PeanutMom Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 This is my first time posting and I am in shock so I apologize if this is long. About a month ago I met a man online. We started dating and he made it clear upfront that he wasn't interested in anyone else. After about three weeks we made it officially official. He is sweet, treats me well, we spend a lot of time together and even though it's only been a month I have started to have feelings for him. There is a definite spark that I have only had once or twice before. We have had really great communication, the only issue so far has been that his ex still has some of his furniture, he moved out of their place together and hasn't been back to get it but has plans to get it this week as I told him I'm not comfortable getting more serious until that is fully resolved. They were together for two years and broke up in September. I was with my most recent ex for a year and also broke up around the same time. We are both early-mid 30's. I am divorced... nothing very dramatic we were just young when we got together (17 and 19) and ended up growing up and wanting different things. I've been divorced about 5 years. I have no kids and have accepted at my age it may not happen. He is adamant about not wanting kids. The problem?..... last night he tells me he had a daughter when he was 19 and hadn't seen her in over 10 years because his ex won't let him, got a new "daddy" for her and after a few years of trying he gave up... I feel like this is first or second date info. Not something a month in. I assume at some point she will probably want to get to know him and I am fine with the whole step mom thing... but I feel betrayed that he didn't tell me sooner. Also it was one thing to think he just didn't want kids but now finding out he has one I feel like somehow I'm not good enough that he is dead set against another... I don't even know what to think or how to process this. Any feedback or ideas would be so appreciated. If you made it this far, thank you.
kendahke Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 Also it was one thing to think he just didn't want kids but now finding out he has one I feel like somehow I'm not good enough that he is dead set against another... You're only one month in on this, not 1 year---and this is about the time most weak-foundation relationship fail. In the last 4 weeks before he told you of this daughter, did you ever ask him directly if he had any children, or did you assume that when he said he was adamant about not having any more children, that meant that none existed? I don't fault anyone who decides that they are done with diapering baby butts. My tubes are tied for this very reason. He's perfectly within his rights to not want any more children. You're perfectly within your right to want to have one, but it's not going to be with this man and you're finding this out within the first month of knowing who he is. If you decide to stay, then you stay with the knowledge that it will not be a good idea to try for children with him because you have been put on notice about his feelings on that. You feel what you feel, however that doesn't mean some man out there who is far better suited to your life's goals doesn't want children and a family with you. Don't feel stupid. Feel informed. You got some very valuable information here. How you proceed knowing this information will determine your wisdom.
Brittybritt92 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 Well although I think he should have told you that he has a child and his whole situation with that child pretty soon in, you're overdoing it by already starting to consider the idea of being their stepmom. As far as the ex is concerned, how long ago was it that they broke up? This is important to think about because you may be the rebound in this whole situation. I think it was good that you put your foot down on that one and told him you wouldn't put up with anything serious until he had it settled.. the question is...is he emotionally settled with the breakup? I also wonder (and I say this because I've been in similar situations) if you jumped into a relationship waaaay too quickly. If you weren't "commited" to each other, all this stuff would come out in the right time, now you're shocked because you're supposed to be his girlfriend, clearly you don't know him very well. He's got stuff in his closet and you may want to slow this whole thing down, by a lot! Good luck!
Redhead14 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 This is my first time posting and I am in shock so I apologize if this is long. About a month ago I met a man online. We started dating and he made it clear upfront that he wasn't interested in anyone else. After about three weeks we made it officially official. He is sweet, treats me well, we spend a lot of time together and even though it's only been a month I have started to have feelings for him. There is a definite spark that I have only had once or twice before. We have had really great communication, the only issue so far has been that his ex still has some of his furniture, he moved out of their place together and hasn't been back to get it but has plans to get it this week as I told him I'm not comfortable getting more serious until that is fully resolved. They were together for two years and broke up in September. I was with my most recent ex for a year and also broke up around the same time. We are both early-mid 30's. I am divorced... nothing very dramatic we were just young when we got together (17 and 19) and ended up growing up and wanting different things. I've been divorced about 5 years. I have no kids and have accepted at my age it may not happen. He is adamant about not wanting kids. The problem?..... last night he tells me he had a daughter when he was 19 and hadn't seen her in over 10 years because his ex won't let him, got a new "daddy" for her and after a few years of trying he gave up... I feel like this is first or second date info. Not something a month in. I assume at some point she will probably want to get to know him and I am fine with the whole step mom thing... but I feel betrayed that he didn't tell me sooner. Also it was one thing to think he just didn't want kids but now finding out he has one I feel like somehow I'm not good enough that he is dead set against another... I don't even know what to think or how to process this. Any feedback or ideas would be so appreciated. If you made it this far, thank you. It's only been one month. Dating is a process not an event. It's a process of exploration, evaluation and revelation and that goes on for a while. It's not his fault that you couldn't manage your emotions and expectations and allowed yourself to become so entangled at this point. You two are "official", not engaged or married or committed for the long-haul yet. You've simply reached the point where the discussion needs to happen, that's all. If he's dead set against kids, then you move on. Plain and simple. And, you could/should have opened that conversation earlier if that's something that is really, really important to YOU to know. Second/third date, "hey, I'm having a great time with you so far. My dating goals are X, X and X and kids by Xtime. What are your dating goals? If your dating goals are not in synch, you move on before you get invested. Just because a guy makes it official, it doesn't mean he's wants marriage, kids, etc. Conversations need to happen, not assumptions. 1
Author PeanutMom Posted January 13, 2017 Author Posted January 13, 2017 I am ok with not having a child... and I didn't mean that I expect to be a stepmom, I just meant that I am fine with dating someone with kid(s) from a previous relationship and I would understand if he and I worked out that in the future she may want to get to know him. I just wonder if him not telling me this is a big red flag? I'm sure it's a painful issue for him and I didn't need all the details upfront but I feel like waiting a month to tell me was kind of deceptive and now I wonder if there are other things I am going to find out that he didn't think to mention. I don't think it's s rebound thing. We've both dated a little single our breakups but didn't meet anyone that seemed to have potential.
Author PeanutMom Posted January 13, 2017 Author Posted January 13, 2017 Sorry I think maybe I wasn't clear in my original message... I don't really want a child. I have health issues (allergic to pretty much everything and an autoimmune disorder) and although there are much worse things to have it does have a effect on my quality of life sometimes and I wouldn't wish it upon a child. He did make it clear before our first date that he did not want children. I am just shocked to find out after a month, and a bottle of wine, that he has a daughter.
Redhead14 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 Why would he talk about a daughter he hasn't seen in 10 years? It's not like he's been an active part in her life and "hiding" it from you. How does this information change things between you two? Unless he's considering pursuing legal recourse now to force the ex to allow him in her life, nothing will change. It does, however, make me wonder why his Ex won't allow him to see his daughter. What was the custody agreement/edict? I find it strange that a father was allowed by the legal system to be cut out of a biological child's life? What else do you know about him? It's only been a month, I doubt you've seen all his "sides". I think there's a lot more you need to know about him than just that he has a daughter he hasn't seen in 10 years . . . 5
Gaeta Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 I think you are WAY over-reacting. I don't think waiting a month to tell you about his child was misleading you in anyway. He was probably waiting to see if you would be sticking around for more than 3 dates before poring his heart out, I don't blame him. Now, like Readhead said it's not like he was hiding a child he has at home. He has not have a relationship with her (or him) since beginning 10 years. Eventually he will get back in touch with her but we're talking when this child is an adult and can take upon herself to find her father. So what exactly is bothering you? It's not like from tomorrow you'll have to deal with school recitals, babysitters, visiting weekends. And lastly, for a woman to be able to keep a man from seeing his child she has to have one big case against him! We're talking violence, alcoholism, abuse. How could she keep him away? 1
smackie9 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 It's not too late to have kids, and you are wasting your time on a man who has no interest in having any. Sound like you are settling....wrong way to do things. Go find another man that will fulfill your expectations and would love to make a baby or two. 3
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 They already had the kids discussion early doors and I think that was probably the time to bring it up the daughter, so I am not sure why he waited so long to mention her. Also I am with Smackie, you are too young to close the door completely on kids and sticking around with this man may well be something you bitterly regret later. 2
olivetree Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 I think that your bf should have told you earlier. Having a kid he doesn't see might be a sensitive subject for him, but I think that people need to own their lives. He should have told you that he has a child and he'll get into that with you when he's ready. Especially before making it official with you. Its up to you to decide if you can trust him or not after this and what level of honesty you prefer. As someone very honest myself, I prefer the honest-to-a-fault kind of guy. The guy who would tell me he has a kid right off the bat. Trust is difficult for me and that's what I need. Decide what level of honesty you need. As for having children of your own, whether this guy wants anymore kids or not has nothing to do with you. I also don't think you're too old to have them if that's what you want. But if romantic love is your priority and kids are simply a bonus, then that's great you don't have that pressure of a ticking clock.
ladyj888 Posted January 15, 2017 Posted January 15, 2017 Hello, First know that you don't need to feel stupid about learning something about your BF a little later than you feel you should have. Everyone doesn't share things upfront at the same time. I will say though that your using that title makes it appear that perhaps you're looking for clues or signs whether this person is "the right one" and that perhaps he isn't due to some issue. It's normal after being divorced, having relationships not pan out, etc., to feel that way, but then it can also be a sign that you're not quite ready to move into a committed relationship because no matter who you're with, there will always be something that's not perfect, not exactly as you think it should be. A number of others have also pointed out that one month is really not a lot of time into a relationship, so not knowing all the details about his past family life is not abnormal. And your thinking that perhaps you're not good enough to have a kids with, just because he had a kid, but stated he know longer wants one indicates to me that you may being taking things too personal (and thus also seems to reinforce why I think you may want to really think about you and developing yourself (knowing what you like, want, your focus, etc.) before pursuing an indepth relationship. As someone else mentioned, and your own comments, you may really want to question if you don't want to have children because you've wavered on that subject in your exchanges. It's normal and fine to do so, but that's too much of an important subject to "let go of" just to be with someone who perhaps is certain not to want any and then later fall in love with and marry, and hope he'll change. Experience and time have proven that this causes much grief that could have been avoided if we just end relationships early when we see incompatibilities in areas that are of "core" importance to us. After my divorce, I read lots of books and went to relationship counseling, and though doing those things didn't make me "super" relationship ready, they did help me to know myself better, understand where I personally failed in my marriage (and where I didn't) and know what my core values and my non negotiables are. It helped me avoid getting involved with a number of men. That said, I still ended up comprising in one important area that I regret (and that has made it difficult in my second and current marriage). Though my spouse and I are working to have a mutually fulfilling relationship, trust me it's so much easier if you know your boundaries and learn to stick to them before committing to a relationship. So to end, the question is a lot less, about is this a warning sign on his part and more of is this a warning sign on your part that he's not for you or even perhaps more so, is it that you need more time to know what you really desire in life still? God's blessings as you prayerfully (if you pray) ponder about it all.
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