Versacehottie Posted January 18, 2017 Posted January 18, 2017 Thank you. No I understand what you are saying. I don't blame anyone, just got a bit annoyed. I got defensive because I was looking for a reason to stay with him. Also some of the things I said were taken out of context or not believed which annoyed me. But you're right people can think what they want... The thing is. Being how I am, it can make dating very difficult. Us INFJs can get pretty 'intense' at times and when we meet someone we really like we tend to zone in on that person and give them so much of our energy. We feel so much that it can be painful. My feelings often manifest in a very physical ways. We are 'perpetually giving' in a way that can hurt us. So to avoid past mistakes and getting hurt or scaring people off with our 'intensity' we may need to 'close up' a bit. Even if it doesn't reflect our REAL feelings. This comes off as insecure and not genuine to other people. Ok, I hear you. And importantly you understand yourself with the first sentence I bolded of your post. Perhaps if you can see some of the advice that you were given from the others as WAYS to make dating easier for you, then you would be more receptive toward it. For example, I think your guy is most likely a jerk but since you can only control yourself, what I saw as an outsider who has a neutral position on your situation and actually wants people to be happy and find love is that you are not being clear in your communication (with him). I know it doesn't matter with this guy anymore. I actually approach relationships quite differently and think "you can take down your account when you are ready" is quite the perfect answer---big caveat, if you mean it or are strong enough that you can play that game. But you didn't feel that way at all and this was coming on the tail end of a convo where you said you wouldn't date a guy who was still on there. So again going back to how you are making dating difficult for you: here's the tip, next time don't assume what he means by that. You don't need to tell him to take it off or anything overly serious, just ask him to explain further or "what do you mean by that". It's that simple. Understanding where others are coming from and how they process information without thinking in absolutes will do you a world of good & it will help you develop your communication skills the more you practice it. I promise it will help your anxiety go down if you feel you can actually speak UP. I would agree that it comes off as not genuine--probably because it wasn't. You want to keep dating him provided he didn't have an active account, he wasn't giving you an assurance or an agreement to take it down, you felt he should yet you didn't stand your ground about that--which is not genuine and true to yourself. Try to put less emphasis on INFJ's, it's a whole lot of extra thinking that is confusing the situations for you. Stick to the facts and stating your feelings. Same goes for trusting psychic stuff or intuition--don't RAISE it's importance without getting the basics going in your corner first. I would say ever because it's going to keep cutting you off from other people if you THINK you can determine what is going on. Just ask them--that allows you to make a connection & bond with them. And you may be wrong some of the time and miss a chance with a good person or a good situation. Anyway, you want to find ways to MAXIMIZE things IN SPITE of your situation. Not throw it out as an excuse or a reason. Good luck 1
Author Nyx001 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Posted January 18, 2017 Haha ok. You're right. You didn't take my words out of context AT ALL. I'm the one that wrote them and knew what I meant. I was the one that was there and who is in this situation. Not you. But sure ok You can gave your little sense of satisfaction if that means so much to you. Take care hun. Good for you - the more you'll listen to your instinct, the less anxious you'll become, so really win all round! Yeah. He said he has no 'hard feelings' and that he's 'ready' for a relationship but we got our wires crossed a bit and the communication was 'difficult'. Other than being somewhat quiet at times and unsure in the beginning I think I communicated pretty clearly to him what I wanted. But whatever. Some people need to be talking constantly to feel at ease. I don't.
Miss Spider Posted January 18, 2017 Posted January 18, 2017 Wait so you said have a nice one? Then he just said "no hard feelings" I don't understand how the 'breakup' went down and am curious. Are you guys still talking/friends? I understand if you're disinclined to say.
Miss Spider Posted January 18, 2017 Posted January 18, 2017 Anyway, I am glad you did whatever you needed to for yourself and your own well-being. When two people are right for each other, or will just 'fit" and there won't be so much unease. Best of luck.
Author Nyx001 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Posted January 18, 2017 (edited) Wait so you said have a nice one? Then he just said "no hard feelings" I don't understand how the 'breakup' went down and am curious. Are you guys still talking/friends? I understand if you're disinclined to say. I think we are just remaining civil, but I have no plans of being friends with him. I also have no plans to jump into dating again. Gotta deal with my own stuff. Hahaaha speaking of 'poor communication' all of a sudden he's telling me things he was 'worried' about such as him moving potentially an hour away and if I would still want to see him. Said it was 'weighing on his mind' Haha riight. If he really cared he would have talked to me about it and asked how I felt. And people saying he was just not that into me... Well true. He pretty much confirmed this by saying the emotional aspect of a relationship takes time for him but once it takes a hold that person is the only person and 'they know it'. I guess that is also perhaps confirming I wasn't the only one? I know he wouldn't admit it though. He was in the least still searching. All this after getting on my case about not knowing how I feel? Yup he was SOOOOOO concerned with making sure I really liked him and trying to have me prove that and questioning me about what I was doing but expected me to let him 'take his time'. Edited January 18, 2017 by Nyx001
Author Nyx001 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Posted January 19, 2017 (edited) And as far as people saying I was being insincere or whatever... I think what you just don't realize is that everything I did WAS me. Totally me. I have two very different aspects of myself that are almost constantly fighting. I do what I know makes the most sense at that time (logically) even if it's not how I may truly FEEL deep inside. But those feelings eventually come out. This may come off as wishy washy but it's just that those sides of myself are so strong in themselves. I don't think most people have this struggle as much as people like me. Not to say I'm 'special' or anything but I just see things in different ways it appears. Edited January 19, 2017 by Nyx001
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 19, 2017 Posted January 19, 2017 Yeah. He said he has no 'hard feelings' and that he's 'ready' for a relationship but we got our wires crossed a bit and the communication was 'difficult'. Other than being somewhat quiet at times and unsure in the beginning I think I communicated pretty clearly to him what I wanted. But whatever. Some people need to be talking constantly to feel at ease. I don't. You and I both. FWIW, I think he knew exactly what you meant with the whole profile thing but chose to misinterpret it either because he wasn't all that invested or because he constantly needs to be told what to do. Either way, there'll be a better match than this guy for you somewhere regardless of the INFJ/Aspie thing .
Author Nyx001 Posted January 20, 2017 Author Posted January 20, 2017 You and I both. FWIW, I think he knew exactly what you meant with the whole profile thing but chose to misinterpret it either because he wasn't all that invested or because he constantly needs to be told what to do. Either way, there'll be a better match than this guy for you somewhere regardless of the INFJ/Aspie thing . I think he plays by his own rules. Which are "I DO say what I mean but I change the meaning at will". LOL He was texting me today playing more head games. I told him I wasn't interested in being friends and he said he didn't understand why I was 'so mad' at him. So I told him why. In the nicest, most civil, manner possible. That I was completely upfront with him about what I wanted and expected if I were to be seeing him on a regular basis and he acted like he was the same way. That I told him what I thought about the whole pof thing. He told me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted from me and then played the "I need time" card when he realized I was getting attached. That I was practically pulling my hair out trying to prove to him that I meant it when I said I liked him (because he said he wasn't sure if I did) meanwhile he wasn't even that into me. He said he was 'shocked' and 'hurt' that I could think those things of him. That he wanted a relationship but just needed more time to get to know me. I told him if he wants a relationship pretending to be on the same page as someone and saying one thing and doing the opposite isn't the way to go about it.
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