GF on tinder??

[frigginlost]

Although it could certainly be a red flag, at the same time, she might just have resented the fact that you were TELLING her what she could or could not have on her phone...from the first sentence you said about it (if what you typed here is exact to what you said) you were confrontational and demanding and cock-of-the-walk...IMO.

 

I'd have balked too. And pushed back. Just because um, I'm not dating my Daddy, or God. I can tell MYSELF what to do with my own damned phone.

 

Now if the guy had mentioned it in a nicer, less freaked-out way, perhaps then I'd have smiled and said "Geez, okay, I'll just get rid of it now" and done so. But this means the guy would have been respectful of it being my choice and indeed, of me, as one person in the two-person relationship, having choices in the first place. So yeah, I'd have been more predisposed to being understanding in that case.

 

I'm just going to chalk the above up to my belief that you're rather young, because honestly, that is total and complete horse crap.

 

If she resented the fact that he was so much in to her and the relationship that it bothered him that she still had a dating app and asked her to remove it as an indication of where she stood, than in my opinion she can take her immature and spoiled little arse out the front door. Hell, I'd even hold it open for her...

[CaliforniaGirl]

I'm just going to chalk the above up to my belief that you're rather young, because honestly, that is total and complete horse crap.

 

If she resented the fact that he was so much in to her and the relationship that it bothered him that she still had a dating app and asked her to remove it as an indication of where she stood, than in my opinion she can take her immature and spoiled little arse out the front door. Hell, I'd even hold it open for her...

 

If it were me, I'd be holding my own door, as I walked out.

 

She said she would get rid of the app in the morning, NO argument. HE then burst into his demanding little tantrum.

 

I'm 49, by the way. And anyone who trusted me THAT little could just kiss my ass. All this advice to stalk and catch this woman and so on rather than simply growing a set and leaving if the dude is this distrustful, but I'M the immature one? Sorry, I'm not into games, sneaking and capturing. And I am definitely not into a grown man throwing tantrums because I didn't JUMP to obey AT AN INSTANTANEOUS snap of his fingers. I wouldn't wait to "get caught" (at probably nothing), I'd give this guy the release he wanted to go on and distrust and make demands of the next girl instead.

 

There you have it, problem (and drama) solved.

[CaliforniaGirl]

"Shouldn't you delete dating apps from your phone?"

"Don't tell me what to do, you are not my Dad!"

 

 

I am not dating my Daddy. Is that the new term for controlling or insecure. You know the things 'loose boundaries' women use? They come up with new terms every day. Innovative I have to admit.

 

No, controlling and insecure are the words for controlling and insecure. HTH.

 

"Loose boundariies" have nothing to do with...well, anything, really.

 

She gave him the password to her phone, for God's sake, just how terrified of being found out or what-have-you could she have possibly been?

 

My God, the hysteria.

 

Once again: save all this energy and pearls clutching, break upmwith the girl if she doesn't do it first...et voila. Drama all done and gone.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Are we all missing the fact that *she gave him the password to her phone*?

 

What cheating person - cheating, specifically, using (um, yup, exactly) a *phone* app - would not only not watch her own phone, bit would shrug and say "this is my PW, go ahead and grab my phone whenever you want," basically?

 

Can we all just calm down enough for that to register?

[frigginlost]

Are we all missing the fact that *she gave him the password to her phone*?

 

What cheating person - cheating, specifically, using (um, yup, exactly) a *phone* app - would not only not watch her own phone, bit would shrug and say "this is my PW, go ahead and grab my phone whenever you want," basically?

 

Can we all just calm down enough for that to register?

 

Yeah, you're right. What cheating person would give the password to her boyfriend? My ex. I had her passwords to everything. Your point means nothing. Zero.

 

Have you even read the OP's previous threads? I'm guessing you have not. You might want to catch up...

[frigginlost]

If it were me, I'd be holding my own door, as I walked out.

 

She said she would get rid of the app in the morning, NO argument. HE then burst into his demanding little tantrum.

 

I'm 49, by the way. And anyone who trusted me THAT little could just kiss my ass. All this advice to stalk and catch this woman and so on rather than simply growing a set and leaving if the dude is this distrustful, but I'M the immature one? Sorry, I'm not into games, sneaking and capturing. And I am definitely not into a grown man throwing tantrums because I didn't JUMP to obey AT AN INSTANTANEOUS snap of his fingers. I wouldn't wait to "get caught" (at probably nothing), I'd give this guy the release he wanted to go on and distrust and make demands of the next girl instead.

 

There you have it, problem (and drama) solved.

 

???

 

The release *he* wanted??

 

What?

[Gaeta]

Are we all missing the fact that *she gave him the password to her phone*?

 

What cheating person - cheating, specifically, using (um, yup, exactly) a *phone* app - would not only not watch her own phone, bit would shrug and say "this is my PW, go ahead and grab my phone whenever you want," basically?

 

Can we all just calm down enough for that to register?

 

My position was exactly yours when I first read OP and I defended that position for several pages till I checked his history and was reminded of his other issues with her.

 

During their short 4 month relationship she initiated contact with men, constantly text and snapchat them, had lunch with them, and to add to that she lost sexual interest in OP 2 months into dating and told him if he wants sex to just ask for it otherwise she's not interested. Now he has this Tinder incident.

[CaliforniaGirl]

???

 

The release *he* wanted??

 

What?

 

Release from the relationship.

 

It's obvious he is not at all comfortable in this relationship, if past threads are to be taken into account.

 

Deep down he knows what he needs to do...it's time to go.

 

Period. The end. No more accusations. No more Tarzan-esque demands. No more spying or planning to spy. Why all the stomping around and agony and games and sneaking the phone (as if he needs to; he has it, and tje password) and why all the threads? Is the OP a babysitter to constantly watch and to think somehow that his demands will change anything, or is he a boyfriend? Go, OP. Find a mature relationship and do your part in that too.

 

Anything else will just be more desperation without any results, lather, rinse, repeat.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Yeah, you're right. What cheating person would give the password to her boyfriend? My ex. I had her passwords to everything. Your point means nothing. Zero.

 

Have you even read the OP's previous threads? I'm guessing you have not. You might want to catch up...

 

If this is actually how things went down for you, it is all but guaranteed that deep down she wanted you to figure things out. She wanted you to take the responsibility for ending things, but deep down, any external protestations withstanding, she wanted out.

 

Just a hunch.

[CaliforniaGirl]

My position was exactly yours when I first read OP and I defended that position for several pages till I checked his history and was reminded of his other issues with her.

 

During their short 4 month relationship she initiated contact with men, constantly text and snapchat them, had lunch with them, and to add to that she lost sexual interest in OP 2 months into dating and told him if he wants sex to just ask for it otherwise she's not interested. Now he has this Tinder incident.

 

So then...she already flat-out TOLD him "if" they stay connected at all it's just sex and it's no secret that he's not her Number One or anything, per her own statements. Flat-out, no-BS statements. (Based on this intel...) Is that right?

 

Well then...where does the deception and "ah-ha"-ing come in? LOL. I mean...I'm not literally laughing. Obviously the OP is hurt. BUT if all this ^ is the case then...what is he "catching" her at anyway? She's the bad guy here? He's the one who apparently accepts her terms since he's still hanging around...yet she's the bad person? I'm not fully understanding the indignation factor in this thread, I guess, given all that. That makes no sense. He already knows just how things are. She ISN'T being deceptive. IF he stays it's because he's just an occasional poink, per her literally having told him so. She knew he'd freak out and run around in tight little circles about the Tinder thing so she hemmed-hawed about how she "forgot" about the app just so he'd shut up and she could get some shut-eye although *they both really know* *exactly* how things are between them yet he's all indignant and he "caught" her or something...I'm out, I don't think there's any satisfaction for the OP here. He sees to want us all to say she's a bad guy and did something bad but even in that case, duh, then he *should leave*...there's really just nothing else to say.

 

Good luck, I guess, OP. But I don't know how anybody can really help you with what you obviously want, which also very obviously contradicts what this woman wants...period.

[Conviction]

Hi guys, sorry for the delayed response. I've read all the replies and appreciate everybody for weighing in.

 

 

I appreciate everybody who took the time to read through my old threads, that means alot. I will say, regarding the thread about her talking to this "guy friend" of hers, that was halted and she ceased communication with him. I'm not sure how that came to be, I don't care, I'm just glad to see she listened to my concern and didn't turn a blind eye. I've gotten a glance at her inbox, and his name was last contacted about the time I made that thread, and the snapchat usage has toned down from what I can tell.

 

Her and I had a long talk last night about the tinder incident. It was calm and good communication was happening. I told her exactly why I was upset. It wasn't the mere fact that she still had tinder on her phone, I can understand her just not getting around to deleting it but it was her push back of deleting it that got me the most. She understood why I was upset, apologized, and assured me that she wasn't active on tinder and that she was ready to go to sleep and didn't want to mess with it at the time. I can tell everybody here with 99% certainty that she isn't hanging out with anybody she shouldn't be. We get off work about the same time, and if we're not at work, we're together.

 

Now for what I've decided to do. I don't have any proof that she is up to no good. All I have are red flags. I'm not saying these are going to be ignored, but I don't feel like that's enough to go on to pronounce someone guilty. By nature, I'm a "trust but verify" kind of guy. So with that said, I'm not going to ignore these red flags and I am going to be very very privy to her actions for awhile. If tinder comes up again, it's done and I told her this so I think she understands the severity. I might be a little stupid for doing this, but again I just don't feel like I have enough to justify a full on breakup. If she is up to no good, and continues with tinder, or any other shady behavior, it'll come to light. Again, I may be a fool, but I'm hopeful that giving her the benefit of the doubt doesn't get taken advantage of.

[frigginlost]

If this is actually how things went down for you, it is all but guaranteed that deep down she wanted you to figure things out. She wanted you to take the responsibility for ending things, but deep down, any external protestations withstanding, she wanted out.

 

Just a hunch.

 

You would be completely wrong. The cheating was not found out until months after the relationship ended. Nice try though. ;-)

[frigginlost]

Release from the relationship.

 

It's obvious he is not at all comfortable in this relationship, if past threads are to be taken into account.

 

Deep down he knows what he needs to do...it's time to go.

 

Period. The end. No more accusations. No more Tarzan-esque demands. No more spying or planning to spy. Why all the stomping around and agony and games and sneaking the phone (as if he needs to; he has it, and tje password) and why all the threads? Is the OP a babysitter to constantly watch and to think somehow that his demands will change anything, or is he a boyfriend? Go, OP. Find a mature relationship and do your part in that too.

 

Anything else will just be more desperation without any results, lather, rinse, repeat.

 

It is readily apparent that you have absolutely no clue on where the OP's head is at.

 

I'll give you a hint: If he wanted out of the relationship he would be gone. He would not be asking our advice on the indicators that are being presented *to him* from her.

[Conviction]

It is readily apparent that you have absolutely no clue on where the OP's head is at.

 

I'll give you a hint: If he wanted out of the relationship he would be gone. He would not be asking our advice on the indicators that are being presented *to him* from her.

 

Ha, you are right, in essence I don't want the relationship to end. I'm head over heels for this girl, and a good portion of our relationship has been awesome. It's just these stupid little isolated incidents keep coming up that have taken a toll. I can't put my finger on it, but i dont know if it's just the relationship taking its course and boundaries are being figured out, or if these things will resurface. The reason I say this is most of the things I had an issue with were corrected.

Edited January 19, 2017 by Conviction

[phineas]

Are we all missing the fact that *she gave him the password to her phone*?

 

What cheating person - cheating, specifically, using (um, yup, exactly) a *phone* app - would not only not watch her own phone, bit would shrug and say "this is my PW, go ahead and grab my phone whenever you want," basically?

 

Can we all just calm down enough for that to register?

 

tinder uses your facebook password.

every app on my phone uses a password different than the phone.

 

so unless she gave him all of those passwords also.....

[CaliforniaGirl]

tinder uses your facebook password.

every app on my phone uses a password different than the phone.

 

so unless she gave him all of those passwords also.....

 

So he would not see that she had a Tinder app? Once he unlocked her phone (with her blessing) and started messing around on it?

[CaliforniaGirl]

It is readily apparent that you have absolutely no clue on where the OP's head is at.

 

I'll give you a hint: If he wanted out of the relationship he would be gone. He would not be asking our advice on the indicators that are being presented *to him* from her.

 

It is apparent you don't know much psychology. )

 

Self-sabatoge is generally what one's subconscious pushes us toward in order to force our own hand and end a painful situation that we don't have the conscious strength to end. I mean that specifically is not the ONLY reason people ever self-sabotage, but in this case, naturally I am speaking of the OP's situation.

 

That's okay, though, it seems OP has once again stamped down his more rational side in order to keep feeling pain and disappointment and I guess to get sex too, so...well, there you have it, until the next aggrieved thread.

 

Oh, but...he'll be watching her. Verrry carefully...

 

There's just no way this could end badly...

 

This girl must have a golden vagina, that's all I can say.he

[CaliforniaGirl]

Ha, you are right, in essence I don't want the relationship to end. I'm head over heels for this girl, and a good portion of our relationship has been awesome. It's just these stupid little isolated incidents keep coming up that have taken a toll. I can't put my finger on it, but i dont know if it's just the relationship taking its course and boundaries are being figured out, or if these things will resurface. The reason I say this is most of the things I had an issue with were corrected.

 

They "were corrected"?

 

So you keep following her around like her parole officer and "correcting" (eew) her until the next thing she can get past you while you go "next time that's IT" but it never is...is that the plan? and then lather, rinse, repeat?

 

This girl must be mental. I can not imagine spending 2 minutes, much less a bed and farcical relationship with a man who stood over me yelling that I WOULD delete what he wanted me to, now now now, and who liked to correct me, ha ha, LOLZ!

 

OMG what is this woman thinking.

 

And what are *you* thinking?

 

Maybe we have all been wrong and you two really are a match. (Shrug) So, god luck going forward.

[KBob]

A few years ago I dated a girl who I met off a dating site and after a while we decided to be exclusive. I deleted my profile and she said she did as well. A week later for some reason it still sent me an email with my matches so I went to the website to see how I could stop it from sending me emails, and there was her profile with an "online now" tag.

 

The next day I confronted her about it and she explained that she had deleted it right after our talk. Without me asking she tried logging in in front of me and it turns out there was ano extra step to delete the profile that I hadn't taken either, hence the email. And she showed me that there was no activity on her end. She did all that without me asking, because she cared about me and wanted to make me feel secure in the relationship.

 

Ditch your girl, she doesn't respect your relationship and is possibly cheating.

[fireflywy]

Dude, you're in a no win scenario here.

 

If you ask her to take it off then and there, some will look at you and say "You are bossing her around. You're controlling. Not cool."

 

If you had said "Sure." and let her take her it off tomorrow you can't be sure she actually did. Then if you ask her for a follow up you'd get the "You're checking up on her now? That's creepy. Not cool."

 

If you don't follow up and she still has it and is messing around on it, then you're being duped and allowing her to persist in her behavior that she can walk all over your relationship when you're not looking. This could end in you being blindsided when she just drops your out of the blue for someone else.

 

If you had said calmly and coolly "I would really appreciate it if you took that off your phone. I believe we are in a committed relationship and that application is injurious to it. If you continue to have it on there, that's a boundary I'm not willing to create and I will walk if need be." Some would probably and rightly say, "That's an ultimatum. You're a jerk."

 

Its a tough situation.

 

I will say though, that in laying down the last option, you are giving her the choice: you or the app. It means you lay down a boundary, say you will walk if it isn't respected (she can put her relationship pants on and make a choice instead of deflecting). At that point, if she doesn't do the right thing (evidence from other posters said how easy it is now to delete and deactivate), then, even though it's tough, you can quietly and resolutely walk away knowing you saved yourself from serious relationship struggles and future problems.

 

This honestly, sounds like that's what you need to do anyway. If you're feeling uneasy and seeing red flags then your gut is probably right.

 

Life is too short to waste your time playing games hoping someone will change or come around. Sometimes you have to bring your ships right along these issues and fire the guns and see what sinks.

 

Good luck.

Edited January 20, 2017 by fireflywy

[Conviction]

They "were corrected"?

 

So you keep following her around like her parole officer and "correcting" (eew) her until the next thing she can get past you while you go "next time that's IT" but it never is...is that the plan? and then lather, rinse, repeat?

 

This girl must be mental. I can not imagine spending 2 minutes, much less a bed and farcical relationship with a man who stood over me yelling that I WOULD delete what he wanted me to, now now now, and who liked to correct me, ha ha, LOLZ!

 

OMG what is this woman thinking.

 

And what are *you* thinking?

 

Maybe we have all been wrong and you two really are a match. (Shrug) So, god luck going forward.

 

You are very confrontational. I don't know where you get the idea that I'm constantly acting as a parole officer in this relationshi? I think your grasping for strings here. Let's take my example. So early on, she said she had this "friend" that she wanted to grab lunch with, it was a guy and according to her they were old friends. I was uncomfortable with it because it seemed like they were in contact a lot (texting, snapchat). So I talked with her about this. After that conversation they were no longer in contact and the situation was dropped. Would you not say that was "corrected?" Maybe I used a wrong word for you, would resolved been better? In essence, she listened to my concerns, choose to respect them and stopped talking to the guy. What is wrong with that?

[frigginlost]

It is apparent you don't know much psychology. )

 

Self-sabatoge is generally what one's subconscious pushes us toward in order to force our own hand and end a painful situation that we don't have the conscious strength to end. I mean that specifically is not the ONLY reason people ever self-sabotage, but in this case, naturally I am speaking of the OP's situation.

 

That's okay, though, it seems OP has once again stamped down his more rational side in order to keep feeling pain and disappointment and I guess to get sex too, so...well, there you have it, until the next aggrieved thread.

 

Oh, but...he'll be watching her. Verrry carefully...

 

There's just no way this could end badly...

 

This girl must have a golden vagina, that's all I can say.he

 

So now this is self-sabotaging??

 

Honestly, and with respect, I'm done talking with you. You are so off-base about everything that you're clinging to any morsel you can to spin the table with the plate on it to have it stop in front of you. I should have stopped conversing with you when a 49 year old woman uses "um, yeah" in her wordings.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Gaeta]

The reason I say this is most of the things I had an issue with were corrected.

 

Even your issues in the bedroom?

[Conviction]

Dude, you're in a no win scenario here.

 

If you ask her to take it off then and there, some will look at you and say "You are bossing her around. You're controlling. Not cool."

 

If you had said "Sure." and let her take her it off tomorrow you can't be sure she actually did. Then if you ask her for a follow up you'd get the "You're checking up on her now? That's creepy. Not cool."

 

If you don't follow up and she still has it and is messing around on it, then you're being duped and allowing her to persist in her behavior that she can walk all over your relationship when you're not looking. This could end in you being blindsided when she just drops your out of the blue for someone else.

 

If you had said calmly and coolly "I would really appreciate it if you took that off your phone. I believe we are in a committed relationship and that application is injurious to it. If you continue to have it on there, that's a boundary I'm not willing to create and I will walk if need be." Some would probably and rightly say, "That's an ultimatum. You're a jerk."

 

Its a tough situation.

 

I will say though, that in laying down the last option, you are giving her the choice: you or the app. It means you lay down a boundary, say you will walk if it isn't respected (she can put her relationship pants on and make a choice instead of deflecting). At that point, if she doesn't do the right thing (evidence from other posters said how easy it is now to delete and deactivate), then, even though it's tough, you can quietly and resolutely walk away knowing you saved yourself from serious relationship struggles and future problems.

 

This honestly, sounds like that's what you need to do anyway. If you're feeling uneasy and seeing red flags then your gut is probably right.

 

Life is too short to waste your time playing games hoping someone will change or come around. Sometimes you have to bring your ships right along these issues and fire the guns and see what sinks.

 

Good luck.

 

Well said. It certainly is a tough situation. Again, the relationship is young and perhaps boundaries just need to be recognized. Now, if I had undeniable proof that she had someone on the side, it would be over no questions asked. However in this situation I do not, I have no proof whatsoever actually. As I said I'm a trust but verify kind of guy. So in this case. I'm trusting the she deleted the app, and that she was not active on it. If down the road I verify that she was lying or I find out the app is still on there, I walk and she knows this. A boundary has been set.

[Conviction]

Even your issues in the bedroom?

 

Progress is being made, it's not perfect yet though so I won't claim that. I initiated two nights ago and no arguments were made, she was into it as well. She's on her monthly thing now so it'll be a bit now.