irynatu Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 Hoping for some help making sense of this. I’vebeen hanging out with a guy I met on OkCupid for two months now. We’ve gone on a couple real dates but the vast majority have been hanging out at each other’s places. We text frequently and I just get good vibes from him in general. I thought all was going well until I noticed he was active on OkCupid. Not wanting to wonder, this prompted me to ask him where we stand. He said he likes me but isn’t ready for a serious relationship right now. He specifically pointed out that he likes me, and not only hooking up. He still wants to hang out. I guess I’m having trouble reconciling all of this. What do you guys think? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Hoping for some help making sense of this. I’vebeen hanging out with a guy I met on OkCupid for two months now. We’ve gone ona couple real dates but the vast majority have been hanging out at each other’splaces. We text frequently and I just get good vibes from him in general. Ithought all was going well until I noticed he was active on OkCupid. Notwanting to wonder, this prompted me to ask him where we stand. He said he likesme and likes hanging out with me but isn’t ready for a serious relationshipright now. He specifically pointed out that he likes me, and not only hookingup. He still wants to hang out. I guess I’m having troublereconciling all of this. What do you guysthink? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] isn’t ready for a serious relationshipright now -- If you want something serious right now, I'd advise looking for that elsewhere. You two aren't on the same dating goals page . . . (I am assuming you are looking for a relationship). If you are happy with casual/sexual relationship, then he's your guy. It appears that he is at least giving you exclusivity, at least on the surface -- likes me, and not only hookingup. We’ve gone ona couple real dates but the vast majority have been hanging out at each other’splaces. -- Once you start hanging out most of the time so early, that's all it's gonna, likely, be. If you stick with this and are hoping for more, then you are stringing yourself along.
VeveCakes Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 He doesn't want a serious relationship. He wants casual. Believe when he tells you this. 2
Jj66 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 When someone shows you who they are, believe them. It's up to you to decide if that's enough. It sounds like it's not. Otherwise you wouldn't be posting this question. You can't change someone else; you either have to accept it or move on. 3
Author irynatu Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 Have you guys been physically intimate? Yes we have.
mikeylo Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 He said he isn't ready for a serious relationship. What's the question again ? 1
Author irynatu Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 He said he isn't ready for a serious relationship. What's the question again ? I suppose my question is if there is potential for that to change? In my experience, when this is said there is not. But I don't usually receive this line accompanied by someone stressing that they do have feelings for me multiple times.
smackie9 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 It's his nice way of saying, you are ok to hookup with once in awhile, just like the other girls I hookup with...... And no nothing is going to change. Whatever he tells you about "feelings" it's only to keep you on the hook. You got played. 3
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 I suppose my question is if there is potential for that to change? In my experience, when this is said there is not. But I don't usually receive this line accompanied by someone stressing that they do have feelings for me multiple times. accompanied by someone stressing that they do have feelings for me multiple times -- he does have feelings for you -- sexual ones. You're stringing yourself along . . . 3
Sara1989 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 Apart from two dates, majority of your dates have been inside...why? have you ever tried get him go on an outside date with you?
Author irynatu Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 (edited) Apart from two dates, majority of your dates have been inside...why? have you ever tried get him go on an outside date with you? We have but I think it's more a mutual interest thing. Edited January 16, 2017 by irynatu
kidm Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 You've been on a couple of real dates which I assume was at the beginning. He isn't exerting any more energy because he is not looking for anything serious. At least he's not pretending. Netflix and chill gets to the bed quicker which is his main goal. He's still on OKcupid so you should assume he is actively looking for other women to at the very least put in the acquaintance with benefits category too. If you want more, bid him adieu. You cannot sex anyone into a serious relationship. If you're OK with the arrangement, then carry on. 1
winny Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 I suppose my question is if there is potential for that to change? In my experience, when this is said there is not. But I don't usually receive this line accompanied by someone stressing that they do have feelings for me multiple times. Well, anything can happen. I have had guys who turned me down come back to me much later. But if someone is so clearly telling u something, listen. If u want to be casual then continue. If not then... Dump him. This waiting game where you think he will change and one day see how amazing u r and fall for u is least likely to happen if u keep having sex with him.
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 We have but I think it's more a mutual interest thing. So, you're both couch potatoes??? You want more or you wouldn't be doing all this wondering and spinning things. It sounds more like you're just doing what he wants to do so that he "thinks" you're just like him. Kinda like a woman who hates camping, but really likes a guy and pretends she likes camping too. At some point, however, she gets sick of pretending and becomes resentful. If you want more than you're getting, go find it somewhere else.
Author irynatu Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 (edited) So, you're both couch potatoes??? You want more or you wouldn't be doing all this wondering and spinning things. It sounds more like you're just doing what he wants to do so that he "thinks" you're just like him. Kinda like a woman who hates camping, but really likes a guy and pretends she likes camping too. At some point, however, she gets sick of pretending and becomes resentful. If you want more than you're getting, go find it somewhere else. This is an inaccurate interpretation.I meant that when we do go out it’s because we both would have wanted to do that activity anyway. As opposed to being woo-ed over dinner and that kind of thing. Also, to the poster above the dates happened later on, not at the beginning. Edited January 16, 2017 by irynatu Formatting glitch
preraph Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 Listen, a WHOLE LOT of guys would be perfectly happy calling you their friend while having sex with you and other women. Women dream of marriage and monogamy. A lot of guys dream of having a remuda. Look it up.
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 This is an inaccurate interpretation.I meant that when we do go out it’s because we both would have wanted to do that activity anyway. As opposed to being woo-ed over dinner and that kind of thing. Also, to the poster above the dates happened later on, not at the beginning. You're both lazy daters . . . he's lazy for not taking you out at least more often and showing sincere interest and you're lazy for not expecting more for yourself in terms of how a man treats you. A man who is serious about a relationship with a woman, at least early, on dates her that way. That being said, he knows he doesn't want a relationship so you're just making it easy for him. I get that going out is expensive and so after a time, you might stay in more. But there are other ways to spend time together. The bottom line is you want more from him and you're not going to get it so don't string yourself along. 3
Miss Spider Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 I got out of situation like this fall of last year. OkCupid, said he had feelings, few :cool:dates hanging out at his house kissing/fooling around, couple dates out later, yet still active on the site with no shame. The only difference is I didn't sex with him yet. I asked him first to see where it was going. You can tell a lot by that response. He gave me the "I like you a lot, but I'm not going jump into a relationship." " "...down the road" lines and that mixed with the gut feeling told me all I need to know. I was the "right now" girl. Guy's still on the site, tells you he's not wanting a serious relationship(Which the not ready/looking for a serious relationship is even a bigger red flag than what my guy told me. Did he elaborate at all? ? ). He's still playing the field = he's just not that into you. Could that change in the future? Possibly.. but not probably. In my experience, women are more capable of the "grown on you" thing than guys. In the beginning he's all caught up in the infatuation..chances are even lower with that and the 'chase' feelings are faded or gone. I would not bank on this guy. Matter of fact, if you've caught feelings, start pulling back now now. I'm consigning with the consensus.. string long. It's not what you wanna hear when you like someone. I certainly didn't want to hear it But it hurts worse later hanging on to false hope. When he finds someone he's crazy about he will want a serious relationship with her and he'll fade, ghost, or excuse it by telling you he wasn't looking for anything serious from the start. But for now he will give you little bread crumbs like "I'm not seeing anyone" (he means there's no one in front of his eyes right this instant)"I like you" "I have feelings"(he means the ones in his pants) "Can't you wait? I never said I wouldn't be interested in that down the road..." And future false promises. He can say things this ambiguous to keep you on the hook and he's not lying, really. The bottom line is he doesn't like you or have enough feelings for you to want anything more than the Netflix and chill and occasional travel outside. He wants the NSA sex and companionship without the commitment. He's playing around. Was going to ask if this was the same guy but reading enough here and on Reddit it's really not uncommon for guys on OLD to operate this way. And why wouldn't they? It works. 1
kidm Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 This is an inaccurate interpretation.I meant that when we do go out it’s because we both would have wanted to do that activity anyway. As opposed to being woo-ed over dinner and that kind of thing. Also, to the poster above the dates happened later on, not at the beginning. Well a leopard doesn't change his spots. Sounds like he has been pretty consistent with his level of interest (low)- no proper dates in the onset. At this point, it's your decision to make if you're satisfied with a casual sex relationship. Online dating is filled with a lot of these types. They keep you hooked with sweet nothings ("you're a great girl/guy, I enjoy spending time with you and I'm developing feelings for you BUT I'm not ready for anything serious...."). You have to decide what you're willing to accept. The chances he's going to have an epiphany that you're one he wants to have a serious relationship are probably slim to none. 1
Jj66 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 I was a player for a full year, dating many women over that time with occasional one night stand. Then I met someone on Tinder. I was considering it.would be another short fling. She was actually older than me, was an educated professional and I fell for her very quickly after swearing off love so much that I had told my best friend to.blow my brains out if I ever said the L word again.. After I met her, I broke it off.immediately with a woman I had an open relationship.with. There was never any overlapping sex. I didn't want to be with anyone else. Within a.couple of weeks I suggested we deactivate our Tinder profiles. She reluctantly agreed and told.me she thought I was a player. I asked her why she was with me then. She said she was having fun and as long as we are having fun I want to stay in it. I asked her why she thought I was a player. What was her definition? She said their were two types. The type that dates lots of women simultaneously. And the type that dated one and then moved on when he got bored. I asked what type am I? She said the type gets bored and moves on. I never confirmed or denied it. 6 months later she told me she had been wrong about me being a player. I told her no she wasn't wrong. I was a player but for some reason I decided not to play you and then I fell in love.. I was totally into her. I disabled my Tinder after a week and a half but saved our messages first. Then after she agreed I completely deleted my account and the app. This is what a guy who is totally into you will do. Even a confirmed anti-love player will dump everyone else and stop looking for better options.. My gf is not perfect but I went all in. If I lose my chips I will rebuild but I had to try to win this hand. 2
winny Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 Then I met someone on Tinder. I was considering it.would be another short fling. She was actually older than me, was an educated professional and I fell for her very quickly after swearing off love so much that I had told my best friend to.blow my brains out if I ever said the L word again.. Ha ha ha that was funny
winny Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 This is what a guy who is totally into you will do. I don't know if every guy will act this way but one thing is for sure, you will not feel the need to question or doubt his behavior. And we do need more posts with the guy's point of view because many women including me have put up with so much crumbs in the past that we don't even know how it actually is when a guy is into you. And I am serious... ha ha ha 1
Jj66 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 I don't know if every guy will act this way but one thing is for sure, you will not feel the need to question or doubt his behavior. And we do need more posts with the guy's point of view because many women including me have put up with so much crumbs in the past that we don't even know how it actually is when a guy is into you. And I am serious... ha ha ha Yes that's the essence. A confident man will not leave you in doubt about where he stands if he's into you. An unconfident man might leave you in doubt even he totally digs you. He will express his interest relative to what he perceives yours is. He cares TOO much what you think and not enough about what he thinks. I think I came on a little too strong in the beginning with my gf but nothing fatal. She seems to get closer and then pull away periodically. But when she pulled away I did not chase. I gave her space. and I did not run away back to my playing ways. It was steady as she goes. She knew where I stood no matter where she was at the time. She's currently in one of those pulling back a bit phases she goes through but that's for another thread. 1
Gloria25 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 I was a player for a full year, dating many women over that time with occasional one night stand. Then I met someone on Tinder. I was considering it.would be another short fling. She was actually older than me, was an educated professional and I fell for her very quickly after swearing off love so much that I had told my best friend to.blow my brains out if I ever said the L word again.. After I met her, I broke it off.immediately with a woman I had an open relationship.with. There was never any overlapping sex. I didn't want to be with anyone else. Within a.couple of weeks I suggested we deactivate our Tinder profiles. She reluctantly agreed and told.me she thought I was a player. I asked her why she was with me then. She said she was having fun and as long as we are having fun I want to stay in it. I asked her why she thought I was a player. What was her definition? She said their were two types. The type that dates lots of women simultaneously. And the type that dated one and then moved on when he got bored. I asked what type am I? She said the type gets bored and moves on. I never confirmed or denied it. 6 months later she told me she had been wrong about me being a player. I told her no she wasn't wrong. I was a player but for some reason I decided not to play you and then I fell in love.. I was totally into her. I disabled my Tinder after a week and a half but saved our messages first. Then after she agreed I completely deleted my account and the app. This is what a guy who is totally into you will do. Even a confirmed anti-love player will dump everyone else and stop looking for better options.. My gf is not perfect but I went all in. If I lose my chips I will rebuild but I had to try to win this hand. Thank you... ^^ When a guy is into you, there's no ambiguity. You're not left interpreting a thing. I finally realized that this weekend. If dude was into me, he would at least at some point pick up a telephone to call or text me. Be thankful this guy was upfront about wanting something casual. The recent dude I dealt with wouldn't say what he wanted dating wise (i.e. something casual, something long term, a 2nd marriage and/or more kids).
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