xxjustinukxx Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 Hello everyone, Im hoping for some advice and /or words of wisdom. My ex wife and I were together for about 14 years and have three beautiful children together. We split up and then divorced after the relationship broke down and we were both so unhappy. I subsequently found out she'd been having an affair with one of my best friends for almost two years - but that's another story. We now have a reasonable relationship, we communicate well and the kids are well supported and loved and for the most part, we get on ok. So, when we first split up, we agreed on a 6 month period where we would wait before introducing the kids to a new partner etc. I have been seeing someone now for almost 6 months now, and though the kids have met her twice briefly, it was as "daddy's friend". I respect mine and my exes agreement but I'm very anxious about how to tell my ex now. The only other serious relationship I had since my ex was heavily affected by my ex making life difficult in several ways, and when I casually mentioned recently about dating to my ex in conversation, she said she "doesn't have faith in my track record with women" - I do have trust issues, but I think it's justified under circumstances in the past. So how's a reasonable way to mention my new partner to my ex? I think a text is a bit iffy but face to face might seem like I'm placing more importance in my ex's role in it. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it. But my kids are involved so it's important. What do you think? I'd appreciate any advice!
stillafool Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 I think since your ex cheated on you with a best friend, you two are now divorced I would just tell her via text, phone, in person whatever. She doesn't deserve this much thought as it relates to your private life. Why are you afraid of her? 6
Redhead14 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 Hello everyone, Im hoping for some advice and /or words of wisdom. My ex wife and I were together for about 14 years and have three beautiful children together. We split up and then divorced after the relationship broke down and we were both so unhappy. I subsequently found out she'd been having an affair with one of my best friends for almost two years - but that's another story. We now have a reasonable relationship, we communicate well and the kids are well supported and loved and for the most part, we get on ok. So, when we first split up, we agreed on a 6 month period where we would wait before introducing the kids to a new partner etc. I have been seeing someone now for almost 6 months now, and though the kids have met her twice briefly, it was as "daddy's friend". I respect mine and my exes agreement but I'm very anxious about how to tell my ex now. The only other serious relationship I had since my ex was heavily affected by my ex making life difficult in several ways, and when I casually mentioned recently about dating to my ex in conversation, she said she "doesn't have faith in my track record with women" - I do have trust issues, but I think it's justified under circumstances in the past. So how's a reasonable way to mention my new partner to my ex? I think a text is a bit iffy but face to face might seem like I'm placing more importance in my ex's role in it. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it. But my kids are involved so it's important. What do you think? I'd appreciate any advice! Just tell her you are dating someone and that the kids have met her. I would advise, however, that you do not include your children much with the new partner for a while longer and until the relationship is firmly established. Six months is not a lot of time, frankly, so don't let your kids get too attached to this one yet. When children are involved, it's best to be cautious -- in fact, it's best to be overly cautious. she said she "doesn't have faith in my track record with women" - I find this a very odd and somewhat judgemental and off-base comment given the fact that you were Married for 14 years! and she's the one who trashed it by cheating!!!! Be upfront and confident. 3
mightycpa Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 Hello everyone, Im hoping for some advice and /or words of wisdom. My ex wife and I were together for about 14 years and have three beautiful children together. We split up and then divorced after the relationship broke down and we were both so unhappy. I subsequently found out she'd been having an affair with one of my best friends for almost two years - but that's another story. We now have a reasonable relationship, we communicate well and the kids are well supported and loved and for the most part, we get on ok. So, when we first split up, we agreed on a 6 month period where we would wait before introducing the kids to a new partner etc. I have been seeing someone now for almost 6 months now, and though the kids have met her twice briefly, it was as "daddy's friend". I respect mine and my exes agreement but I'm very anxious about how to tell my ex now. The only other serious relationship I had since my ex was heavily affected by my ex making life difficult in several ways, and when I casually mentioned recently about dating to my ex in conversation, she said she "doesn't have faith in my track record with women" - I do have trust issues, but I think it's justified under circumstances in the past. So how's a reasonable way to mention my new partner to my ex? I think a text is a bit iffy but face to face might seem like I'm placing more importance in my ex's role in it. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it. But my kids are involved so it's important. What do you think? I'd appreciate any advice!I'd go with Hi, here's the kids back, safe and sound! By the way, this weekend, I introduced them to my girlfriend. We've been going out since July, she's really nice and the kids love her. So do I, so I don't want to hear anything negative coming back from the kids, ok? You just have to make her understand that this is important to you, and that your kids can't be harmed by knowing her. And that comment about your track record? Wow, she set you up to knock her out of the park, didn't she? My response would have been "Don't be so hard on yourself. How could I have known you'd cheat on me?" 3
lurker74 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 Why do you need to tell her ? This. Just don't say anything. If and when you introduce the kids (and I agree that you should tread carefully here), it will become public knowledge. I mean...do you struggle with how to tell your neighbor that lives two doors down? Because outside of your relationship with your kids, you relationship with your ex is about the same. 1
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 You don't need to report to her. You are an adult man who knows what he's doing with a good concern for his children. Keep her out of your business. 5
MSB123 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 I wouldnt worry about telling her. My ex never tells me when she introduces the kids to a new boyfriend, and she doesnt let me meet them either. However, I always let her know if I am going to do introduce the kids to a girlfriend, and offer to have her meet them which she declined. I do it out of respect for my kids, just like I want to meet their teacher each year. So do whatever you think is best for the kids, and you are comfortable with. And not worry about her. Thats my two cents.
mightycpa Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 You don't need to report to her. You are an adult man who knows what he's doing with a good concern for his children. Keep her out of your business. Except that he does, because he said he would. Not a good idea to unilaterally change the deal. For this decision, a lot depends on how old the kids are. You don't want them getting too attached to a transient. So, as they get older, this becomes less of a concern, but still, I think both parents need to come to an understanding.
Miss Peach Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 FWIW XH and I haven't had these discussions. I found out most of it through the kids. We hadn't shared any of that stuff until someone lived with one of us. Even when he got married I heard that through the kids and I didn't know until the day before when XH picked up the kids.
selinaluv Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 Why do you need to tell her ? I agree with this. My ex and I have been split for a while and he knows nothing of my dating . I do rarely introduce men to my daughter, but when I have, it has been as friends and I mentioned it to my ex in random conversations. If something got more serious, maybe I would mention it, but it would be a quick conversation and that is it. You don't really owe her that discussion and she should place no judgement on your "track record with women". The less you tell her, the less impact she will have on this new relationship.
Lilyana76 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 My situation might be somewhat different, but my ex has had five girlfriends in the last year (that's what I call a bad track record with women). I told him he is not allowed to have the kids around his girlfriends until they are in a serious relationship, like discussing moving in with her. I could care less if hes dating someone new. That's his problem. But he isn't allowed to have the kids around them for quite some time. I find out when hes dating someone new because we were married for 20 years and have much the same social circle, so news always comes back to me. Maybe your wife already knows. I'm sure the kids have mentioned something about your friend to her. Right now my ex has been dating a married woman for 3 months. She still isn't showing signs of leaving her husband. He knows I don't approve of her being around the kids while she is still married. My kids tell me everything that's going on, so if he brings her around them I hear about it.
Simple Logic Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 How to tell my ex wife I'needing someone new now? I think you did that when you filed for divorce. 2
kendahke Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 So, when we first split up, we agreed on a 6 month period where we would wait before introducing the kids to a new partner etc. I have been seeing someone now for almost 6 months now, What's to tell? You honored the agreement. 6 months is up. I don't see why you need to even tell her, considering she's probably had her cheating partner in your children's presence long before now... cheaters also are liars-it rather dovetails nicely with the cheating. But if you must, tell her in passing and don't let yourself get sucked into a protracted conversation about it because what you will be doing is granting your ex the power to determine the course of your relationships and she is no longer fit for that position. You aren't her renovation project and she's not your messiah. Keep her as far out of your private dating life as you can... your kids, too. The less they know, the less they can be coerced into spilling the tea. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 Keep her as far out of your private dating life as you can... your kids, too. The less they know, the less they can be coerced into spilling the tea. -- This is exactly one of the big reasons for not including kids much in the early development of a relationship with a new partner -- their mother may pump them for information, etc. Given her attitude about his "track record", she will use it as fodder for BS and it puts the kids in the middle . . . Your agreement was to not include kids before 6 months . . . you actually did break that agreement. Nevertheless, it's best to just be upfront because the kids know too. Going forward, however, nothing else needs to be said about your private life. 1
bachdude Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 I'm missing something. The agreement was that you don't introduce the kids to SOs until the 6 month mark. As far as what you wrote, the agreement doesn't include reporting to your ex who you're dating, how long you've dated, or even if or when you introduce them to the kids.
Redhead14 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 I'm missing something. The agreement was that you don't introduce the kids to SOs until the 6 month mark. As far as what you wrote, the agreement doesn't include reporting to your ex who you're dating, how long you've dated, or even if or when you introduce them to the kids. "we agreed on a 6 month period where we would wait before introducing the kids to a new partner etc" -- He introduced the kids to her already. So, he needs to at least acknowledge it now so that the kids aren't the ones to "spill the beans". He doesn't need to report anything further, however. It's just a matter of transparency now. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2017 Posted January 18, 2017 Hello everyone, Im hoping for some advice and /or words of wisdom. My ex wife and I were together for about 14 years and have three beautiful children together. We split up and then divorced after the relationship broke down and we were both so unhappy. I subsequently found out she'd been having an affair with one of my best friends for almost two years - but that's another story. We now have a reasonable relationship, we communicate well and the kids are well supported and loved and for the most part, we get on ok. So, when we first split up, we agreed on a 6 month period where we would wait before introducing the kids to a new partner etc. I have been seeing someone now for almost 6 months now, and though the kids have met her twice briefly, it was as "daddy's friend". I respect mine and my exes agreement but I'm very anxious about how to tell my ex now. The only other serious relationship I had since my ex was heavily affected by my ex making life difficult in several ways, and when I casually mentioned recently about dating to my ex in conversation, she said she "doesn't have faith in my track record with women" - I do have trust issues, but I think it's justified under circumstances in the past. So how's a reasonable way to mention my new partner to my ex? I think a text is a bit iffy but face to face might seem like I'm placing more importance in my ex's role in it. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it. But my kids are involved so it's important. What do you think? I'd appreciate any advice! Your ex shouldn't be so hard about this seeing as she had an affair with for 2 years with one of your best friends. All you have to do is let her know that you've met someone and it's serious. Allow her to ask some questions about this woman because she is going to be around the kids. I assume you'd want some info on a guy she's dating who's going to be around your kids. Don't make a big deal of it, keep calm and if she reacts badly or freaks at you, tell her you two can discuss it when she's more rational and calm.
Popsicle Posted January 18, 2017 Posted January 18, 2017 You don't have to tell the ex anything but think long and hard about whether this woman is going to be around long term. If the answer is no then don't intro her to your kids. 3
Author xxjustinukxx Posted January 19, 2017 Author Posted January 19, 2017 (edited) How to tell my ex wife I'needing someone new now? I think you did that when you filed for divorce. That was a typo. It should have said "seeing someone new". And we filed a joint divorce claim. But I appreciate the humor. Edited January 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed the typo in the title of the thread ~6
Hopefuleddie Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Hello, First of all, sorry that things didn't go well with your marriage. I would humbly suggest looking back at what went wrong with your past relationship that you can change, and focus on changing those things, while you develop this relationship with this new woman. Don't be too concerned with your ex, as she no longer has the same role in your life as she once did. Informing her about your involvement with this new friend [for F.Y.I. purposes] is fine, but not for the purpose of getting her approval. It might be advisable to set boundaries for each other regarding your involvement in each other's personal life. Hope everything goes well for you and your family
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