Not in a good place

January 15, 2017

Hey everyone,

I am not doing well currently and could use some help and guidance to calm me down. My girlfriend just broke up with me yesterday but neither of us know why. She has been feeling off for a little over a week and somehow attributed it to us. We have talked about it a few times and it seems like the issue may be more related to stress from work (she has an extremely stressful job) and the fact that she has missed her period for two months now (she is not pregnant). Despite talking about this she is still certain the issue is something with us. The only explanation she could give me is that she didn't miss me as much as usual two weekends ago and apparently that means there are issues with our relationship? I talked to her about that explaining that it is pretty common, especially considering we were texting all those days and she was going to see me on Monday. I could tell she was understanding what I said and told me numerous times we are good and it makes sense to her.

I thought perhaps she no longer loves me, or doesn't enjoy seeing me, or isn't happy with me but she said the opposite and did even after she said we should be done for awhile. In fact, she told me she loves me so much and loves having me spend time with her, etc... But for whatever reason she said she just doesn't want this. What could possibly outweigh her feelings for me, us, everything, that she is willing to put us both through so much pain? I would say she spent the majority of our conversation crying, especially when she told me that she still loves me, so why is it something she still went through with? I asked her if there was someone else, she said no, she told me I am the best boyfriend she has ever had, all of her family and friends like me, etc... I never took away from her time with friends and family, in-fact, there were many instances where I would pick her and her friends up from the bars downtown after a night of drinking, or from a concert, etc... There were even more instances where we were out doing things together or with her friends.

I am at a complete loss and don't want to give up on this especially because of how uncertain she was when she said she wanted to end things. There were multiple times during the conversation where she was having second thoughts about ending it and so on. Even when I left her house, she said I love you before I walked out the door and stood there looking crushed that it just ended. She told me numerous times, even Friday night that she wants to marry me one day and has known for awhile so what is going on here? Everything is so contradictory and is making it very hard for me. Do I give her some space? Do I reach out to her? This only happened yesterday and I haven't spoken with or texted her since. Some of my stuff is still at her house so we will see each other again and she never said don't contact me.

I could use any advice or help in this situation, I have gone through my fair share of relationships but this one really feels special and something I don't want to lose.

Thanks

January 15, 2017

I'm really sorry you're hurting so much. No doubt you are very confused about what has just happened. How long had you been together, and how old are you both?

There is very likely something she is not telling you. People who are in love and happy don't break off a good relationship for no reason. She probably has been feeling detached from you for a while and didn't know how to tell you. My guess is she's trying to soften the blow by telling you she loves you and doesn't know why she is doing this. She knows why, but this is her misguided attempt at trying to make it "easier" on you.

I do not think it was only one weekend of not missing you that caused her to feel she needed to end it. It was very likely a period of time in which she felt herself losing interest; she could have been forcing herself to put on a happy face (hence telling you she wanted to marry you just a few days ago) and play along because she was trying to suppress the doubts she had. I realize this isn't healthy and doesn't make sense, but a lot of dumpers go through it.

The worst-case scenario is that someone else caught her attention and she feels confused, but knows she can't hang on to you if she's feeling attracted to another guy. I don't mean to suggest she cheated, mind you. But perhaps she felt herself being pulled in another direction.

The bottom line is that she is willing to let this go, for some reason. She knows what it is, but is apparently having trouble either putting it into words or being upfront about it. In the end, the reasons isn't actually terribly important. The critical matter here is that she has made a choice. It will be hard, but don't reach out to her. If she wants to talk and feels she regrets her decision, she needs to come to you on her own.

January 15, 2017

OH dear, so sorry for your heartbreak.

I don't beleive she didn't meet someone else. When people make sudden turn around there is always someone else involved. Her crying is guilt-tears and of course she still loves you but she is not -in love with you - at this time for what ever reasons.

Someone else: A woman doesn't need to be sleeping with someone else to lose interest in her partner, she just needs to feel a 'connection' and her heart will be pulled toward him. Probably someone new at work, or in her network of friends.

You must not communicate with her, I repeat MUST NOT. All it will do is push her away even further. She broke up with you so treat her as en EX. Give her all the space she needs to explore that other avenue and you move on. Maybe later life will bring you back together but it's not an option now.

I don't know how many times I heard I am sure there isn't another woman-man and a couple of weeks later the new woman-man suddenly pops up.

I know it's hard but your only shot in the dark here for her to get back to you is to not contact her and move on.

January 15, 2017

I'm really sorry you're hurting so much. No doubt you are very confused about what has just happened. How long had you been together, and how old are you both?

There is very likely something she is not telling you. People who are in love and happy don't break off a good relationship for no reason. She probably has been feeling detached from you for a while and didn't know how to tell you. My guess is she's trying to soften the blow by telling you she loves you and doesn't know why she is doing this. She knows why, but this is her misguided attempt at trying to make it "easier" on you.

I do not think it was only one weekend of not missing you that caused her to feel she needed to end it. It was very likely a period of time in which she felt herself losing interest; she could have been forcing herself to put on a happy face (hence telling you she wanted to marry you just a few days ago) and play along because she was trying to suppress the doubts she had. I realize this isn't healthy and doesn't make sense, but a lot of dumpers go through it.

The worst-case scenario is that someone else caught her attention and she feels confused, but knows she can't hang on to you if she's feeling attracted to another guy. I don't mean to suggest she cheated, mind you. But perhaps she felt herself being pulled in another direction.

The bottom line is that she is willing to let this go, for some reason. She knows what it is, but is apparently having trouble either putting it into words or being upfront about it. In the end, the reasons isn't actually terribly important. The critical matter here is that she has made a choice. It will be hard, but don't reach out to her. If she wants to talk and feels she regrets her decision, she needs to come to you on her own.

I am 28 and she is 23 we have been together for almost 8 months. Ironically, this is the shortest relationship I have ever been in and I am almost 30. I never get into something without having confidence that it is going to be more than a fling. She was the first one to say I love you, probably 3 months into the relationship and was the first one to tell me she wanted to marry me about a month or two later. I met her family, friends, went to holiday's, all of it. I am not one for "dating" because I give so much of my heart to the person I am with that if things end it really takes a lot out of me.

One of the hardest things is not having her in my life or her family and friends that I have grown close with. I don't like losing people, at all. I know it gets better over time but she really is special too me and up until yesterday seemed like I was to her. She does work with a lot of guys and has a very low self-esteem so I don't know if attention from another guy gave her a boost or what. I always told her she is beautiful and sexy and made her feel good about herself even when she was in doubt. There were many times I would reassure her of things when she would ask if I still loved her and if I was attracted to her, etc... Do you all really think she doesn't love me anymore?

This is very hard, I will do my best to stay strong and not contact her.

January 15, 2017

Do you know when her last relationship was, prior to you?

I think she probably loves you in the sense that she cares for you, but isn't feeling whatever spark or initial interest she did before. It's hard to say why. She is still pretty young and seems she sort of rushed head-on into this. 8 months is rather short to be declaring you want to marry someone, at her young age.

January 15, 2017

Do you know when her last relationship was, prior to you?

I think she probably loves you in the sense that she cares for you, but isn't feeling whatever spark or initial interest she did before. It's hard to say why. She is still pretty young and seems she sort of rushed head-on into this. 8 months is rather short to be declaring you want to marry someone, at her young age.

Prior to me her last relationship ended in I think Feb or March of last year. It last about the same time wise. The longest relationship she has ever been in was 9 months.

I get what you're saying, which is what I asked her, is it a care for you type of love or do you actually still feel an attraction towards me? She told me it was romantic, still. So I don't know if she is just saying things or what. It's hard to tell.

I thought the same thing...and told her if she isn't really sure about wanting that, don't say it because it will put an idea into my head and make things harder if they don't work out. For whatever reason she told me she was sure and knew without a doubt it's what she wanted.

I hope I'm not frustrating you or anything, I am just trying to piece everything together based on what she told me

January 15, 2017

The honeymoon stage is over, the infatuation is done, and the dopamine has shut off......it's normal for peoples feeling fade after a few month to about a year. I believe she falls in love with the idea of being in a relaitonship, not the actual person. There are some that are addicted to the infatuation, and as soon as it fades, they breakup and move on to the next. It's perfectly normal.

You don't have to have issues in order for a relationship to end. They fall out of love.

January 15, 2017

Prior to me her last relationship ended in I think Feb or March of last year. It last about the same time wise. The longest relationship she has ever been in was 9 months.

I get what you're saying, which is what I asked her, is it a care for you type of love or do you actually still feel an attraction towards me? She told me it was romantic, still. So I don't know if she is just saying things or what. It's hard to tell.

I thought the same thing...and told her if she isn't really sure about wanting that, don't say it because it will put an idea into my head and make things harder if they don't work out. For whatever reason she told me she was sure and knew without a doubt it's what she wanted.

I hope I'm not frustrating you or anything, I am just trying to piece everything together based on what she told me

I think she is just saying things, to be honest. By virtue of her age, she still has a lot of growing up to do and probably thinks you want to hear she that she has romantic feelings for you, so that's what she's telling you.

A woman who is actually in love doesn't risk losing the man she wants by breaking up with him. The more you say, the more I suspect there is a third party involved, OP. Again, I don't necessarily think she's physically cheated on you, but this is an awfully sudden and definite break-up and based on experience, that frequently translates into another guy/girl being on the dumper's mind.

Also, if she's had a string of relatively short relationships, she might be the type who goes full-throttle into the honeymoon phase and then gets bored and moves on when the initial thrill naturally tapers. She's only 23 so she probably won't really be ready to commit and settle down for a few years to come.

January 15, 2017

I think she is just saying things, to be honest. By virtue of her age, she still has a lot of growing up to do and probably thinks you want to hear she that she has romantic feelings for you, so that's what she's telling you.

A woman who is actually in love doesn't risk losing the man she wants by breaking up with him. The more you say, the more I suspect there is a third party involved, OP. Again, I don't necessarily think she's physically cheated on you, but this is an awfully sudden and definite break-up and based on experience, that frequently translates into another guy/girl being on the dumper's mind.

Also, if she's had a string of relatively short relationships, she might be the type who goes full-throttle into the honeymoon phase and then gets bored and moves on when the initial thrill naturally tapers. She's only 23 so she probably won't really be ready to commit and settle down for a few years to come.

Do you think there is ever a chance for things to work out again? She said she could see us together in the future, didn't specify when but said when she is ready she could. I know it would be unhealthy for me to wait around for that day because who knows when or if it would ever come.

Another thing to is if we could remain cordial and still communicate once some time has passed. I don't want to lose her from my life, especially after the relationship we had and the possibility of something happening in the future. I think I know the answer to this last question, but would it be bad to talk to a mutual friend about this? One that we both have?

January 15, 2017

I'm not saying she might not come back after a break, but I do think that her missing her period and thinking she might be pregnant made her realize she either wasn't ready to have a family OR couldn't see herself having a family with you and being with you forever. Listen, all it takes is one thing to make a person put their lives into sharp perspective to make them change course. I was reunited with an old flame and then 9/11 happened and that was the end of that. He didn't explain it, but I think it just made him realize he needed to get on with living life, and he did make a big change and moved abroad.

I don't know how old you and your girlfriend are, but I know most of us when young look around and miss our freedom to explore, and sometimes we wonder if there is a greater happiness for us out there. But for you, I hope she just panicked a little and will come around. If not, though, you'll have to pick up the pieces and get social and move on. I'm sorry you're hurting. Please just respect whatever she asks you to do during this period, whether it's keep in touch or give her space. Don't panic and freak out and end on a bad note. Give it some time, be sure she knows how you feel and what your goals with her are so that all cards are on the table if they aren't already, and then be patient a little while, but if she says it's totally over, respect that and move on. Don't wait and hope if she says it's totally over, and don't compromise your ethics if she asks to stay in contact while she goes and does whatever either. Don't let her just lean on you or become only a friend when that's not what you want and would keep you from moving forward.

Keep us posted. Remember that change can really hurt, but in the end, it's usually what's best.

January 15, 2017

I'm not saying she might not come back after a break, but I do think that her missing her period and thinking she might be pregnant made her realize she either wasn't ready to have a family OR couldn't see herself having a family with you and being with you forever. Listen, all it takes is one thing to make a person put their lives into sharp perspective to make them change course. I was reunited with an old flame and then 9/11 happened and that was the end of that. He didn't explain it, but I think it just made him realize he needed to get on with living life, and he did make a big change and moved abroad.

I don't know how old you and your girlfriend are, but I know most of us when young look around and miss our freedom to explore, and sometimes we wonder if there is a greater happiness for us out there. But for you, I hope she just panicked a little and will come around. If not, though, you'll have to pick up the pieces and get social and move on. I'm sorry you're hurting. Please just respect whatever she asks you to do during this period, whether it's keep in touch or give her space. Don't panic and freak out and end on a bad note. Give it some time, be sure she knows how you feel and what your goals with her are so that all cards are on the table if they aren't already, and then be patient a little while, but if she says it's totally over, respect that and move on. Don't wait and hope if she says it's totally over, and don't compromise your ethics if she asks to stay in contact while she goes and does whatever either. Don't let her just lean on you or become only a friend when that's not what you want and would keep you from moving forward.

Keep us posted. Remember that change can really hurt, but in the end, it's usually what's best.

I get what you're saying, we discussed the missing her period and she never once thought she was actually pregnant (did take a test once just for clarification), she felt as though it was related to the stress from her work and what she deals with on a daily basis. I have always been there for her to vent to if she had a bad day, talk about it, and make her feel better. She is 23 and I am 28 and have always thought that she has been grounded and has her life together. I never took away from her social life with friends and family and made sure I was apart of it as well. She was free to do what she wanted, unless you are referring to exploring other relationships.

I hope you're right and it is just a panic and with some time she will come to the realization that she still wants this. Like I said above there was so much uncertainty in her eyes and back and forth that I feel like the whole decision was rushed. I know breakups are hard, I've gone through plenty, but this one is especially difficult for me because of how close we are with each other and everything we have discussed. I am going to give her time and not contact her unless she reaches out too me, but after awhile I am going to reach out and see if she wants to talk and also so I can get the rest of my things from her place. She knows how much I love her and I know (according to her) how much she still loves me, this is all very strange too me and makes little sense.

January 15, 2017

I am so sorry to hear what happened. It was clearly difficult for your girlfriend as well as you. It is possible to love someone (care a great deal about them) but somehow feel they are not the one for you. It sounds like that is what your girlfriend means. She does not want to hurt you, but inevitably breaking up with someone is very hurtful to them. I am sorry for your pain.

I do not think you should reach out to her. Trying to persist when she has broken up with you is not a good idea. It will make her push you away all the more. It is best to leave it and not attempt to contact her or to reason with her. Emotions are beyond reason, they have a life of their own. If her feeling is that she is not in the right relationship, then nothing you do will change that feeling. That feeling is in her; it is not external circumstances.

What you can do now is to come to terms with this. It is not easy, it will be a process of shock and denial at first, along with inevitable pain. Cry if you need to, talk to friends and family, post on here. Whatever you do, do not take this as there being something wrong with you. Another girl will feel that you are perfect for her. Each person follows their own instincts. It is hard when your instinct is to be with her. You will need to control that. The best way is to go no contact and resist impulses to contact her. Do not blame yourself if you struggle to keep to it, but ultimately it is the best way to get over someone.

I know that at the moment, you probably want to believe it is not true and that she will change her mind. While that is always possible, few people go through the heartache of saying they need to break up with someone they care about unless they mean it. You need to look after yourself now. You need care and the attention of loving friends. It is suprising how when feelings fade, other women will start to look appealing and you will have a new start. Bide your time until you are through this difficult phase. It is a phase and others who have been through it like you will be able to support you.

January 15, 2017

Actually, it is pretty unusual to miss a period, even with stress. It can happen, I believe, but could be a hormonal condition or even a pregnancy. I would keep an open mind about that.

January 15, 2017

Actually, it is pretty unusual to miss a period, even with stress. It can happen, I believe, but could be a hormonal condition or even a pregnancy. I would keep an open mind about that.

If it's a hormonal thing do you think it could be affecting her personality as well? She took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. So I don't believe she is actually pregnant. She didn't start acting moody until she missed her second period which leads me to believe that could be part of all of this.

January 15, 2017

If it's a hormonal thing do you think it could be affecting her personality as well? She took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. So I don't believe she is actually pregnant. She didn't start acting moody until she missed her second period which leads me to believe that could be part of all of this.

Not to the degree that it would entirely change her feelings for you, no. I say that having missed a few myself, and it was indeed a hormonal issue. It wasn't fun but it didn't affect my personality. I don't think her missed period has anything to do with this; the timing is coincidental, that's all.

January 22, 2017

Just wanted to give all of you an update on the situation. She contacted me on Tuesday and wanted to talk Thursday. I went over to her house and we talked for about an hour. As soon as I got there she started to cry, I told her that I still love her and don't understand why any of this is happening. She said she still loves me too, still enjoys seeing me and has missed me. Other than a quick text on Tuesday we had gone an entire week without talking or seeing each other. I had figured that would have cemented her feelings of being over me since I figured that's why she did all of this. Well I don't have any more answers now than I did the first time and I am even more confused. I understand trying to soften the blow at first, but I am starting to wonder/believe that she truly does still love me and have all of these feelings for me. If that is the case, why is this happening?

I suggested maybe just slowing things down a bit if she feels overwhelmed in life currently, or something. I asked her why she is doing this because it seems very clear that she is miserable because of it and I am too. I can't find any logical reason behind it. She cried most of the time I was there and kept telling me she loves me. The entire break/break-up feels forced too me. I just want answers and I have my hopes up again because of what she said and how she is acting around me. She told me we can talk and everything so I am completely lost as to why we're not together.

Help?

January 22, 2017

I don't mean to freak you out, but any chance she IS pregnant and the father isn't you? And so she feels she must break up.

January 22, 2017

I don't mean to freak you out, but any chance she IS pregnant and the father isn't you? And so she feels she must break up.

I was keeping that thought to myself....

January 22, 2017

I don't mean to freak you out, but any chance she IS pregnant and the father isn't you? And so she feels she must break up.

Honestly, I don't think so, I guess anything is possible but I strongly believe she has always been faithful too me. I'm really just completely confused with the whole situation. If she is pregnant, I'm not going to lose my ****, we're both adults with successful careers and could handle that situation. I've gone through a decent amount of break-ups. You don't say this stuff to someone you are over or don't love anymore.

January 22, 2017

I'm rly sorry you're hurting. I had a similar situation where a previous bf from what felt like out of nowhere broke up with me. I spent hours crying and feeling really upset, he kept calling me babe and told me he still loved me. I pathetically begged him for another chance that night and realized later our relationship was not as healthy as I thought. I was actually living with him too so it was even harder to just let go.

Once I moved home we were on and off for a few months but eventually split. I felt free-- I know this hurts and feels like it's out of the blue but take a step back and rly think about the relationship. She's prbly trying to make this easier, no it doesn't always mean there's someone else. She may just not be the right one. Both of you should spend time a part, if it's supposed to come back together it will. Don't blame yourself though, relationships take two.

January 22, 2017

I just don't know if I should contact her or not. I'm not talking about talking all the time like we used too. But just a quick text saying I love you or how's your day,etc... If she is still feeling torn up about this and still loves me and everything else I have explained. I don't know if I should wait again to talk to her or reach out. Again, I waited a week before we talked on Thursday and she wasn't doing good, at all.

Any advice?

January 22, 2017

I just don't know if I should contact her or not. I'm not talking about talking all the time like we used too. But just a quick text saying I love you or how's your day,etc... If she is still feeling torn up about this and still loves me and everything else I have explained. I don't know if I should wait again to talk to her or reach out. Again, I waited a week before we talked on Thursday and she wasn't doing good, at all.

Any advice?

Leave her alone. Continue with NC. Honestly, if the reason she broke up with you is as trivial as she hinted, do you really want to be with someone who will throw you under the bus for tiny reasons? In reality, I agree with other posters who have told you that she indeed knows what the real reason is, and it is not what she is telling you. Whether she is pregnant with someone else's kid, or is seeing another man, or had a religious conversion, or got kidnapped by aliens, does it really matter? You need to walk away with your dignity. There will be another woman in your life who will treat you seriously. Find her. Now. Good luck.

January 26, 2017

I apologize for the delay..I had gone a week since talking to her last, which was at her house in person when she confessed she still loves me, misses me, and all that. Well she sent me a message last night and needless to say it got me excited. I won't lie, I was hoping to hear that she wanted me back or realized she made a mistake, etc... Well it was just about something that was going on at work that she sent me. She works nights so I got it around 4am but decided to wait until 11am to send anything or not. I am honestly at a loss with everything. I made no attempt to contact her since we talked last but like previously she has reached out too me for something brief.

Do I need to try and sit down and talk with her again ? Should I not talk to her at all ? I love this woman and believe she feels the same, not only by her words but by how emotional she is around me too. I need help, this just isn't getting easier.

January 27, 2017

Anyone have any input on what I should do or how I should handle things? I can't help but run thoughts through my head that I messed up somehow even though she said otherwise.

Thanks

January 27, 2017

I apologize for the delay..I had gone a week since talking to her last, which was at her house in person when she confessed she still loves me, misses me, and all that. Well she sent me a message last night and needless to say it got me excited. I won't lie, I was hoping to hear that she wanted me back or realized she made a mistake, etc... Well it was just about something that was going on at work that she sent me. She works nights so I got it around 4am but decided to wait until 11am to send anything or not. I am honestly at a loss with everything. I made no attempt to contact her since we talked last but like previously she has reached out too me for something brief.

Do I need to try and sit down and talk with her again ? Should I not talk to her at all ? I love this woman and believe she feels the same, not only by her words but by how emotional she is around me too. I need help, this just isn't getting easier.

Hey I'm going through a similar situation so I very much feel your pain. I would not talk to her about this. Give her space. She's reaching out to you because she probably misses you and your support. This does not equate to her wanting you back. Your best chance is to give her space, way more space. It's only been 2 weeks and it's not fair on yourself to be in this position. You have to be honest about what you want?

If you want a friendship, without any romantic love, I can tell you exactly how to do that. I've done it before and the result is the same. Stay in touch, be there for her, be supportive and yes, you guys will establish a beautiful friendship but not a relationship.

If you want to reconcile, then give her space to genuinely miss you. She needs to feel devastated and like she lost you. Right now, you are demonstrating to her that you will always be there for her, which sounds romantic, but it also makes you a convenient backup option to her. You don't have to straight up ignore her when she messages you, but definitely do not see her or talk to her. She made the decision to break up with you so now she has to deal with the consequences.

Me and my ex have been broken up for 2 days, so I know this is easier said than done but I've made the mistakes you are making now, and learned the hard way that the best way to move on and the best chances to reconcile is to go NC and get some serious space. If people are meant to be together, and the love was real, then there will be opportunities to reconnect when she is sure she wants to give you a chance.

Focus on healing yourself and moving on. go out with your friends. Meet new people. Plan a spontaneous trip. Get fitter and more in shape. The girl made her choices, so it's time you focus on healing yourself. And yeah maybe you guys will get back together again, but she needs to see the consequences of her behavior and come to that decision herself. You trying to be supportive and talking to her will not convince her, it will only push her away and diminish her feelings of attraction for you. She needs to feel in love with you again and you can spark those feelings once you move on.

Edited January 27, 2017 by mbee

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