itsmejoel Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 Hey. I've been posting on reddit's relationship advice but the kids there usually give pretty ****ty advice... Also it's kids. Anyway I'm not sure what to expect here either But that's not what I'm confused about. The reason I'm confused is my girlfriend. I'm 31, she's 26. We're not at the same place in life- House and kids isn't something that's far away in the future for me. Meanwhile, she recently graduated and isn't even sure she'll stay in my town. Also, she doesn't click with my friends. Personally I don't really care that much about that, friends are important but my SO is what matters the most. Well, yeah, big issues. I'm not going to convince her to stay, and she isn't sure what to do. We do love each other, very much. This girl makes me laugh, she's spontaneous, fun, has high energy. Sex is amazing. Well, she makes me truly happy. But, then again, we're fighting way too often. She can't take criticism, huge red flag. We're both very emotional persons. I actually don't think we're the most optimal match. But we have such a ****ing fun time together , when it's good !! Which it is, most of the time. I'm so divided. I'm still willing to go for this, I love her , but to be honest we aren't the best match. Anyone can relate? What happened? What didn't happen? What should've happened?
Gaeta Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 'having fun' is important but isn't a base on which to base a solid relationship to build a family. You need a common goal, mutual respect, and compatibility. It's not that important to have common interests but compatibility of your core values and goals is a must to make it long term. I was listening to a psychologist interview yesterday and they were talking about when you date someone that no one really likes. These situations rarely make it long term. Friends and family have a way to pick up on negative energy and they see and feel things we don't. So you and your girlfriend aren't in the same place anymore. You can't make her settle if she is not ready and you don't want to delay your life's plan, what option do you have really? The only avenue is to part ways. How long have you been dating? 1
Author itsmejoel Posted January 14, 2017 Author Posted January 14, 2017 Yeah. I guess you have a point. But to me personally, what it all comes down to, is being able to laugh about things, in good and bad times. I believe that if you can do that- then the rest of the things tends to work out. Maybe that's naive, maybe not. It's been working good for me this far in life not to over complicate things. I should mention that I ended things with my last girlfriend because of this. She was intelligent, looked good, had a good job- but lacked wits and humor! I should've noticed from the beginning but I didn't. It's a deal breaker! And, I do connect with her family. They're a great bunch. We've been dating for about a year. 1
Popsicle Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 What are you fighting about? Criticism is one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ 2
kendahke Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 . She can't take criticism, give an example of criticism from you that she can't take
preraph Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 I think you're right that now she's graduated, anything could happen because she's still in that "young" phase and probably not ready to settle down. But it sounds like you really have fun together, and what I advise if for you to just enjoy it for as long as it's still fun. When it's not fun anymore, or she decides to go off and explore a new job, city, whatever, then try to part amicably, because she's not that many years away from being ready to settle down IF she has any desire to have a family. But a lot can happen and people can still change and evolve at her age, especially when their whole environment (school to work) is about to change. So try to be happy and have fun and enjoy it. But leave the door open if she needs to move on. Good luck.
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 get your head out of the sand....this isn't about you this is about her...did you listen??Getting along with your friends, living in the same town, and chasing her goals are important to her, so stop ignoring that. You two are completely on two different planes of life.....compatibility is what holds relationships together for the long haul and she ain't seeing that with you....basically she is more interested in telling you why this isn't going to work out...not how to make this work. Let her go. 1
bachdude Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 I think you need to be realistic about this. I assume since she is graduating at age 26 she is receiving a masters or Ph.D. No? If so, that probably isn't the type of gal to settle down right after getting her hard earned degree. She is a career woman, and that's great. I would guess her career goals are going to come first at this stage in her life. Your timing seems off.
Author itsmejoel Posted January 15, 2017 Author Posted January 15, 2017 I think you're right that now she's graduated, anything could happen because she's still in that "young" phase and probably not ready to settle down. But it sounds like you really have fun together, and what I advise if for you to just enjoy it for as long as it's still fun. When it's not fun anymore, or she decides to go off and explore a new job, city, whatever, then try to part amicably, because she's not that many years away from being ready to settle down IF she has any desire to have a family. But a lot can happen and people can still change and evolve at her age, especially when their whole environment (school to work) is about to change. So try to be happy and have fun and enjoy it. But leave the door open if she needs to move on. Good luck. Yes, that's what I'm fearing that she's in that young phase for a while longer. On the other hand I really believe in us. And she is as well. Also, her mother and father were at the same ages and met in the same city as she's been studying in back in the day, so I'm thinking that history could repeat itself. Then again those were different times, pre-tinder, gender roles were different, und so weiter. I feel that fewer people are in a relationship at all these days, especially up here in these cold, individualistic nordic countries. Yeah. That's my general attitude at this moment. Take it as it comes. On the other hand I don't want to waste time- Like those crushes I had in my early 20s when you had just a casual relationship without any seriousness to it.. So obviously I'm divided.
Gaeta Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 Yeah. That's my general attitude at this moment. Take it as it comes. On the other hand I don't want to waste time- Like those crushes I had in my early 20s when you had just a casual relationship without any seriousness to it.. So obviously I'm divided. You say yourself you are not a great match, you fight all the time but insist you're having fun. And this all while dating. There is a world apart between dating and living together. See my ex was fun! He was just a clown everyone wanted around. We had a lot of 'fun' while dating. I was young and knew nothing about anything and I thought love and laughter would carry us through everything. Big-wrong! We got married. We could not agree on money and fought. We could not agree on how to raise our daughter and fought. We could not agree on house chores and fought. Soon there was no fun and no laughter. And without the fun and laughter we had nothing else in common. And a life time of incompatibility is very long and 'not fun'. 1
Author itsmejoel Posted January 15, 2017 Author Posted January 15, 2017 You say yourself you are not a great match, you fight all the time but insist you're having fun. And this all while dating. There is a world apart between dating and living together. See my ex was fun! He was just a clown everyone wanted around. We had a lot of 'fun' while dating. I was young and knew nothing about anything and I thought love and laughter would carry us through everything. Big-wrong! We got married. We could not agree on money and fought. We could not agree on how to raise our daughter and fought. We could not agree on house chores and fought. Soon there was no fun and no laughter. And without the fun and laughter we had nothing else in common. And a life time of incompatibility is very long and 'not fun'. I guess that's a possible scenario, but I suppose it's as possible with a more happy outcome. I believe that if you really love someone you'll never stop fighting to make it work. I find it hard to believe that you'd say 'Big-wrong!' in retrospect if things had worked out in your case.
strawberryshortstack Posted January 16, 2017 Posted January 16, 2017 I believe that if you really love someone you'll never stop fighting to make it work. Unfortunately, that's a very idealistic view, and it rarely works out that way in reality. In every relationship I've been in that lasted more than a few months, I definitely loved my partner, but it wasn't enough. You have to have things in common, for when the honeymoon period ends.
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