SadDancer Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 Hi all. In brief; Met a guy about 7 weeks ago who lives about 2 hours from me and we spent the night together just as a casual arrangement. I never expected to hear from him again but a week later he got in touch to tell me about his holiday. A week later he got in touch again and since then we have had a really good back and forth. Randomly about 3 weeks ago he started taking forever to reply and I felt him getting distant. There had been a death in his family though so maybe it was that because not long after he messaged me to ask if we could meet again and soon as he is going travelling for 4 months next week. I went to his town and we had a lovely evening and spent the night together. We talked loads and he was really intimate and close. The next day he messaged me to see if I'd got home OK and updated me on his travel plans. We spoke about a week later too because I sent him some details on an event where he is going. He views most of my Instagram and snapchats though and likes things sometimes and we speak maybe once a week. My question is: I really like this guy. I'd like to see him again. How can I keep it cool but I maintain his interest? I feel there's enough interest to be at least worth trying to meet when he gets back but guys .... what would help me with this? Advice welcome. I would really like to give this a shot - this guy has an energy and enthusiasm for life that I just love and his adventures and projects are fascinating. If there's a chance I can be the one on his journey I'd love to be the one to support him and encourage his dreams. I think if I can meet him again when he's back I have a chance but obviously it's going to be hard as (and quite rightly) this is his time to be free and travel for a bit! Can anyone advise?
Sara1989 Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 So he basically ignored you for 3 weeks then got back in contact and in that date you had sex? since then he contacts you once a week. That is pretty poor and he most likely sees you as a fwb, so is doing just enough to keep you hanging around. 2
Author SadDancer Posted January 14, 2017 Author Posted January 14, 2017 He didn't ignore me and he still initiated chats just replies took a lot longer and if I messaged first sometimes he'd reply a few hours after when before he was always quick
Author SadDancer Posted January 14, 2017 Author Posted January 14, 2017 Maybe I'm making excuses I sent him a message wishing him safe travels etc and asking if he's ready but he hasn't read it even though he's been online loads in the last hour Awww :'( I guess that means he just isn't interested then
kidm Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 What you've described is the typically FWB arrangement. He'll reach out when he feels like it, if ever. There are no rules. I wouldn't be surprised if his communciation picks up when he's about to get back from his travels so he can set up some companisonahip and sex when he returns. 4
Jj66 Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 The others are probably right and I hate to peddle hope but here is another possible perspective. If I met somone right before I was going away for a few months I would be very aloof. I would keep it super casual. If I jumped right in I would be afraid of being hurt. It would be unreasonable to expect her to wait for me after we just met. I would play it cool and hope to explore things further when I got back if she was still available. 2
kendahke Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 I've made it a rule in my life that whenever I meet someone and they tell me they're going out of town for an extended period of time, I shut down my interest in them and look elsewhere. I would not invest anything in them. Time after time, once the time came 'round to when they got back in town, they were still as aloof as they were when we met and I'd wasted my time building an artificial construct around who I wanted that guy to be instead of who he really was. Do yourself a favor and let this one go. Stop investing in the artificial construct of him. 3
Author SadDancer Posted January 14, 2017 Author Posted January 14, 2017 Aww thanks for the replies guys! Well he did reply and was chatty and asked how things were. I replied but again it's taken him ages to reply. I know he's so busy saying goodbye to friends. He has kept up with me on social media too. I'm undecided whether I cut him off or I just keep it simmering on the back burner till he gets back and I can investigate further. I just opened a new business so the time will fly by. But I *really* like him and I would love a shot at it when his life is less manic. I don't want to be a burden to him now and this is a huge dream for him. I'm wondering if there's a way to stay appealing whilst he's away. Or if it seems like he's just totally not interested... It's a shame we met now but I hear what people say I really do, I just think if we can meet again when he's back it will be so much easier to navigate from there. The question is really what's the best way to keep up a little tiny back and forth whilst he's away to help my chances?
kidm Posted January 14, 2017 Posted January 14, 2017 Aww thanks for the replies guys! Well he did reply and was chatty and asked how things were. I replied but again it's taken him ages to reply. I know he's so busy saying goodbye to friends. He has kept up with me on social media too. I'm undecided whether I cut him off or I just keep it simmering on the back burner till he gets back and I can investigate further. I just opened a new business so the time will fly by. But I *really* like him and I would love a shot at it when his life is less manic. I don't want to be a burden to him now and this is a huge dream for him. I'm wondering if there's a way to stay appealing whilst he's away. Or if it seems like he's just totally not interested... It's a shame we met now but I hear what people say I really do, I just think if we can meet again when he's back it will be so much easier to navigate from there. The question is really what's the best way to keep up a little tiny back and forth whilst he's away to help my chances? You should mirror his frequency of contact. You shouldn't do all the work and try to keep anything up. You don't want to come across as "thirsty." Focus on your business and being your easy breezy self. I'm not sure if there is way to stay appealing. Just be yourself and if he's interested in more, he will make it known. 2
Author SadDancer Posted January 14, 2017 Author Posted January 14, 2017 Ok I've tried to do that. I haven't started any more conversations than he has. I don't think it helps that I have anxiety at all! But I manage it fine I just read into everything. Like my guy friend today told me if he is leaving the country in 2 days he will be far too crazy saying goodbyes and moving etc and that him texting back when he has time is to be expected. But then the Internet says if he doesn't text back straight away he doesn't care. Women shouldn't make moves etc etc. So conflicting! All I know is I like him, I *think* he likes me somewhat, I am not sure if it's just vague interest though and whether that's circumstantial or if it is because I'm not right for him. But I'd like to try (without being weird obviously!). And the thing is my male friends have all said he lives several hours away, if there was no interest he'd just unfollow me on social media and ghost. So its kind of confusing right now. I'm going to try and fill my life with the business and activities and keep EVERYTHING crossed! X
kendahke Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 don't invest anything like time, interest or anything in him until after he's gotten back and has contacted you wanting to explore the possibilities with you. In the meantime, date other men. You have no relationship here, so wiling away the time planning for his return is ill advised. If he really wants you, he will be arsed to make that plain to you and to elbow his way past the others. 5
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 Never put your life on hold for someone like that....keep in touch but date other men in the meantime. 3
Author SadDancer Posted January 15, 2017 Author Posted January 15, 2017 I know. I'm dating other men too. I won't put my life on hold. But it's hard to just forget him, and there will be an element of hope. Actually it's strange for me because all my girlfriends that are now married or in happy ltr's actually were the main drivers in the early days of their r's. When I asked my brother about it he just said as a guy he has zero interest in chasing anyone and his friends are the same. He said that if someone is interested in him they had better make it known. He is very secure mid 20s and a really nice guy. Had some lovely gfs. He just advised that I stay cool, in touch on media and drop him a message a few weeks after he's back if I'm still keen then. I really appreciate being able to put my thoughts here and all your thoughts on my thoughts. I've been really in a tizz with it all. And reading what you all have to say on my musings is calming me down and making me feel better. Thank you LS! This chat is helping.
kidm Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 I know. I'm dating other men too. I won't put my life on hold. But it's hard to just forget him, and there will be an element of hope. Actually it's strange for me because all my girlfriends that are now married or in happy ltr's actually were the main drivers in the early days of their r's. When I asked my brother about it he just said as a guy he has zero interest in chasing anyone and his friends are the same. He said that if someone is interested in him they had better make it known. He is very secure mid 20s and a really nice guy. Had some lovely gfs. He just advised that I stay cool, in touch on media and drop him a message a few weeks after he's back if I'm still keen then. I really appreciate being able to put my thoughts here and all your thoughts on my thoughts. I've been really in a tizz with it all. And reading what you all have to say on my musings is calming me down and making me feel better. Thank you LS! This chat is helping. You've had sex with him already and kept in contact. You think he doesn't know you're interested? No one is saying he should chase you but he needs to show interest beyond getting together for dinner and sex and some irregular communication. Right now he's looking out for numero uno probably because he is traveling soon and you should do the same without getting yourself into a tizzy and yearning to be the one by his side and support his dreams. Best wishes! 1
kendahke Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 I know. I'm dating other men too. I won't put my life on hold. But but nothing. Don't let the narrative you're telling yourself be your God here. Don't put your life on hold. Let's review: Met a guy about 7 weeks ago who lives about 2 hours from me and we spent the night together just as a casual arrangement. Check your expectations and keep them in line with the reality of what has fallen out in experience between you two. Him having sex with you doesn't mean he's yearning for the obligations of relationship with you. You were game, he was game and it was on and that was it, as his behavior since has shown you. Since your arrangement was casual, you need to factor in the truth that he's a single man with an enthusiastic nature who doesn't have to answer to anyone and most likely will meet someone there and do the exact same thing with them as he did with you, precisely because he's a single man with an enthusiastic nature who doesn't have to answer to anyone. Human nature doesn't change that drastically over night and THAT is why we're all saying to check your pining. all my girlfriends that are now married or in happy ltr's actually were the main drivers in the early days of their r's. When I asked my brother about it he just said as a guy he has zero interest in chasing anyone and his friends are the same. He said that if someone is interested in him they had better make it known. He is very secure mid 20s and a really nice guy. Had some lovely gfs. He just advised that I stay cool, in touch on media and drop him a message a few weeks after he's back if I'm still keen then. Your brother and your friends? They aren't this guy. What worked for them doesn't work for everyone else. If it did, 30% of the threads here wouldn't even be here. Randomly about 3 weeks ago he started taking forever to reply and I felt him getting distant. Dude lives 2 hours away from you--logistically, the odds of him carving out travel time for a casual eff buddy were long and unrealistic. Having said that, seriously--when I was planning on going out of the country earlier this year, I wasn't so busy that I couldn't make time for what or whom was important to me, even if it was a 15 minute phone conversation. Carry on with your life. He already knows you're more than interested, that's why he's not pressed. Let him demonstrate that he wants more from you--and that doesn't mean another casual roll in the hay--you can't sex a man into a relationship he has no intention on being in. Don't play yourself out with social media/texts, etc under the pretext of showing him you're interested. As I said, he already knows. You don't want to come across as "thirsty." exactly right, kidm. OP--ask your brother how attractive thirsty women are. 3
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 If you are looking for something more serious....this whole thing should be a dealbreaker.
Author SadDancer Posted January 16, 2017 Author Posted January 16, 2017 Oh no.... I hope I haven't been 'thirsty'. I've only initiated as many chats as he has, and we had a good back and forth for a bit yesterday where he told me he was a bit sad to leave his friends for so long but also excited and asked about my new business. I stayed light and casual and easy breezy. Today he posted a pic on insta so I said good luck under that. And now I'm panicked that I'm 'thirsty'. I find I overanalyse everything and I wonder if it was too much or not enough etc. Equally part of me thinks he'd just unfollow me and never speak with me if there wasn't some kind of interest as he lives so far away that if he were to just vanish then there wouldn't be much I could do. Its so confusing Sigh. I'm being my own worst enemy here but my anxiety is triggered and I'm finding it quite hard right now Anyway I do very much take on board what you all say and only time will tell now. Its tricky... there's really no lack of male interest at all but I just really like this guy, but if you show too much then it's thirsty and desperate. Before this my last relationship was 15 years, HSS, so this is a very new world for me and I'm finding it can be a little hard!
Author SadDancer Posted January 17, 2017 Author Posted January 17, 2017 I'm having a really sad day today. It's so silly!! The guy went travelling yesterday morning and he's been posting loads on social media. But he's stopped watching my bits online. And I guess that means he's not bothered. I don't know.... because my friends say I'm reading way too much into things but today my gut tells me he's not interested. I've been really tired lately and sleeping so badly too. I don't think that helps. I wish I hadn't fallen for him I don't feel like this is healthy and I just want a hug and a cry. It's so hard when you're not sure what another person thinks, if anything! Maybe it's just a sad day. And I'm hormonal this week too. Damn. I hate that I allowed myself to get into this situation
Author SadDancer Posted January 21, 2017 Author Posted January 21, 2017 I realise this thread is dead but writing really helps so i'm just putting things down. I heard from my crush. He sent me a photo of a store with the same name as my online username for a site we both use. I just sent a casual this is cool and looks like you're having a great time response. But I'm kind of confused as to whether this means maybe he does have an interest in meeting me again possibly, or not. Oh damn... I realise I'm overthinking. It I guess I think if he didn't like me he wouldn't bother, but if he did he'd be in touch more. Unless he's just keeping me warm so to speak.... my head!
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