Surprise visit LDR boyfriend--Terrible idea or not?

[NotLookingBack1]

I need some input, perspectives and advice.

Boyfriend of 5-6 months, we live far enough away we typically only see each other once a month.

He's been in a band for years, all the way back to the beginning of college. Now that everyone's older, they only play a show about once a year. Sometimes less. Their last show was long before we got together, and almost a year ago.

 

His band now has a show planned in a couple weeks. He's created a fb event, everyone is invited, etc. I'm toying with the idea of flying in for the concert, and surprising him by being in the audience. It's a friday night. I'd fly back out Sunday morning. I have enough credit card miles/points to do the whole thing and have it cost me less than $50.

 

I got the day approved off from work, but I can always cancel it.

 

But I'm hesitating because I've never surprised anyone. I know if it were me, I wouldn't like to be surprised, but that's only because when he comes to visit me I have to clean the whole house, wax my legs, whiten my teeth--things only women have to worry about. Stuff he doesn't do anyways when I come during a planned visit.

I have his best friend's phone number and could always run it past him and have him check and make sure my BF isn't doing anything I'd foul up by being there that Saturday.

 

Anyone have any experience with this? is this a terrible idea or a sweet idea?

It's also right before valentine's day. I'll see him this weekend, and then we have a long weekend trip planned the end of february, so this would be right in between.

[Jj66]

When I was in an LDR I would have been thrilled By a surprise visit from my girlfriend even if I were embarrassed about the cleanliness of my house.

[Larryville]

I would have been thrilled By a surprise visit from my girlfriend even if I were embarrassed about the cleanliness of my house.

 

I had to ponder this, I guess I would not have an issue (would like) and I’m enough of a neat freak where someone dropping in on me is no big deal.

 

Being the skeptical type if you DID have an issue with it, there might be trust issues in the relationship

[SunnySide0418]

What could he be doing that you'd "foul up"? How do you think your boyfriend would feel about the surprise? Go with your gut.

[clia]

Why the need to surprise him? Why not just tell him you'd like to come out that weekend for the show?

 

It would be one thing if you were just going out for the evening for the show, but I assume you will be expecting to stay at his place for two nights and spend the rest of the weekend with him? Surprising him in that situation could end up really annoying for him, if he has other plans for his weekend that he will have to cancel last minute. (I'm not saying he wouldn't be happy to see you, but showing up for an entire weekend unannounced seems kind of rude to me.)

[NotLookingBack1]

Why the need to surprise him? Why not just tell him you'd like to come out that weekend for the show?

 

It would be one thing if you were just going out for the evening for the show, but I assume you will be expecting to stay at his place for two nights and spend the rest of the weekend with him? Surprising him in that situation could end up really annoying for him, if he has other plans for his weekend that he will have to cancel last minute. (I'm not saying he wouldn't be happy to see you, but showing up for an entire weekend unannounced seems kind of rude to me.)

 

I feel like telling him wouldn't be as great for some reason. It would be like if someone made sure to tell me they got me a birthday present, and what it was. I'd still be happy, but it wouldn't be the same. Also I don't want the weekend to really be about me. I just want to see his show, the way most girlfriends would. I don't want it to really be about me making a visit, like all the other times i've gone have been.

 

And your second point is what is making me hesitate--I don't want to ruin his weekend. I could check with his best friend first--who is typically the only person he does anything with on saturday afternoon anyways. Of he and I, I'm the one with obsessive planning tendencies. He typically sleeps in til 1 or so on Saturdays, goes to the grocery, and then a coffee shop. I would be back out at 6 am Sunday morning. I could even Uber so he doesn't have to wake up. i could do the same thing and fly out saturday morning instead (there is only one non-stop from his city to mine a day on the weekends, and it's 6 AM), but that means i would only be there for 9 hours total.

 

I could also ask his roommate or his brother (who is in the band) if i need intel while planning to make sure he isn't doing anything. I just don't want to look like a creep.

[smackie9]

Good lord just let him know.....surprise him with something else like sexy lingerie....he would appreciate that way more.

[ASG]

I'm a big believer in surprises. I've surprised my mom twice on her birthday, by flying in to town without her knowing. Also once for easter. The look on her face was priceless each time.

 

I'd go for it!

[rester]

Anyone have any experience with this? is this a terrible idea or a sweet idea?

 

Terrible idea, in my opinion. I think if you're questioning the surprise you don't know him well enough to know if he likes surprises or not. I would absolutely hate a surprise like this. I don't think it's worth the risk at all. It could go very well but it could also go very badly and you are putting him in a position where even if he doesn't like the surprise he is going to have to pretend he does, which is going to cause resentment on his part. Way too risky in my opinion. It's a big gamble on your part.

 

What if he has other plans for Saturday? Now he's going to have to reschedule everything because of this surprise visit.

 

I suggest either discussing the visit with him first or waiting for your next visit.

 

But I'm hesitating because I've never surprised anyone. I know if it were me, I wouldn't like to be surprised....

 

I'd stick to the Golden Rule in this situation. He may not prepare for your visits in the same way you prepare for his, but he still most likely does prepare in other ways.

[kendahke]

As long as you can be at peace with whatever it is you discover on this surprise visit, be it good or bad, I say go for it. You won't be able to rest your mind and trust him unless you see for yourself what he's doing when you're not around. That isn't a solid foundation if this is the case.

 

It sounds more to me like you have a hunch that's bothering you and you want to make a flying visit to catch him in some inconsistency he's been feeding you.

 

If this is the case, then dont' call his boy--his loyalty isn't with you. If someone called me about surprising my best friend and they said "don't tell bff that I'm coming", the first thing I'd do when I hung up the phone would be to call bff and let her know. Why? Because my loyalty is with her and not him.

 

I'd tell him I'm coming and see what he says. If he's all excited, then you're good to go. If he is reluctant, dismissive, perturbed or anything other than glad I'm coming, then there is your answer--your relationship isn't on as solid a foundation as you've led yourself to believe it was.

 

The script you're running in your head works because you can control the variables ... the minute it stops being a script and becomes an acted upon reality, you have absolutely no control of the variables in play. What sounds like a great idea can dissolve into a hideous mess in a very short amount of time.

Edited January 19, 2017 by kendahke

[kendahke]

I feel like telling him wouldn't be as great for some reason.

 

Then it could very well be that your relationship isn't as solid as you think it is.

 

Surprising him would be an even worse idea then...

[kendahke]

I'm a big believer in surprises. I've surprised my mom twice on her birthday, by flying in to town without her knowing. Also once for easter. The look on her face was priceless each time.

 

I'd go for it!

 

A boyfriend one has only been dealing with for 5-6 months and with whom one is having sex isn't a mother with unconditional love for the child she bore and reared.

 

Of course your mom is happy to see you. C'est visiblement...

[NotLookingBack1]

As long as you can be at peace with whatever it is you discover on this surprise visit, be it good or bad, I say go for it. You won't be able to rest your mind and trust him unless you see for yourself what he's doing when you're not around. That isn't a solid foundation if this is the case.

 

It sounds more to me like you have a hunch that's bothering you and you want to make a flying visit to catch him in some inconsistency he's been feeding you.

 

If this is the case, then dont' call his boy--his loyalty isn't with you. If someone called me about surprising my best friend and they said "don't tell bff that I'm coming", the first thing I'd do when I hung up the phone would be to call bff and let her know. Why? Because my loyalty is with her and not him.

 

I'd tell him I'm coming and see what he says. If he's all excited, then you're good to go. If he is reluctant, dismissive, perturbed or anything other than glad I'm coming, then there is your answer--your relationship isn't on as solid a foundation as you've led yourself to believe it was.

 

The script you're running in your head works because you can control the variables ... the minute it stops being a script and becomes an acted upon reality, you have absolutely no control of the variables in play. What sounds like a great idea can dissolve into a hideous mess in a very short amount of time.

 

I don't have any reason to believe he's cheating on me. So I don't think that's it. That being said, now that you mention it, seeing how things are when im not there is kind of appealing.

But I think it's kind of a normal girlfriend thing to want to see him play, especially in what may be the final gig of the band. Also it's a supportive thing. I know if i had a really cool or big thing happen in my life, I'd understand he's 2000 miles away and can't be there, but in my heart I would be kind of disappointed about it.

Also, his friend I hate who routinely oversteps her bounds, and conveniently is never around when I'm in town, gets to go his concert...but I don't?

[NotLookingBack1]

A boyfriend one has only been dealing with for 5-6 months and with whom one is having sex C'est visiblement...

 

If it makes any difference, we were good friends for 2 years before we started dating, and it's a really long story but i've known him most of my life (since early childhood), so I have a pretty good understanding of dealing with him, i just don't want to ruin his weekend somehow.

[basil67]

As it's the last gig for the band, I reckon they'll be planning some pretty big celebrations afterwards.

 

A few posters have mentioned that he might be disappointed if he has to cancel plans because you turn up unannounced. But on the flip side, what if he doesn't cancel any plans and instead expects you to join in? Will you be Ok if it doesn't end up as a romantic weekend?

[anna121]

I feel like telling him wouldn't be as great for some reason. It would be like if someone made sure to tell me they got me a birthday present, and what it was. I'd still be happy, but it wouldn't be the same. Also I don't want the weekend to really be about me. I just want to see his show, the way most girlfriends would. I don't want it to really be about me making a visit, like all the other times i've gone have been.

 

And your second point is what is making me hesitate--I don't want to ruin his weekend. I could check with his best friend first--who is typically the only person he does anything with on saturday afternoon anyways. Of he and I, I'm the one with obsessive planning tendencies. He typically sleeps in til 1 or so on Saturdays, goes to the grocery, and then a coffee shop. I would be back out at 6 am Sunday morning. I could even Uber so he doesn't have to wake up. i could do the same thing and fly out saturday morning instead (there is only one non-stop from his city to mine a day on the weekends, and it's 6 AM), but that means i would only be there for 9 hours total.

 

I could also ask his roommate or his brother (who is in the band) if i need intel while planning to make sure he isn't doing anything. I just don't want to look like a creep.

 

Your worry about "ruining his weekend", and your desire to make as little a footprint as possible while you are there is extremely self-effacing and suggests either a lack of self-esteem or a lack of confidence in this relationship.

 

I'm not against surprises, but in this case it seems...unwise.

[preraph]

Speaking as someone with a lot of experience with band guys, if you surprise him, you're going to find he's got other women in his life and end up sad. Also, because he certainly has other women about, he may view this as you checking up on him. There isn't a band guy on the face of the earth who only has sex one time a month when he sees his LDR.

[ASG]

Speaking as someone with a lot of experience with band guys, if you surprise him, you're going to find he's got other women in his life and end up sad. Also, because he certainly has other women about, he may view this as you checking up on him. There isn't a band guy on the face of the earth who only has sex one time a month when he sees his LDR.

 

I think you're overstating this. They only have ONE GIG a year. So clearly, it's not the most active of bands. It seems more like a casual thing.

[ashy555]

Personally I would feel uncomfortable surprising him like that so early on. He will most likely be thrilled but I always get too nervous about that sort of thing. Why don't you tell him a few days beforehand or even the week before. It will still be a surprise but gives him some time to figure out his weekend so he can spent it with you. Otherwise he may be caught a bit off guard and already have a whole weekend planned to go camping or something. You never know. Its a lovely thing to do though!

[kendahke]

I don't have any reason to believe he's cheating on me. So I don't think that's it. That being said, now that you mention it, seeing how things are when im not there is kind of appealing.

But I think it's kind of a normal girlfriend thing to want to see him play, especially in what may be the final gig of the band. Also it's a supportive thing. I know if i had a really cool or big thing happen in my life, I'd understand he's 2000 miles away and can't be there, but in my heart I would be kind of disappointed about it.

Also, his friend I hate who routinely oversteps her bounds, and conveniently is never around when I'm in town, gets to go his concert...but I don't?

 

I'm not saying don't go--I'm saying get his reaction to you saying you're coming. I'm certainly not advocating you playing games just because something is appealing.

[kendahke]

i just don't want to ruin his weekend somehow.

 

this is like the 2nd or 3rd time you've said this and there is a reason why you feel showing up unannounced = ruining his weekend. That is why I'm saying sound him out on the notion... because if you weren't stuck on this point, this thread wouldn't be here. You'd just go and have fun, not dread his reaction.

[elaine567]

As it seems to be a important thing in his life, I am a bit surprised that you are not already invited.

[Ronnys93]

The only way I can see it ruining his weekend is if he does have plans when you decide to show up and he can't accommodate for your visit. The better thing to do would be to ask some open ended questions about his plans for the weekends. THEN, go by what your intuition says from what he tells you. Only you can make that decision.

[Popsicle]

Just tell him. Surprise him by telling him.

[Els]

You should tell him. Not necessarily because he'd be annoyed if you showed up unannounced, but because YOU might be. He would likely have made plans for the weekend with the expectation that he'd be available for them - what would your expectations be in that regard? Would you expect him to cancel, or would you truly be okay with sitting in his house alone for most of the weekend after going to all that trouble?

 

I agree with smackie, save yourself the disappointment. Tell him that you'll be there, and surprise him in some other way (bring a gift, cook a meal, sexy lingerie, etc etc).