Can Husband/Man be Abused?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I lay in bed Saturday feeling that way. It has happened over the years. I am talking verbal and emotional abuse.

 

 

Backstory: My wife has alcoholic tendencies. She also has a big loud personality and can debate with the best. I am passive, quiet and debating is not my strong suit. I think she has trained me to just be quiet or else it leads to a big argument and her getting her way. She can be explosive and irate at times, usually when drinking.

 

 

So we throw an engagement party for her niece last Saturday. Side story - my wife has this middle child syndrome where she likes to spend money, do nice things for people. I think of it as buying friends. End side story. My wife doesn't work and we occasionally argue over finances. She spent probably close to a $1,000 on this engagement party on food, alcohol, decorations, etc. Her sister did buy some napkins and the cake I believe and made a big to do over it. I didn't say anything lest it lead to a big argument.

 

 

Day of party W is stressed out cleaning, her mother is cleaning, I am a cleaning and organizing. Her sister's family is nowhere to be found. They did help a bit the day before but our house was still in disarray. Party was great and they did extend us a public thank you.

 

 

I head to bed around midnight with her sisters family and mom still at our house. The house was an utter mess. I wake up around 3:30 to the loud noises of my wife cleaning up. I politely call her name and was about to tell her to come to bed before she cut me off and began berating me that she wouldn't be up cleaning if I would have helped her clean. She just screamed at me. I told her not to attack me like that.

 

 

So I go back to bed and was thinking, I just spent $1,000 entertaining her sisters, nieces' friends and fiancé's family, spent time on my day off cleaning and then I get berating for not cleaning up in the middle of the night. It hit me that this is abuse and she's been doing this type of thing for a long time.

 

 

I am just not happy and want to leave. Thing is I don't want to cause any issues for my kids. My youngest is 4 years away from the age I'd feel comfortable putting them thru a divorce.

[Redhead14]

I lay in bed Saturday feeling that way. It has happened over the years. I am talking verbal and emotional abuse.

 

 

Backstory: My wife has alcoholic tendencies. She also has a big loud personality and can debate with the best. I am passive, quiet and debating is not my strong suit. I think she has trained me to just be quiet or else it leads to a big argument and her getting her way. She can be explosive and irate at times, usually when drinking.

 

 

So we throw an engagement party for her niece last Saturday. Side story - my wife has this middle child syndrome where she likes to spend money, do nice things for people. I think of it as buying friends. End side story. My wife doesn't work and we occasionally argue over finances. She spent probably close to a $1,000 on this engagement party on food, alcohol, decorations, etc. Her sister did buy some napkins and the cake I believe and made a big to do over it. I didn't say anything lest it lead to a big argument.

 

 

Day of party W is stressed out cleaning, her mother is cleaning, I am a cleaning and organizing. Her sister's family is nowhere to be found. They did help a bit the day before but our house was still in disarray. Party was great and they did extend us a public thank you.

 

 

I head to bed around midnight with her sisters family and mom still at our house. The house was an utter mess. I wake up around 3:30 to the loud noises of my wife cleaning up. I politely call her name and was about to tell her to come to bed before she cut me off and began berating me that she wouldn't be up cleaning if I would have helped her clean. She just screamed at me. I told her not to attack me like that.

 

 

So I go back to bed and was thinking, I just spent $1,000 entertaining her sisters, nieces' friends and fiancé's family, spent time on my day off cleaning and then I get berating for not cleaning up in the middle of the night. It hit me that this is abuse and she's been doing this type of thing for a long time.

 

 

I am just not happy and want to leave. Thing is I don't want to cause any issues for my kids. My youngest is 4 years away from the age I'd feel comfortable putting them thru a divorce.

 

You need to sit down with your wife and tell her how her behavior makes you feel. You observe her response and whether or not she attempts to correct the behavior and go from there. Put her on notice that you cannot tolerate this behavior anymore.

 

I am passive, quiet and debating is not my strong suit. I think she has trained me to just be quiet -- This is a situation that requires you to stand up for yourself!

 

Address this with your wife, demand that she attend counseling with you. You owe it to yourself, your wife, your marriage and your kids to at least make a serious attempt to rectify this as a couple.

 

My youngest is 4 years away from the age I'd feel comfortable putting them thru a divorce -- Children would rather be FROM a broken home, than IN one. Don't kid yourself into thinking that this doesn't affect them on some level. The atmosphere in the home affects children very much. It makes them anxious at best.

 

My wife has alcoholic tendencies. -- I'd be very wary and wondering what goes on when you aren't around. Is this the kind of behavior you want to expose your kids to? Does she drink during the day when she's caring for the children? If she's abusive when she's drinking, I have to wonder if the kids are seeing/experiencing this behavior as well.

 

If she refuses, you go to a lawyer and find out what your options are.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

You need to sit down with your wife and tell her how her behavior makes you feel. You observe her response and whether or not she attempts to correct the behavior and go from there. Put her on notice that you cannot tolerate this behavior anymore.

 

I am passive, quiet and debating is not my strong suit. I think she has trained me to just be quiet -- This is a situation that requires you to stand up for yourself!

 

Address this with your wife, demand that she attend counseling with you. You owe it to yourself, your wife, your marriage and your kids to at least make a serious attempt to rectify this as a couple.

 

My youngest is 4 years away from the age I'd feel comfortable putting them thru a divorce -- Children would rather be FROM a broken home, than IN one. Don't kid yourself into thinking that this doesn't affect them on some level. The atmosphere in the home affects children very much. It makes them anxious at best.

 

My wife has alcoholic tendencies. -- I'd be very wary and wondering what goes on when you aren't around. Is this the kind of behavior you want to expose your kids to? Does she drink during the day when she's caring for the children? If she's abusive when she's drinking, I have to wonder if the kids are seeing/experiencing this behavior as well.

 

If she refuses, you go to a lawyer and find out what your options are.

 

You first bolded point is on me. I have told her on occasion that she is hurting me but I am sure in a passive fashion. Her dad was the same way to her mom. Her mom is a saint and just dealt with it for years and years and years. He would lay into her in front of the whole family. I am not going to spend the rest of my life dealing with it.

 

 

Second Bold Point - she is a good mom and keeps them on track in their school and school activities. She also teaches them respect and other core values. I just don't want to upset my kids formative years with discord. I'll just suppress it for their benefit. Sometimes she does get emotionally abusive with them but not too often.

 

 

Third Bolded Point - she usually drinks almost everyday. Sometimes just a glass or two of wine. She is never overtly drunk in front of them.

 

 

I just need to do my time for the next few years if I can hack it.

[VeveCakes]

The age you think is fine with putting your kid through divorce is probably 4 years too late.

 

DO not wait! I have so many friends whose parents waited, and they all have had much much harder times adjusting than the ones whose parents left when they were young, or early teens (like myself).

 

No doubt divorce is hard on the kids. That being said, kids know whats what. They are not dumb. Staying together for the kids and living a lie does more damage long term than living for yourself and happiness ever will.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

The age you think is fine with putting your kid through divorce is probably 4 years too late.

 

DO not wait! I have so many friends whose parents waited, and they all have had much much harder times adjusting than the ones whose parents left when they were young, or early teens (like myself).

 

No doubt divorce is hard on the kids. That being said, kids know whats what. They are not dumb. Staying together for the kids and living a lie does more damage long term than living for yourself and happiness ever will.

 

My kids are 12 and 14. Very vulnerable years. Hate to say it but they are pretty spoiled kids compared to when I was a kid. I wonder what impact it would have if they went from a very comfortable living to not so comfortable. Also tbh, they probably have no idea I am having issues. They really don't see the abuse. They see my wife's actions on occasion but not as much as I do.

[VeveCakes]

My kids are 12 and 14. Very vulnerable years. Hate to say it but they are pretty spoiled kids compared to when I was a kid. I wonder what impact it would have if they went from a very comfortable living to not so comfortable. Also tbh, they probably have no idea I am having issues. They really don't see the abuse. They see my wife's actions on occasion but not as much as I do.

 

Perfect, that was the age I was when my parents divorced. Was it hard? Yes. Was it hell? Yes. But my friends who were 20/19/24 and 25 who had parents divorce are all still having a very hard time coping and they are in their late 20s and 30s. I am sooo happy to this day my parents divorced.

 

Regardless, when you leave your wife when they leave the house, they will put 2 and 2 together. They question their entire life before hand. They will question relationships. They will not trust you or her.

 

Maybe it will be good for your kids to go from having it all to having a bit of a struggle. Will probably do them some good in the long run. Please for the sake of your children, do not stay together for the kids!

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Perfect, that was the age I was when my parents divorced. Was it hard? Yes. Was it hell? Yes. But my friends who were 20/19/24 and 25 who had parents divorce are all still having a very hard time coping and they are in their late 20s and 30s. I am sooo happy to this day my parents divorced.

 

Regardless, when you leave your wife when they leave the house, they will put 2 and 2 together. They question their entire life before hand. They will question relationships. They will not trust you or her.

 

Maybe it will be good for your kids to go from having it all to having a bit of a struggle. Will probably do them some good in the long run. Please for the sake of your children, do not stay together for the kids!

 

Thanks - I just assumed that it would be better to divorce once they were 18 or older. They would be more adjusted, independent and not have to deal with divorce on top of the issues a teen ager does. My brother did that. He left when his youngest was 18. Funny his wife was named Julie and I say to myself my wife is Julie 2.0. Has a lot of the same tendencies my wife has.

 

 

Also, I agree that maybe some hardships will help them in the long run. Like the book says "a skinned knee is not a bad thing for a kid" or something like that.

[VeveCakes]

I'm just speaking from my personal observations. I just think life is also too short to live in misery when you could be starting your new life.

[Gloria25]

The age you think is fine with putting your kid through divorce is probably 4 years too late.

 

DO not wait! I have so many friends whose parents waited, and they all have had much much harder times adjusting than the ones whose parents left when they were young, or early teens (like myself).

 

No doubt divorce is hard on the kids. That being said, kids know whats what. They are not dumb. Staying together for the kids and living a lie does more damage long term than living for yourself and happiness ever will.

 

My favorite podcaster is adamant about making people stay just for the kids - until the kids are 18, up and out. She even says to "pretend" to love each other in front of the kids (like we pretend to like people on our job) so that the kids "think" that the nest/family is solid. I mean, ever see those people upon the kids going to college have a "mid life crises"? Well, it isn't a "mid-life crisis". It's an 'I did my 18 year jail sentence and am now freee!!!!'

 

My fav podcaster, however, believes divorce is necessary where there's the three "A's" (abuse, addictions, affairs). Cuz, kids witnessing a parent who's doing any one of those A's is more than likely to damage the kids. You can't conceal the three A's. And, worse, your kids are gonna resent the parent who sticks around and tolerates the three A's.

 

Coming to her by "begging, pleading, asking" her to do you and the kids right isn't gonna help. You need to come to her with "strength". Please see an attorney and find out what your rights are (don't tell her you're going to see the lawyer) and come to her and be like 'Either you go to rehab, clean up, stop all of this or we're gone and you'll pay child support' and you hand her legal separation papers (or whatever lawyer advises). When you show her "strength" instead of cowering to her abuse - it'll get real for her.

 

And regardless of your kid's age, it's never too late to stop this and protect them.

 

Well wishes...

[nobodyIam]

I dont have nearly enough experience with this sort of things,but I was a child and honestly, if things were that way I'd rather for my parents to separate than seeing any of my parents being abused.

 

What you're teaching your children right now is that if they are bullied,they should feel guilty for it and take it as it is,rather than solving the situation.

 

Kids are great because they heal fast,and whatever happens to them,they will get over it with right support.

 

You are not helping them in any way by remaining in this situation.

 

But I wouldnt advise divorce right away, you should start off by putting your own boundaries and sticking to them. It doesnt mean you need to fight with your wife,but just be overall stronger. And tell her that you cant live this way and it either has to stop, you go to counseling together or the marriage is over.

[Jj66]

I lay in bed Saturday feeling that way. It has happened over the years. I am talking verbal and emotional abuse.

 

 

Backstory: My wife has alcoholic tendencies. She also has a big loud personality and can debate with the best. I am passive, quiet and debating is not my strong suit. I think she has trained me to just be quiet or else it leads to a big argument and her getting her way. She can be explosive and irate at times, usually when drinking.

 

 

So we throw an engagement party for her niece last Saturday. Side story - my wife has this middle child syndrome where she likes to spend money, do nice things for people. I think of it as buying friends. End side story. My wife doesn't work and we occasionally argue over finances. She spent probably close to a $1,000 on this engagement party on food, alcohol, decorations, etc. Her sister did buy some napkins and the cake I believe and made a big to do over it. I didn't say anything lest it lead to a big argument.

 

 

Day of party W is stressed out cleaning, her mother is cleaning, I am a cleaning and organizing. Her sister's family is nowhere to be found. They did help a bit the day before but our house was still in disarray. Party was great and they did extend us a public thank you.

 

 

I head to bed around midnight with her sisters family and mom still at our house. The house was an utter mess. I wake up around 3:30 to the loud noises of my wife cleaning up. I politely call her name and was about to tell her to come to bed before she cut me off and began berating me that she wouldn't be up cleaning if I would have helped her clean. She just screamed at me. I told her not to attack me like that.

 

 

So I go back to bed and was thinking, I just spent $1,000 entertaining her sisters, nieces' friends and fiancé's family, spent time on my day off cleaning and then I get berating for not cleaning up in the middle of the night. It hit me that this is abuse and she's been doing this type of thing for a long time.

 

 

I am just not happy and want to leave. Thing is I don't want to cause any issues for my kids. My youngest is 4 years away from the age I'd feel comfortable putting them thru a divorce.

 

I had all this and more in my marriage. It is abuse. Just like her hitting me in the side of the head with a small.appliance was abuse. My ear rang for a week. I can't count the number of times she hit me or threw wine in my face. I got away from the physical abuse by leaving the marriage.

 

But even 8 years later and divorced the verbal abuse continues. Until my youngest turns 18 there is little I can do about it since I have to interact with her on children's issues.

 

And I hate to break it to you. You are screwed financially. She is a dependent spouse with no job. You will be paying alimony and child support through the nose if you leave and the abuse will continue if you stay.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Jj66

[Jj66]

It cost me over $100,000 to divorce my abusive dependent spouse. That doesn't count the hundreds of thousands of assets she received in property settlement or any of thr money for child support of our children.

 

Why does divorce cost so much? Because it's worth it.

 

Personally, knowing what was involved and how her mental illness was going to affect the children I would have toughed it out and done my best to protect the children in place. My youngest daughter, especially felt that I abandoned her when the truth is her abusive mother would almost never let me see them. I had to go to court for custody just to be able to see my kids. My ex, made it as nasty and expensive as possible. It destroyed me financially and I'm just now starting to recover.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

It cost me over $100,000 to divorce my abusive dependent spouse. That doesn't count the hundreds of thousands of assets she received in property settlement or any of thr money for child support of our children.

 

Why does divorce cost so much? Because it's worth it.

 

Personally, knowing what was involved and how her mental illness was going to affect the children I would have toughed it out and done my best to protect the children in place. My youngest daughter, especially felt that I abandoned her when the truth is her abusive mother would almost never let me see them. I had to go to court for custody just to be able to see my kids. My ex, made it as nasty and expensive as possible. It destroyed me financially and I'm just now starting to recover.

 

 

Thanks. I don't have any physical abuse. Just mental and emotional. I have come to realize the only time I enjoy being around her is when she is in a good mood and friendly. It is such a relief when she is, it makes me think she's loveable. I will do anything to put her in a good mood.

 

 

The emotional abuse is bad that at the end of the day, I have gotten yelled at for wanting to go up to bed and not stay down with her having a drink.

 

So how long do you have to pay alimony? I am at the point I really don't care about the financial impact as long as I have enough to live on. I make a good living.

[Jj66]

Thanks. I don't have any physical abuse. Just mental and emotional. I have come to realize the only time I enjoy being around her is when she is in a good mood and friendly. It is such a relief when she is, it makes me think she's loveable. I will do anything to put her in a good mood.

 

 

The emotional abuse is bad that at the end of the day, I have gotten yelled at for wanting to go up to bed and not stay down with her having a drink.

 

So how long do you have to pay alimony? I am at the point I really don't care about the financial impact as long as I have enough to live on. I make a good living.

 

 

You should talk to a divorce lawyer in your area. They will tell you what to expect and what records to keep. They will almost certainly tell you to keep a journal of her abuses. It will carry tremendous weight with the judgr when it comes he said she said time.

 

Hopefully yours is not as mentally ill as mine. It was impossible to negotiate with her because her only self interest was what caused me the most pain.

[mikeylo]

Your kids are old enough to know what's happening even if they are not saying it. It's impacting them to the extent that they too will go into relationships where they are treated the same way. You will do a favor to them by leaving,not staying.

[kmpisces]

I would suggest a couple things.

 

1. Address your wife's alcoholism. See if she will get help for it.

 

2. Be honest with her about how hurt she makes you feel. Try going to counseling together. There is hope for your marriage.

 

3. Do not stay in an unhappy marriage for your child. This can do more harm in the long run.