I am a mid 30's single guy with limited dating exp in need of :/

[b18c1]

Hey, I have been single man for about 7 years now. In single, I mean... no dates or anything. I was very very poor (to about 29 years old) and filled with a major responsibilities (I have been raising my son on my own since I was about 25 and since he was an toddler). Things are different now. I am now making about 180k per year at a great job (that I love) and still raising my son on my own. I am very proud I achieved all my career success even with a child to raise.

 

If I had to take one thing back in life, I wish I never approached women when I was poor and not in a good living situation. They rejected me very hard and sometimes it was very embarrassing. Almost all of them, I learned that I didn't even have a remote chance when going in I thought I did.

 

I feel like that I lack the ability to read social cues. This coming because I never got to socialize too much in my 20's and every day for about 7-8 years was scraping just to get by.

 

The dating scene is horribly hard for me. I feel like I am an 80 year old guy trying to get into the dating scene :/ I have very little to no experience on dating or social interaction. Most of my time is work and being the best dad I can be.

 

 

I want to talk to this lady at my workplace (she works in a different dept at a huge organization). I always thought she was attractive and I just assumed she had no interest because she always gave me this "face" of disinterest.

 

One day, I struck a conversation with her and she actually conversated back with me. Next few days, she conversated with me. Days later I mentioned to her that I always see her sitting in a isolated distant part of our lunch area (total opposite from where i sit). Then one day, she was sitting by herself exactly where I sit, with no computer or headphones.

 

I got so nervous because I didn't get why she sat exactly where I sit for lunch at the exact time I take my lunch. When I made eye contact with her, she had this "face" that she didn't want to be bothered and I just walked passed her without even acknowledging her and ate at my breakroom. I felt really bad afterwords because I convinced myself that I was bothering her.

 

I asked a friend and she said that there is a possibility that she sat there just as nervous as me.

 

So I am here for some help on understanding this. She doesn't seem to talk to many people. She seem to be a loner in a strange way but to me (I find it hard to believe an attractive lady like herself can be a "loner," but overall I think she is a "nerdy sexy" kind of gal. She seems like a introvert and I myself am a introvert as well and I am confuse as... bleep.

 

Thanks for all the advice!

Edited January 14, 2017 by b18c1

[IfonlyIknew]

First of all you have been way too critical of yourself, it's no wonder you are lacking in the dating department. Your life has significantly turned around you should be more confident in yourself. Yeah it sucks you were discouraged by women rejecting you due to your situation but you put the effort in and that's huge. Other people should never change ourselves. Find that old you add some confidence and talk to that girl. She sounds open to talking more with you. You got nothing to lose other than a chance at a real relationship.

[smackie9]

Relax!!! just go with the flow and don't over think/analyze everything. When you are relaxed, she will be relaxed and be more receptive.....

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

All the women who rejected you would kill to be with you right now because you are making 180K. Trust me. Money will make it easier for you. Tons of women would date you now. It is how it is.

 

Sad but true... Money opens up a lot of doors.

[elaine567]

Money will not open any doors if he can't pluck the courage to even just sit and talk with a woman at lunch.

She made a huge effort if she is a very shy person to go and sit where he usually sits at lunch and he ignored her, he shut her down dead. That was a massive rejection and I doubt she will repeat the process, as it probably took a lot of effort on her part.

I guess there may be no coming back from that.

It was rude, and yes we can all understand why, but that doesn't alter the fact it was rude.

[preraph]

I want to bring you back to reality here. I'm sorry that you've kind of been in a time warp for awhile and feel lost. I get it. Truth is you are at the peak of your attractiveness and life right now at your age. You're not 80. You're prime real estate. It's just that you had a hard time and a hard time is all you know what to do with.

 

What you need to do is lighten up, laugh, not be so serious. That woman sat where you sat to show she listened to your comment and probably hoped you'd come sit with her and laugh about it. Instead you are trying to find some guarantee that she likes you and are serious as death about every little tiny detail of her actions. You need to relax and lighten up. You might even benefit by seeing a doctor and trying something for anxiety to help you relax.

 

Go sit down and make LIGHT funny conversation with her and, hey, IF she acts like she doesn't like it, then that's her problem and you just move on, nothing lost, nothing gained. Because at that point all you did was try to be friendly. Try to remember to be entertaining. If you come at someone all serious and intense, it scares them AND it's not attractive. People want someone fun to be with. I know you have it in you. You have a child after all. You have the skills. They're just rusty. You're at a great place in your life and men are most attractive in their 30s and much more reliable.

 

And please do not every put yourself down out loud to anyone because they may not remember where they heard that about you. Make it a rule to never say negative things about yourself. It's unattractive and just drives people away.

 

Good luck. You are fine. Just believe it.

[b18c1]

Thanks for the replies so far.

 

Money isn't a big concern because her job pays her about the same.

 

Remember, I am a single parent and I am fully responsible for him (including paying 100% of his childcare). It feels more like I only make 100k because being responsible for a kid is expensive!

 

Does it seem that she purposely sat there because she wanted me to sit at her table?

 

I have a great excuse because due to the nature of my work, I cannot always get a lunch. Should I just tell her that and comment that I wanted to sit next to her?

[OnlyHonesty]

You should stop taking anything with women so seriously. I notice that so many guys are busy trying to say the right things, worrying about putting a foot wrong or making a fool of themselves.

 

I say don't waste your time worrying about such things. In fact, when you stop worrying and just have fun, she will have more fun too. When you do say something stupid or put your foot in it, it won't be a big deal.

 

I'd advise not telling this girl you want to talk to her, or that you wanted to sit near her. Show, don't tell. You demonstrate by action or you say nothing.

 

You need to stop being so hard on yourself, it is not healthy.

[preraph]

Don't tell her what how you feel or what you want to do. When it's something as basic as having a seat, just sit down or say "Mind if I sit here?" or just chitchat and see if she tells you to sit down. You're being too cautious. It's coming across as fear. This isn't a marriage proposal. You don't even know if this person is at all suited to you. It's just talking to her. It's not a commitment from either end to just talk to someone.

[b18c1]

I think all my questions have been answered.

 

I will cut back and try to be more of myself.

 

Me being too "cautious," really struck me. This comes from my mindset when I was struggling where I had to be cautious with food rations, money, gas, etc

 

I see that there is some "leftover" of this and I don't want to be like that.

 

I will try to not worry too much about it and try to remain like myself.

 

Thanks again!

[purrrfectlyflawed]

BTW what do you do for a living because I am clearly in the wrong line of work!

 

I would think if she was the least bit interested she would at least smile at you.

 

 

If you want to know for sure, just keep smiling at her and saying hello. If she doesn't reciprocate at all then move on to someone else.

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

[GravityMan]

I notice that so many guys are busy trying to say the right things, worrying about putting a foot wrong or making a fool of themselves.

 

I say don't waste your time worrying about such things. In fact, when you stop worrying and just have fun, she will have more fun too. When you do say something stupid or put your foot in it, it won't be a big deal.

 

I'd advise not telling this girl you want to talk to her, or that you wanted to sit near her. Show, don't tell. You demonstrate by action or you say nothing.

 

You need to stop being so hard on yourself, it is not healthy.

 

This.

 

OP, if you can just get out of your own way, then you'll be fine.

 

Who cares if you do something silly or phrase something a bit badly? We're all flawed. And sometimes, making mistakes is a great way to learn. In many cases, silliness, awkwardness and stupidity can actually be positive fun for both you and her if you have a sense of humor about those moments and don't take them so seriously. But those same moments of silliness, awkwardness and stupidity can be uncomfortable, negative, mood-killing and Debbie-Downer-ish if you're too serious, uptight and self-punishing.

 

It's often the case that the way you respond to your awkward moments and stupid acts matters far more than the awkward moment or stupid act itself.

 

When you relax and just talk to her, then that will likely help her relax too.

 

If people IRL (your friends, your boss at work, etc) have told you to "loosen up, man!", then that's a good indication that you're too serious...to the point that you're not much fun to be around. That may even hurt your job performance, depending on the nature of your job. If you're uptight, then that may handicap your ability to socialize effectively...and it can also lead to you doing things that are rude. (For example, not engaging in conversation when she came over to sit with you.)

 

Guys that just "go for it" and don't take life so seriously all the time tend to be far more attractive and likable.