Sleeping with someone while on a break.... is starting again normal?

[notsurewhattodo]

My now ex fiance (going out 4 years) ended our relationship then quickly decided we should go on a break instead.

I decided to do NC for a month so she could decide what she wanted.

 

She moved back into our house two weeks ago and told me she wanted to get back together but had to tell me she slept with somebody else while we were apart.... a friend from her old work. I was shocked but didn't know if I should end it there or not and told her that I appreciaited her telling me and if it was while we were togther it would be over.

 

We decided to give it another try but things are different. We talked about moving forward and making an effort with each other to get to know each other. She says she wants to take things slow now. Why the @#$$ did she say yes to marrying me 6 months ago then. I feel like she is stringing me along and I am making the effort. We are getting along but I don't feel like she is really pulling out all the stops to prove that she wants me. She said last night that she is finding that moving back home has made things too intense and if she had her parents here, she would just like to date me.

 

I am now thinking of giving up on our relationship. If things are too intense now... what can that mean to someone who said yes to marraige.

 

Today she sent an e-mail saying she really does love me and she wants things to work out between us but feels it's a bit too full on at the moment. Is it normal to go back to dating after a 4 year relationship?! I'm thinking full on or nothing but feeling very confused right now.

[francis]

It sounds like she's calling all the shots here...she is clearly, clearly unsure of what she wants...this is heartbreaking and totally frustrating for you.

 

You cannot erase the past, good and bad, you can only move forward. You must decide whether it is worth investing more of your time, emotion and feeling in this person who has doubts, or throw your dice back up in the air and see where they land...take a chance on a future without her...

 

You must decide what you want, persevere or cut all ties, and that means, moving on without her and starting a fresh...

 

Only you know what you could cope with, it depends how much you value this person as an individual in your life and if you feel she's worth fighting for or whether you want to walk away now and save yourself further heartbreak

[ReluctantRomeo]

I would definitely take a step back. With immediate effect. In fact, a good rule is that if they take a step back, you take 2. Go back to dating. Drop your effort level to a little below hers. Let her do the chasing.

 

For the longer term though, you need to reflect. My personal feeling is that someone who can't commit to you after 4 years will never commit. Especially if they were talking marriage 6 months ago and have now backed away.

 

But maybe she's just having jitters. You could maintain the relationship and try a month of low contact/initiative from your end, see how she feels by the end. Or you could break up with her now and go NC, saying that you need commitment she isn't willing to give. Maybe this will bring her round. Maybe it won't.

[pippen_2k]

( worst case scenerio ) - She hasnt got the balls ( yeah yeah I know she is female but you know what I mean ) to say its over so she is gonna do it in a way which makes it easier for her... at the same time will totally screw you around.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I feel like she is stringing me along and I am making the effort.

 

She is. She no longer wants the same relationship you do, and you'll have to understand and accept that the relationship you had prior to this break is gone and let it go completely. Remember: the relationship you had was the relationship she needed a "break" from, so there's pretty much no chance she's going to willingly go back to a relationship that she needed a "break" from. If things go back to the way they were between you, she will need a "break" again.

 

She is trying to push you into a new and different relationship: one that she won't need a "break" from and you will have to decide if this new relationship is what you want, because this is pretty much what you are going to be stuck with now.