cold BF to sooth you?

 

Also, I hate to be a bubble burster, while the cost of living is much better is Washington than it is here in the bay area (tech hub), a 100k a year isn't much for two people to live off of, especially a family to live off of.

 

Seattle is feeling the squeeze from the tech boom as well. The average price of a home there is over $650,000. The average mortgage is $3,000 a month. By the time you consider the extra $600 a month for property taxes, losing a good 35+% of his income to taxes - suddenly$100,000 a year isn't that much any more.

 

Something else to consider if you are still contemplating relocation.

 

Yes youre right, I am surrounded by caring doctors in hospital, who wouldnt mind trying to grapple with a crying 2 year old! ;)They are always looking out for people. I would love it if my bf was the same, but i understand that he isn't a people person. He is extremely logical, he scored 10/10 for a logic quiz whilst i scored a measly 1/10!!!

But my strengths lie in being super observant and also very good at words.

 

I know that $100k isnt a lot, so if I moved, then i would try my best to get into a retraining program. He has already said he would pay for me, since I was upset about the huge training fee.

[basil67]

Could he possibly be on the spectrum? Folks with autism are very logical and sometimes don't understand the intricacies of how to deal with other's emotions. They see a problem and try to come up with a solution (e.g. Let's get your phone fixed.) instead of dealing with the underlying feelings associated with it (e.g. Oh, man, that really sucks!).

 

My son is on the spectrum. I also suspect my boyfriend might be as well. With them I have to be precise with my words with what I want.

 

My ex-boyfriend, although not on the spectrum, was highly logical. Even though I point-blank told him what I needed (e.g. When I'm sad, I just want to vent. I don't need advice.). He straight-up told me he couldn't do that for me. Hence, him being my now ex-boyfriend.

 

If your boyfriend is a good guy for the most part, you have to ask yourself if his lack of emotional comfort is something you can live with.

 

I have an autie son and an aspie BFF, so I know where you're coming from.

 

Funny you should suggest that the BF is on the spectrum. Because I see him as normal but am wondering if there's an underlying dx for the OP. Her (self described) meltowns about regular parts of life are concerning.

[elaine567]

Hi guys

 

I have been dating my bf for almost two years. I have generally noticed that he has a low EQ as in he doesnt know how to comfort me if I am feeling upset (for example, if i cry because I dropped and broke my phone). He doesnt seem to be able to handle me when I get emotional about something. If I cry, he will tend to stare at me blankly and not try to comfort me. He is also unempathetic, because he will tend to say things bluntly, and not take into account my feelings, but he never means to say these things to hurt me. If I let him down in any way, he wont automatically forgive me, but he says where I went wrong and how disappointed he was. He is also very inflexible, it is very hard to persuade him to think of things in my view, and also he doesnt want to compromise a lot of the time. He's also quiet, and my friends see him as a bit of a loner. He doesnt have any close friends, and has never had a gf for more than a few months. He seems a bit socially awkward cos he doesnt have much conversational ability. Most of his vocab are one word replies, and he doesnt know how to continue a conversation. He also never says that he loves me, he doesn't say I am beautiful or pretty (he sometimes says I am cute), he never writes me cards, or send me flowers. He says he finds it difficult to buy a gift for me because he doesnt know what i like. I asked him if he loved me, and he said that he did, but he doesnt come out with it himself. He sometimes says things like he wishes I was more logical and resolute. I ask him so what he likes about me, he says he likes other aspects of my personality like my considerateness and also my sense of humour. He never gushes about me, or says how lucky he is, or how amazing I am etc etc.

 

Do you think that it matters if your partner is a good hearted man inside but has low EQ (but it isn't his fault)?

 

Be careful here that you do not assume things about this man that are untrue.

YOU are "in love" and appear to be sweeping some of those highly unattractive traits under the carpet.

Try living long term with a monosyllabic man, who is honest to the point of rudeness, will never compromise or forgive, will never buy you anything and will never tell you he even likes you...

He will ruin you, it is all tantamount to abuse and no doubt that will be his next trick...

There is a reason he never has any long term gfs.

No-one who values themselves, would put up with such nonsense.

Stay clear is my advice

[firefly123]

As would I.

I'm very shocked a 30 year old woman would behave this way.

I don't even know women in their early 20's who behave like this.

 

People don't change THAT much during their 20s. I think maybe in the US, people grow up faster? Also since I have a baby face people always baby me. And i only graduated school at 26, so i am a bit of a late bloomer. I still played with toys and watch kids TV at 18!! I always wanted to grow up slowly.

[GemmaUK]

Yes youre right, I am surrounded by caring doctors in hospital, who wouldnt mind trying to grapple with a crying 2 year old! ;)They are always looking out for people. I would love it if my bf was the same

 

But you're not a 2 year old.

[basil67]

People don't change THAT much during their 20s. I think maybe in the US, people grow up faster? Also since I have a baby face people always baby me. And i only graduated school at 26, so i am a bit of a late bloomer. I still played with toys and watch kids TV at 18!! I always wanted to grow up slowly.

 

I'm Australian and therefore closer to the UK in attitude. Firefly, your emotional maturity really isn't in the realms of normal no matter which nationality you're comparing yourself to.

 

I'd say that by the age of 9yo, a majority of children are well on their way to coping with the types of problems you are still struggling with.

[RecentChange]

Yes youre right, I am surrounded by caring doctors in hospital, who wouldnt mind trying to grapple with a crying 2 year old! ;)They are always looking out for people. I would love it if my bf was the same, but i understand that he isn't a people person. He is extremely logical, he scored 10/10 for a logic quiz whilst i scored a measly 1/10!!!

But my strengths lie in being super observant and also very good at words.

 

I know that $100k isnt a lot, so if I moved, then i would try my best to get into a retraining program. He has already said he would pay for me, since I was upset about the huge training fee.

 

Seriously, you see each other every few months. It's SO much easier to get along in that sort of scenerio.

 

I do not see you losing your support system, and attempting to live with someone who is so very opposite going well.

 

And how is he going to pay thousands (or was it hundreds of thousands?) In schooling for you, while supporting the two of you financially at the same time?

 

Has a budget been drafted?

 

I have a hard time envisioning a good out come here.

 

You would love it if your bf was someone he is not. I think you NEED him to be someone he is not.

 

You are scared of not being able to find someone better, so you are trying to settle.

[firefly123]

Be careful here that you do not assume things about this man that are untrue.

YOU are "in love" and appear to be sweeping some of those highly unattractive traits under the carpet.

Try living long term with a monosyllabic man, who is honest to the point of rudeness, will never compromise or forgive, will never buy you anything and will never tell you he even likes you...

He will ruin you, it is all tantamount to abuse and no doubt that will be his next trick...

There is a reason he never has any long term gfs.

No-one who values themselves, would put up with such nonsense.

Stay clear is my advice

 

Yeah I often tell myself that I deserve a more caring man and to forget about him. But then something will trigger a good thought about him, and I think about all the good stuff he's done and what I would miss.

 

And he is honest to the point of rudeness although he doesnt mean to be rude, eg. 'you would be sexier if ur stomach was flatter', or to my question 'do u wanna meet my mum and sister when you're in my country?' and he replies 'not too bothered'. and once when i said why do u want to be with me, he said 'because it is a lot of effort to find someone else... and i like you'.

[GemmaUK]

People don't change THAT much during their 20s. I think maybe in the US, people grow up faster? Also since I have a baby face people always baby me. And i only graduated school at 26, so i am a bit of a late bloomer. I still played with toys and watch kids TV at 18!! I always wanted to grow up slowly.

 

I have no idea about the US - I'm from the UK.

 

I am unable to comment on the remainder of your post.

[firefly123]

I'm Australian and therefore closer to the UK in attitude. Firefly, your emotional maturity really isn't in the realms of normal no matter which nationality you're comparing yourself to.

 

I'd say that by the age of 9yo, a majority of children are well on their way to coping with the types of problems you are still struggling with.

 

Yes well I have gotten a lot more mature since dating my bf. Before 28 years old I was very emotionally immature.

[basil67]

I'm wondering if your parents raised you without teaching resilience.

 

When you left a school assignment at home, did your parents bring it to school for you or tell you that you need to be more organised?

 

If you were 15 and cried because something went wrong, did they give you big hugs without talking you through the process of recovery?

 

In short, were you ever taught to give issues perspective? Were you taught to bounce back after disappointment? Did you have to suffer consequences for your actions?

[ashy555]

It sounds like you're not that emotionally compatible. Maybe try talking to him about it. That is all you can do. If he still can't seem to change to make you happier then the relationship is just another experience on your journey to finding the right man. You KNOW what you want. My sister married an awesome guy. Relaxed, easy going. Loves to cook ALL the time. He also isn't sympathetic enough. When she is sick, or tired because their baby isn't sleeping properly, he doesn't give her the comfort that she craves. I've seen it. He is not great at communicating either. Sometimes she can get really depressed about it. That on top of no sleep and shes a wreck. A few weeks ago, she told me I was lucky as I could still pick who I wanted to be with. I was quite shocked by that.

 

It's up to you whether you want to settle for this or keep looking. Do you see yourself still living a happy fulfilling life with this guy?

[firefly123]

Seriously, you see each other every few months. It's SO much easier to get along in that sort of scenerio.

 

I do not see you losing your support system, and attempting to live with someone who is so very opposite going well.

 

And how is he going to pay thousands (or was it hundreds of thousands?) In schooling for you, while supporting the two of you financially at the same time?

 

Has a budget been drafted?

 

I have a hard time envisioning a good out come here.

 

You would love it if your bf was someone he is not. I think you NEED him to be someone he is not.

 

You are scared of not being able to find someone better, so you are trying to settle.

 

Yeah maybe its cos we only see each other now and again we aren't at loggerheads as much, but we did spend a lot of time together before we were long distance.

 

Yes there are some things I would like to change about my bf, but I don't know if there is even someone out there who has the good qualities he has, maybe i would be compromising on other qualities that are important. And since I am turning 30, I do feel the clock ticking a bit, not my biological one, but the fact that it is harder to find amazing men who arent taken. Im not so keen on OLD and all.

[basil67]

And he is honest to the point of rudeness although he doesnt mean to be rude, eg. 'you would be sexier if ur stomach was flatter', or to my question 'do u wanna meet my mum and sister when you're in my country?' and he replies 'not too bothered'. and once when i said why do u want to be with me, he said 'because it is a lot of effort to find someone else... and i like you'.

 

Sexier if your stomach was flatter is rude. I agree.

 

His reply about meeting your parents was honest but not rude.

 

The last one? Well, you're also settling because you're worried you won't find someone else, so I guess you're even on that count. At least he's honest about the fact that he's not head over heels for you but simply settling because he's too lazy to look for anyone else .

 

Emotional intelligence issues aside, you need to end this relationship. Both of you are clearly 'settling' and you don't want to move near him anyway. It's a recipe for disaster.

[firefly123]

I'm wondering if your parents raised you without teaching resilience.

 

When you left a school assignment at home, did your parents bring it to school for you or tell you that you need to be more organised?

 

If you were 15 and cried because something went wrong, did they give you big hugs without talking you through the process of recovery?

 

In short, were you ever taught to give issues perspective? Were you taught to bounce back after disappointment? Did you have to suffer consequences for your actions?

 

Actually I never cried before the age of 19,20. I prided myself on not crying. Even now I pretend I am strong and never cry with my family. I act like things are no big deal. I grew up with an emotionally absent father, and a mother who was too young when she had me, she always regretted marrying my dad and plainly made it so. They were always arguing.

 

I was quite organised at school, but they never told me off for forgetting homework. My mum would do her best to get it to me if i forgot. I only had to call her. I was never really disappointed at school either, cos I always got excellent grades.

 

Suffering consequences for actions would only be being smacked by my mum if i had been fighting with my sister.

[RecentChange]

I think trying to stick a square peg in a round hole because your clock is ticking is a terrible idea.

 

Spending a lot of time together is a whole different beast than living together. Managing a home together. Working through all the crap life throws at you together.

 

Do you have similar spending habits? Same levels of cleanliness and house keeping?

 

If you cried all night over socks on the floor (!!!) Let me tell you. Married life includes a lot of compromises, a lot of choosing your battles wisely, and knowing what to allow to get under your skin, and what to allow to roll off your back.

 

I know many engineers. Some of my good male friends some much like your BF. I would never dream that they could live in harmony with someone as emotional as you are.

[firefly123]

I think trying to stick a square peg in a round hole because your clock is ticking is a terrible idea.

 

Spending a lot of time together is a whole different beast than living together. Managing a home together. Working through all the crap life throws at you together.

 

Do you have similar spending habits? Same levels of cleanliness and house keeping?

 

If you cried all night over socks on the floor (!!!) Let me tell you. Married life includes a lot of compromises, a lot of choosing your battles wisely, and knowing what to allow to get under your skin, and what to allow to roll off your back.

 

I know many engineers. Some of my good male friends some much like your BF. I would never dream that they could live in harmony with someone as emotional as you are.

 

Haha yes when I cried all night, that was cos the feelings of being taken for granted for picking up my ex's socks every day and doing the laundry every day for him just got too much. He didnt listen to me, and would rather play video games as soon as he got home from uni.

 

But this bf, cos he is accustomed to being single almost all of his life, knows how to keep a household clean and know how to wash his clothes!! He doesnt expect me to do his laundry. We have similar spending habits, eating habits, travelling, interests, TV shows etc.

 

I am worried how I would cope sometimes if i didnt get the support and sympathy I needed, but at the same time, I realise that some of it is my fault, and i need to grow up a bit otherwise I will never find a man who is wholly compatible!!

[basil67]

I was quite organised at school, but they never told me off for forgetting homework. My mum would do her best to get it to me if i forgot. I only had to call her. I was never really disappointed at school either, cos I always got excellent grades.

 

Suffering consequences for actions would only be being smacked by my mum if i had been fighting with my sister.

 

Your mum bringing homework to school would have exacerbated your problem with lack of resilience. Her actions caused you to be sheltered from natural consequences for your actions. This then impedes your ability to grow in resilience.

 

It's right that she should not have told you off for forgetting homework. The outcome at school would be the suitable punishment. Sadly, you were protected from this.

 

Having bad stuff happen, suffering the consequences and coming out the other side is what makes us strong. But having her fix your problems as soon as you called her will prevent such personal growth.

[ashy555]

Yeah I often tell myself that I deserve a more caring man and to forget about him. But then something will trigger a good thought about him, and I think about all the good stuff he's done and what I would miss.

 

And he is honest to the point of rudeness although he doesnt mean to be rude, eg. 'you would be sexier if ur stomach was flatter', or to my question 'do u wanna meet my mum and sister when you're in my country?' and he replies 'not too bothered'. and once when i said why do u want to be with me, he said 'because it is a lot of effort to find someone else... and i like you'.

 

 

NO no no no no no no........

 

It seems you both have some major flaws, which are flaws that cannot really work together unless you both change. You are very emotionally high maintenance while he has a 'I don't care about anything or anyone' kind of attitude.

You are not compatible in the slightest and moving to a new country where he is your only support is going to be hard for the both of you. He has already expressed his concern about your compatibility. You have to be smart about this.

I would HATE it if a man told me I would be much sexier if my stomach were flatter. He would also hate it when you instantly call him a bad boyfriend to his face for not magically reading your mind and bringing you a cuppa.

I would also want someone who would want to meet my family. Not say they don't care. URGggg.

[elaine567]

And he is honest to the point of rudeness although he doesnt mean to be rude, eg. 'you would be sexier if ur stomach was flatter', or to my question 'do u wanna meet my mum and sister when you're in my country?' and he replies 'not too bothered'. and once when i said why do u want to be with me, he said 'because it is a lot of effort to find someone else... and i like you'.

 

How do YOU know he doesn't mean to be rude?

YOU are minimising and trying to justify him bringing you down by saying he doesn't mean it.

Many men try to bring women down like this, it is a form of emotional abuse. She tells herself he doesn't mean it, he is not being nasty, he is just being a bit clueless...

He chips away at her self esteem until she is a shadow of her former self and he thus controls her.

YOU sound like a vulnerable woman, such men prey on vulnerable women. It was no coincidence he found you, he was looking for a woman like you.

His finding fault, his no compromise attitude, his refusal to discuss issues, all point to a man who likes control.

Be very careful here.

 

I just realised. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/608756-30y-female-should-i-sacrifice-my-life-move-usa-probable-fiance

DO NOT move to the USA to be with this man. He will want to isolate you and it will be a complete disaster for you.

RUN is my advice.

[firefly123]

Becoming over emotional and needing to be comforted frequently over silly things like a broken phone is actually a sign of a low EQ. That all comes down to not being able to control your emotions and handle every day trials that life throws at you. Your BF staring at your blankly when you start crying over things that he likely thinks is silly is just him becoming desensitized to your frequent need to be comforted.

 

I think if I were not with my bf I would be fine with the broken phone. I would have sorted it out without feeling upset for long. But cos I was with him, I expected to receive sympathy and reassurance from him that things would be fine (even though I know they would be).

He's always been like this rather than being desensitised to it cos I've not been upset before that.

[firefly123]

How do YOU know he doesn't mean to be rude?

YOU are minimising and trying to justify him bringing you down by saying he doesn't mean it.

Many men try to bring women down like this, it is a form of emotional abuse. She tells herself he doesn't mean it, he is not being nasty, he is just being a bit clueless...

He chips away at her self esteem until she is a shadow of her former self and he thus controls her.

YOU sound like a vulnerable woman, such men prey on vulnerable women. It was no coincidence he found you, he was looking for a woman like you.

His finding fault, his no compromise attitude, his refusal to discuss issues, all point to a man who likes control.

Be very careful here.

 

I just realised. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/608756-30y-female-should-i-sacrifice-my-life-move-usa-probable-fiance

DO NOT move to the USA to be with this man. He will want to isolate you and it will be a complete disaster for you.

RUN is my advice.

 

He's definitely not a control freak. I mean if I said I was going to break up with him, he wouldn't make a big fuss. He would take it matter of factly and wouldnt try to chase me back etc. He is very straightforward like that.

 

He also gives me a lot of independence cos he doesn't get jealous of any guys I talk to etc. He doesn't mind it if I go out with guy friends alone. He thinks that it is good that I am independent and have friends to talk to.

 

I do think he is rather clueless because when I correct him on his behaviour then next time he won't repeat it. For example I got mad at him for not offering me the only seat on the bus. But every time after that he would always give me the seat.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I have no idea about the US - I'm from the UK.

 

I am unable to comment on the remainder of your post.

 

I am in the U.S. No, it IS NOT the norm for 18-year-olds to play with children's toys the way the OP describes, to have "meltdowns" past the age of four or so (elementary schools call parents if young children melt down in class because it is considered concerning if even a fairly young child can't self-regulate to keep from falling to pieces), to want to be treated "like a 2-year-old, ha ha!" or to cry in order to earn more attention than one is currently receiving.