bubblegum1234 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 my bf and i have been together for year - at the start i was very anxious and took me a while to trust him as i had my ex betrayed me in a horrible way while my dad was dying. we've had our ups and downs but probably argue once a week - usually when drunk and i feel insecure. its been a year and he's never told me he loves me which i think makes me act up. he's tried to split up with me a few times but i've told him i'll change and be less insecure but i cant seem to - i've been going to a therapist with the desperate hope of being able to make myself less demanding/insecure. he said yesterday he thinks it's probably for the best we split up as he sees it becoming toxic. he's pushing me away and says he doesn't love me but cares about me deeply. am i being an idiot for trying to save this? can anyone provide a solution that will allow him space / me not acting insecure when he's not arround? 85% of the relationship is great but 15% is me being worried/insecure/demanding and making him the centre of my world. i feel at a loss, i feel like he will end it this week or give me another week of silence to try and force me to change (which is done twice over the past year). i love him so much but don't know how to fix this relationship.
PegNosePete Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 am i being an idiot for trying to save this? Sorry to say, yes. Well you're not an idiot, but you're emotionally involved which is making you short-sighted and unable to think rationally. The fact is, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change that. It is his right to choose, his decision, and it seems he has made it. You keep talking him out of it, but it always comes back because at the end of the day, that is how he really feels. Sorry there's nothing you can do but to accept his decision. You're just wasting your life trying to save something that is long dead. 1
jorgeg3d Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 Give him some space, let him figure it out. There's only so much you can say to someone who is thinking of ending things. No point in proving yourself to them if they already have their mind made up. 1
Author bubblegum1234 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 i stupidly(?) sent him a text telling him im sorry and can we have a proper chat and try and find a solution - if that doesnt work we can cut all ties. i think in my heart of hearts i know he doesnt want to be with me. i booked us a holiday a couple of weeks ago to go in a few weeks - i would love if he came with me and we gave it one more chance. i feel pathetic and desperate but dont know how i'll be without him. im going to feel so alone as i will also lose a lot of mutual friends that he will get 'custody' of as they were his friends first/i met them through him. im so upset i wish i could be more confident and secure in this relationship.
PegNosePete Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 You'll be fine, don't worry. Yes you will be lonely. It's very common with breakups. You have to be brave and face it. Eventually you'll recover and move on with your life. If he's prepared to have the conversation and give it one more go then great. But don't "force" him into it. You can't force someone to stay with you if they don't want to. If he fully and willingly wants to give it another go then that's great. But you need him to be 100% committed to making it work. If he's just giving it lip service and bending to your will then you're wasting your time and emotion dragging it out even further. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 OP, my experience has been that as long as the insecure, demanding party is not getting any help for their issues, the relationship doesn't get better. So if you are going to actually go to counselling, I would recommend you do so as soon as possible and do so for yourself. Don't do it if you're only trying to save a relationship, because the chances are high that you won't continue without that internal motivation to heal yourself. It sounds like you have a very hard time controlling your insecurity. Can you give some examples of what happened? Fighting once a week is far too much, and I suspect you're projecting your anger at your ex on to your current boyfriend. That isn't fair and it's extremely unhealthy. I know you realize this now, but sometimes this realization comes at a price. Also, if you're more likely to pick fights when you're drunk, well, you need to lay off the booze. The holiday you booked will most likely not happen. Not with him, anyway. And yes, it will be a lonely time but it does get better. As Pete says, you absolutely should not try to force him into talking or coming back. If this has already happened twice before, then it's probably over. It's clearly not working between you two. Step back now and give him space. If he wants to talk, he knows how to reach you. 1
mightycpa Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 See, I was going to suggest that she go to her counseling session a little drunk, and maybe the real issue that she's angry about will come out. 1
Author bubblegum1234 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 over the last few months i've noticed he's been distancing himself and making no effort - i dont feel special or loved so my insecurity is getting worse. he said he really wanted it to work but it's just not but he cares about me deeply. i feel like i keep him to myself quite a lot but i think that if i let him go he would drift further apart. my confidence is very low just now and i feel very fragile. i have also just moved into a new home in a big city (london) with all strangers. i wish he would make a couple of tiny changes like texting me to invite me over to his or out for dinner - its very one sided as its always me suggesting things. we do see each other a lot though and enjoy each other's company but these bust ups keep happening as he doesnt like talking through problems so they end up building up or coming out when we are drunk. we also have nearly 200 mutual friends on facebook so 'no contact' will be very difficult. im in tears at my desk i love this guy so much and dont want to lose him but dont know what to suggest to him.
stillafool Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 he said yesterday he thinks it's probably for the best we split up as he sees it becoming toxic. he's pushing me away and says he doesn't love me but cares about me deeply. The above is why it is over. You are feeling insecure because he has never told you he loves you. He has confirmed that he isn't in love with you but cares about you. Yes it is time to give it up and move on. Your anxiety stems from you wanting something you knew in your heart wasn't there - his love. You will be okay but it's time to move on and find a man who can love you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 He was probably distancing himself from you because he was emotionally already checking out of the relationship. If he wasn't inviting you over or on dates, it's a huge indication that his interest was fading for a while before this. You don't have to worry about letting him go - he's already let you go. I think you will have to accept that this has come to its end. For him to tell you he doesn't love you is a strong statement. I doubt it was easy for him to actually say so, but it's significant. I realize this is all very painful. But it sounds like this wasn't a happy or healthy relationship anymore. There have too many arguments and near break-ups already. Would you really want to go back to a guy who was barely lukewarm recently and actually told you he doesn't love you? I think you will need to work on you for a while. I know what it's like to be alone in a new city - heck, I changed continents! It's not easy, especially when you lose what you feel like was your only support in your area. But my break-up in my new country taught me that I needed to build a life for myself, apart from my ex. I made an effort to get out and meet new people, strengthen friendships I had with colleagues, really explore my new surroundings, and so on. You will need to do the same..but you can do it! 1
Zahara Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 i wish he would make a couple of tiny changes like texting me to invite me over to his or out for dinner - its very one sided as its always me suggesting things. we do see each other a lot though and enjoy each other's company but these bust ups keep happening as he doesnt like talking through problems so they end up building up or coming out when we are drunk. we also have nearly 200 mutual friends on facebook so 'no contact' will be very difficult. im in tears at my desk i love this guy so much and dont want to lose him but dont know what to suggest to him. I'm sorry, OP but this relationship is on it's way out. He's detached from you emotionally and it doesn't look like it can be turned around. He is with you out of obligation and possibly guilt. The more you cling, the more he will distance. Anxious/avoidant attachment -- and the best thing you can do is let him go. You mentioned you have emotional issues and alcohol added into the mix, there is no way for you to fix this, until you fix yourself. There's a saying, "You can't give from an empty cup." Until you work on you, you'll keep gravitating to situations that only feed your insecurities. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 my bf and i have been together for year - at the start i was very anxious and took me a while to trust him as i had my ex betrayed me in a horrible way while my dad was dying. we've had our ups and downs but probably argue once a week - usually when drunk and i feel insecure. its been a year and he's never told me he loves me which i think makes me act up. he's tried to split up with me a few times but i've told him i'll change and be less insecure but i cant seem to - i've been going to a therapist with the desperate hope of being able to make myself less demanding/insecure. he said yesterday he thinks it's probably for the best we split up as he sees it becoming toxic. he's pushing me away and says he doesn't love me but cares about me deeply. am i being an idiot for trying to save this? can anyone provide a solution that will allow him space / me not acting insecure when he's not arround? 85% of the relationship is great but 15% is me being worried/insecure/demanding and making him the centre of my world. i feel at a loss, i feel like he will end it this week or give me another week of silence to try and force me to change (which is done twice over the past year). i love him so much but don't know how to fix this relationship. Frankly, I'd have dumped him for not being supportive when your Dad died. 85% of the relationship is great but 15% is me being worried/insecure/demanding and making him the centre of my world. -- Never give more than you are getting from a relationship. It needs to be balanced. Can I fix this potentially toxic relationship? -- You need to "fix" yourself before you can have the ability to fix a relationship. says he doesn't love me but cares about me deeply. -- If he doesn't love you by now, it ain't gonna happen. give me another week of silence to try and force me to change (which is done twice over the past year). - This has happened twice in a year? This is not a POTENTIALLY toxic relationship -- it's already a toxic relationship. Relationships, IMO, are not like baseball -- to me one big strike and you'rrrre out! He didn't support you when you went through a crisis. That would have been enough for me to end it. Technically, there have been three strikes already anyway. YOU need to end it and move on. That will be the first sign that you are changing and for the better . . . 1
Author bubblegum1234 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 OP, It sounds like you have a very hard time controlling your insecurity. Can you give some examples of what happened? the example at the weekend was when we were doing our seperate things and i told him i would text him later on in the evening and we could meet up with our groups of friends. he text me at 8pm saying he was going out with his flatmate and he would text me tomorrow. i ended up bumping into him at a bar near my house so instantly felt hurt he was with a big group of people, dancing with a girl (who was someone he knew at uni but who i had never seen before so was instantly upset) as a) he was dancing with a girl who was a stranger to me and b) he couldve text me to invite me along too as i was nearby and that was the plan. basically it just cements the fact he wasnt bothered about seeing me. 1
Author bubblegum1234 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 Frankly, I'd have dumped him for not being supportive when your Dad died. [. it was my ex who cheated on me several times when my dad was dying - not my current boyfriend. i moved very quickly with current BF (1 month) after finding out my ex cheated which i think has had a negative impact at the start of this relationship - i 100% trust him but just feel like he's not that into it anymore - he wants to be but just cant forget the build up of arguments. i've explained to him doing something so simple like a cuddle or telling me i'm just being silly would make the world of difference but he refuses to. i go see a therapist after our first massive fight in september to try and work on things - i asked him yesterday to come along but it was a flat 'no.' 1
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 the example at the weekend was when we were doing our seperate things and i told him i would text him later on in the evening and we could meet up with our groups of friends. he text me at 8pm saying he was going out with his flatmate and he would text me tomorrow. i ended up bumping into him at a bar near my house so instantly felt hurt he was with a big group of people, dancing with a girl (who was someone he knew at uni but who i had never seen before so was instantly upset) as a) he was dancing with a girl who was a stranger to me and b) he couldve text me to invite me along too as i was nearby and that was the plan. basically it just cements the fact he wasnt bothered about seeing me. Ok, new information . . . the guy just doesn't care. Keep moving. If he reaches out to you, you tell him you've moved on. Do not reach out to him now or at all.
Author bubblegum1234 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 Ok, new information . . . the guy just doesn't care. Keep moving. If he reaches out to you, you tell him you've moved on. Do not reach out to him now or at all. in his point of view he said he was innocently dancing with this girl (which tbf he was - i just got insecure) and apparently someone had mentioned that they thought i would be coming along to the same bar anyway so he half expected to see me and that's why he didnt text. i can see it from his point, i just think im expecting too much of him i know deep down it's over, i will just miss him so much as he ticks all the boxes for me.
Simple Logic Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 my bf and i have been together for year - at the start i was very anxious and took me a while to trust him as i had my ex betrayed me in a horrible way while my dad was dying. we've had our ups and downs but probably argue once a week - usually when drunk and i feel insecure. its been a year and he's never told me he loves me which i think makes me act up. he's tried to split up with me a few times but i've told him i'll change and be less insecure but i cant seem to - i've been going to a therapist with the desperate hope of being able to make myself less demanding/insecure. he said yesterday he thinks it's probably for the best we split up as he sees it becoming toxic. he's pushing me away and says he doesn't love me but cares about me deeply. am i being an idiot for trying to save this? can anyone provide a solution that will allow him space / me not acting insecure when he's not arround? 85% of the relationship is great but 15% is me being worried/insecure/demanding and making him the centre of my world. i feel at a loss, i feel like he will end it this week or give me another week of silence to try and force me to change (which is done twice over the past year). i love him so much but don't know how to fix this relationship. There is no way you are arguing every week and 85% of your relationship is good. The negative feelings one has after an arguement don't disipate 10 minutes after the arguement ended.
Zahara Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 OP, I read your other thread. Based on everything you posted, it would be time for you to accept that this is over and focus on yourself. You can keep with the questions - why, how, when, if -- but based on your last thread and by the looks of this one -- this isn't just about your relationship being toxic. No amount of therapy will work if you keep feeding the hole inside you with unhealthy relationships, alcohol, pills, etc. You left one cheating boyfriend and jumped on this guy within a month. He doesn't tick all your boxes. He fills a void in you. Don't confuse healthy love with co-dependency/anxious attachment. This relationship is over. He does not want to be with you. It is going to hurt to let him go. But this is the push that you need to start working on yourself. And this time, stay away from dating and jumping to a new guy. The best relationship is the one you build with yourself. Stay on that path. 2
Author bubblegum1234 Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 thanks everyone for your kind and helpful advice - i know some posters can be quite brutal but you have all been firm but fair. the post above especially resonates with me, i think i need to become happy myself. i dont know if i have anxious attachment because of the death of my dad 18 months ago as i used to be so much more independent and confident in relationships. i am now reduced to a fragile anxious wreck for the last few months of this one (not all the time but higher than what would be considered healthy). 1
KatZee Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 the example at the weekend was when we were doing our seperate things and i told him i would text him later on in the evening and we could meet up with our groups of friends. he text me at 8pm saying he was going out with his flatmate and he would text me tomorrow. i ended up bumping into him at a bar near my house so instantly felt hurt he was with a big group of people, dancing with a girl (who was someone he knew at uni but who i had never seen before so was instantly upset) as a) he was dancing with a girl who was a stranger to me and b) he couldve text me to invite me along too as i was nearby and that was the plan. basically it just cements the fact he wasnt bothered about seeing me. This relationship is dead, no use kicking it further. My ex did the same thing when we were still together but it was obviously on the way out. We had talked one afternoon and he didn't invite me out or over his place, which was normal behavior. I figured he was just keeping things lowkey and not doing anything. A friend of his texted me later that evening telling me that she felt awkward being out with him with me not there, and said that they were all hanging out that evening. Not only did he not care to invite me, it was clear he didn't want to be around me, didn't want to see me, and needed to be away from me. This guy is doing everything humanly possible to show you he is 110% checked out. It sucks, and it hurts but you need to accept it and move on.
spiderowl Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 I am sorry to hear the way things are. Yes, it is pointless trying to save this relationship because he has said he wants out. If you try to keep him, he will resist that and it is more likely to drive him away. If you tell him to go, he might have to think hard about what he is losing. But never try to keep a guy who does not want to be in a relationship. It is not possible and you are only hurting yourself. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you and can't bear to be away from you. Dump this guy, build yourself up again and clear your head for when that guy comes along.
Offspring Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) i dont know if i have anxious attachment because of the death of my dad 18 months ago as i used to be so much more independent and confident in relationships. i am now reduced to a fragile anxious wreck for the last few months . God, you sound so much like me. I have been an insecure and irrational mess over the past month. I lost my sister to a sudden death eleven years ago, and I still relive the loss, which makes me anxious. I think the death of your dad might be fueling some of your anxiety and worry about abandonment, therefore it is time to work on yourself and your fear of abandonment, just like I am. In the last few weeks of my dating experience, I remember thinking to myself that I (perhaps) needed to work on myself, which would have required me to be single (my opinion), so, in a way, people like us are forced to work on ourselves to avoid scenarios like we have found ourselves in recently. I implore you to see the anxiety as a separate issue to your relationship... Just turn your thinking around and look at it as you working on yourself, rather than breaking up out of a relationship. I also don't think he was the guy for you. I healthy, mature guy would understand your predicament and perhaps offer you a small amount of reassurance. Be aware though, that giving constant reassurance to somebody can be draining. One thing that helped me was realising that I need to value myself more, so that when I am in a relationship, and they don't contact me, I view it as them missing out as well, rather than me being abandoned. I hope that makes sense... All the best to you Edited January 17, 2017 by Offspring
Author bubblegum1234 Posted January 17, 2017 Author Posted January 17, 2017 what should i do - i'm tempted to text him this afternoon to see if he wants to meet tonight to talk. is this too soon? or should i wait til thursday and see if he wants to meet then? im supposed to be going on a trip away for his dad's wedding at the weekend so want to know where i stand. help
Nadine123 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 You need to understand that the more you text him and nag the more he pushes away. Just dissapear. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 what should i do - i'm tempted to text him this afternoon to see if he wants to meet tonight to talk. is this too soon? or should i wait til thursday and see if he wants to meet then? im supposed to be going on a trip away for his dad's wedding at the weekend so want to know where i stand. help He's already told you, no? I'm not sure what more there is to talk about. He's already said it's better to go your own ways, unless I misinterpreted something.
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