Why Do Men Believe Women Have It Easier With Online Dating?

January 14, 2017

Oh boy, another gender war. *sigh*

I don't think either has it easy. Men and women seem to want different things. In general, men want hookups and women want relationships. Given this difference, they both are struggling to get what they want.

January 14, 2017

Oh boy, another gender war. *sigh*

I don't think either has it easy. Men and women seem to want different things. In general, men want hookups and women want relationships. Given this difference, they both are struggling to get what they want.

And then even when you have people who want the same thing. It doesn't always mean they are compatible for each other. So yeah, they both have their pros and cons.

January 14, 2017

I believe women have it easier with online dating because of the different levels of effort involved. Generally speaking, a man has to put in more effort to get a date than a woman does. A woman has the option to be passive, active, or a combination of both. Most men must be active in order to have any chance of getting a date. I have female friends who have let me view their OLD inboxes. Yes, a lot of messages are trash, but it's still easier to read through a hundred messages and filter out the bad ones than it is to write a hundred initial messages.

For many women, they have to put in a lot of time, energy and effort. They have to get a baby sitter, which in itself can be quite time consuming.

I think it's a lot easier to send out 100 emails than to read them. A man can have a form letter and add something unique to each one. That way it doesn't look like a form letter. Reading all those emails is quite tiring. A lot of them live so far away, or aren't in the age bracket I requested, or aren't even near the preferences I stated. And then after sifting through all of them, I respond to several. And after corresponding, we agree to meet, and he doesn't even show up. Or he doesn't even look like his pictures. Then it's back to square one.

January 14, 2017

How about we ask the men here if all they want is a hookup? I would say that most men would love to be in a relationship with a great girl, but will settle for a hookup in the meantime. That is a bit more accurate.

Ok fine, but apparently to men, most women are not relationship material and are "in the meantime" types.

January 14, 2017

Hi Cathy,

I am curious about a couple of things, so I am going to ask a few questions about your posts. Please do not take these as an attack on you or your ideas at all - I am just honestly trying to understand where you are coming from, as this all sounds so strange (and fascinating) to me.

For many women, they have to put in a lot of time, energy and effort. They have to get a baby sitter, which in itself can be quite time consuming.

Sounds to me like you are talking from experience. Nothing wrong with that! However, let's not generalize: as a person who has used online dating before, I can assure you none of the women I've dated has had to get baby sitters to meet me.

In fact, it would be statistically correct to say that most women who date are not mothers at all. Not that there is anything wrong with being a mother who dates! But let's just count the number of assumptions you made in that paragraph alone:

1) that most women have children

2) that whenever a couple with children splits, the woman will get the children

3) that men who date do NOT have children.

I think it's a lot easier to send out 100 emails than to read them.

Care to elaborate on why that may be? I'm honestly quite surprised by that statement. And if you truly believe that is the case, why don't you just initiate? Why don't you just do the writing before they have a chance to and simply ignore every guy that wrote you first? What's stopping you?

A man can have a form letter and add something unique to each one. That way it doesn't look like a form letter.[/Quote]
This will so not work! A form letter will always be readily identifiable as one. But let's just ignore that fact entirely and concentrate on the much more important issue: what is to stop a woman from doing the same thing?

Reading all those emails is quite tiring. A lot of them live so far away, or aren't in the age bracket I requested, or aren't even near the preferences I stated. And then after sifting through all of them, I respond to several. And after corresponding, we agree to meet, and he doesn't even show up. Or he doesn't even look like his pictures. Then it's back to square one.

And now, here we come to the crux of the matter. If this post is too long to read, then make sure read this part - this is the most important point of all:

Do you really think these things - the very same issues you mentioned above - don't happen to men? Do you think these things happen to men any less than they do to women? Do you honestly, in your heart of hearts, think that?

And if you do, care to provide some explanation as to why you think these things don't happen to men?

You see, it seems to me like you're looking at things from a very narrow perspective: dating (whether online or otherwise) is HARD. For both men and women. It is hard. But every. single. issue you mentioned happens to both men and women.

The only difference is that, apart from aaaaall of these issues, men also have to deal with another one: scarcity (of responses, matches, etc). One which amplfies every single one of the things you mentioned by an order of magnitude!

Do you now understand why people think men have a harder time in online dating - and why, I would argue, they do? Because they have all of these problems you mentioned, amplified to the extreme by scarcity!

______________________

(if you've made it this far, here is one other last disclaimer: I consider myself a feminist, and firmly believe in the pursuit of equality of genders. This is really not a childish attempt to assert that men are oppressed or whatever bullcrap some people of certain political leanings are inclined to say. I do not want anyone's pity for being a man - I am doing pretty well for myself on the dating scene. I am not trying to put women down in any way, and I am not trying to say they have it easy in life. I still believe life as a man is easier than life as a woman. I am just trying to analyze some facts. Please don't take this the wrong way.)

January 14, 2017

Oh boy, another gender war. *sigh*

I don't think either has it easy. Men and women seem to want different things. In general, men want hookups and women want relationships. Given this difference, they both are struggling to get what they want.

that's nothing compared to the upcoming political war

January 14, 2017

How about we ask the men here if all they want is a hookup? I would say that most men would love to be in a relationship with a great girl, but will settle for a hookup in the meantime. That is a bit more accurate.

Exactly. I have a great woman but between marriages I hooked up a lot. If she isn't a great woman who improves your life what is the point?

January 14, 2017

Getting a date on OLD is very easy if you are a woman with average to above average looks. But it is tough to find someone who is what you are looking for. Most of the guys are only looking for hook ups. So that takes out almost 70-80% of the messages right away. Out of the remaining again most of them are players or acting like they want a relationship but will ghost if they dont get sex soon or immediately after they get sex. That leaves very few men who are actually looking for a relationship.

Maybe it's because women keep looking past the men who are looking for a relationship and tend to be attracted to the players because they know how to play the game and how to make women feel good.

Some guys are all flash but no substance. They know all the right words to say on how to make a woman good. They know how to make her laugh, they know how to attract women. But once you get to know them, you find out they're not so great for whatever reason. Or they're *** boys.

Then you have guys who are little flash but a lot of substance. These are guys who are shy around girls, they're not good conversationalists, they're socially awkward and as a result they get written off by most women. Yet once you get to know them, they're actually really interesting people and really nice and make good boyfriends.

Women go for the guys with a lot of flash.

Edited January 15, 2017 by Dark Horse

January 15, 2017

Well, but this is a topic that comes up repeatedly on here.

I don't think the answer can be explained just by saying that "men online are looking for hookups" or "men online send only cut-n-paste messages". There are many many guys who write genuine thoughtful messages to women online and who almost never get a response back. And so these guys will naturally think that your gender has it easier. They won't be swayed by "I get messaged a lot but it's by pervs and creeps", as these well-intentioned guys have written many a woman like you a nice message but never got a response back.

I think what is really going on is this: Men tend to feel initial attraction towards a woman far more often than a women do towards a man. We see it all the time in the threads on here. Guys who struggle with dating tend to ask how they can be more attractive to women, whereas women who struggle with dating tend to ask how they can do a better job picking the guys they decide to get involved with. It makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, right? Our gender doesn't get pregnant whereas yours does, so this has to make you more choosy on a reptilian level.

In real life anyway, we can grow on a woman by our actions, persistence, who we are as a person, ect. However, online this is hardly the case. That our gender tends to be initially interested more than your gender is does make it feel to many guys that your gender is the choosers at least online, and so that OLD is easier for women.

Edited January 15, 2017 by Imajerk17

January 15, 2017

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Edited January 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

January 15, 2017

if you know most of the guy's online are just looking for hookups, then why use it?

Yeah not using it anymore... deleted account since a month or so...

January 15, 2017

How about we ask the men here if all they want is a hookup? I would say that most men would love to be in a relationship with a great girl, but will settle for a hookup in the meantime. That is a bit more accurate.

So men look upon some women as "hook up" type?

Thats disrespectful to categorize women like that. Maybe they dont find someone compatible but to categorize women just makes a man lower his own value.

January 15, 2017

So what kind of messages are you most likely to respond to? What stands out? I'm just curious because I want to increase my chances of getting a response from women.

Decent looking pictures - preferably more than one. Not surrounded by other ladies in a bar.

Someone who is highly qualified academically and has a job.

No drugs or smoking.

Physically fit... no crazy tattoos and piercings.

Profile is well-written with something that I find funny, witty, smart, interesting.

Not a huge age difference.

Single, monogamous.

Looking for doesn't include "casual sex".

When I had my profile on OLD site, I would get an average of 10 messages every day and 7 to 8 would not meet the above criteria. Sometimes I messaged guys if I was free and got time to browse some profiles. I always get responses back. But out of all the conversations 90% would die down and not even progress into texting. So at any given point of time I don't think I have texted with more than 3 guys and then I would end up meeting 1 of them. That way I met around 6 guys.

January 15, 2017

You should tell that to the women who hook up with guys on date 1-3, before any talks of relationships even come up. They are pretty much categorizing themselves.

In that case, do the guys also categorize themselves as hook-up types? Or they think this is only applicable to women?

January 15, 2017

In that case, do the guys also categorize themselves as hook-up types? Or they think this is only applicable to women?

Eh....most guys realize that women are the "gatekeepers" of sex...The ball is really always in their court, so to speak....

TFY

January 15, 2017

So men look upon some women as "hook up" type?
Thats disrespectful to categorize women like that. Maybe they dont find someone compatible but to categorize women just makes a man lower his own value.

Just like some women look at some men as the hook up type and other men as the settle down type. Both genders do this.

January 15, 2017

But why do you think women have it easier dating then? If you agree that most people are narcissistic, what is the value of meeting 30 different people and all they do is talk about themselves. A person is better off dating 0

So you go out with 30 and don't like any of them, and it's always their fault, or the dating site's fault, the geographic demographic's fault... whatever, but the bottom line is that you're feeling sorry for yourself because going out with several men you're not interested in to find one you are is way too much trouble for a real princess. Hell, one date with someone whom you end up judging as less than worthy of your awesomeness is more than you're willing to endure graciously.

Yes, I think we can all see how it's much tougher for women. It's obvious, isn't it?

So men look upon some women as "hook up" type?
Thats disrespectful to categorize women like that. Maybe they dont find someone compatible but to categorize women just makes a man lower his own value.

And you think women don't categorize men? Or do you think judging and categorizing should flow one way but not the other?

Women know within a few seconds of meeting face to face whether she'll sleep with a guy, and it doesn't take much longer to decide whether he's marriage material, perhaps good for some entertainment value, likely to provide resources, or oozing sexuality but not otherwise qualified, or worthless as shyte, not worthy of any respect whatsoever because he doesn't have anything you want. You said yourself that you categorize by: academically qualified; job/income; good looking; good physique; tattoos and piercings; funny, witty, smart (entertainment); and various indications that he's monogamous... and a virtuous man (laughing so hard my side hurts). Does this not feel a bit like reserving your right to judge, but objecting vehemently to the thought of being judged?

What do you expect exactly? The prince charmings of the world beating a path to your door? Do women really expect all of their

to come true when they sign up for an account? Edited January 15, 2017 by salparadise

January 15, 2017

Totally agree. One of my female friends described it as being presented with a giant bin of coffee beans. Somewhere located in all of that coffee are some diamond earrings. But you have to go through all of that to find them. To her it is exhausting.

I personally like the pitcher/catcher analogy. I didn't reach out to a woman unless she met some threshold to catch my attention. In that case, everyone I spoke to was of interest to me. I was pitching. Where women generally are catching on OLD.

LMAO.... you really should think about what you write.

You pretty much just defined hypergamy and the lack of many woman capability to see perspective all in one shot.

You hit two birds with one stone.

Its your biological imperative to always find these Diamonds and thats why its sooo difficult for you to be satistify. Its like telling a person in a thrid world country how easy is to obtain water or get electricity. Yeah, just flip a switch or turn a knob.

My question to you is: What person spends years looking for a diamomd when you could have profit off the coffee beans? The problem is the diamond looking for the diamond is a coffee bean them self.

The reality is the relationship created by two individuals is the "diamond" and it takes years and hard work to mine.

Edited January 15, 2017 by Sweetfish

January 15, 2017

Its your biological imperative to always find these Diamonds and thats why its sooo difficult for you to be satistify. Its like telling a person in a thrid world country how easy is to obtain water or get electricity. Yeah, just flip a switch or turn a knob.

No kidding! Yesterday my gf and I were shopping for the ideal water bottle. We were going through dozens looking for the exact color, size, features that we felt might make us happy... then she looked at me and said, it's kind of embarrassing to be doing what we're doing here, prepared to pay $12-30 dollars for a plastic container, when there are millions of people in the world who don't have access to sanitary water. We felt shame for such privilege for a few moments before making our selections and heading to the checkout.

January 15, 2017

Decent looking pictures - preferably more than one. Not surrounded by other ladies in a bar.
Someone who is highly qualified academically and has a job.
No drugs or smoking.
Physically fit... no crazy tattoos and piercings.
Profile is well-written with something that I find funny, witty, smart, interesting.
Not a huge age difference.
Single, monogamous.
Looking for doesn't include "casual sex".

When I had my profile on OLD site, I would get an average of 10 messages every day and 7 to 8 would not meet the above criteria. Sometimes I messaged guys if I was free and got time to browse some profiles. I always get responses back. But out of all the conversations 90% would die down and not even progress into texting. So at any given point of time I don't think I have texted with more than 3 guys and then I would end up meeting 1 of them. That way I met around 6 guys.

The requirements they didn't meet is highly qualified job and/or 4 year degree because all the other qualities are easily obtainable.

Next your age plays an important role in what your looking for.

Your profile says so much...

I want a guy who is attractive to women and is rich and you want exclusive rights. It doesn't work that way. Thats why OLD doesn't work..

January 15, 2017

I read it all the time... Men think women have it so easy with online dating. All she has to do is create a profile, sit back and wait, then she can pick and choose who she wants to date.

Then women respond telling how it is not so. One thing that I've never heard women complain about is all the narcissistic men there are.

You do realize we are experiencing a Narcissistic epidemic? That's where, generally speaking, most everyone are only interested in talking about themselves and only of their interests. (Men and Women)

I'm an attractive female. I get lots of emails. If I decided to meet a different man every day for 30 days, then I would sit and listen to 30 men talk about themselves. How boring! And the only reason he would pretend to authentically listen to me is because he wants something from me.

I hear wealthy men and attractive men say the same thing. "She is only interested in me because I'm wealthy. I can offer her financial opportunities." "She is only going out with me so she can boost her ego by going out with a handsome man."

Wow, surprised I didn't spot this one earlier. lol.

I think OLD skews perception with women. I recall a situation a while ago on the POF forums where woman had immediately said "Yes" to going out with a guy she had met in person that actually had emailed her some time ago on POF.

She, of course , ignored his email...but apparently he had seen her at a public venue and they hit it off.

Some time later, he revealed he had emailed her on POF, only to have been ignored...and she was like , "If I had known who you were, I would NOT have ignored you!"

Of course, that statement doesn't make sense grammatically, but it does make sense. lol

Goes to show that some women tend to easily pass over decent guys that they would have NOT ignored in person.

That was a happy ending, but sadly, I see the same faces of women in my area, still online...some single, never married, no kids...approaching their 50s. They've become the permanent fixtures/ OLD spinsters of these sites. They'd been women I'd contacted a long time ago, only to be ignored and I'm like, "Dang, they are STILL here?!"

Some of these women are quite plain or average looking, so they aren't much to write home about physically. I mean, they are nominally cute, but not head turners. I usually tend to stay within that wheelhouse when it comes to looks, but a lot of these women want to shoot for the moon. lol

They won't even consider a quick drink or lunch meet n greet. Says a lot that they are still on there, just perpetuates the problem.

I recall a time where I found a woman, local, was kind of chubby, not obese, but pretty smile and eyes. Was into the same interests and beliefs systems I was in. I contacted her, we corresponded actually and when I went to ask to meet...she says, "Sorry, you're not my type."

I really don't have a "type" myself, but...I knew it was just a cliche' on her part. But if "types' do exist...we'd probably be nicely matched as being the same "type" as we're both rather average looking people, with the same interests and hobbies...so...why not give it a quick meet n greet?

What's the harm?

But the thing is, these ladies want to see if these guys are "the one" before even considering a 1st time meet.

You could say it's hard on the women, but from a woman's perspective...they are only making it hard on themselves.

January 15, 2017

Or, a guy can sort through the scores of generic profiles some women post and try to think up something witty and original to write to her. No easy feat in many cases. Then wait and hope that at least one of the women you found interesting replies to you, but likely you won't get any replies at all today.

I am starting to see women put disclaimers in their profiles like, "If you've emailed me before and I didn't respond...please...do NOT email me again...if I didn't respond to you, it means I am NOT interested."

I recall seeing one that said the same as above, but with an additional, "...if you emailed me the first time, and I didn't respond, I MAY have overlooked it, but if you email me twice and I still don't respond, I was probably not interested."

So you're now starting to see, sadly, women having to resort to writing IN their profile to having the same men emailing them every couple of weeks.

Of course, seeing that in the profile initially can be just as much as a turn off to the man reading it.

January 15, 2017

I am starting to see women put disclaimers in their profiles like, "If you've emailed me before and I didn't respond...please...do NOT email me again...if I didn't respond to you, it means I am NOT interested."

I recall seeing one that said the same as above, but with an additional, "...if you emailed me the first time, and I didn't respond, I MAY have overlooked it, but if you email me twice and I still don't respond, I was probably not interested."

So you're now starting to see, sadly, women having to resort to writing IN their profile to having the same men emailing them every couple of weeks.

Of course, seeing that in the profile initially can be just as much as a turn off to the man reading it.

Here is my policy on this...Unless the lady has specifically contacted me with no interest AND/OR she has visited my profile, I will assume that she hadn't the opportunity to read my message. I have more than a few ladies getting back to me to say that they had missed my message as it was buried among the hundreds of others....OR simply block me. If you don't block me and let me know somehow that you are not interested, how in the world am I supposed to, difinitively, know you are not interested???

Online dating is difficult enough w/o people expecting us to read their minds.

It is easier for women to get attention and dates. The sucky part is that the vast majority of suitors only want sex. Many women on online dating have been played so often that they either become absolutely jaded and give up or desperately continue down-grading their attempts from finding a 'soul-mate' to 'just wanting to have fun.'

January 15, 2017

This comes back to the attitudes explained earlier, where some women hold out and ignore all but the "best" men online. That "best" guy is only messaging the average looking girl because he knows she will likely throw herself at him by the 2nd date.

Yup. There is no doubt to that. Too many, if not all, the ladies online look for the best looking guy and tend to dismiss and compromise on certain priorities they claim to have. I've seen, heard about it. I've had a few women 'come back' to me after some failed, attempts at dating the hot guys. Mind you, I have been told that I am handsome and once the ladies meet me and get to know me, I've even had them say I was 'hot', but while perusing the merry-go-round of online dating, I don't stack up against the hot 6'0 taller guys. Lol.

January 15, 2017

For many women, they have to put in a lot of time, energy and effort. They have to get a baby sitter, which in itself can be quite time consuming.

I think it's a lot easier to send out 100 emails than to read them. A man can have a form letter and add something unique to each one. That way it doesn't look like a form letter. Reading all those emails is quite tiring. A lot of them live so far away, or aren't in the age bracket I requested, or aren't even near the preferences I stated. And then after sifting through all of them, I respond to several. And after corresponding, we agree to meet, and he doesn't even show up. Or he doesn't even look like his pictures. Then it's back to square one.

You do realize you are free to adopt the men's approach to online dating. Just delete all the junk messages you get and start sending. Many men don't have a choice.

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Why Do Men Believe Women Have It Easier With Online Dating?

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