To confess or not?

[Nyx001]

Ok this is a TAD complicated but I'll try my best to explain thing. Please try to leave assumptions at the door. Anything you may assume, believe me, I've already thought about it.

 

I've been seeing this guy for about a month and a half. We were both up front about what we wanted. I generally DO NOT connect with people but with him it was like sparks instantly (and we didn't even meet in a dating scenario). We are very much alike (but not so alike that it's boring). Anyway I honestly like him for him and I've been feeling myself falling for him. And like I said I don't really connect with people.

 

He's got an pof account which he showed me and we've talked about it briefly. During our second (or third?) date he told me he would take it down if I asked him. I told him that it should be when he was ready. I didn't check to see if he was going on at all (not for a few weeks. But more on that later).

 

I have some anxiety issues and was starting to feel it after a handful of dates. One night I was feeling especially anxious. When I get that way I close up. I didn't want to bring up my anxiety (because it's very personal and lots of people don't understand) but I joked a bit about his account. He said "Do you really think I'm still on there?" Then five days later I felt something was off. I told a friend and she said she had seen him online. I checked and he had been on that day. I freaked out a little and asked him about it. He said it was because I was acting distant and he didn't know where he stood with me. Said he had hidden it but put it back up like the day before. Yeah it's true I was distant but I still wasn't impressed and told him he should have talked to me. Yes we were (still are) brand new but I don't like that he did that so easily. But either way a seed of doubt was planted. But because things were so new I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt... He ended up hiding it again after a few days.

 

Fast forward two weeks. Last night I texted him him something cute and funny. He didn't respond. A few hours later I had a terrible feeling so I looked... and he was online. I have a panic attack and kind of went off on him over text. Bad idea I KNOW. But if you don't know what a panic attack is like, you can't talk. I told him my friend had seen him online (because she has an account).

 

He told me he was 'testing' me to see if I was checking up on him. That he can't stand that. Ok now I know you may say that is an excuse and he's trying to derail the fact that he got caught. Well when I have a strong feeling about something I've always been right. But my first instinct wasn't that he was deflecting. I may sound naive but yeah... So even though I reamed him out and told him I don't appreciate being tested I still decided to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. Yeah I know. I may be wrong to do that. Anyway I don't need anyone to tell me. He said we need to talk in person and who knows how that will go. Maybe I'll decide I'm tired of feeling this anxious and just break things off.

 

So my issue is this... Do I confess that I looked for him online and lied about it being a friend? He absolutely hates liars and I generally don't lie but I just knew (in my gut) he would be mad at me checking up on him (even though he never told me he hates that before). I mean it wasn't a plot to spy then say it was a friend. But I would have never done it if he hadn't given me a reason to doubt him. I feel really really bad about lying. It's eating away at me. He's told me before he wants someone who can be totally honest with him. But at the same time I don't want him to get mad at me for lying in the first place... I also don't want him to get mad that I DID check up on him. He's said before he absolutely hates being lied to but he also absolutely hates being 'monitored'.

 

Even if I do confess what if it just makes things worse? And please no "What could get worse? This guy is an *insert derogatory term here*". I've already been told I should drop him. I can make that decision on my own thanks. I'm not looking for any of those comments.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Nyx001

[kassy]

I cant say I like the sound of this guy for you. He's playing games, which ones opinions could vary.

 

In my dating (especially early on) I tend to go with: is it fun, am i attracted to him, does it seem mutual, do I trust him and does he make me feel secure in the relationship to a level appropriate for the stage of our relationship.

 

If any of those doesn't ring true I evaluate why, is it me, does something need to change, do we need to have a discussion or is it just not a good fit.

 

Just something to think about, what are your feelings and views on what makes a good relationship for you?

 

Anyway, to your question. It's going to be a crap conversation. Either you lie, which doesn't sit well with you. Or you tell the truth and I think he will make it not about his actions but yours.

 

I'd go with lie, but only if forced to choose. Otherwise I'd go with move on.

[Lilyana76]

This relationship sounds like it is headed nowhere fast.

 

If you already can't trust him and see him using his online dating app still, he's not as into you as you think. Hes searching for someone else.

 

My ex husband used to go on dating apps all the time during our marriage, he would tell me he used it for attention, and he liked being flirted with. But, come to find out he was hooking up with them. If a man is telling you he is on there to test to see if you were checking up on him, thats bulls*it, hes gaslighting you. He's on there because hes still hunting.

 

Why tell him the truth at this point? You already don't trust him, and there is already doubt in the relationship, cut him loose and join the dating app yourself. Find someone who will not be searching for more behind your back.

[Jj66]

You're both a piece of work.

 

He probably wants to talk to you in person so he can break up with you.

[PegNosePete]

He told me he was 'testing' me to see if I was checking up on him. That he can't stand that. Ok now I know you may say that is an excuse and he's trying to derail the fact that he got caught.

That is an excuse and he's trying to derail the fact that he got caught.

 

If you believe his story then I have a bridge to sell you. Come on, wake up. He is playing you like a cheap fiddle.

 

This guy is an *insert derogatory term here*". I've already been told I should drop him.

Yes, he is full of it. You should drop him. Otherwise he'll just keep on lying to you and you'll get more hurt.

[Gaeta]

I've been seeing this guy for about a month and a half. We were both up front about what we wanted. I generally DO NOT connect with people but with him it was like sparks instantly (and we didn't even meet in a dating scenario). We are very much alike (but not so alike that it's boring). Anyway I honestly like him for him and I've been feeling myself falling for him. And like I said I don't really connect with people.

 

He's got an pof account which he showed me and we've talked about it briefly. During our second (or third?) date he told me he would take it down if I asked him. I told him that it should be when he was ready. I didn't check to see if he was going on at all (not for a few weeks. But more on that later).

 

I have some anxiety issues and was starting to feel it after a handful of dates. One night I was feeling especially anxious. When I get that way I close up. I didn't want to bring up my anxiety (because it's very personal and lots of people don't understand) but I joked a bit about his account. He said "Do you really think I'm still on there?" Then five days later I felt something was off. I told a friend and she said she had seen him online. I checked and he had been on that day. I freaked out a little and asked him about it. He said it was because I was acting distant and he didn't know where he stood with me. Said he had hidden it but put it back up like the day before. Yeah it's true I was distant but I still wasn't impressed and told him he should have talked to me. Yes we were (still are) brand new but I don't like that he did that so easily. But either way a seed of doubt was planted. But because things were so new I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt... He ended up hiding it again after a few days.

 

Fast forward two weeks. Last night I texted him him something cute and funny. He didn't respond. A few hours later I had a terrible feeling so I looked... and he was online. I have a panic attack and kind of went off on him over text. Bad idea I KNOW. But if you don't know what a panic attack is like, you can't talk. I told him my friend had seen him online (because she has an account).

 

He told me he was 'testing' me to see if I was checking up on him.

 

As I see it, no you were not upfront with him about what you're looking for. As you are suffering from anxiety what you truly want is to date someone that will not provoke anxiety attack in you by being online while you're dating. You need someone that is ready to concentrate on you only after 2-3 dates and to disappear from online. You were not honest, I think you tried to play the cool girl by telling him he can take his profile down when he wishes. In the future you have to respect who you are and request what you need.

 

As for him he's a player. He's a game player and a liar. He's the last person you need with your anxiety. Dump him. Someone without anxiety would dump him in a heartbeat, you need to dump him even more.

[IfonlyIknew]

There is nothing to confess. He sounds like a jerk and a serial dater.

[Simple Logic]

You should put your own personal on POF. When he calls you raising hell about it, tell him you were just testing him and he flunked.

[Versacehottie]

sorry some of the details were too much--overthinking at it's best. I don't think you need to confess. I am still stuck on the part where you told him it was ok that he stayed on there and could remove his account when he was ready. I guess he's not ready. Simplify it for yourself. If you feel he should be ready, and want to continue with him, say so. Leave out the "i checked and you are still on there". Unnecessary. What do you want?

 

Also the other major part of the equation is that while you are not 100% sure, it's most likely that he is lying to you about why the account was active that day, right? We all know that and he's pretty good with the fibs himself & turning it around on you so that you are cowering about not wanting to be a liar yourself & fess up to monitoring him. If you were checking to get information, you got it and should be able to make your decision accordingly. He's still using the account and it makes you unhappy & surprised & feeling betrayed. I'd be very disturbed with his ease of lying and that would be the no-go for me. You are giving him all your power by now being worried that you've crossed a line. I'd leave the part of who was checking on who, lies and confessions out of your decision-making about this one. Boil the problem down to its core. See, even in problems you learn about someone. You learned this guy isn't as invested as you thought, probably lying to you AND turns problems around on you & lies to get out of situations. Confessing to him that you checked up on him is the least of your problems and you'd be wise not to ignore that part of this whole debacle.

[winny]

He is manipulative. And using your insecurities to play with you.

You need to stay away from him.

[Miss Peach]

I had something very similar happen here that I posted about. I got the feeling something was off after BF had his profile disabled for a month and found him back on there. I took a different approach and he confessed it and told me right away he was happy to take it down. If he hadn't have done that I would have dumped him.

[smackie9]

My first instinct is he is a manipulator....anyone that says "I was testing you" is sick in the head. You should stay away far far away from him.

[kendahke]

he told me he would take it down if I asked him. I told him that it should be when he was ready.

 

It would appear he's not ready to take it down.

 

If both of your policies are that you take down profiles once you two have declared for one another, then you both needed to take them down, not keep them up under the ruse of checking up on each other. That's too much game playing.

 

I would tell him and end it, block him and move on. Once he finds out you lied, why would he stick around? If he did, you'd be in for months of punishment and reprimand, so what's the point? If you don't tell him, that's lying by omission, which is still a lie.

 

Here's my issue: if right is so on your side, why are you afraid of his reaction? You're supposed to be in the right here. You should fear nothing.

[preraph]

Okay. He wants YOU to be totally honest with him (so he knows what you're up to), but HE isn't being totally honest with you, so pffffttt on him.

[mightycpa]

This is totally your fault. Let me explain why:

 

1) He asked you if you wanted him to take his profile down. You had three choices:

 

a) Yes

b) No

c) Do it when you want to do it

 

So, that was a lukewarm response. It expressed an indifference to his offer, which was him testing your interest. "Wow, really? That would be nice, but you don't have to. I'd love it if you did." would have been much more positive. But maybe you weren't ready for that. OK.

 

2) Later on, you find out his profile is active. I take it you don't want it to be active. Given your earlier reaction, you should have simply said, "Hey, are you still willing to take down that POF profile for me?" Instead, you joked about it, again giving him the signal that it was still ok with you. What would you expect him to do? Take it down for you? Get real! If it wasn't already up, I'd have put back up then. Why not?

 

3) A week later, your friend confirms that he did what I expected he would. This time, again, you "ask him about it" rather than tell him what you really want. Now you're starting to become a real PITA, because you haven't been straightforward. Even I'm getting annoyed with you, and I don't care! I can't imagine he's taking you seriously at this point.

 

4) Next, you stalk him online because he didn't respond to your text right away, and your very next text is straight out of wacko-world, only one week after you were joking about it. You're giving him the BENEFIT of the doubt? NO. You're sowing the SEEDS OF DOUBT, because you won't come right out and say what you mean, and you've done a 180 in one week.

 

No, don't confess your stalker-like ways. Go confess your desires. Open up, and tell him what you really want and why you've been acting so weird. Maybe he'll still be agreeable, although now, he's gotten a taste of what life with you is like.

 

Then if he disappoints you, you'll have a leg to stand on.

[Simple Logic]

This is totally your fault. Let me explain why:

 

1) He asked you if you wanted him to take his profile down. You had three choices:

 

a) Yes

b) No

c) Do it when you want to do it

 

So, that was a lukewarm response. It expressed an indifference to his offer, which was him testing your interest. "Wow, really? That would be nice, but you don't have to. I'd love it if you did." would have been much more positive. But maybe you weren't ready for that. OK.

 

2) Later on, you find out his profile is active. I take it you don't want it to be active. Given your earlier reaction, you should have simply said, "Hey, are you still willing to take down that POF profile for me?" Instead, you joked about it, again giving him the signal that it was still ok with you. What would you expect him to do? Take it down for you? Get real! If it wasn't already up, I'd have put back up then. Why not?

 

3) A week later, your friend confirms that he did what I expected he would. This time, again, you "ask him about it" rather than tell him what you really want. Now you're starting to become a real PITA, because you haven't been straightforward. Even I'm getting annoyed with you, and I don't care! I can't imagine he's taking you seriously at this point.

 

4) Next, you stalk him online because he didn't respond to your text right away, and your very next text is straight out of wacko-world, only one week after you were joking about it. You're giving him the BENEFIT of the doubt? NO. You're sowing the SEEDS OF DOUBT, because you won't come right out and say what you mean, and you've done a 180 in one week.

 

No, don't confess your stalker-like ways. Go confess your desires. Open up, and tell him what you really want and why you've been acting so weird. Maybe he'll still be agreeable, although now, he's gotten a taste of what life with you is like.

 

Then if he disappoints you, you'll have a leg to stand on.

 

Let me translate for you. When a women tells you to do something when you want, she means do it relatively soon.

[LivingDeadGrl]

What assumptions do you want us to leave at the door?

 

If you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, perhaps a guy that lies and is off and on a dating site behind your back isn't the right fit for you.

 

He wasn't on POF to "test" you. He's on it to find other girls. If you get these "feelings" then deep down you know this is true. Why are you allowing this guy to stress you out and give you anxiety?

 

The relationship (if you want to even call it that) is way too new to have so many issues and these issues in particular should be a deal breaker for anyone, in any stage of a relationship.

 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them... and no, don't confess anything. He doesn't deserve even an ounce of your time let alone the truth.

[introverted1]

This is totally your fault. Let me explain why:

 

1) He asked you if you wanted him to take his profile down. You had three choices:

 

a) Yes

b) No

c) Do it when you want to do it

 

So, that was a lukewarm response. It expressed an indifference to his offer, which was him testing your interest. "Wow, really? That would be nice, but you don't have to. I'd love it if you did." would have been much more positive. But maybe you weren't ready for that. OK.

 

2) Later on, you find out his profile is active. I take it you don't want it to be active. Given your earlier reaction, you should have simply said, "Hey, are you still willing to take down that POF profile for me?" Instead, you joked about it, again giving him the signal that it was still ok with you. What would you expect him to do? Take it down for you? Get real! If it wasn't already up, I'd have put back up then. Why not?

 

3) A week later, your friend confirms that he did what I expected he would. This time, again, you "ask him about it" rather than tell him what you really want. Now you're starting to become a real PITA, because you haven't been straightforward. Even I'm getting annoyed with you, and I don't care! I can't imagine he's taking you seriously at this point.

 

4) Next, you stalk him online because he didn't respond to your text right away, and your very next text is straight out of wacko-world, only one week after you were joking about it. You're giving him the BENEFIT of the doubt? NO. You're sowing the SEEDS OF DOUBT, because you won't come right out and say what you mean, and you've done a 180 in one week.

 

No, don't confess your stalker-like ways. Go confess your desires. Open up, and tell him what you really want and why you've been acting so weird. Maybe he'll still be agreeable, although now, he's gotten a taste of what life with you is like.

 

Then if he disappoints you, you'll have a leg to stand on.

 

Amen!

 

And, OP, you cannot justify irrational behavior on a panic attack! If your condition is so severe that you cannot observe the norms of social interactions, then you should not date until you get get therapy and/or meds to manage your condition. That said, I don't buy the "panic attack" excuse, as lashing out at others is not a symptom.

[PrettyEmily77]

Your anxiety issues are being triggered because of his actions. You sensed something was off and low and behold, you were right.

 

I do believe you were straightforward with him at first and you only checked the first time around after your friend's tip off, not out of anxiety (incidentally, she seems like a very good friend who has your back), and that's after he gave you the 'do you really think I'm still on there' line, therefore implying he wasn't.

 

Your spidey senses are telling you this guy is bad news. Disregard the 'sparks' - they are more than likely manufactured by this controlling, manipulative liar.

 

You didn't snoop on him - I'm assuming this PoF thing allows members to see all profiles that are online anyway, right? So it's not like you had to crack a code to get into his profile or whatever - so it's not about 'confessing' anything.

 

You can however tell him straight up that you know he's still online, that you thought twice about it and that you don't think he's the guy for you after all so good luck going forward. I don't think he will mind too much, in all honesty.

[Nyx001]

This is totally your fault. Let me explain why:

 

1) He asked you if you wanted him to take his profile down. You had three choices:

 

a) Yes

b) No

c) Do it when you want to do it

 

So, that was a lukewarm response. It expressed an indifference to his offer, which was him testing your interest. "Wow, really? That would be nice, but you don't have to. I'd love it if you did." would have been much more positive. But maybe you weren't ready for that. OK.

 

2) Later on, you find out his profile is active. I take it you don't want it to be active. Given your earlier reaction, you should have simply said, "Hey, are you still willing to take down that POF profile for me?" Instead, you joked about it, again giving him the signal that it was still ok with you. What would you expect him to do? Take it down for you? Get real! If it wasn't already up, I'd have put back up then. Why not?

 

3) A week later, your friend confirms that he did what I expected he would. This time, again, you "ask him about it" rather than tell him what you really want. Now you're starting to become a real PITA, because you haven't been straightforward. Even I'm getting annoyed with you, and I don't care! I can't imagine he's taking you seriously at this point.

 

4) Next, you stalk him online because he didn't respond to your text right away, and your very next text is straight out of wacko-world, only one week after you were joking about it. You're giving him the BENEFIT of the doubt? NO. You're sowing the SEEDS OF DOUBT, because you won't come right out and say what you mean, and you've done a 180 in one week.

 

No, don't confess your stalker-like ways. Go confess your desires. Open up, and tell him what you really want and why you've been acting so weird. Maybe he'll still be agreeable, although now, he's gotten a taste of what life with you is like.

 

 

 

Then if he disappoints you, you'll have a leg to stand on.

 

 

This is ridiculous. You obviously didn't read post properly. How was I supposed to respond after a few dates? I wasn't stalking him. I said I didn't even look at it for WEEKS. I had some anxiety and joked about it but I didn't look to see if he was online until AFTER my friend told me she saw him (and btw that night I was getting an odd feeling). That only upset me because he acted like he had taken it down (without me asking him to do it) while I didn't even expect him to until we knew each other for a while longer. Most guys I've dated have been from meeting online and most of the time I wouldn't even ask about their profiles unless it was months in and something was off. We had both talked about how we are in dating and said we like to focus on one person at a time if we really feel they are a potential long term partner. He told me he did it because I was distant. Also I'm hard to read (very true) and he had no idea where he stood with me. He was right but I was still upset that he didn't talk to me first. The issue never felt quite resolved to me. He said we should talk in person but we were both very busy over the holidays (and our work schedules conflict a bit) so we didn't have a ton of time to meet up and talk. So when I did see him I just wanted it to be a good time. He said he hid it after our first few dates but I honestly have NO IDEA if he did because I WAS NOT LOOKING.

 

A while after the first incident and I had time to think I DID tell him that if we were going to continue on, I wasn't ok with the pof thing. I think I WAS being a bit overzealous when I first reacted to him going back on. But I only reacted that way because I was upset that he did that instead of talking to me about whatever issue he thought there was. Though I also know how hard it can be to bring stuff up especially when things are brand new. You want to have fun and don't exactly want to ruin the moment. The last girl he dated screwed around on him so maybe he felt it was better to keep looking around until he had a better idea of where we were. He told me he generally has a good sense of where he stands and what someone feels for him almost right away in when dating but he just couldn't get that sense with me. I don't think that is bs because I have Aspergers so I am very hard to read. Also my own anxiety could be clouding other things.

 

I looked a few times just to see and he hid it again. I wouldn't have checked AT ALL had my friend not seen him AFTER he acted like he took it down. NO I didn't go and check because he didn't respond to a text right away! It was hours. Then I suddenly got this feeling. I thought "I bet he's going back on there". I get these intense gut feelings sometimes and I am ALWAYS right. I know that sounds kind of nuts but it's true. I just know things sometimes (like when people get in accidents before anyone even knows). So I checked. He profile wasn't there but I refreshed the page and there it was. He was online at that very instant. So was literally bringing it back up the right when I got the feeling that he was.

 

One thing I didn't say is that after he brought it back the first time I thought about it and almost a week later I decided I was getting too attached and I didn't know exactly what was going on with us so I made an account (with no photos. And the info was all a joke) just to chat to people to take my mind off him a bit. I only talked to a couple people (who messaged me because I'm funny) and didn't even flirt. The second they'd ask me out or to meet up I told them I was kind of seeing someone. A few days later I saw him. BTW I hadn't seen him all week because he had a close friend visiting that he hadn't seen in years (he moved here recently and only has a few friends close by. And that's still an hour away) So he was busy showing him around. Then he invited me over on his day off and I met his friend plus another one of his best friends. We had a great night so I hid it. We talked a tad about the pof thing in person but couldn't get too involved because his friend was there. I was hoping to talk to him a bit more. But I've taken it down fully now. But anyway well I had it up I did browse a little. Not because I was interested in meeting anyone (I'm not. I really have very little interest in most people. I'm bordering asexual. Maybe demisexual) but because it can be funny to look every now and then. See who in my town is on there. I would have seen him there eventually. Also a few of my friends are on there so they would have seen him too. I JUST SO happened to catch him at the exact right time. And YES I did tell him about the account. I told him after I saw him on there again. I was going to tell him regardless of whether or not I saw him but I wanted us to talk it person and with everything that just wasn't happening yet. I know people say "Oh I'm busy" but no BELIEVE ME we've BOTH been busy. He's been very busy.

[mightycpa]

Your anxiety issues are being triggered because of his actions. You sensed something was off and low and behold, you were right.

 

I do believe you were straightforward with him at first and you only checked the first time around after your friend's tip off, not out of anxiety (incidentally, she seems like a very good friend who has your back), and that's after he gave you the 'do you really think I'm still on there' line, therefore implying he wasn't.

I must be dense. Where, in this:

 

He's got an pof account which he showed me and we've talked about it briefly. During our second (or third?) date he told me he would take it down if I asked him. I told him that it should be when he was ready. I didn't check to see if he was going on at all (not for a few weeks. But more on that later).

do you see that she had a care in the world whether he had a profile or not?

[PrettyEmily77]

I must be dense. Where

 

There (in bold, for your convenience).

 

I have some anxiety issues and was starting to feel it after a handful of dates. One night I was feeling especially anxious. When I get that way I close up. I didn't want to bring up my anxiety (because it's very personal and lots of people don't understand) but I joked a bit about his account. He said "Do you really think I'm still on there?" Then five days later I felt something was off. I told a friend and she said she had seen him online. I checked and he had been on that day. I freaked out a little and asked him about it. He said it was because I was acting distant and he didn't know where he stood with me. Said he had hidden it but put it back up like the day before.

 

He lied, then she cared. You're welcome.

[mightycpa]

This is ridiculous. You obviously didn't read post properly. How was I supposed to respond after a few dates? I wasn't stalking him. I said I didn't even look at it for WEEKS. I had some anxiety and joked about it but I didn't look to see if he was online until AFTER my friend told me she saw him (and btw that night I was getting an odd feeling). That only upset me because he acted like he had taken it down (without me asking him to do it) while I didn't even expect him to until we knew each other for a while longer. Most guys I've dated have been from meeting online and most of the time I wouldn't even ask about their profiles unless it was months in and something was off. We had both talked about how we are in dating and said we like to focus on one person at a time if we really feel they are a potential long term partner. He told me he did it because I was distant. Also I'm hard to read (very true) and he had no idea where he stood with me. He was right but I was still upset that he didn't talk to me first. The issue never felt quite resolved to me. He said we should talk in person but we were both very busy over the holidays (and our work schedules conflict a bit) so we didn't have a ton of time to meet up and talk. So when I did see him I just wanted it to be a good time. He said he hid it after our first few dates but I honestly have NO IDEA if he did because I WAS NOT LOOKING.

 

A while after the first incident and I had time to think I DID tell him that if we were going to continue on, I wasn't ok with the pof thing. I think I WAS being a bit overzealous when I first reacted to him going back on. But I only reacted that way because I was upset that he did that instead of talking to me about whatever issue he thought there was. Though I also know how hard it can be to bring stuff up especially when things are brand new. You want to have fun and don't exactly want to ruin the moment. The last girl he dated screwed around on him so maybe he felt it was better to keep looking around until he had a better idea of where we were. He told me he generally has a good sense of where he stands and what someone feels for him almost right away in when dating but he just couldn't get that sense with me. I don't think that is bs because I have Aspergers so I am very hard to read. Also my own anxiety could be clouding other things.

 

I looked a few times just to see and he hid it again. I wouldn't have checked AT ALL had my friend not seen him AFTER he acted like he took it down. NO I didn't go and check because he didn't respond to a text right away! It was hours. Then I suddenly got this feeling. I thought "I bet he's going back on there". I get these intense gut feelings sometimes and I am ALWAYS right. I know that sounds kind of nuts but it's true. I just know things sometimes (like when people get in accidents before anyone even knows). So I checked. He profile wasn't there but I refreshed the page and there it was. He was online at that very instant. So was literally bringing it back up the right when I got the feeling that he was.

 

One thing I didn't say is that after he brought it back the first time I thought about it and almost a week later I decided I was getting too attached and I didn't know exactly what was going on with us so I made an account (with no photos. And the info was all a joke) just to chat to people to take my mind off him a bit. I only talked to a couple people (who messaged me because I'm funny) and didn't even flirt. The second they'd ask me out or to meet up I told them I was kind of seeing someone. A few days later I saw him. BTW I hadn't seen him all week because he had a close friend visiting that he hadn't seen in years (he moved here recently and only has a few friends close by. And that's still an hour away) So he was busy showing him around. Then he invited me over on his day off and I met his friend plus another one of his best friends. We had a great night so I hid it. We talked a tad about the pof thing in person but couldn't get too involved because his friend was there. I was hoping to talk to him a bit more. But I've taken it down fully now. But anyway well I had it up I did browse a little. Not because I was interested in meeting anyone (I'm not. I really have very little interest in most people. I'm bordering asexual. Maybe demisexual) but because it can be funny to look every now and then. See who in my town is on there. I would have seen him there eventually. Also a few of my friends are on there so they would have seen him too. I JUST SO happened to catch him at the exact right time. And YES I did tell him about the account. I told him after I saw him on there again. I was going to tell him regardless of whether or not I saw him but I wanted us to talk it person and with everything that just wasn't happening yet. I know people say "Oh I'm busy" but no BELIEVE ME we've BOTH been busy. He's been very busy.

From my point of view, it doesn't matter whether you were looking, or checking up on him or not. Nor do your intentions, really. All that really matters is that so far, you've pretended not to care one way or the other. At least, not until you blew up his phone with your over-reaction.

 

You should have had no reaction. If you don't care, then you don't care. That's fine. Just walk the talk, and stop bringing it up. In every encounter since the first one, notice that he never asked you about it again, because he already got his answer from you. But everytime after that, YOU brought it up. YOU have the issue. YOU are the one who is the source of all this drama. YOU are the one here asking if you should confess.

 

If you don't want the drama, do what he does. Don't bring it up, no matter what you know, or what your friends tell you, or what you happen to stumble upon. If you do bring it up, then be nice about it, and be clear, because right now, at best, you are inconsistent by which I really mean insincere. It's pretty simple, really. Here, let me show you:

 

How was I supposed to respond after a few dates?

Asked and answered. See my explanation #2, reprinted for your convenience:

 

Hey, are you still willing to take down that POF profile for me?

maybe you could add something like

because it feels like that's where we are with each other. I don't want you looking for other people to date. I like you.

What's so hard about that?

[Nyx001]

Your anxiety issues are being triggered because of his actions. You sensed something was off and low and behold, you were right.

 

I do believe you were straightforward with him at first and you only checked the first time around after your friend's tip off, not out of anxiety (incidentally, she seems like a very good friend who has your back), and that's after he gave you the 'do you really think I'm still on there' line, therefore implying he wasn't.

 

Your spidey senses are telling you this guy is bad news. Disregard the 'sparks' - they are more than likely manufactured by this controlling, manipulative liar.

 

You didn't snoop on him - I'm assuming this PoF thing allows members to see all profiles that are online anyway, right? So it's not like you had to crack a code to get into his profile or whatever - so it's not about 'confessing' anything.

 

You can however tell him straight up that you know he's still online, that you thought twice about it and that you don't think he's the guy for you after all so good luck going forward. I don't think he will mind too much, in all honesty.

 

 

Well TBH a while ago my doctor put me on medication for sleep and I have been tapering off it. I have some withdrawals which includes more intense anxiety. So it's just kind of there.

 

I guess I'm just upset that I lied to him. At first I told him "Hey my friend saw you online". He said he didn't like being monitored and I replied "You aren't. I said my friend saw you." So if I confess he'll be like "You purposely lied after I caught you". Not just that but I started it with a lie.

 

But the thing is when I am actually WITH him. I don't feel any anxiety at all. It feels... natural. Like I've known him for my whole life. I feel calm. I never feel that way with most people. Even my family. Best friends. I always feel off.

 

And the thing is I generally do follow my gut and I am always right. I am not happy about him going on there but my gut isn't tell me he's a cheater or anything. This is what is making it so difficult. Because what I feel and what people say are different. And they all say I'm making excuses.

 

He told me yesterday that he can't read me and finds it very difficult to know where he stands with me while he generally has no issues with that in his previous dating experiences. He is totally right. I don't put off the same vibes as other people. But I'm what they call an INFJ and I tend to feel things fairly intensively. I also have Aspergers which makes it an odd combination. I've told him I really like him but those are just words. We did get physically involved fairly fast (after a few dates). I do not sleep around (I don't even date around. I mean I have gone out on dates with different people before but that was very casual and once I decided I liked one of them I only saw them. INFJ's tend to pick one person and focus our attention on them. I know it can cause more hurt but we are like hardwired that way). He said we need to discuss this all in person but for now he just wants us to get to know each other better with no sex or anything. I think I was getting too attached too fast and he probably sensed that.

 

I have doubts but because he's been right about a few things and things are brand new (and we haven't really spend that much time together lately with us being so busy) I am not quite ready yet to give up. I mean I'm not type that will stay with some jerk for years (a few months max) but I also really like to give what I personally feel is a fair try. Instead of just going off what outsiders say. I have no issues with ending thing on my own terms. People act like I'm naive and can't stand up for myself but that isn't true at all.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Nyx001

[mightycpa]

There (in bold, for your convenience).

 

One night I was feeling especially anxious. When I get that way I close up. I didn't want to bring up my anxiety (because it's very personal and lots of people don't understand) but I joked a bit about his account. He said "Do you really think I'm still on there?" Then five days later I felt something was off. I told a friend and she said she had seen him online. I checked and he had been on that day. I freaked out a little and asked him about it.

 

He lied, then she cared. You're welcome.

I'm not convinced he lied, but let's stipulate that he did. Now show me the part where she let him know that she cared. I'm not sure that "I asked him about it" counts. I have no idea what that really means, whether or not she told him she was freaking out or upset or whatever. It sounds to me like she just kept joking about it, so he didn't take her seriously.

 

I don't think she was ever straight up with him, but I can't really tell. I think you're filling in the blanks, not allowing for the possibility that she hasn't been.