Author betweenthesheets Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 OP states he's hanging on to the thread of his integrity. I can relate to that. I think it's the last bit of power he has in the situation since she's pressuring him to give in, and I think subconsciously why he's holding out. As a woman, I see OP's MW as pressuring for that last physical act because it completes her seduction over him. Some women use sex like this as you know. I know most men can bang without attachment, but OP is already attached so I think he would fall further into the rabbit hole. I'll admit, not proudly, that towards the end of my A, I changed my mind about banging xMM. I already knew he would carry on the A for as long as I let it go on (why wouldn't he with everything on his terms and BS none the wiser). I began to feel that if xMM crossed that line with me, there would be no going back on some level for him and that I would win. Like at least he'd be so addicted that some power would shift back my way (especially after talking explicitly about what we'd do to each other for a year). I never quite believed his lines about his little head wanted to bang me but his big head wouldn't let him do it because he couldn't give me everything in life. Question needing male translation from the men here, please... In the bolded part above, is this at all true for men? If so, under what circumstances? In the italicized part above, what do you make of that comment? Sorry if I've TJ'd. I'm sorry that he put your through that Barrel, I know from just briefly talking with you, that you deserve so much better. I've actually wondered that myself my situation, my MW REALLY wants intercourse, I've wondered if I give to her maybe she will get addicted and I will have more control? Maybe she might even leave her husband? But ultimately, I think it would shift power to her more so than to me, and like you said earlier, I would fall further in the rabbit hole and would likely regret at the end of the relationship. So, yeah, I think men can feel the same way, but honestly if one of the two are in a relationship who feels that there's a powershift gain from having sex, that's probably not a good sign for the relationship. It should be about love and connecting (unless your objective is just to get laid in the relationship) with each other on a different level, not about who will have more power over who and who will become addicted. Also, I think his line sounds likely bogus. It's kind of the same with my situation, why couldn't he give you everything if he truly loved you? Why can't he express his love for you in that way just because he couldn't give you everything? I guess his line could be true if he honestly felt if he would sleep with you that you would just be so infatuated with him that you would interfere with his life? Even still, that sounds like a little questionable.
Author betweenthesheets Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 "Moral fiber"? Why don't you tell her husband it's moral, and check his reaction. I left my ExW over an EA. Whether they screwed or not, it's still cheating. I can guarantee you will end up in a fetal position balling your eyes out when the sh*t hits the fan. I agree Buddy, as I've mentioned several times before, I'm not trying to claim a morality win by any means, and I realize just an EA is as damaging as having sex with a PA. it's simply the one thing that I have left that I haven't flipped on for her. As she knew before the EA started, I would never entertain a relationship with a married woman and I would never sleep with one. So I fell in love, and a EA and PA minus sex has happened. That's on me, I failed in living up to my morals, im disappointed in myself for it , but I still have maintained resisting sex with a married woman. I know crazy considering how I'm already deep with this woman, but sex is really the last fiber that was me before the A started. Am I really overthinking this? Is it silly considering how deep and far I've already went?
BluesPower Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 HadMeOverABarrel, I know... Listen, she has her hooks into him. A lot of women do this to men. I am just saying, "Have fun because you are just going to go there anyway". He might as well start now. He is young he will enjoy the sex and learn from the broken heart that he will get. Most guys get over that a little quicker than most girls. So I am saying stop agonizing about it and get busy...
sandylee1 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 It's sad to see that after your speech to her, telling her you knew she was playing you, you still are in it neck deep. It's only a matter of time before you cave and have full blown sex and then you'll be hooked even more. It will feel so good in the moment you empty yourself inside her, until she leaves your bed to go back to her husband. Then she may send you a text saying how good it was and how you're the best she's ever had. You light up her body and she feels so close to you when you're inside her. All designed to keep you hooked and stroke your ego, while you feel better than her husband, for being able to give her that passion. And you'll never have the power over her. You don't have it now and you'll have even less when you sleep with her. You've accepted being the secondary man in her life and she doesn't see you as worth leaving her husband. When she's weighed it up and down, he's better than you are (in her mind) and the cons outweigh the pros. She's happy to cheat, but she wouldn't want a partner like yourself, who didn't have the willpower to resist another woman. You've shown her your weakness. Even if you aren't going to date others, you should make her think you are. Level the playing field a bit. 4
Author betweenthesheets Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) She's convincing Sandy, I don't know how else to explain it other than I've probed, bluffed, questioned, offered her every opportunity to come clean and she hasn't. She wont, she insists that she loves me and you know, when I see her face, her emotions, it feels real, but when she's gone, logic kicks back in, guilt and morality come back and self worth and I begin hitting the forums hoping someone here will say, hell, maybe she's for real, give her a chance. But like Barrel said, with her suck bet analogy, I'm here because I know I'm a potential sucker and you guys have been through this to guide me. But damnit Sandy, your post really has me thinking WTF am I doing? maybe sandy is right and she is losing respect for me for willing to be second. Maybe if I really want a chance with her, I need to bite the bullet and say goodbye for real for good. Even if there's no chance, I should walk away before I give more than I have. I have dinner plans with her this evening, now I'm thinking about calling it off and telling her again, except this time I know it has to be for real, she will be annoyed by now with my back and forth off and on again drama ride over the last few days. Ugh, damnit. Edited January 25, 2017 by betweenthesheets
spideywoman Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I have dinner plans with her this evening, now I'm thinking about calling it off and telling her again, except this time I know it has to be for real, she will be annoyed by now with my back and forth off and on again drama ride over the last few days. Ugh, damnit. Sheets, another thought. Perhaps it has been addressed here _ been reading this thread piecemeal. You know how her back and forth makes you feel, makes her look like someone who's kinda unhinged, unable to stick to a decision, kinda crazy? That's what you're looking like - and are - right now. You can't say what you said and then go out to dinner like nothing ever happened. You say something, you stick to it. And if you can't stick to it, don't say it. Make sense? This is experience talking. i went through this a few times with xmm where we'd both make these grand announcements to end it, etc. only to fall back into it a few days later. because the truth was, right or wrong, neither one of us was ready to end it at that time, regardless of whether it was the right thing to do. i'm speaking on an emotional level, not a moral one. emotionally, it's next to near impossible to force an ending when there's no end. the last time xmm tried to break up with me i didn't let him. and that's when things improved, until it ended again temporarily and turned into another situation i won't get into here. i am not suggesting you don't end things with this woman because i think you should. not generalizing and saying your affair is just like any other, but i don't see anything good coming out of this whatsoever except for more anguish for you and eventually, her husband. her i don't care about so much at the moment. the point is, work on yourself mentally first to wrap your head around that this is the beginning of the end and then when you feel strong enough to follow through with your words, do it properly. don't do this silly little dance. makes you look kinda dumb and certainly not respectable, if she's capable of it. (i say this with lots of love ) not sure if this was the thread or you were the OP who wasn't interested in IC. if it's not, forgive me. if it is, i urge you to reconsider. i cannot tell you how helpful it is in terms of processing.
FusionCutter Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 9 pages of going around in a circle. A few points that are painfully clear. -You're being manipulated to the highest degree. -She's not a good person. -She will never leave her husband -You're being used/abused -You're only fooling yourself with your moral fiber talk. You want to be moral? Leave the situation for good. 6
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 She's convincing Sandy, I don't know how else to explain it other than I've probed, bluffed, questioned, offered her every opportunity to come clean and she hasn't. She wont, she insists that she loves me and you know, when I see her face, her emotions, it feels real, but when she's gone, logic kicks back in, guilt and morality come back and self worth and I begin hitting the forums hoping someone here will say, hell, maybe she's for real, give her a chance. But like Barrel said, with her suck bet analogy, I'm here because I know I'm a potential sucker and you guys have been through this to guide me. IN an affair setting you both are feeling/reeling of it all. You can't compare that to a long term marriage and life built with someone else. How quickly those 'love' feelings disappear when there's a DDay or forced to choose. Many of times MW/MM do not choose their AP because they know what they share in an affair isn't the same as in a marriage. The glue that holds a marriage is much stronger than the glue that holds together an affair. Yes I'm generalizing a bit but more or less this is why YOUR MW will never leave her husband.
FoundMyStrength Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 IN an affair setting you both are feeling/reeling of it all. You can't compare that to a long term marriage and life built with someone else. How quickly those 'love' feelings disappear when there's a DDay or forced to choose. Many of times MW/MM do not choose their AP because they know what they share in an affair isn't the same as in a marriage. The glue that holds a marriage is much stronger than the glue that holds together an affair. Yes I'm generalizing a bit but more or less this is why YOUR MW will never leave her husband. I don't know if this is 100% true. Statistically, married women are much more likely to leave an unhappy marriage than married men. So if it is true that this woman is unhappy, she may choose to leave. Much more so than a MM. But the OP will need to force her to make that decision. To go NC, let her know that the situation is either/or not both, and to get back in touch if she makes a choice that puts her in a position to be with him. Otherwise, this woman will put OP through hell as she tries to have her cake.
cloche Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) Your story parallels my own in a way that is uncanny. I see much of who I was in your posts, and much of who Lucinda still is in your MW. Sleeping with her will compound your problems far more than you realize. You already know that this ends badly for you. What you do not yet know is just *how* badly, once the bond between the two of you further cements as a result of sleeping together. The two of you will fuse. Because it won't just be the once: with that imaginary line in the sand now crossed, there will be nothing left to stop you from continuing to 'explore the physical connection to the fullest to see where it leads', or whatever other delusion your own personal rationalization hamster sees fit to come up with. Eventually the affair *will* end, at which point, far from looking back fondly at the happy memories the two of you made together, you will instead find yourself wishing you could get her out of your head altogether - her memory haunting any attempt to move forward in a healthy relationship - to which end you will actively seek to block thinking about her in any way at all. And you will not be able to. That, Sheets, means that the years you are about to spend involved with her, will be, at best, forever lost to you, and at worst, an ongoing nightmare. Please, Sheets, I am literally *begging* you: NC, now, and mean it. Edited January 25, 2017 by cloche 3
sandylee1 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 She's convincing Sandy, I don't know how else to explain it other than I've probed, bluffed, questioned, offered her every opportunity to come clean and she hasn't. She wont, she insists that she loves me and you know, when I see her face, her emotions, it feels real, but when she's gone, logic kicks back in, guilt and morality come back and self worth and I begin hitting the forums hoping someone here will say, hell, maybe she's for real, give her a chance. . Let's assume that she loves you like she says. If she doesn't leave her husband and keeps wanting you as the guy on the side, where does it get you? Absolutely nowhere. And I'll tell you another thing... if a woman wants to leave her husband for you, she will. You wouldn't even have to ask her to. She'd do it, because she wants to be in a proper relationship with you. You need to stop asking about leaving her husband and I'll tell you why. In the unlikely chance that she actually did leave him, you'd start feeling a hell of a lot of pressure to keep her happy, because you 'made' her leave. When she does something you don't like or upsets, you'll bite your tongue for fear that she gets angry saying "Is this what I left my husband for?" Whatever goes wrong will be your 'fault' for making her leave. I'm afraid that you won't recognise what you become and when she turns to other men for attention by flirting in front of you (because she's the type), if you call her out on it. She'll accuse you of being jealous and controlling "like her husband" and what was the point of leaving him only for you to be just the same. All designed to shut you up and keep you in your place. You'll end up being scared to open your mouth around her. Your indecision will be what seals the deal for her to know you aren't who she's ever going to be with as more than the guy to service her. Right now, your word means nothing in her eyes, because she can always reel you back in From the first time she hit on you, she saw something that made her know you'd cave. I don't mean to come over as harsh, but it's obvious she has no intention of leaving him and every intention of wearing you down, until you have sex with her and then you won't be able to give it up. Why would you walk into the lion's den to pick up a million dollars, when you know the lion is waiting to pounce on you as soon as you do? 2
HadMeOverABarrel Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 9 pages of going around in a circle. A few points that are painfully clear. -You're being manipulated to the highest degree. -She's not a good person. -She will never leave her husband -You're being used/abused -You're only fooling yourself with your moral fiber talk. You want to be moral? Leave the situation for good. Straight to the point and right on point. All OW/OM (incl myself) should make this into a laminated business card size reminder to carry in wallet. Handy to pull out and look at when WW AP comes calling, esp after NC! 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Your story parallels my own in a way that is uncanny. I see much of who I was in your posts, and much of who Lucinda still is in your MW. Sleeping with her will compound your problems far more than you realize. You already know that this ends badly for you. What you do not yet know is just *how* badly, once the bond between the two of you further cements as a result of sleeping together. The two of you will fuse. Because it won't just be the once: with that imaginary line in the sand now crossed, there will be nothing left to stop you from continuing to 'explore the physical connection to the fullest to see where it leads', or whatever other delusion your own personal rationalization hamster sees fit to come up with. Eventually the affair *will* end, at which point, far from looking back fondly at the happy memories the two of you made together, you will instead find yourself wishing you could get her out of your head altogether - her memory haunting any attempt to move forward in a healthy relationship - to which end you will actively seek to block thinking about her in any way at all. And you will not be able to. That, Sheets, means that the years you are about to spend involved with her, will be, at best, forever lost to you, and at worst, an ongoing nightmare. Please, Sheets, I am literally *begging* you: NC, now, and mean it. Very kind, empathetic, compassionate. ^^^ Sheets, here is another man who has lived the whole thing all the way through. Heads up!
Author betweenthesheets Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Your story parallels my own in a way that is uncanny. I see much of who I was in your posts, and much of who Lucinda still is in your MW. Sleeping with her will compound your problems far more than you realize. You already know that this ends badly for you. What you do not yet know is just *how* badly, once the bond between the two of you further cements as a result of sleeping together. The two of you will fuse. Because it won't just be the once: with that imaginary line in the sand now crossed, there will be nothing left to stop you from continuing to 'explore the physical connection to the fullest to see where it leads', or whatever other delusion your own personal rationalization hamster sees fit to come up with. Eventually the affair *will* end, at which point, far from looking back fondly at the happy memories the two of you made together, you will instead find yourself wishing you could get her out of your head altogether - her memory haunting any attempt to move forward in a healthy relationship - to which end you will actively seek to block thinking about her in any way at all. And you will not be able to. That, Sheets, means that the years you are about to spend involved with her, will be, at best, forever lost to you, and at worst, an ongoing nightmare. Please, Sheets, I am literally *begging* you: NC, now, and mean it. Thanks Cloche, I've reread your posts several times and am taking what you said very seriously.
cloche Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) You are very welcome. There is so much more I could say on the subject, but I don't wish to hijack your thread. Fee free to contact me directly if you wish... And yes, IC with a competent therapist - ideally, one who specializes in infidelity - will repay the effort you put into it many times over. Edited January 25, 2017 by cloche
Chica80 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 OP. I can tell you that I was in a "bad marraige" I left my M. Because I finally saw what I wanted what I needed. She is not going to leave. EVER! And if you have sex with her she will have even more power and control over you. Not the other way around. 1
Poppy47 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 9 pages of going around in a circle. A few points that are painfully clear. -You're being manipulated to the highest degree. -She's not a good person. -She will never leave her husband -You're being used/abused -You're only fooling yourself with your moral fiber talk. You want to be moral? Leave the situation for good. I think Sheets is getting some kind of pleasure from the back and forth... is it a bit like foreplay. It's still a fun game. I predict that he will go ahead and have sex with her. That is what he wants to do. Once she has him in her power physically, she will keep him hooked like a little fishie on a line. Sheets, you are in for the ride of your life. Poppy. 2
Author betweenthesheets Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Alright guys, you voiced your well based opinions and guidance. Yes, over 9 pages long of going around and around. So here it is. After last night, this morning I went back with the intention of resuming things with her as they were before, except knowing the husband isnt going anywhere anytime soon, even though she has tried to take action in leaving him (if I didnt feel this was true this would make the situation a lot easier). As I said earlier today, I even made dinner plans with her this evening at our favorite restaurant. Okay, so reading your comments after that really put me back on the fence. From realizing that she'll probably lose respect for me for settling on second, to if I really want to do the moral thing than to cut it off, and finally Cloche's post really made me think. We were supposed to meet right at 5, at 4:30 I was literally puking at what to do, I feel like I'm going crazy, I have to decide now to meet her for dinner or not, but as Sandy said, I would lose even more respect after my expressions last night and resuming things as normal. After taking a shower, almost about to dress to meet her, I decided its time to get this over with. I ask her to call me when she can that I'm not able to meet her for dinner. MW calls me shortly after, I asked her how she was doing and then she asked me, I said I'm not doing so well, that I'm distraught. She asks why, and I said it's about what we talked about last night.. she sighs. I apologize and say I know this has been a constant topic over the last week (this is now the third time in a week that I've brought up my major issues with her not leaving) but I said this will be the last time. I continued apologizing that I cant do it, that I've thought about it and this morning I thought I could go on with how things were, and thats why I planned dinner with her, I wasnt trying to screw with her, but that I cant settle for second place and that I was sorry. (MW is silent through all of this) I also said that from the other day she mentioned that if I said so, she would delete me out of her phone and block me and would never contact me again, I asked her to go ahead and do do that as I will do the same. Then I said, one more thing, I think you should really consider telling your husband everything, not for the chance of us because we know thats not going to happen, but to tell him the truth, that what we've done to him is unfair and wrong, and that he deserves to know his wife isn't committed to him and should have a chance of finding someone who will be if thats what he wants. So after that I paused, again, she hasnt said anything at all. And I asked if she wanted to say anything or had any questions before I go? She replies, with annoyance/anger "I have nothing to say". So I said, okay, let me know if you ever decide to leave him. And that was it. While writing this post, she texted me on the phone asking if I had deactivated a website that I had setup for her as a Christmas gift? Then while I'm typing my reply, I can a follow up text, "Nevermind, it doesn't matter. Goodbye, (myname)" I replied no, and its currently working. I said find me later this year before December so I can give you ownership of the site (I'm not going to do that right now because I need her personal information). I then said Goodbye (hername), please take those steps to block and delete me. So there you have it, now the true test begins of maintaining NC. Thank you all again for your guidance. 3
Author betweenthesheets Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 I think Sheets is getting some kind of pleasure from the back and forth... is it a bit like foreplay. It's still a fun game. I predict that he will go ahead and have sex with her. That is what he wants to do. Once she has him in her power physically, she will keep him hooked like a little fishie on a line. Sheets, you are in for the ride of your life. Poppy. Heh, believe me, I want to have sex with her. This isn't fun going back and forth Poppy. I would much rather have her with me here now than fighting about her leaving her husband and feeling like crap. This situation has made me do some crazy things, and I really dont like it. That's why I've been pushing and pushing lately for her to leave, because its not pleasurable for me to be with her in the wrong way.
Author betweenthesheets Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 I was trying to modify the other post but I guess I ran out of time. I didn't say this part to her, but I cant give her ownership to the website she asked about unless I have her personal information like her address. Even though she has asked me to come see her a few times at their apartment, I refused because I said it wouldn't be such a great idea considering he has sensed me on her before, I'm sure he would realize someone had been there. I may have been foolish enough to have fallen in love with this woman, but I'm not stupid enough to risk getting caught in their apartment. 1
Author betweenthesheets Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Right now, I feel fine, maybe even good, a weight lifted off of my shoulders. But I know tomorrow and the following days will be tougher when I have to see her at work. Wish me strength. I want to be done with this. 1
cloche Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Some men (most?) can successfully compartmentalize, separating the physical from the emotional; that's just not me, though. Which, come to think of it, may be why I tend to identify more with the many OW here than OM. If I've read you correctly, Sheets, this is a trait we share in common. One that also makes you highly vulnerable to this woman, who - and despite her lovely words - thinks and operates quite differently from you. NC is absolutely your best move. If you stick with it - I'm sorry, but it will be difficult - and follow through, it is absolutely certain that when (not if) you later find yourself in a healthy relationship, you will look back without regret and be glad that you walked away. This was your turning point. If, on the other hand, you cave and pursue the physical connection with her, I believe you will find yourself drawn deeper and deeper into an addiction you cannot control, and when (not if) the affair eventually ends, you will look back with regret at your entire involvement with her. Hang in there, bro - you've totally got this.
Author betweenthesheets Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Thanks Cloche, I did read about your situation. I agree, I think we both give our women our all, heart and soul, I wish i could turn it off like a switch and just get over it like others, but that's not the case, no matter how messed up the situation is and how clear it is that shes not right for me. I saw that you met someone else? How's that going? That's what I'm hoping for, but i'm not much into the dating realm. At this point, I hope that I can survive. My objective right now is, detach, detach, detach.
Poppy47 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Heh, believe me, I want to have sex with her. This isn't fun going back and forth Poppy. I would much rather have her with me here now than fighting about her leaving her husband and feeling like crap. This situation has made me do some crazy things, and I really dont like it. That's why I've been pushing and pushing lately for her to leave, because its not pleasurable for me to be with her in the wrong way. Sheets, Why don't you love yourself a bit and just stop. Tell her you don't want to be in an A and to contact you when she is a free agent. You will soon find out how serious she is. I did that to xMM and I have only had one very lame email from him in 10 months. He said " All I ever wanted was your love and now you are ending us." Tried to turn it back on me and blame me. JUST STOP. Can you imagine being the next man that she screws over. If she leaves her husband, do you think she will be Mrs Faithful to you????? Warm Wishes, Poppy. 1
Author betweenthesheets Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 I did tell her that Poppy. Check my post above about the phone call.
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