Homer J Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 How do you slow yourself down when you are a planner? At my job I work on things 3 months, 6 months, even further out. You have to set goals to meet the target date. I'm finding this mentality has carried over into all aspects of my life. That is not saying that I meet a girl and think, in month X this will happen, month Y this will. But I do set goals for myself. I want her to know she is going to be treated safely, I'm not playing with her emotions, etc. My girlfriend has had some rough relationships. She has become a strong independent woman because of these. Last weekend she told me I was telling her she was pretty to often and it made her uncomfortable. So I haven't done that maybe once or twice all week. With the both of our kids schedules we do not get to see each other very often, so most of discussions are thru texting with a phone call sprinkled in. Friday night I told her that I would encourage her to chase her dreams, and she was uber happy about that. Yesterday after noon I booked hotel rooms for a vacation in July since it's around the holiday (no money down just reserving the room). She was happy with the idea of going on vacation and seeing some new things with me. Last night I sent her a relationship goals for guys meme that I thought was really good and would help her see I want to be a safe partner for her. Well...that was to much. I got a message this morning saying why can't I enjoy the moment, she doesn't want goals, she doesn't know what she wants for lunch, let alone 6 months or more down the road. She said we have good chemistry, etc. etc. It wasn't a "I do not want to see you anymore" text. She told me what she needed so that is a good thing. So I have thought on this all day so far. I plan on doing some on line research too. There is part of me that can see that the goals were something I should just keep to myself. The proving I'm a safe partner will come in time. There is another part of me that says, that's not that much different from the encouraging her to chase her dreams, that she was happy about so what happened? Did I really do anything wrong, or is this just her self protection mode kicking in, and just be patient and it will be fine. I did a lot of reading when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I know the things I didn't do and say with her, so I know I'm hyper aware of those things. I am not planning on moving in, getting married, etc. etc. From what she is telling me I know I need to slow things down. I just don't know how to do it. Do I reread every text 2-3 times to make sure there is nothing commitment related in it? I'd really appreciate input. Thanks everyone.
preraph Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 I don't think it's because she never wants commitment. I think it's because your excessive planning and rigid goals seems very controlling. It's hard to be with someone when you know they will have trouble functioning or dealing with anything "not in the plan." And life NEVER goes by the plan. Just wait until you have kids. I think some behavior therapy might benefit you, just to let go some. I'm a planner too, but I don't expect anyone to stay on MY schedule.
Author Homer J Posted January 15, 2017 Author Posted January 15, 2017 I agree absolutely. Kids will not be an issue besides what we already have. I have 3 she has 2. I do not plan as in I'm doing this with you next week, etc. I plan on goals for myself though. If I don't know where I want to get to, how will I ever get there? Maybe I didn't explain that very well.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 (edited) What exactly were these goals? And had you discussed going on vacation together prior to you booking the room? I have a dear friend who sounds similar to you. While I certainly appreciate her ability to organize and plan, sometimes I feel suffocated by her desire to nail out details months in advance. She also often compliments me, which is nice, but it does get to be a little much because it almost feels like she's doing so because she is insecure and wants to hear the same from me in return (we are both women, to be clear!) Although of course the dynamic between friends and romantic partners is different, the underlying issue appears to be similar. How long have you been together? Edited January 15, 2017 by ExpatInItaly
Popsicle Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 I think she's unsure how interested she is in you still so all those goals scared her. It's not a good sign. Most people who are truly interested would be EXCITED about vacation plans and looking forward to it, and also have enough common sense to know that hotel rooms booked out in July can still be canceled. 2
Popsicle Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 There is part of me that can see that the goals were something I should just keep to myself. With her, yes, but not with every woman. The proving I'm a safe partner will come in time. Just be prepared for the possibility of never being able to prove yourself to her. There are some people who NOBODY can prove themselves to them. They are just too damaged.
scooby-philly Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 Listen OP, You sound a lot like me. A lot of my job is about planning, next day, next week, next month, etc. And in our personal lives, there's nothing wrong - whatsoever, with planning. Planners are not bad people. And it's actually a great trait to have. But....a lot of people "over plan" as a way to avoid certain feeling - relationship anxieties, fear of judgment or failure, a lack of praise and support as a kid, etc. (and combos thereof) Sometimes, you have to learn to keep plans to yourself. And...sometimes you to stop and realize plans will always change. Honestly, I enjoy planning as a way to learn things - but even then I realize in me it comes from a lack of praise as a child and fear or rejection/abandonment so I've learned some techniques to keep it at bay. Additionally, some of what you shared sounds like you have a bit of a savior complex. You can't just change someone who's got their own issues over night. It's great that you want to provide her with a safe environment - but you aren't her parents either - so don't always just focus on her. If you have been used to being the "nice guy" and/or a "giver" or "caretaker" - it's hard to learn how little you really need to do to make someone normal feel safe, loved, and supportive. So - keep yourself in a check a bit. Doesn't mean you have to change - just ease off a little. 1
strawberryshortstack Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 I think she's unsure how interested she is in you still so all those goals scared her. It's not a good sign. Most people who are truly interested would be EXCITED about vacation plans and looking forward to it, and also have enough common sense to know that hotel rooms booked out in July can still be canceled. I think that depends on how long they've been seeing each other. I'm 5 months into a relationship, and I would be thrilled to go on vacation with my guy at this point. But at one month in? I'd probably be a little concerned about how fast he was moving.
BrokenBranches Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 I was in a relationship where my ex-gf was a heavy planner and i was near opposite. It took me a while to recognize that it bugged me. I remember times where it would be like monday and before i know it, she makes a plan for wed, friday after work and the weekend. Being someone that doesn't like to commit to every plan, all the time, it stressed me out. I like to see how i feel about whatever it is, a bit before the plans are. Of course this isn't every time, it totally depends on what kind of activity and all that, but in general. Maybe the most important thing, is how you react to plans falling through. My ex would get stressed and annoyed at even the smallest plan not working out. I think that played a big part in not wanting to commit to plans because then i might just be saying "yes" for her sake, but then what if i can't or really don't want to? I cancel and piss her off or I go when i don't feel like it. Again, all this varies. ex: Obviously not cool to cancel on a vacation a week before the date lol.So check yourself and ask her how you react to this kind of thing to see if it's an issue. Now there has to be compromise. Part of why my ex did those things was because it's just her personality, but also she's came to me really upset, feeling that i don't put in enough effort and if she didn't make plans we wouldn't do anything. My response was that i'd make a stronger effort. OH but also: i of course did plans stuff. Maybe i'd plan stuff a couple days before or that day, but with her planning stuff a week before, i rarely got the chance to actually plan stuff! Because they schedule was made already! talk to her. have a trial period of toning it down. See how it works. planning makes you happy. not always planning makes her happy. try and meet in the middle. you can make it work. kind of related: she was also a starter. she'd plan something or get an idea for a project, etc and just start it. But then she'd get distracted and put it off. Where i came in is, I def was not a starter, but i was a finisher! See how that works?
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 In your last thread you said you met her 'recently'. How long have you been dating? If you started dating only a few weeks ago than this is too much too soon. You don't make plans for 6 months down the road with a woman you started dating 6 weeks ago. You need to let things unfold naturally. You are also too heavy on the compliments for a new relationship, like someone mentioned you sound like someone who wants to save her. It's not your role to heal her from her past relationship. If you don't tone down she will be gone.
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