Not in a good place

[B33F24]

Hey I'm going through a similar situation so I very much feel your pain. I would not talk to her about this. Give her space. She's reaching out to you because she probably misses you and your support. This does not equate to her wanting you back. Your best chance is to give her space, way more space. It's only been 2 weeks and it's not fair on yourself to be in this position. You have to be honest about what you want?

 

If you want a friendship, without any romantic love, I can tell you exactly how to do that. I've done it before and the result is the same. Stay in touch, be there for her, be supportive and yes, you guys will establish a beautiful friendship but not a relationship.

 

If you want to reconcile, then give her space to genuinely miss you. She needs to feel devastated and like she lost you. Right now, you are demonstrating to her that you will always be there for her, which sounds romantic, but it also makes you a convenient backup option to her. You don't have to straight up ignore her when she messages you, but definitely do not see her or talk to her. She made the decision to break up with you so now she has to deal with the consequences.

 

Me and my ex have been broken up for 2 days, so I know this is easier said than done but I've made the mistakes you are making now, and learned the hard way that the best way to move on and the best chances to reconcile is to go NC and get some serious space. If people are meant to be together, and the love was real, then there will be opportunities to reconnect when she is sure she wants to give you a chance.

 

Focus on healing yourself and moving on. go out with your friends. Meet new people. Plan a spontaneous trip. Get fitter and more in shape. The girl made her choices, so it's time you focus on healing yourself. And yeah maybe you guys will get back together again, but she needs to see the consequences of her behavior and come to that decision herself. You trying to be supportive and talking to her will not convince her, it will only push her away and diminish her feelings of attraction for you. She needs to feel in love with you again and you can spark those feelings once you move on.

 

 

I understand what you're saying and will go through with no contact. I have never initiated a conversation since we broke up, she has always been the one to message me. I didn't ignore her, but I kept my responses simple and didn't talk about my feelings. My only question/concern is, when her and I did talk in person last Thursday, she was very emotional. I was getting hugs, she cried most of the time I was there and she kept telling me she loves me, misses me and is happy with me. What does that mean ? She is not usually an emotional person, I think other than when she broke up with me and last Thursday I have only seen her cry once since we've been together. I know you said she needs to feel that love for me again, but from all she has said and expressed I feel like it never left.

 

Obviously this happened for a reason but if her feelings are what she says, is no contact going to make them stronger or just make her move on? I want to reconcile and make things work but I know it needs to be two people. This whole situation is just very confusing for me. It wasn't a bad breakup, at all. In fact she has told me I am the best boyfriend she's ever had (not trying to sound cocky). Maybe it's the same for men and women, but why does staying in contact with someone who says multiple times they love you, etc...destroy their attraction and love for you versus no contact? I always have a hard time understanding that.

 

Thank you everyone for your help.

[ExpatInItaly]

She doesn't make any sense.

 

That usually happens when a person isn't being entirely honest. You can't put the pieces together because you don't have some of those pieces.

 

In the end, the bottom line hasn't changed. She can cry and say all these great things but she still doesn't want to be with you. You need to be very careful with a girl like this. She's talking out both sides of her mouth and you're getting put through emotional turmoil.

 

I would strongly caution you to keep your distance from her.

[B33F24]

She doesn't make any sense.

 

That usually happens when a person isn't being entirely honest. You can't put the pieces together because you don't have some of those pieces.

 

In the end, the bottom line hasn't changed. She can cry and say all these great things but she still doesn't want to be with you. You need to be very careful with a girl like this. She's talking out both sides of her mouth and you're getting put through emotional turmoil.

 

I would strongly caution you to keep your distance from her.

 

I just don't know what the missing pieces could possibly be. Maybe I don't understand because I've never had feelings for someone but "not wanted a relationship right now." I will agree that I am in emotional turmoil right now every time she reaches out too me I feel like there is some chance or that she realized she made a mistake which keeps me invested in her and what she said.

 

I don't think she is a bad person at all, but maybe I am looking through rose colored glasses and not clearly. Why do you say I need to be very careful ? Is there something I'm not recognizing here ?

 

Thanks again

[Versacehottie]

I'm just going to take a stab at a guess. I think she sounds like she could be depressed. And then you said she works nights. Those kind of hours (night shifts) can really contribute to depression. Plus crying constantly & the period stuff sounds like something is going on hormonally, which can be caused by or related to the depression. That's my guess. As for a solution, I don't have one. I guess give her space until she figures it out. She needs to. If you guys are talking and trying to get to the bottom of things, it might help to see if she is happy in her job & as a friend, gently suggest that she sort that out if she is indeed not happy with her job. At least switch to the same type of one in the day, that might start to help her. Good luck

[B33F24]

How long should I stick with no contact for her ? Aside from her reaching out too me and my responses to her, I haven't initiated anything since this all happened on the 14th. I have been doing my best to get into a routine and do things with friends and family. I had posted something on my Snapchat story yesterday and had noticed she had viewed it. I'm not trying to find things that don't exist, I just want to know where her head is at. However, it has been made clear to me that I shouldn't initiate contact, yet. Thoughts ?

 

Thanks

[B33F24]

Bump for help and input.

 

Thanks

[B33F24]

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[ExpatInItaly]

How long should I stick with no contact for her ? Aside from her reaching out too me and my responses to her, I haven't initiated anything since this all happened on the 14th. I have been doing my best to get into a routine and do things with friends and family. I had posted something on my Snapchat story yesterday and had noticed she had viewed it. I'm not trying to find things that don't exist, I just want to know where her head is at. However, it has been made clear to me that I shouldn't initiate contact, yet. Thoughts ?

 

Thanks

 

You keep it going indefinitely - unless and until she contacts you, with the intent of working on the relationship and being together.

 

Otherwise, you're just being used for emotional support. She can't have it both ways.

[B33F24]

You keep it going indefinitely - unless and until she contacts you, with the intent of working on the relationship and being together.

 

Otherwise, you're just being used for emotional support. She can't have it both ways.

 

What about all the stuff online about ways to get your ex back, etc...etc... is that all BS ? I see a bunch of stuff about waiting 30 days and then slowly initiated things with her again and so on. Should I not do that ? Is it a waste of my time ? I never know what is good advice or bad sometimes, unless it's from here.

 

Thank you, especially for all the help you've given me.

[B33F24]

I guess realistically I want to get her back, I just don't know how to go about doing that or if I even can do that. I know what she has told me and how she has acted around me physically and emotionally. Do I have a chance ? We didn't have a bad breakup by any means, though I still don't even know why we broke up. I just can't break the feeling that it was forced for some reason but I don't know what that reason is. I know we're five years apart in age but I didn't think it made that much of a difference..thoughts ?

[d0nnivain]

You are at the 8 month mark.

 

 

The longest relationship she has ever been in was 9 months.

 

 

Guess what? For her this relationship has run it's course. She doesn't know how to have a longer commitment & she doesn't want one. The fact that she can't articulate that doesn't make it any less true.

 

 

 

What about all the stuff online about ways to get your ex back, etc...etc... is that all BS ? I see a bunch of stuff about waiting 30 days and then slowly initiated things with her again and so on. Should I not do that ? Is it a waste of my time ? I never know what is good advice or bad sometimes, unless it's from here. .

 

 

All that stuff is game playing. You can't get your EX back. The time to work on a relationship is while you are in it. You can fix it after it's broken. Togetherness & effort fix relationship problems. Ignoring somebody lets everything that is wrong fester & teaches the person they don't need you. NC is about healing yourself not creating longing in the other person.

[B33F24]

You are at the 8 month mark.

 

 

 

 

 

Guess what? For her this relationship has run it's course. She doesn't know how to have a longer commitment & she doesn't want one. The fact that she can't articulate that doesn't make it any less true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

All that stuff is game playing. You can't get your EX back. The time to work on a relationship is while you are in it. You can fix it after it's broken. Togetherness & effort fix relationship problems. Ignoring somebody lets everything that is wrong fester & teaches the person they don't need you. NC is about healing yourself not creating longing in the other person.

 

I guess in this case I was never told anything was wrong. She never even acted like there was a problem until out of the blue this happened. To say you can't get your ex back seems rather ignorant too me. I know plenty of people who have gotten back with ex's and things have worked out. I'm not saying it's a common occurrence but to say it can't be done or doesn't happen is foolish.

 

In regard to NC I understand it's for healing but why emphasize it so much if people truly believe there is no hope? Wouldn't you want to be in contact then if the outcome of NC is the same as possibly pushing her away from talking ? If I think there is still a chance either based on what she said or acted around me I would want to do that right away versus waiting, according to your explanation. I'm just curious on what to believe and what not too. All relationships are different and so is handling them.

 

Thanks for the input.

[B33F24]

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[B33F24]

I've got another question in regard to all of this. Why is it that breakups are so hard for me people (myself included) but for others, it may be hard but they seem to move past it quickly? It has been almost three weeks and I am still struggling with everything, a lot. I haven't reached out to her even though I have wanted to numerous times and it is pretty difficult.

 

I do want to point out that she has contacted me weekly since everything happened between us which I am not sure what that means either.

 

Thanks

[kendahke]

I've got another question in regard to all of this. Why is it that breakups are so hard for me people (myself included) but for others, it may be hard but they seem to move past it quickly?

 

 

because they've been thinking of this and putting it into motion long before they present their decision to you... they've already gone through all the emotional stuff by the time they spring it on you.

 

I do want to point out that she has contacted me weekly since everything happened between us which I am not sure what that means either.

 

Thanks

 

Seriously, you need to stop letting her get in touch with you. She is just marking time when she does that because if, in her getting in touch weekly with you, she hasn't said "I'm so sorry--I don't want to break up with you. I want to be with you. Can we work on things and make them right? I want to be with you and only you...", then she's just making sure the hook is still in your cheek.

 

NC for your own sanity. It will cut down on a lot of this second guessing and questioning yourself.

[SevenCity]

She could have an avoidant attachment style or perhaps she doesn't realize that the honeymoon stage is only temporary.

 

Bottom line is without sleeping with her you are being friend zoned.

 

Be sweet but firm with her - only contact you if she is interested in something romantic.

 

By being there for her she will lose all feelings for you

[B33F24]

She could have an avoidant attachment style or perhaps she doesn't realize that the honeymoon stage is only temporary.

 

Bottom line is without sleeping with her you are being friend zoned.

 

Be sweet but firm with her - only contact you if she is interested in something romantic.

 

By being there for her she will lose all feelings for you

 

I do want to point out that I have made no effor to make contact with her, at all. I have been the recipient of messages but didn't continue a conversation when she did send one.

 

I'm not really sure what made all of this happen in the first place. Whether or not this is part of the reason, she has always been insecure about herself and why I was with her. She would ask me all the time what I saw in her, why I picked her, etc... Do people leave relationships because of their own insecurities ? My other question is, which I still don't understand, is why would being there for her make her lose feelings for me ? Again, I haven't reached out to her, I just never understood that idea.

 

Thanks again

[SevenCity]

I do want to point out that I have made no effor to make contact with her, at all. I have been the recipient of messages but didn't continue a conversation when she did send one.

 

I'm not really sure what made all of this happen in the first place. Whether or not this is part of the reason, she has always been insecure about herself and why I was with her. She would ask me all the time what I saw in her, why I picked her, etc... Do people leave relationships because of their own insecurities ? My other question is, which I still don't understand, is why would being there for her make her lose feelings for me ? Again, I haven't reached out to her, I just never understood that idea.

 

Thanks again

 

Often. My ex was exactly the same way. For years she was not convinced my feelings were for real. I did some stuff that may have fed into her insecurities over the years and she got to the point where she left. She also left for stuff I never did but she was hurt just the same. No win scenario.

 

The problem with insecure women is they will line up someone else because they don't want to be alone. Once they feel that things may not last they setup a backup to soften the blow. I'm sure not all of them do it but many do.

 

The unfortunate thing is you can tell them they are the most awesome, most beautiful girl in the world and it won't help. Insecurity has to be resolved from within.

[B33F24]

Often. My ex was exactly the same way. For years she was not convinced my feelings were for real. I did some stuff that may have fed into her insecurities over the years and she got to the point where she left. She also left for stuff I never did but she was hurt just the same. No win scenario.

 

The problem with insecure women is they will line up someone else because they don't want to be alone. Once they feel that things may not last they setup a backup to soften the blow. I'm sure not all of them do it but many do.

 

The unfortunate thing is you can tell them they are the most awesome, most beautiful girl in the world and it won't help. Insecurity has to be resolved from within.

 

I don't understand why they do that ? Wouldn't the fact that I'm with her and appreciate her, love her, etc...be proof ? Hell I did what you said, told her how beautiful I thought she was, everything I liked about her and she still would doubt my feelings about being with her. She even sometimes asked how I was so confident in our relationship. I never cheated on her or anyone I've been with but I know her ex's almost all did that to her.

 

Is no contact reinforcing those insecurities in her ? I'm still trying to figure out what her feelings are towards me since she keeps saying she loves me, even after all of this happened.

 

Thanks

[B33F24]

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[B33F24]

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