how do men feel about women who don't raise their kids?

January 19, 2017

What is it that makes her attractive ? A Barbie body? Big boobs ? That's it. Right? A sensible man , looking for relationship,needs more than that.

There are unwanted pregnancies every second, all over the world. They are for many reasons. And this woman fills the unfit woman for whom the child was a mistake.

The child will find her own answers as she grows. Heartbreaking to say the least. There are many deadbeat mothers and fathers who live separately but across the street and don't care. Nothing unique though.

An average looking woman becomes hot and sexy if she is a good mother. It comes down to beauty lies in the eyes of ....

Yes, she's very physically attractive.. but to be fair to her, she's also intelligent, fun, and "deep" on many levels and has charity causes that she's active in.. so she's not like Paris Hilton ditzy type woman. Obviously she missed the mark on mothering, but she's an otherwise decent human being. So I do think men are attracted to not only her looks.. she's very appealing on many levels. But I do think ultimately it's the motherhood thing that ultimately haunts her.

January 19, 2017

I realize I'm a woman, not a man. But, if your friend recognized she wasn't mother material or that the father could give the child a better home, then good for her.

What a double standard. A friend figured it out that her ex husband spent 71 days a year with his kids. He thought he was a great dad because of that.

Why is it all right for men to essentially abandon their kids and not women?

Because women *should* be more nurturing since they carry the baby? Well, geez, then men *should* step up and marry the mother and be better providers....because that is what they are supposed to do and how they are supposed to think.

Another telling point with your friend is that she gets plenty of attention from men and probably plenty of sex. Yet, she hasn't had another child. She is showing some responsibility. From what I have seen in my life, there are too many mothers who have no business having kids....and then having more kids.

I'm guessing your friend made the best choice she could at the time.

But, it is a touch alarming she isn't more involved now.

I'm also single with no kids and around 50. I am a bit self absorbed. I am a bit immature and I know it is because I never had to make those kinds of sacrifices. That doesn't mean I'm not a kind person, it just means

Since I've known her she's had only two long term relationships and is currently in a third relationship that's starting to bloom. The first one, the guy had a daughter too and was also absent from her life.. so I think they connected on that level. Her last boyfriend was several years younger than her so he wasn't any where near ready to settle down so the abandoning-her-kid thing probably didn't bother him. Both relationships lasted over 4 years.. so yes, she's responsible.. but she's not promiscuous or slutty or super casual about sex. She in a new relationship and he's recently divorced with kids..

I agree she made the best choice at the time.. but it's been over ten years now so my eyes are kind of opening to correlation between her never going back to her daughter and men not sticking it out for the long run.

January 19, 2017

I raised my 3 alone for the most part...

Sorry to say that if I was with a girl and found out about this I think I would end it.

I agree with lady that if she knew she would not be a good mother and left her to the father to raise, I might understand. A lot of men abandon their children she we can't say the it is worse for a female than a male. I could just never do it.

For me, I took care of my STBXwife and my kids and doing that was a huge part of my life and took a huge sacrifice.

I never thought about it much because it was just something that I did.

It's true that there's a double standard with men leaving kids vs women. But I think the reason men are more put off by women who abandon their kids is more instinctual/biological. I do think women are put off by dead beat dads too, but since we still live in a culture that's largely dominated by men, women are probably less likely to dump a guy for being an absentee dad... maybe due to some social stigmas about having a man around to protect and provide. Plus, since men aren't around as much anyway (not ALL men, I'm speaking in general terms here) from pregnancy through childhood, it gives the illusion that it's worse when women abandon children... because mothers are in a sense more needed (breastfeed, nurturing, etc). And again, I'm speaking in general terms that refer to us as biological creatures.. not necessarily talking modern societal needs.

January 19, 2017

She could be all that BUT she lacks core human qualities that men usually find attractive. Physical attractiveness, charity work etc can take you only so far. Relationship skills, empathy, kindness ( some people Can do charity work without being kind !Ive seen bitter people doing charity !) , truthfulness etc etc. is what keeps a man ( or woman).

Usually men chase physically attractive women. Throw in some certificates on wall and overall appeal BUT a love relationship is much more than that. And so is being a parent. She loves having fun? Doesn't her child like having fun ?

Whatever , as a guy in 50s, I can attest that men would have fun with some women but ultimately settle down with someone who is usually nothing like their fun women. I've seen my friends when younger , had fun with model like women but took home someone completely different.

As she gets older, she will become desperate as her physical attractiveness will begin to sag and her child will be a young woman! Karma.

A single good mother also likes to have fun but chooses her child. THAT is more attractive than shallow stuff. This woman is shallow. Men can sniff it from afar but still use her till they find someone they are looking for.

She may or may not find her match but she has lost her child in either case!

January 19, 2017

I realize I'm a woman, not a man. But, if your friend recognized she wasn't mother material or that the father could give the child a better home, then good for her.

What a double standard. A friend figured it out that her ex husband spent 71 days a year with his kids. He thought he was a great dad because of that.

Why is it all right for men to essentially abandon their kids and not women?

Because women *should* be more nurturing since they carry the baby? Well, geez, then men *should* step up and marry the mother and be better providers....because that is what they are supposed to do and how they are supposed to think.

Another telling point with your friend is that she gets plenty of attention from men and probably plenty of sex. Yet, she hasn't had another child. She is showing some responsibility. From what I have seen in my life, there are too many mothers who have no business having kids....and then having more kids.

I'm guessing your friend made the best choice she could at the time.

But, it is a touch alarming she isn't more involved now.

I'm also single with no kids and around 50. I am a bit self absorbed. I am a bit immature and I know it is because I never had to make those kinds of sacrifices. That doesn't mean I'm not a kind person, it just means

Many women complain about men "not being around", when the reality is that the guy had to work two jobs because she couldn't earn enough to make anything meet....So, its not all about a double standard all the time...

And no, I can't see any double standard in this case..its never acceptable for men to walk away from their kids, and in this state, if they do and they aren't paying they'll get thrown in jail..

And let's stop already with the shock that a guy will go after a woman, just because she abandoned her kids....While I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole, no matter what she looked like, a lot of other guys would be happy to entertain the idea, even if she was a psychopath, and her desirability is on a sliding scale depending on her looks/body..

TFY

January 19, 2017

I have a (girl) friend like this, most men don't respect her. She actually moved her kids a couple of states away but the kids father took her to court and they considered it "kidnapping", her kids were sent to live with their dad, me myself I would have marched my damn self back where I came from to be near my kids, now she sees them every few months. She is drop dead gorgeous like a twin of Denise Richards but once men get close and find out her situation, instant disrespect. She has a boyfriend now and it's clear he is ashamed of her but she makes like easy for him (providing him a place to stay) while he does what he wants, so he is completely using her. It all starts with LOVING OUR FAMILIES FIRST. She doesn't get it. Ugh. I DON'T GET IT.

January 19, 2017

" just because " she abandoned her kids ? Really ? Well , then she deserves a life that she gets to live and a guy who is exactly like her.

The guy who was the father of this child must have gotten trapped by the hope that if the cover was hot, personality was also as hot ! Maybe he was shallow too and took the child out of obligation, who knows ? But he did anyway.

An emotionally stable healthy man will always choose personality that stands the test of time. Of course physical attraction has to be there !

Deadbeat parents always have an excuse and blame game. They are always the one who were wronged !

January 19, 2017

Not a man but without more detail about the specific circumstances surrounding her leaving her child to be raised by he father or the father's input in that decision, or what impact it has actually had on the child, it's a bit difficult to make an informed opinion really, so people are left speculating and making quick judgement calls based on not much more than confirmation bias and knee-jerking.

In all honesty, I'm finding the fact that you are inviting strangers online to judge someone you call your friend on her personal circumstances that little bit more unsettling.

January 19, 2017

Thanks for your honesty...

The reason I separate her self-absorption from the issue surrounding her daughter is because even though I realize her self-absorption is correlated to her abandoning her daughter, there are a lot of self-absorbed people out.. some more self-absorbed than others.. but not all of those people leave their kids. So yeah, truth is she is self-absorbed.. but self-absorbed people can work through those issues if it's something they want to change about themselves. This is why I separate the two. Her issue is that she left her kid behind and she can't take that back. But run of the mill self-absorbed people can become more selfless if they work toward personal change/growth. In my friend's case, she can't make up for lost time.. but I guess she *could* do a 180 and move back to her hometown and try to make up for lost time in some attempt to redeem herself... if she wanted to. So it goes back to my original question being: is the main reason she can't find Mr. Right because she left her kid?

My husband and I don't want kids for a number of reasons. We're both very happy in our childless marriage. Kids just aren't for everyone and people should respect that. So I don't think it's as much about lacking a desire to have and care for children as much as how sick the thought is of ABANDONING you own child. Big difference between the two.

Anyway, I've always kind of wondered about this with her knowing how much attention she gets from men... but never took the time to put the question out to men until now.

I don't see any issue with people not wanting kids, that is very different than abandoning a child. I also don't see it the same as someone without the means to raise a child giving up a child. This is a woman who by the sounds of it, just didn't feel like taking on any responsibility.

As for is it the reason, again I can't speak for other men. Sure there may be some men who are still commitment focused who wouldn't care as much, but I still can't believe her self absorption doesn't rub off into other aspects of the relationships..

January 19, 2017

on the other hand though...

I have 3 kids. That is a turn off to a lot of men. Trying to find time to fit them in my schedule. And, as it should be, my kids always come first. I think that makes some men feel like they fight for my attention.

I think maybe abandoning her child does have a factor on getting close to someone. It shows men that shes self absorbed and can walk away from commitment easily. Not really a good sign.

January 19, 2017

What a double standard. A friend figured it out that her ex husband spent 71 days a year with his kids. He thought he was a great dad because of that.

Why is it all right for men to essentially abandon their kids and not women?

Is it really "all right'? Aren't most women turned off by a man who behaves that way?

There may well be a greater expectation for women to be nurturing, but I'm not convinced that a double standard exists with respect to men or women who abandon their children.

January 19, 2017

She could be all that BUT she lacks core human qualities that men usually find attractive. Physical attractiveness, charity work etc can take you only so far. Relationship skills, empathy, kindness ( some people Can do charity work without being kind !Ive seen bitter people doing charity !) , truthfulness etc etc. is what keeps a man ( or woman).

Usually men chase physically attractive women. Throw in some certificates on wall and overall appeal BUT a love relationship is much more than that. And so is being a parent. She loves having fun? Doesn't her child like having fun ?

Whatever , as a guy in 50s, I can attest that men would have fun with some women but ultimately settle down with someone who is usually nothing like their fun women. I've seen my friends when younger , had fun with model like women but took home someone completely different.

As she gets older, she will become desperate as her physical attractiveness will begin to sag and her child will be a young woman! Karma.

A single good mother also likes to have fun but chooses her child. THAT is more attractive than shallow stuff. This woman is shallow. Men can sniff it from afar but still use her till they find someone they are looking for.

She may or may not find her match but she has lost her child in either case!

I hear you.. I really do. And you pretty much hit the nail on the head regarding my assumptions and thoughts about her situation -- that men will chase after her and probably fall in love with her, but then come to a realization that she's not all that down to the core. The only reason I brought up her other attributes is because your initial response seemed like you were assuming she was a fake, annoying barbie doll type..she is nothing like that. So I wanted the opportunity to better describe her and list some of her good qualities.

January 19, 2017

" just because " she abandoned her kids ? Really ? Well , then she deserves a life that she gets to live and a guy who is exactly like her.

The guy who was the father of this child must have gotten trapped by the hope that if the cover was hot, personality was also as hot ! Maybe he was shallow too and took the child out of obligation, who knows ? But he did anyway.

An emotionally stable healthy man will always choose personality that stands the test of time. Of course physical attraction has to be there !

Deadbeat parents always have an excuse and blame game. They are always the one who were wronged !

I can't really speak about the dad. I met her after they split up, but I do know it was one of those situations where they were both about 20/21 years old, got pregnant and decided the best thing to do was... get married! That didn't last long :/ Maybe the dad stuck around out of obligation? I don't really know.. but bottom line is that he stuck around and she split.

January 19, 2017

Not a man but without more detail about the specific circumstances surrounding her leaving her child to be raised by he father or the father's input in that decision, or what impact it has actually had on the child, it's a bit difficult to make an informed opinion really, so people are left speculating and making quick judgement calls based on not much more than confirmation bias and knee-jerking.

In all honesty, I'm finding the fact that you are inviting strangers online to judge someone you call your friend on her personal circumstances that little bit more unsettling.

Hey, fair enough.. but by your comment, you're immediately judging ME for doing so.. so don't be so quick put on a hollier than thou attitude. I don't know if you've read through all the comments, but I put the question out there to try to understand her situation with men as I had a hunch it might have something to do with leaving her kid.. but I honestly don't have the heart to tell her that because I don't want to hurt her feelings or offend her. I didn't pose the question so that she'd be judged by a bunch of random people.. but as humans, we're very judgmental so I guess I should have known better that she'd be crucified here. And that's not what I was looking for. I was really hoping for an honest outlook on how men would feel about someone like her. And I tried my best to list her good qualities throughout. She has a lot of good attributes. We all have our struggles, flaws and downsides. But from what I'm hearing from the guys, leaving your kid is not so easily redeemable. And it's basically what I suspected is her underlying problem. I don't think I'm judging her or throwing her under the bus.. I'm honestly just trying to better understand her situation.

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

January 19, 2017

There are the occasion where 'mom' is struck with a medical condition or an unfortunate accident where she might not be able to raise her child or children ect. it's out of their control.

For those mothers that choose to pawn their children off on parents or relatives so they can go do their own thing I have zero respect.

I mean how can you respect any person that chooses to neglect their parental responsibility so they can go "do their own thing." My ex was guilty of this. When she did have weekends with the kids she would leave town and party instead.

How many grandparents are raising their grand kids...To many

.

January 19, 2017

I hear you.. I really do. And you pretty much hit the nail on the head regarding my assumptions and thoughts about her situation -- that men will chase after her and probably fall in love with her, but then come to a realization that she's not all that down to the core. The only reason I brought up her other attributes is because your initial response seemed like you were assuming she was a fake, annoying barbie doll type..she is nothing like that. So I wanted the opportunity to better describe her and list some of her good qualities.

I would say yes, she is a fake. Reason being : whatever the ' qualities ' the guys 'think ' she has , in actual she doesn't. It's hard to explain but I personally would say she is a fake. Everything gets tainted when her real life choice comes known. It wasn't out of some unavoidable reasons. It's was out of narcissism.

The moment you lose respect for someone, whatever they do or say, becomes meaningless and the most beautiful face or hottest body of earth, becomes ugly.

January 19, 2017

If you don't have kids, it's probably more difficult to assess the underlying cold-hearted nature of this woman. However, I'm confident that this trait of hers reveals itself in many ways.

So, to answer your question, she might be fun to bang and go out with for a while, but most guys will clue in to the idea that she's got an edge that most women don't, and for that reason, they'll pass. I think subconsciously, you'd get the idea that if she could do that to her kid, she could easily do it to you too.

January 19, 2017

So, there is a 13 year old girl who has a mother who hardly bother with her and has recently lost her father, yes she has grandparents who are bringing her up, but, the poor girl must be in turmoil. I simply couldn't be a friend to someone who had abandoned their child, male or female. It smacks of selfishness, she should be with her daughter right now helping her to grieve. Sorry, but this isn't an attractive person, not at all.

January 19, 2017

Look, there's someone for everyone. Some guys and gals - regardless of them wanting to play or something serious have no problem with dating someone who has kids already - regardless if they're involved with their kids or not.

I heard one woman speak with venom about her husband's kids...in other words, she pretty much wishes they never existed cuz she wants "him".

I also see women with kids get more penis than I do and somehow get some guy silly enough to take on caring for "her" kids.

So, while the OP's friend isn't involved with her kids, there's worse out there. I love the ones who remarry and/or have more kids - instead of putting time, money, and love into kids they left behind

January 19, 2017

This is a question for men... guys, how do you feel about women who aren't parents to their children?

In general, their family is their business. However, looking at the totality of your description, and being relationship-focused, I'd likely pass. Guys who are more short-term and in the moment, I could see traction for it being a non-issue, since they would not be interacting at any level of depth for any length of time.

Her physical attractiveness and skills give her options. Men are easily replaced. Transitory. That works for her. I've run into a few like her in life, though not many. In retrospect I felt like a bus stop. They sit on the bench for a bit till the bus comes along and off they go. The bench is a convenience. What it is isn't really important. It serves a function.

Big world, lots of people in it. Your friend has plenty of company and I've seen plenty of the other side, men who are the same way. People do what they do.

January 19, 2017

Women who are generally against kids/reproduction, and progressive, gender neutral type women will groan at this, but the reality is most men, from the weakest betas to the strongest and most independent minded Alphas, generally look more favorably at women who mothered children and showed that nurturing side to her...I think that's a part of a man that I really don't see going away, but I dunno...

I think that's why you hear more men object to this and less women who do...Many of these women so badly want men to comply and do whatever they feel makes them feel better about themselves, regardless of their life decisions......even though it's not in the nature of most men to do so...

TFY

January 19, 2017

So, there is a 13 year old girl who has a mother who hardly bother with her and has recently lost her father, yes she has grandparents who are bringing her up, but, the poor girl must be in turmoil. I simply couldn't be a friend to someone who had abandoned their child, male or female. It smacks of selfishness, she should be with her daughter right now helping her to grieve. Sorry, but this isn't an attractive person, not at all.

Yes.. I really feel for her daughter, especially now since she lost her dad. I always wondered why my friend doesn't make more of an effort to be a part of her kid's life. But at the same time I kept a "it's really none of my business" attitude. But then when the kid's dad died a few months ago and now I see my friend going on short out of town trips with other friends and posting pics about it on Facebook, I can't really help but see her in a different light now. She really *should* be with her daughter during this time.. but then again, if she only sees her daughter several times a year I'm not sure she's the best person to nurture her daughter during her grief. And she probably knows that.

January 19, 2017

Women who are generally against kids/reproduction, and progressive, gender neutral type women will groan at this, but the reality is most men, from the weakest betas to the strongest and most independent minded Alphas, generally look more favorably at women who mothered children and showed that nurturing side to her...I think that's a part of a man that I really don't see going away, but I dunno...

I think that's why you hear more men object to this and less women who do...Many of these women so badly want men to comply and do whatever they feel makes them feel better about themselves, regardless of their life decisions......even though it's not in the nature of most men to do so...

TFY

Those men would be narrow minded idiots.

I've never had biological kids. Foster kids, yes.

But I've now done the whole aging parent thing and aging relative thing where I've had to be caring and nurturing. In the case of one relative, there was no financial reward and we were never that close when I was growing up. It just happened to be a relative who never married and never had children and I was the closest proximity niece/nephew.

January 19, 2017

Women who are generally against kids/reproduction, and progressive, gender neutral type women will groan at this, but the reality is most men, from the weakest betas to the strongest and most independent minded Alphas, generally look more favorably at women who mothered children and showed that nurturing side to her...I think that's a part of a man that I really don't see going away, but I dunno...

I think that's why you hear more men object to this and less women who do...Many of these women so badly want men to comply and do whatever they feel makes them feel better about themselves, regardless of their life decisions......even though it's not in the nature of most men to do so...

TFY

I agree with you. That's why I posed the question in the first place. I think ultimately men are attracted to the feminine/nurturing aspects of women on different levels - biological, spiritual, etc. to balance their masculine energy. They can't help it. That's a key reason why men are much less accepting and forgiving of a woman who abandoned her child, compared to women being more lax about it. Not to say women aren't disgusted by deadbeat dads, we are. But the fact that mothers provide a specific feminine nurturing makes their role a little more.. dare I say.. "important." And on some level, men and women realize this.

And btw, I'm a strong independent woman who's a big fan of equal rights. But there's a side to me that's feminine/nurturing and I enjoy/crave a man's energy to balance me out. So the fact that I agree with you isn't because I'm a weakling who can't function without a man by my side, it's more due to science -- the biological differences between men and women.

Edited January 19, 2017 by fire575

January 19, 2017

Look, there's someone for everyone. Some guys and gals - regardless of them wanting to play or something serious have no problem with dating someone who has kids already - regardless if they're involved with their kids or not.

I heard one woman speak with venom about her husband's kids...in other words, she pretty much wishes they never existed cuz she wants "him".

I also see women with kids get more penis than I do and somehow get some guy silly enough to take on caring for "her" kids.

So, while the OP's friend isn't involved with her kids, there's worse out there. I love the ones who remarry and/or have more kids - instead of putting time, money, and love into kids they left behind

well said

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