Author NotLookingBack1 Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 As it seems to be a important thing in his life, I am a bit surprised that you are not already invited. I am invited, I'm just obviously a plane flight away so assumed not going as we'll see each other 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after
Author NotLookingBack1 Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 You should tell him. Not necessarily because he'd be annoyed if you showed up unannounced, but because YOU might be. He would likely have made plans for the weekend with the expectation that he'd be available for them - what would your expectations be in that regard? Would you expect him to cancel, or would you truly be okay with sitting in his house alone for most of the weekend after going to all that trouble? I agree with smackie, save yourself the disappointment. Tell him that you'll be there, and surprise him in some other way (bring a gift, cook a meal, sexy lingerie, etc etc). I'm originally from there, so most of my close family are. If he somehow had a camping expedition or cross country trip or some other unlikely ordeal planned for Saturday (Which I would bet significant money he doesn't--it's February, cold, and he spends half his Saturday sleeping and other half reading usually), I would go stay with my family, no big deal. I wouldn't expect him to cancel plans nor would I be disappointed, that would actually just be the cost of me surprising him. I'm pretty low maintenance--I've learned to roll with the punches. The other surprise suggestions sound lamely stupid, no offense. Those are the things I already do. Those are the things I put in suitcase and other random spots for him to find after I visit. Those aren't a big deal. Maybe at the root of it..Part of me really DOES want to see what he does when I'm not there. These are the really hard parts of a long distance relationship. To be very honest..If he randomly walked in right now while i'm sitting here typing this, I would probably cry from happiness. Then yell at him to go do my laundry I have nothing to hide. I'd be peeved he'd see my house a mess. That's about it.....But I worry it wouldn't be the same in reverse. That's why I keep saying "i don't want to ruin his weekend": What if he got lividly angry I showed up unannounced, and felt I was trying to check up on him?
anna121 Posted January 21, 2017 Posted January 21, 2017 Given what you're just posted I say go ahead and surprise him. Just be braced.
soyou Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 I vote for surprising him! Life is too short! Even if he doesnt like surprises, it's good for you to see how he responds and reacts to unexpected circumstances! If I were him, I'd love your surprise!
kendahke Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 (edited) What if he got lividly angry I showed up unannounced, and felt I was trying to check up on him?How he reacts to you turning up is a part of the variables you cannot control. And you are trying to check up on him--else you wouldn't have said so yourself: now that you mention it, seeing how things are when im not there is kind of appealing. Part of me really DOES want to see what he does when I'm not there. These are the really hard parts of a long distance relationship.Which is why if you don't have a solid foundation of trust, LDR's are a really bad idea. The truth of the matter is: no one here's feelings are going to be affected if you show up unannounced, so if you're going to do it, then you will also have to stand in the middle of that truth and take your buttwhippin' for it. It may not go the way you've got it scripted out in your head--there is a 50% chance of that happening. It will also let him know, even if he's glad to see you, that you're checking up on him. That would be the first thing that would come to my mind if my LDR boyfriend turned up out of the blue, but then again, I don't say one thing and do another behind his back. What you will learn out of this is what his level of integrity is. Be just as prepared for him to fall short and disappoint as you would be for him to dissolve into a fawning puddle over you. Edited January 22, 2017 by kendahke
Redhead14 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 I don't have any reason to believe he's cheating on me. So I don't think that's it. That being said, now that you mention it, seeing how things are when im not there is kind of appealing. But I think it's kind of a normal girlfriend thing to want to see him play, especially in what may be the final gig of the band. Also it's a supportive thing. I know if i had a really cool or big thing happen in my life, I'd understand he's 2000 miles away and can't be there, but in my heart I would be kind of disappointed about it. Also, his friend I hate who routinely oversteps her bounds, and conveniently is never around when I'm in town, gets to go his concert...but I don't? I don't have any reason to believe he's cheating on me -- Said every woman who was surprised to find out he's cheating. Also, his friend I hate who routinely oversteps her bounds, and conveniently is never around when I'm in town, gets to go his concert...but I don't -- It sounds to me like you do have a reason to at least be concerned possible cheating. I think it's a bad idea to surprise him . . . you may be the one who gets surprised. I'd tell him about it and observe his reaction. If he's get nervous, starts making excuses for you not to come, etc., I'd start wondering. If he says, "Wow, that will be fantastic!" -- all good. It's still a surprise even if you tell him. 3
Jj66 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 I didn't know about the bounds overstepping friend. It's becoming clear that you want to surprise him for your own peace of mind. Don't surprise him. If he's not cheating, your lack of trust will be evident and he will be offended by your checking up on him. If he is cheating it's going to be a horrible trip for both of you. I don't know how you can get the peace of mind you seek. Trust is hard enough when not done at a long distance. This is why in my LDR we agreed that we could see other people. Our rule was simple: don't ask, don't tell. I couldn't move and she had no plans to move anytime soon. The idea of indefinite monogamy seemed too much of a burden to place on each other but we still wanted to explore a relationship together. In this arrangement we just assumed the other might be seeing someone else. The peace of mind came not from being confident we were the one and only but in knowing that our relationship still existed. If she met someone better (closer and just as good?) and wanted to end the relationship she would have told me. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 But I think it's kind of a normal girlfriend thing to want to see him play, especially in what may be the final gig of the band. Also it's a supportive thing. I know if i had a really cool or big thing happen in my life -- It is a normal "girlfriend" thing to want and it is supportive. He may not want two "girlfriends" in the audience though. The backstage scene could be ugly. Tell him you are coming and observe his reaction. You may be saving yourself some money and time. It will still hurt if he dodges this. But, if he's all in about it, you will have an exciting trip to look forward to instead of a miserable trip home. 2
preraph Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 I'm just going to jump in here again. It was never a surprise when I showed up to a gig because music was my main pasttime and everyone knew it, but you have to have the stomach for dating or pursuing or sleeping with a musician. Now, I hear people saying he rarely plays so maybe he doesn't have a big fan base. That's fine. But one of the biggest players I ever knew was in a local cover band at the Holiday Inn Lounge. It was like a piranha swarm all the women fighting over him. I would never have let the fear of another woman being there deter me, but that's because I KNEW there would always be other women there hitting on them. I used to go fully cocked and loaded and dressed to the nines and if I was having any trouble with him flirting with girls or if there was one there acting like she belonged to him, I would talk to other guys, danced with other guys. I made a guy break his string once doing that when I went in a cut-on-the-bias vintage dress and a wide hat and let a British guy sit down with me and start his hand-holding routine over the table flirting openly with me. This guitarist was always over at my house but tried to act like he didn't really care, you see. But he was quick to get jealous. Depending on the situation, like if there was another woman there, I might refuse to approach them and kind of force them to come to me where I was sitting, holding court with all our friends, so they had to make that choice of which woman to keep happy, walk off from the one I didn't know to talk to me, or whether to ignore me and also get marked down by the friend circle. I have tons of experience in this area, and it's not for lightweights. My thing, bottom line, is I was mainly there for the music, though, so no one had a reasonable expectation of me not being there.
Author NotLookingBack1 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) But I think it's kind of a normal girlfriend thing to want to see him play, especially in what may be the final gig of the band. Also it's a supportive thing. I know if i had a really cool or big thing happen in my life Tell him you are coming and observe his reaction. You may be saving yourself some money and time. It will still hurt if he dodges this. But, if he's all in about it, you will have an exciting trip to look forward to instead of a miserable trip home. I did this last night. I'd had a pretty hellish day and figured one more thing to go wrong before I went to sleep couldn't hurt. I told him my potential plan, and he told me, "It would be a pretty big waste. You're welcome to, but that's a lot of spending all your airline miles and a ton of time traveling to only be here a little while. And I'll probably have to drive my gear back up to ____ (his brother's garage) after the show." He wasn't discouraging me but he certainly wasn't excited/encouraging me about it, either.Then he continued with, "Besides, I'm going to see you this weekend, and then we probably have that trip planned the end of February, that's only like 20 days in between." ....Only 20 days in between. That's when I lost it: I don't know if it was the really bad day at work, or not being allowed to eat all day, or that long distance is grating on me. But I broke down and basically asked him what the point of long distance is if I can't be there for simple little normal things, and seeing someone every 20 days is considered short and normal and totally okay, and most of all what is the point of an LDR when there is no end date or goal in sight? Edited January 25, 2017 by NotLookingBack1
kendahke Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 what the point of long distance is if I can't be there for simple little normal things, and seeing someone every 20 days is considered short and normal and totally okay, and most of all what is the point of an LDR when there is no end date or goal in sight? One has to have a considerable amount of self discipline in order to maintain LDRs. If you're someone who needs to have consistent interaction, then it's going to become a bad idea really quickly.
kendahke Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 You're welcome to, but that's a lot of spending all your airline miles and a ton of time traveling to only be here a little while. And I'll probably have to drive my gear back up to ____ (his brother's garage) after the show." He wasn't discouraging me He said you're welcome to come, so go. If you want to spend your miles up like that, that's what they're for. The visit may involve roadie work of shlepping gear to his brother's garage instead of a fun hang-out after the gig, but you will at least be there for some simple normal things. Just dress for moving Marshall stacks. but he certainly wasn't excited/encouraging me about it, either. To be fair, you called him while you were in a bad mood, too. Order the ticket, make the hotel and car hire reservations and go.
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 and most of all what is the point of an LDR when there is no end date or goal in sight? And here is the real issue. 2
anna121 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I'm sorry the call didn't go well. I think what it shows is that he is not where you are at, emotionally. At all. You would have been thrilled had he proposed the same thing to come see you. He was...indifferent. Now. In the grand scheme of things, 20 days in an LDR doesn't seem all that long to me. (Personal context: before we got married, H and I spent a year on opposite sides of the world and saw each other twice in 10 months.) I think you're clearly not cut out for this kind of relationship - not a dig at you just an observation.
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