travelbug1996 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Recently, however, I started to see this guy I have known forever and really like. We used to have a fling when we were teenagers, but I left him after only a few weeks, being scared of too much commitment. This part. What is a fling? Where I'm from a fling includes sex. Is this guy actually asking and planning actual dates? If not, he is not in pursuit of you in a serious way. I think he just likes having fun.
fireflywy Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 (edited) Did you mention is age? You say your paths have grown closer, but it actually sounds like he is now pulling that apart. That is not what a man does when he really wants to be with a woman. He might to at least get a notch on his belt when the woman has comes across as having an inflated view of herself (model, uncatchable) and the guy is bragadocious (100s of women) and wants to play cat and mouse. Either way, sounds like a dating cold war. Edited January 24, 2017 by fireflywy 1
Author Jolientje Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 Here a bit more information which did not seem particularly relevant at first, but does put the story into perspective and brings a better understanding now. Just note we have never lived in the same country and are not really fond of phones or emails; when we meet, it is always very brief and intense. Sorry for my poor use of English; fling was probably not the right word - we did not have sex back then. I was still very young and a virgin and although there was a lot of sexual tension between us, he only made a few small attempts, step by step. It was a long distance relationship and I broke up before we brought it to another level. I was scared and naive and just wanted to have fun. We did keep contact though and after 3 years, he asked whether I wanted to get back with him. I had just ended up a relationship, and told him I was not ready for it because I was confused and would not be able to give it a 100%. A few months later, he started to date a girl with whom he stayed for at least 3 years (he now pretends all this was just sexual, but I sort of doubt it...) I was heartbroken; it was obvious to me that I had been stupid enough to lose the best thing that had ever happened to me. A few days after I heard he had a girlfriend, I drove all the way to him (1000km) and begged him to see me; I told him I regretted all my actions, I would always be there for him and I had always only liked him. He responded he was now in a relationship and our story was history. I guess that is when I unconsciously started living as this "uncatchable" single girl; I just never have been able to get over him. On our first date a few weeks ago, he said something like "I won't make any attempt on you as I have faced too many rebuttals in the past". I answered; "I also received my dose of rebuttals. I guess we are quits". In that specific moment, I egoistically thought I could have been more heartbroken because of our story than he had ever been. Totally stupid and selfish of me. From that point on, I figured I would have to reassure him and make all the first steps myself. In the end, he did do most of the work and kissed me first, but I definitely showed very docile and willing to all his attempts. I accepted all his invitations, kept contact and decided to spend two weeks in his city, right after our first kiss. From the day we started dating, I felt some discomfort on his side. Thinking that it was linked to his fear of rejection, I showed very clingy. When I refused to have sex with him, I did not reject him brutally but quietly explained I did not feel ready yet, saying "good things take time". The rest is history; the guy suddenly realized he was getting into something really serious, thanking me for putting barriers, as he had never had sex with a girl he respects and was not to get into something serious now. Though he carried on wanting to meet me, he said we should stop giving each other signs of affection but simply could not help carrying on with it. We both are extremely independent people and we both cherish our freedom. As I said, he has got much pressure to marry the right person and I guess it freaks him out to even having to make a choice when dating. Truth is, I hate myself for having been so clingy because it probably put even more pressure on him. He probably saw me as a needy person who will rob all his freedom and would threaten his self-centered life. All I want is for him to understand I am nothing of all that; I won't invade his life, nor want to change it. Having sex with me does not mean he will be committed for life. His respect for my feelings does not mean he needs to see sex in a different way. Of course, I do hope this story could have a positive end but is fear really a reason to build a wall before even starting?
Author Jolientje Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Sounds like a romantic drama of the Renaissance.
phineas Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 OP, I think you can't accept reality here. You told him he had to wait for sex. For him that means = relationship. He has told you he does want a relationship, and thus as a respectable guy, has stopped any further with you. If you push him to get close to you, he will not stick around. He has already told you what he is looking for = casual and no strings. Listen to him when he tells you. pretty much this. Or and i could be wrong because op said there is a language difference but it sounds like she uses sex as a weapon. if that's the case and the guy can get sex anywhere he was probably turned off. women who use sex as a bargaining chip never stop doing it from my experience so now i just walk away from them.
Author Jolientje Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Thanks for your comments. I definitely do not think I use sex as a weapon; before bringing it to the next step, I just wanted to understand his feelings. You are right; I find it hard to accept reality. The fact that he keeps pushing for us to meet and keep in contact is not really helpful though. I guess that is what you call being friendzoned...But what when there is mutual attraction in the friendzone? Looking back at all this, I truly think he has a problem making space for feelings; it is as if he would systematically reject anything that could involve any sort of emotions and make him lose control and rationality. I am wondering how he would react if I started dating someone else...It's suddenly different when the person who said "I will always be there for you" (aka. take your time and just play...) does not keep her promises!
VeveCakes Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Thanks for your comments. I definitely do not think I use sex as a weapon; before bringing it to the next step, I just wanted to understand his feelings. You are right; I find it hard to accept reality. The fact that he keeps pushing for us to meet and keep in contact is not really helpful though. I guess that is what you call being friendzoned...But what when there is mutual attraction in the friendzone? Looking back at all this, I truly think he has a problem making space for feelings; it is as if he would systematically reject anything that could involve any sort of emotions and make him lose control and rationality. I am wondering how he would react if I started dating someone else...It's suddenly different when the person who said "I will always be there for you" (aka. take your time and just play...) does not keep her promises! He keeps contacting you because you keep engaging. He told you he doesn't want a relationship and you still engage with him, so he thinks if he keeps it up he will eventually get sex. I don't know how you can analyze him simply because he does not want to date you does not mean he is emotionally unavailable. It means he doesn't want to date you. You can play all the games dating other men you want, it is not going to make him want to date you.
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