Being friends with dumper, can I forget my ex's possible rebound?

[layla21]

Hi all,

 

Long story short: I have been in a lovely and passionate LDR with my ex boyfriend of 1,5yr. We were in so many ways each other's first and as cheesy it may sound we claimed it was our first true love. Of course we had our up and down's but months before the breakup, I felt we were disconnecting emotionally -he was always busy and didnt make an effort for skype dates. I felt for granted but as I felt we argued already too much, I rather kept it to myself.

 

Nevertheless, all was okay until he went on his sibling's wedding and vanished again for 5 days without telling me anything. Even a day afterwards, no messages or updates, I admit I had some personal issues as well and felt lonely which led to me outburst (note: i also have a short temper sometimes but can control it, only let it out if I really care about somebody or something). Anyway, I messaged him being all sarcastic and passive agressive which I am very ashamed of. Sure, I have used some words, I never used before but it all came out that after all these months of telling him and begging him to change something about the circumstances, to truly make a effort. He did but it was not enough. But I guess its out of sight, out of mind.

 

After this incident, he broke up with me telling me even that he cannot imagine 'living with me under a roof' and marriage is out of sight as well. I understood. However, in the conversation 1 week after the split, where I pathetically asked him to reconsider, he told me about a girl he is currently hanging out with a lot and there might be something going on later. He does not want me to wait and be a backup and that I should move on.

 

Right now, I am trying NC, being on for 2 weeks, becoming week, another weeks,etc. but currently trying to hold it up. I am feeling 'better' but I do still miss him and I would consider taking him back if he wants to try. Even as a friend but it would take so much effort and I dont know if it is worth it -I dont get it how you can tell your ex after a week who is clearly upset and cried that there might be someone else? I felt like there is no emphathy at all and he changed, that we had was forgotten and I am worthless, replaceable, disposable.

 

Indeed, he has lost my respect and trust - as a possible friend (he wants it) or remotely lover again. Not because of anger or sadness but out of decency because I never would have done it to him but try to help him to cope if I were the dumper. But it is a pity after everything we have been through.

 

I know time will heal wounds and I might let all go but I can hardly forget when someone is treating me this low.

 

I would appreciate any advice on how to move on with him but trying to overcome those feelings of his changed image I have and also his possible rebound.

[PegNosePete]

Well the first step is realising what happened and accepting it.

 

Clearly, what happened is that he met someone at his sibling's wedding. They hit it off. He immediately felt that this new potential real-life relationship would be much better for him than carrying on with "skype dates" forever. And so, he traded you in for the better offer.

 

Do you really want to be friends with someone who'd do that to you? He basically went to a wedding and acted like he was single, met someone else, and immediately dropped you.

 

What a jerk. Personally I would never speak to him again.

[layla21]

Well the first step is realising what happened and accepting it.

 

Clearly, what happened is that he met someone at his sibling's wedding. They hit it off. He immediately felt that this new potential real-life relationship would be much better for him than carrying on with "skype dates" forever. And so, he traded you in for the better offer.

 

Do you really want to be friends with someone who'd do that to you? He basically went to a wedding and acted like he was single, met someone else, and immediately dropped you.

 

What a jerk. Personally I would never speak to him again.

 

Thanks for your message.

 

Yes, I have already accepted that we are over, that things may never be as they were before. I would say I am 'ready' to really move forward.

 

You are absolutely right to ask those questions, I would have asked my girlfriends exactly the same - but once it is you, it is different. I am a quite realistic person and I know for sure even without psychological researches and all that people cope with breakups in different ways. Maybe he was dissatisfied of how things were, yes, maybe there was a potential better option. However, I am willing to forgive, not to forget, and I am trying to think about what to do after the NC. If I can respect and trust him again? Because I know we will cross path again. Maybe it seems I am still delusional and holding onto someone I should let go ...

[PegNosePete]

Maybe it seems I am still delusional and holding onto someone I should let go ...

Yes, to me it does.

 

Don't think about what the future may or may not hold. Just take it one day at a time and do what is right for you today. That is, NC.

 

When you stop counting the days, then it is time to think of what to do next.

[layla21]

Still, sometimes I get so mad just thinking about it. Breaking up and one week later there might be a better option and even telling this your ex?

It is just a switch in character and I'm terribly disappointed as I know he is a decent guy but I guess some just don't care that much about their ex anymore after a breakup ...it's just unfortunate but yes, NC for now.

[not-again]

Hello Layla, I spent sometime reading your post and I'm sorry about what you had experienced. It's never fun. As you mentioned in my thread, it does seem like we went through a break up about the same time.

 

I have to agree with pegnosepete. You should remain NC. I personally believe if you were in a relationship, you should not allow yourself to be in a situation that you might fall in love or have interests with someone else. Assuming he was "acting single" at his siblings wedding it is a dog thing to do. It's emotionally cheating. Your SO should have only one person to be with emotionally and physically. Like my ex, I don't understand how he could switch characters so quickly over a short period of time.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. We're here for you.

[not-again]

I firmly believe in NOT being friends with any exs. It might just be me but if they've hurt you enough to break up, cheated on you, broke up with you and moved on quickly etc I wouldn't want to hear or see them again. It's easier for me to move on that way because, and I quote, "if two past lovers can remain friends it's either they were never in love, or they still are" and being the dumpee, you're probably still in love with the dumper.

 

Apologies for the little rant, it may or may not make sense, but for me at this point in time with my break up, it somehow makes sense to me.

[layla21]

Hello Layla, I spent sometime reading your post and I'm sorry about what you had experienced. It's never fun. As you mentioned in my thread, it does seem like we went through a break up about the same time.

 

I have to agree with pegnosepete. You should remain NC. I personally believe if you were in a relationship, you should not allow yourself to be in a situation that you might fall in love or have interests with someone else. Assuming he was "acting single" at his siblings wedding it is a dog thing to do. It's emotionally cheating. Your SO should have only one person to be with emotionally and physically. Like my ex, I don't understand how he could switch characters so quickly over a short period of time.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. We're here for you.

 

Thanks for your message and support, not-again! It really sees like we are in this mess together.

 

But I totally agree with you but it is so hard to accept sometimes. Some days I think I have accepted it fully but there are other times where it just hits me again that he actually has done it.

You are right, in a true relationship, these things should not happen - it never has occured to me once to cheat on him emotionally. It just disappoints me to see him being all changed. Deep down I know he is rational and reasonable but somehow it got him - sometimes I even think about possible reasons like GIGS or whatever may exist out there to clarify and get my own kind of closure but I really should let go and not concern myself with that. Taking time should help.

 

Concerning the "being friends" act, I am not quite sure yet. Right now I focus on NC and myself first (at least trying hard) and if he ever messages me (I am def not reaching out), I think about it more. I think I cannot make a reasonable decision in my state now where I havent completely got over him yet. We'll see - maybe I become so indifferent down the road where being friends or not does not even matter anymore.

 

Still, thanks for the advices though. I def keep it in my mind.

Edited January 25, 2017 by layla21