Bonjour295 Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 about 6 months ago a coworker and I started to become very close. We would talk about everything, all day every day, and I could tell I hade him a little nervous. He would look for excuses to talk to me, his hands would shake and I would always catch him staring at me. Other people even commented on how they thought he liked me. We were sort of like Jim and Pam. I have never felt that connected to someone in my life (we are both in our early 30s) he mentioned he had a bad experience with a coworker before (liked her for a very long time and she ultimately rejected him after years.. now she's married to someone else.) anyways, a couple months ago he started to really distance himself from me. He suffered a loss of a friend, became very vulnerable for a few days, treating me like a girlfriend and coming to me, but then gradually he threw himself in work and got very guarded. He's still kind to me, but he seems completely burdened by my presence and life in general. Things seemed back to normal, we were talking and back to the way it's always been, so I finally decided to confess I'd be open to dating. He took a few days to get back to me and basically told me he doesn't see me in that way. I replied that it was totally fine (very breezy) but we haven't spoken since then, and he's been 100% closed off, picking fights at work (with other coworkers) and coming in late/leaving early ever since. I actually don't work on his floor so I haven't seen him. My question is, can taking a break and going no contact help this situation? And was that attraction in my head?
DarrenB Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 I think what's more concerning is his wellbeing towards work, rather than his platonic 'friendship/relationship' with you. This is probably caused by the traumatic experience of his friend passing amongst possibly other things, so I assume like you said he's burdening himself and then finding comfort and closure in other people: in this case, you. Whether or not he's using you as some sort of comforter only to dispose on a later date, that doesn't really seem evident here or to be perceived that way. I feel as though he's attempted to work something with you but he's obviously prevented by certain things. Also, you stated that he was honest and did tell you he couldn't see things progressing further romantically with you. In all honesty, I understand his thought process and his actions completely. I empathize for him. I think the real question is, do you want to initiate no contact to get him to build a romantic future with you? or is it something entirely different? I think you're more focused on getting him to like you, rather than helping him in what is a difficult time for him. I've dealt with and supported colleagues who were in awful states after suffering from traumatic experiences. As though it does seem that what they need is peace and solitude within themselves, realistically they need support and guidance from whoever is willing to give it to them. I think although he says he doesn't see you as someone he would want to romanticize with he does see you personally as a friend. By all means you're not obliged to do so, but personally I would.
Redhead14 Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 about 6 months ago a coworker and I started to become very close. We would talk about everything, all day every day, and I could tell I hade him a little nervous. He would look for excuses to talk to me, his hands would shake and I would always catch him staring at me. Other people even commented on how they thought he liked me. We were sort of like Jim and Pam. I have never felt that connected to someone in my life (we are both in our early 30s) he mentioned he had a bad experience with a coworker before (liked her for a very long time and she ultimately rejected him after years.. now she's married to someone else.) anyways, a couple months ago he started to really distance himself from me. He suffered a loss of a friend, became very vulnerable for a few days, treating me like a girlfriend and coming to me, but then gradually he threw himself in work and got very guarded. He's still kind to me, but he seems completely burdened by my presence and life in general. Things seemed back to normal, we were talking and back to the way it's always been, so I finally decided to confess I'd be open to dating. He took a few days to get back to me and basically told me he doesn't see me in that way. I replied that it was totally fine (very breezy) but we haven't spoken since then, and he's been 100% closed off, picking fights at work (with other coworkers) and coming in late/leaving early ever since. I actually don't work on his floor so I haven't seen him. My question is, can taking a break and going no contact help this situation? And was that attraction in my head? No contact is not a tool for managing a relationship or getting someone to come back or be closer to you. It is a tool for YOU to move forward from a relationship. You are wasting your time and emotion and mental gymnastics on this guy: told me he doesn't see me in that way we haven't spoken since then but he seems completely burdened by my presence and life in general and he's been 100% closed off, picking fights at work (with other coworkers -- Whatever he is feeling/dealing with, he is handling it in a very immature/irrational/irresponsible way. You need to forget about developing a romantic relationship with this guy. And was that attraction in my head -- You were at best good friends. There is nothing you said above that indicates a romantic interest in you. 2
Whodatdog Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 When people show you who they are believe them. Dont fantasize what you want him to think about you. He is telling you and showing you his lack of interest.
BC1980 Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 I don't think going NC would work here. I think you probably just misread into his attraction/interest in you. It happens. He said he doesn't see you "that way," which means he's not attracted to you as a potential romantic interest. I think it's best that you distance yourself from him because you obviously have feelings for him.
spiderowl Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 (edited) He seems a bit mixed up. He is bereaved as well which can make people close off and become very pessimistic. If he is not actively pursuing anything with you, I would assume he is not interested. I know he has already indicated that he doesn't view you romantically. Unfortunately, you can't really go no contact at work, but you can avoid him. Will it make him more interested in you? Possibly, but there is no sign of that at present. It sounds like he is one of those guys who is very changeable. Edited January 15, 2017 by spiderowl
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