Lost.

[Been]

I used the anger to fuel me to do things I didn't think I could achieve to be honest. Kinda like a motivational tool.

The only reason your having a hard time is because she WRONGED you big time.

This is hard because you gave her your all and she basically stabbed you in the back thus making it harder to get over her.

Your already hurt so use the pain to spur you into doing something great for yourself. That's what I did.

Every time I thought I couldn't do something I would see her face and it would make me work harder.

And I did it on my own. I got tired of talking about her to family and friends. And they were patient listening to me but I just kept repeating the SAMETHING over and over again-why did she do this or that. Why didn't I see it.

And the truth is I saw the signs- I just chose to ignore them figuring love would be enough. So not only was I mad at her but more so I was madder at myself for allowing this.

Thier came a point where I had to make a decision. Just make a choice.

So I did. And it didn't mean I just automatically stopped thinking of her.

[Been]

And you know what?If you asked my ex why she did what she did I think even she couldn't come up with an answer.

A lot of people will tell you to forgive your ex because it helps you move on. I think that's BS- you have no choice but to move on.

[Sunnymae]

Soo, today morning I woke up feeling different, less "bad thoughts" (We'll just call my "I want to physically hurt myself feeling so the emotional pain would stop" bad thoughts).

But I knew it is temporary, still though an improvement from where I was a year and a half ago.

 

I wanted to give meditation a try, I sat back, relaxed, and started counting my deep breaths till reaching 10. Focused on my chest as I was breathing in... and out.

Kept doing that with my eyes closed for about 10 minutes, then I fell asleep (at least I think I fell asleep). The reason why I think I fell asleep is because I remember I was still counting my deep breaths, but this time my mind was roaming in a place it shouldn't be roaming in.

 

I saw her, and we started talking and talking and gazing, with every deep breath I took, I felt a spike in my chest, I told her I miss you, lets fix this sh*t. I don't remember the rest of the convo, I just remember her face clearly, and then my phone rang (thank god) when I saw what time was it, only around 8 mins have passed. The dream felt like hours !

 

Guys, I know i'm messed up too badly and I really don't mean to keep on nagging, but I'm not giving in to this ****ty feeling.

 

ugh..

 

I'm going to try to check your recommended videos, but I'm very new to this, I do not know how or what to do in these situations other than feeling enough psychical pain that will make me forget the other "bad thoughts"

Commit to persist. When nothing is working out, it is easy to want to go back to self-destructive behaviors. Doing something—anything—is a victory, even if you feel it is not. Make a commitment to keep on trying; the longer you stay fighting, the better the chance of victory. Try distracting skills, hold an ice cube instead of self harming.

Before acting on an impulse ask yourself this question:

“Is what I am doing helping me reach my goal?”

 

 

 

Before acting on an impulse ask yourself this question:

“Is what I am doing helping me reach my goal?”

 

You have to let go of attachments to things outside of self, and learn to get your emotional supplies from within. This means, you have to help yourself to attach to your higher self, or higher power within, and you have to learn to operate completely from self--with or without the need of the approval or validation of others.

[RatherNotSay]

@Been You are exactly right, you have no choice but to move on, but how can you move on when everything you do reminds you of her ?, imagining her beside you with every step you take. Reliving the past every single day. I mean, I never get attached to anything (anyone), how did this happen ? How can this one person occupy this huge space in my mind and heart ?

Being there right next to me with every step I take, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy ! This feeling is in-explainable, I can't put it in words and I don't understand it.

 

I tried directing it towards a rewarding act (Working harder, etc) It didn't work yet, hopefully it will soon.

 

@Sunnymae YES !, I will commit, though saying it, is much harder than acting on it. Specially for someone who daydreams every couple of minutes. But I truly love what you are saying, I'm listening to the link you posted as I write.

 

I didn't think I'll be able to find some kind of peace and answers by writing here on loveshack, I wish I did two years ago.

 

There's also another reason why my feelings are acting up again and going up the roof, her birthday is in 12 days, and I've been thinking about it a month ago. It really meant a lot to me, and I loved surprising her on that day.

Every bit of logic and common sense left in me tell me not to contact her, nothing good will come of it, it will only worsen me and put me on a setback.

How can I contact her after what have happened between us ?

 

I don't want to think about her anymore, I want her image, the thought of her completely gone, and they say time heals all wounds, but it is worsening mine.

I'm really trying, "committing" to the moving on path, ugh.

 

I'm not really sure what to do with her birthday coming up.

Sometimes I don't trust myself.

[Sunnymae]

I'm going to be blunt, you got to come up for air, and get your head out of the clouds. You have to come out and see what's going on. You got to help yourself!

 

Imagine that you're in the edge of a whirlwind and you have to help yourself, you're teetering on the edge. You have things around you grab on to so you won't fall in, you survive, all it takes is for you to reach out and grab that tree branch. Now you gotta hold on, and after awhile the whirlwind will pass. Just imagine, if you didn't help yourself you'd be sucked in then you may not survive.

 

This is called Imaginary therapy You can use it to help reach goals promote healing.

 

Now about the Birthday question:

 

You don't owe her anything. It's crucial you take care of YOU! . You have your life and she has hers. It's important you trust your intuition here. May you have wisdom through this. But no Birthday wishes from you is best.

[DarrenB]

@Been You are exactly right, you have no choice but to move on, but how can you move on when everything you do reminds you of her ?

 

Gradually you learn to endure the (constant) reminiscence. That, I can tell you with confidence.

 

The more you reflect each scenario that causes you grief and suffering, it will hurt, right? But it's when you begin to realize and acknowledge the inevitable that will fundamentally help you and guide you onto a path of moving forward and coping with said loss.

 

As the weeks, months or however long go by, you will remind yourself of why you're still here, how you've coped and progressed without her. You'll eventually find solace in yourself rather than wanting to receive it from her.

 

I'll be cliche with what I say, but with time and the correct mindset you will be able to surpass how you currently feel and things will begin to piece itself back together, with or without her in your present or future life.

 

It probably won't be easy, but you'll get there. Good luck.

[RatherNotSay]

@ٍSunnymae I started watching videos every night before sleep now, I'd like to think/believe its helping or will help later on. Its just really hard to focus when you are always absent-minded, but I will hold on to that tree branch, I don't want to be sucked in.

 

@DarrenB It's not easy at all, in fact, it's the hardest thing I ever went through (still going through) and I've been through some hard sh*t. Thanks mate.

[RatherNotSay]

So, here I am again, finding myself here.

Reason why I'm posting is because its a way of not doing anything stupid. This morning again I had a dream about her. It was very real and the pain after waking up was indescribable. Huge part of me wanted to go back to sleep and ditch work to continue the dream, another part wanted to again physically hurt myself so the emotional pain would stop.

 

(in the dream) I've met her back where we used to hang out, and agreed to meet later in the evening. I've waited and waited she never came so I called to ask why didn't you come, she said that she waited for my call, to tell her to come and that now she's pissed because I didn't call and she wants to leave me. Then I wanted to beg her to stay, to come over again, let me see your face one more time, as soon as I opened my mouth my phone alarm woke me up. Guess what then? It's time to go to work where I can't function nor do anything useful.

 

The past weeks I've completely stopped any kind of stalking and started watching some videos everyday before sleep. For some reason this doesn't seem to be working out. Could it be it differs from a person to another ? I mean, maybe watching videos and what not will workout for someone who doesn't daydream every 10 mins, maybe I should try some other options ? (Therapy is not an option here).

 

On the other hand, maybe this should workout but because her birthday is in 4 days so my emotions are acting up ?

 

I swear I'm not usually a drag, but this is the only place I can let this out.

[LitTunnel]

@RatherNotSay I'm with you my friend. Absolutely you're feeling bad because of her birthday coming up. I remember the days leading up to my ex and I's 1 year anniversary, boy oh boy was I a mess. Dude, I'm really, really struggling too bro so we are in it together. Just don't force yourself to fight these feelings. Try to accept it for what they are, feelings. I did notice that the more I try to push these feelings the more I would dream of her and lately I haven't so I'm good. I know it's tough bro but try to hang in there.

[Sunnymae]

Feel the emotion, and the physical pain associated with the thought, and lean into it, sit with the pain it'll dissipate. Be aware of it, feel it, then accept it. Feel the Pain, sit with the physical pain. You'll feeling it in your core, go ahead lean into it. You're going to have to this over and over. Then notice things and objects.

Go out with friends, go on a dating app. Meet people, start forming new Nero pathways. You gotta get out of this loop , you gotta work it. It's your part time job. Watch Alan Robarge Relationship coaching. Acceptance is the doorway to it. It's the Transformation of It. It can become your main meditation, your main teacher.

 

Cut the link between the thought and the emotion. Place your

attention on the emotion, feel it. Shine the light of awareness on it burn up the old emotion.

[Sunnymae]

I've dreamt about my ex on more then one occasion, and I felt like you wanting to know what it meant. To be perfectly honest, it was just a dream. I was thinking about that person so I ended up dreaming about them. Nothing more nothing less.

 

You seem like you got a head on your shoulder, and you seem normal. You should try downloading a dating App. Tinder it's popular here in the US. Maybe they have something like that where you are at. Humans suffer when they don't have connections, someone that has your back. Go out and make connections. I mean you seem relatable on here. So I'm reasonably sure you'd be able to find someone

[RatherNotSay]

@LitTunnel How can I put this, these feelings and emotions that I'm going through, in someway, they're becoming an independent part of me that I don't understand. It's kind of scary sometimes.

I do not know how to accept/embrace these feelings, whenever I think I did, I put a smile on my face, that smile is nothing but a mask, ugh my friend.

Time heals every wound, I have to believe that.

And honestly, there's comfort in knowing others are also in this emotional train with me.

 

@Sunnymae Somehow your words always get to me. I've been watching the videos you suggested and I'd like to believe their benefits will start to show on me soon. And yes, I don't only "watch", I also listen to what they have to say, and it all makes sense to me. Just like I mentioned just now, I'm not sure I know how to embrace these overwhelming feelings, I think I need to find my own way in doing so. And you are right, dreams are just dreams, of course I'll dream about "Her" since she's always on my mind, and if not you will find her in my subconscious mind kinda nesting there. It's not that I try not to think about her or avoid her, no, she's just there, always. So, since I dream about her every couple of days (a must), I want to try to look at these dreams in a less destructive way.

 

I didn't agree to this, I didn't know falling in-love meant going through this. I've never shared this with anyone though, (specially her, I've never let her actually know how deeply in love I am with her).

 

And btw, I'm actually a pretty good looking guy with good qualities (that's what I hear often). I've had many chances to be with other women (for fun or a serious one, I'm the serious type though) but I do not want to be in any kind of relationship in the time being. I can't drag anyone to this "loop" with me, I need to find my way out first, find myself. And to be honest, I do not want to fall in-love again, not until I know exactly how to control it and what went wrong. Also, I don't want a "rebound" (I see it as a cowardly act), the moment I feel like me again (which seems far lost) I'll consider being with someone. I need to do this by myself though, and having my friends around is of a help of course.

 

And I appreciate it you guys being here.

[LitTunnel]

For all it's worth I've been feeling pretty good the last couple days, thank god! Dare I say I'm feeling almost like my old self. But if you notice I said almost. Meaning, I'm not 100% obviously. I still think about my ex a lot, wondering what she's doing, when she's having sex, how she's feeling, thinking. Is she thinking of me? Has she forgotten me? Does she even give a crap about me? I mean these thoughts are still racing through my mind but the intensity has diminished big time I've noticed. If you were to ask me this just 2-3 weeks ago I would tell you HELL NO. Now, I don't want to be overly optimistic because I could potentially have a relapse like I did last week but I'm noticing more and more I'm feeling better so it's all good.

 

So you see bro, I should be a good example for you. I mean me telling you I was a mess is an understatement. I was an absolute disaster and now I'm feeling much better. Of course I've been dealing with this longer than you have so just give yourself some time bro.

[Sunnymae]

Okay, so yesterday I kept obsessing about my ex. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I was so depressed. But anyway I woke up this morning feeling better. So I wanted to know what precipated this... and I recalled a video I saw.that said Obsessive thoughts are activated at the level of intimacy. So , even Fantasying or thinking about being intimate with the person will throw you into obsessing mode which is what happened to me. I mean you can think of them just don't think of them in an intimate way, that's when the obsession will get activated. Anyway hope this helps you.

[RatherNotSay]

@LitTunnel I have no other choice but give myself more time, hopefully soon enough it will be all over and I can finally be me again.

 

@Sunnymae You're right, thinking in a intimate way about her does put me on a big set back, and obsessive thoughts/feelings start rushing in. I tried not to go into the "intimacy" thinking, obsessiveness was still there, but much less.

 

You know, to be honest, some part of me is scared that she might contact me, what if she sends me a message saying sorry or whatever crap, how will I reply? Will I be able to tell her to leave me alone? Or will it trigger everything that I have been through again? I've never been afraid of something as I am from this.