Can I fix this potentially toxic relationship

[bubblegum1234]

he said i 'think' it might be better if we go our own way but when i actually said okay i'll leave if that's what you want and we'll cut all ties he changed his mind and told me to stay at his (we didnt sleep together though). when i was ready to leave i asked him where i stand and he refused to reply. he told me he would text me but it's been two days and i've not heard from him yet.

 

i've said to him before if it's over just tell me and i'll accept it but he's always hesitated and not fully gone through with it. i feel he wants to be with me but just cant see me being less insecure - which i prob wont be if he keeps stonewalling me and not telling me he loves me after this whole time.

[ExpatInItaly]

he said i 'think' it might be better if we go our own way but when i actually said okay i'll leave if that's what you want and we'll cut all ties he changed his mind and told me to stay at his (we didnt sleep together though). when i was ready to leave i asked him where i stand and he refused to reply. he told me he would text me but it's been two days and i've not heard from him yet.

 

i've said to him before if it's over just tell me and i'll accept it but he's always hesitated and not fully gone through with it. i feel he wants to be with me but just cant see me being less insecure - which i prob wont be if he keeps stonewalling me and not telling me he loves me after this whole time.

 

If he told you he would get in touch, don't reach out to him.

 

Based on everything else, I still think he is done with this. Maybe he doesn't have the guts to totally end it, but the repeated break-up attempts, the current silence and his previous lack of initiative all indicate he's not into it.

 

I would focus on moving on if I were you, OP.

[stillafool]

If he didn't want to break up he would have said so when you were there and he definitely would have called you by now. The fact that he hasn't told you ever that he loves you is very telling.

[bubblegum1234]

thanks for your advice, im going to mentally prepare for the worst. part me thinks a last ditch attempt to resolve things might be an option as i have nothing left to lose but will only send it tomorrow evening so im not in his face.

[Zahara]

he said i 'think' it might be better if we go our own way but when i actually said okay i'll leave if that's what you want and we'll cut all ties he changed his mind and told me to stay at his (we didnt sleep together though). when i was ready to leave i asked him where i stand and he refused to reply. he told me he would text me but it's been two days and i've not heard from him yet.

 

i've said to him before if it's over just tell me and i'll accept it but he's always hesitated and not fully gone through with it. i feel he wants to be with me but just cant see me being less insecure - which i prob wont be if he keeps stonewalling me and not telling me he loves me after this whole time.

 

I've experienced this before -- it's mostly because they don't have the guts to end it with you. He's likely dangling you on a string because he does want you in his life for self-serving purposes but not in the way that you deserve.

 

Even if you two got back together again, this cycle will repeat itself. He's avoidant and you are anxious. It will never work.

[bubblegum1234]

i received this text from him last night, any thoughts are much appreciated.

 

Hey. I just feel if we scan back through our previous messages you have just recited the same thing you’ve promised to be a number of times. I know you say I need to be better with you coz I know I can be a miserable bastard but I struggle to feel comfortable being myself around you because realistically it can feel slightly fake and forced. Coz I know the times im allowed to go out and be myself and be happy, not worry about who I am for a change and my deep sadness – you come in guns blazing and take me down – this ultimately does not set us up for a nice week ahead whether you want it to be or not.

 

I try my best on nights out to be the person I like (and you should like) but you can be extremely difficult to handle and so during the week yeah I feel a bit pissed off if im being honest, that I’m supposed to be this great happy guy and you’ve forgotten about your behaviour from the weekend.

 

Anyway for what it’s worth that’s how I feel. I’ll come round for dinner on Thursday and hopefully have a nice time.

[RatherNotSay]

I know how it feels. What you are feeling is a kinda of obsession, you're only lingering on something that wasn't there to begin with. Unfortunately, you've placed your happiness in a place where you shouldn't have.

 

After/still going through my break up with my ex, I've realized I forgot how to be "happy" alone. It will be hard, it might take time, but the longer you linger, the harder it will get and the larger the void will be afterwards.

 

Trust me, you don't want someone (whether hes perfect or not) whom you are vulnerable towards and where your feelings go loose.

 

Start cutting off contact completely, don't stay friends, heal, and when the moment comes when you think of him and don't "fall apart" or "feel" something "in-explainable", then only then consider being friends again.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see this ending well, OP.

 

Sure, he's coming over but look at the majority of what he wrote: he's very unhappy and even angry. His true feelings aren't ones of love and affection for you. Basically, he doesn't like the relationship.

 

I really think you two ought to part ways before a really messy ending takes place.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

i received this text from him last night, any thoughts are much appreciated.

 

Hey. I just feel if we scan back through our previous messages you have just recited the same thing you’ve promised to be a number of times. I know you say I need to be better with you coz I know I can be a miserable bastard but I struggle to feel comfortable being myself around you because realistically it can feel slightly fake and forced. Coz I know the times im allowed to go out and be myself and be happy, not worry about who I am for a change and my deep sadness – you come in guns blazing and take me down – this ultimately does not set us up for a nice week ahead whether you want it to be or not.

 

I try my best on nights out to be the person I like (and you should like) but you can be extremely difficult to handle and so during the week yeah I feel a bit pissed off if im being honest, that I’m supposed to be this great happy guy and you’ve forgotten about your behaviour from the weekend.

 

Anyway for what it’s worth that’s how I feel. I’ll come round for dinner on Thursday and hopefully have a nice time.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear the situation you're in, I guess I'm in a slightly similar one.

 

 

You can not change another person, you can only learn to control how you react to that persons behaviour (hope that makes sense).

 

 

It sounds as though you need to be with someone who is a little stronger emotionally than this guy is. You've had a tough time in the past so you need someone who is willing to put you at ease and make you feel comfortable in the relationship.

 

 

It sounds like this is too much effort for your boyfriend.

 

 

Break up's are horrible and I know it's sad not being with someone you love but ultimately ask yourself this question: If you were with the same guy in five years time, and everything remains exactly the way it is now, would you be happy??

[mightycpa]

Get out in front of this train that's coming at you.

 

When he comes by for dinner, prepare a really nice one. Greet him at the door, offer him a beer or whatever, and sit him down in a chair. Tell him that you've been thinking about things and that he's right, probably the best thing that you can do is to end it with each other. Tell him it hurts you, but looking at it objectively, you completely understand and you have some things to wrestle with. Be totally honest, you've got nothing to lose.

 

Then try to have a nice dinner and say goodbye after.

 

I think this will help you with your insecurity and neediness and/or whatever else it is about you. Take charge of this and gain some strength by facing the thing you fear the most. Let it in, control it and spit it out.

 

It's going that way anyway, so why not? I think you'll feel better in the long run.

[niji]

when i was ready to leave i asked him where i stand and he refused to reply.

 

Can you imagine a child asking his mother "Do you love me?", and that she refuses to tell him? Silence says it all.

 

I'm terribly sorry about your dad's passing. I can't imagine one would ever "get over" one's parents passing, especially at your age (you sound young). I'm sure it had a huge impact on you, whether that turned you insecure or not.

 

I think this is the perfect time to take a break from all men for now, stay single, and sort out your issues. You can't be happy if you enter a relationship being this insecure. Seek out a fresh start. It's scary, but also exciting. Maybe move to a different place to live (within the city), and start over. You've got a lot of time ahead.